Tuesday, July 1, 2008


If the following incident that I am about to describe (and mercilessly mock) involves your child, please, I'm begging, please do not bail your child out of jail. Please get your boy some professional psychiatric help immediately or relinquish all of your parental rights. One of the two. Both, if you'd like. But this is a problem.

The child I'm concerned about is a 14-year old boy who hails from North Falmouth, which is apparently in Maine. He was arrested after he decided that "it would be funny" if he pushed a 71-year old man off of a dock. Yes, off of a dock and into the ocean. Hmmm. Doesn't sound all that funny. Maybe there's more to this story. (Actually, there's not. In fact, sadly, there's probably less.)

So the 71-year old guy was fishing off the dock with his grandson. That picturesque scene was just enough to provoke the 14-year old jackass to run up behind him and shove him off the dock and into the water.. The guy ended up with cuts on his knees and he lost his prescription glasses. And although the article doesn't mention this, I'm going to assume that the 71-year old also ended up pretty pissed off.

The 14-year old asshat then fled "into the woods by the Talk of the Town Diner", according to the fine folks over there at Cape Cod Times. Well, the "Talk of the Town" wasn't named that for nothing, apparently. A bunch of people saw him flee and knew who he was, so they called police. And the police ended up arresting him. Oh, if only I could say that it ended here. Sadly, it does not.

See, because if it ended here, it would just be another blurb about an idiot 14-year old who did something stupid and we can all hope that he'll learn the stupidity of his ways. But since it doesn't end here, you can just go ahead and start assuming that it's highly likely that he will ever learn anything (as he doesn't seem to have learned much up until that point, I don't know why we'd assume that he'd start paying attention in the future.)

So they take jackass/asshat (You know, from now on, he's just going to be Jackasshat. Both terms of idiotic goodness rolled into one self explanatory moniker.) into custody and allow him to make his "one phone call". Now, I don't make it a habit of getting arrested for anything. But if I were to get arrested, I'm thinking that if I only get ONE phone call, I'd better make it a good one. And as much as I'd hate to do it, if I was 14, I'd probably call my parents to come and get my sorry ass so I didn't have to stay in jail. But that's just me. Clearly. Because Jackasshat (Yes, I like that. It stays. Jackasshat it is.) didn't call his parents. No, Jackasshat called a friend. To brag and laugh.

Brag and laugh? It would seem apparent that the purpose behind the "one phone call" was completely lost on Jackasshat. It's not a social call, you moron! And you most certainly do not want to be making a call to your loser friend to "brag and laugh" while you're standing in the freaking police station after being arrested for what you're "bragging and laughing" about, you JACKASSHAT MORON YOU!

Jackasshat is being held on $1,000 bail and, again according to the Cape Cod Times, was "transferred to a secure facility" and will be arraigned in Falmouth District Court. That may or may not be interesting. I guess I'll have to wait and see how it pans out, but one can only hope that "secure facility" means "small, locked closet underneath some stairs."

But aside from how it's may turn out, what the hell? What in the hell is up with your kid that is going around and shoving an old guy off of a fishing dock into the ocean because he thought it would be funny? And really what in the hell is up with your kid when he uses his one phone call (after being arrested) to call some loser friend of his to brag about his asshattery and laugh about it? Clearly, the boy doesn't exactly pick up on "social cues" all that well.

Again, if it's your child involved in this, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, go and find your child some psychiatric help NOW. Do it NOW before he thinks "it would be funny" to use an axe to slaughter your entire family as you sleep.

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