Wednesday, July 30, 2008

P Squared

Now, let's say you're thinking about, oh, say...prostitution. (If you weren't thinking of it before, you certainly are now.) Now, since you're thinking about it and it's bouncing around in your cranium there, I'm going to guess that you want those thoughts to be as pleasant as possible, right? OK, granted, it is prostitution we're talking about, so I'm sure the thoughts aren't going to be overly glamorous, but I don't think that they're going to be hideous either. (I think that because of all eight of you reading this right now, none of you are perverts. You're reasonable people. All thinking about prostitution right now. But not perverted in any sense.) So I'm going to guess that you have visions of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman going through your head. (And again, if you didn't before, you certainly do now.) How bad could Julia Roberts be, right? Hooker or not? My point.

Regardless, that's along the lines of what you would expect if you're thinking about getting yourself a hooker. Someone who, well, looks like a hooker. A REGULAR type of hooker in your REGULAR type of ordering-up-a-hooker scenario. You know, there's nothing on TV. You're alone. You check your bank balance. You figure you really don't need to pay that electric bill on time (or at all) and you order yourself up a whore! Now, when you show up to do said "whore", what are you going to do if your whore is not so much of the Julia Roberts variety, but more of the pregnant variety? Correct. Pregnant. Not pregnant after your encounter. Pregnant before your encounter. Very pregnant. Well, if you were in Lake Ozark, Missouri last Thursday AND you had a hankerin' for a hooker, it's quite possible that you had that very thing happen to you. Oh, please, wait. WHAT?

Police in Camden County (that's in Missouri) busted a prostitution ring and the prostitutes were pregnant. Not just a little pregnant. VERY pregnant. According to the fine folks over there at KSPR News in Missouri, three of the four women who were busted in a prostitution sting were freaking pregnant! What in the hell kind of lifestyle are you people living that you're out whoring yourself off to strange men when you have another human being growing inside of you?! (I'm guessing that between the three pregnant women, there's probably a grand total of 12 teeth because this is about low as it can get. And there's a certain point of "lowness" on the "human scale" where the number of teeth begin to decrease along with the amount of decency that a person possesses. I'm just saying.) Pregnant prostitutes. The ol' "P-squared". What in the hell is wrong with people?!

The "women" (and I use that term loosely as they are 18, 20 and 22 years old. Again, seriously this time, what in the hell is wrong with you?) were eight months pregnant, six months pregnant and three months pregnant, thus completing the pregnancy trimester trifecta. (You know, I might have to throw up a little before I finish writing this. This is wrong on SO many levels. I don't know HOW many levels, but there are probably more levels that this is wrong on than the number of teeth present as mentioned above.) What in the hell is wrong with people?!

Now, I'm not a "prostitute ordering" kind of individual, mainly because I'm a chick and well, while I'm sure it's possible, I don't want to know about it. Not now. Probably not ever. But I digress. If you're a guy who has ordered himself up a hooker and you show up or she shows up or however that works, and she turns out to be pregnant...VERY pregnant, what in the hell do you do? I'm kind of picturing (and really hoping) a scenario quite similar to that after you get your food at a drive-thru. You know, you look through the bag to make sure that it's what you ordered and if it isn't, you hand the bag back to the non-English speaking attendant and say, "Um, this isn't what I ordered. Yeah, see...see, what you gave me is Super-Sized. I didn't want Super-Sized. I just wanted the regular. NO extras. Can I get a new one, please?" I just can't see that being OK with someone, especially if they weren't expecting it. (The MEN. If the MEN weren't expecting. Yes, yes, I KNOW the WOMEN are expecting. That's not what I meant and I have a feeling that you knew that!) What in the hell is wrong with people?!

What in the hell do you say to a pregnant prostitute? You can't really ignore something like that, can you? I can't ignore it and I'm just reading about it! "So...when are you due? Oh! That's great! So he'll be a Scorpio. Awesome. Are you eating right? Of course you're married. I couldn't have sex with a pregnant hooker if she was bearing a child out of wedlock. That would just be wrong." I don't think so! And I certainly hope NOT! What in the hell is wrong with people?!

I'm having a hard time deciding who is more despicable. The despicable women for doing this while they're pregnant or the despicable men who are paying for this (as I have to assume that, since they were arrested for prostitution, that this must have been acceptable for at least SOME of their customers. Ick.). If you are an 18 year old, pregnant prostitute, I am amazed you haven't killed yourself, sweetie. And I'm actually a little curious as to why you haven't. What in the hell kind of life is that? And it's not like they're just hooking themselves out and following all other aspects of pre-natal care. No, I'm kind of thinking that a lot of the regular things that you do during pregnancy are conspicuously absent from these ladies lives. And if you are a guy who is paying for sex with an 18 year old pregnant prostitute, you should probably be shot a minimum of once, probably twice and both times in the kneecaps. What in the hell is wrong with people?!

They were all charged with prostitution (obviously). I just do not understand this type of behavior. Is there any way that the babies can be taken away from them in utero? I really don't think that the babies could be removed from the presence of their "mothers" at any time that would be considered "too soon". Actually, at this point, any time is probably "too late". What in the hell is wrong with people?!

Real nice life you girls are living there. Reeeeeaaaal nice. Outstanding. So, what you going to name the kid if it's a boy? John?

What in the hell is WRONG with people?!

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