Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Sexless In The City

Miley Cyrus, the daughter of backcountry, mullet sporting, Achy Breaky annoyance Billy Ray Cyrus, has told the completely useless (thanks to the onscreen cable guide), television schedule publication, TV Guide,"I'd love to do a younger, cleaner version of Sex and the City." Um, WHY?

Cyrus, who plays the over-idolized TV character Mikado Colorado Hannah Montana, continues with, "I like to think of myself as the girl that no one can get, that no one can keep in their hand." (I'm having trouble figuring out if that's a good thing or not. "That no one can keep in their hand"? What is she, a parakeet? And actually, at 15, most guys don't care if you're in their hand or not. Oh, they want you somewhere, all right. But let's just say that "in their hand" isn't at the top of the list.)

Cyrus then goes on to say that if she were to do something along the "Sex and the City" lines, it would be without the sex. So, what are we talking here? "Petting on the Porch?" "Groping in the Ghetto?" The show is about all the sex! Without the "sex" all you have is "the city" and frankly, we can watch the Travel Channel for that.

Apparently, Cyrus wears a purity ring. I'm not sure if it is anything other than symbolic, but it seems like it would be a lot easier to ditch than the chastity belts of yore. Hey, and don't get me wrong. I'm all for teenagers not having sex. (I can say that NOW because I'm not 15 any more. If I were 15, well, I highly doubt I'd be advocating for my own celibacy....on purpose.) Miley says, "Even at my age, a lot of girls are starting to fall. And I think if [staying a virgin] is a commitment girls make, that's great." Yes, that is great. And now if you could get boys to make the same commitment, it would be a lot easier for the girls to keep their commitment. (I'm just saying.)

Again, while I appreciate and commend the concept of not having all of the sex when you're a teenager, I really wish that when someone was advocating this, that they would also explain WHY it's important AND provide activities or projects or something to do INSTEAD of having all of the sex. (Because if you're fifteen and you decide you're not going to have sex, it's not like you're never going to WANT to have sex. Thus, if you're not having sex, you're thinking about sex. I don't care who you are or what decision you make regarding sex as a teenager, because you are constantly horny, all the live long day, regardless. Oh, and each day seems like it is at LEAST 48 hours long. 48 hours of daily, celibate torture.)

Well, OK then. I still don't see how a sexless SATC is going to work. Oh, and don't get me wrong, Miley could probably do a sex-filled SATC just fine. She's fairly attractive, although too cute-sy for anything too raunchy ("like Sex and the City"). Remember the Vanity Fair photo shoot? Me neither, really. I mean, I heard about it, but I tried to avoid hearing too much about it. After all, it's Miley Cyrus. And I, as a technical "adult" (with "technical" meaning "I am, but I'm not particularly thrilled about it"), really had to make a concerted effort to not scour the Internet looking for information about Miley Cyrus. I need to save whatever dignity and pride I may have left. (And I'll tell you, it's not much! Therefore, I must conserve!)

I did find some of the pics and I'll tell you, um, that chick had no problem going from "bore" to "whore". Holy canoli. Look:

Yeah, see, I can't decide which I approve less of. That picture where she looks like she just rolled out of bed with Robert Kennedy (which is an odd choice, I will admit) or the other picture where she looks like she's just about to hop into bed with Billy Ray (which is an even odder choice). He's her DAD! Ugh. What was anyone thinking?!? (And why weren't they thinking THAT?!) Well, I'll tell you what Miley was thinking after. She said, "I want to be a positive role model (for who? Hookers?), so we just try to keep [that stuff] as much not talked about as possible. I don't dwell on the negativity." While I commend the notion, it's probably a little hard to "not talk about" something that was in Vanity Freaking Fair Magazine!

Good luck with your Sexless City and Me project. Please have different advisers than the ones that you did for your photo shoot. Otherwise your little show is going to end up on Cinemax.

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