Photo-licious Celebrity Amusement

Yesterday was a fabulous day for amusing celebrity photos. Mind you, I'm not necessarily mocking the individual(s) themselves that are in each photo. They're being followed by photographers and paparazzi all the time. They're going to have some unfortunate pics floating around out there. (You know, if you think you'd really like to be famous, I think you're wrong. I think it would suck to have to deal with that all the live long day, every day. Being famous is one thing. Having absolutely no privacy nor any time to yourself without being constantly watched is another thing.) But really, I'm not so much looking for the unfortunate as I am for the amusing. Let's see what we have here.....

Here's Daryl Hannah and Ricki Lake at some function a few days ago. Wow. Daryl Hannah. Um. I don't rightly know what to say about that. Must be the angle. Or something. I hope. Wow.

It would appear as though Samantha Ronson's perma-scowl has rubbed off on her current girlfriend, the currently being gay Lindsay Lohan.

This is Phoebe Price, apparently doing her impersonation of OctoMom, Nadya Suleman.

Tori Spelling walking to her car in Beverly Hills. No, I don't know where to find the rest of her. She looks like she weighs 80 pounds and survives solely by eating dust and Chiclets. Tori, sweetie, have a sandwich.

Nicole Richie taking on a retro, strung-out, I Dream Of Jeannie-hippie sort of look. Nicole Richie seems to have gotten her act together since having her child. (Thank YOU.) She even named the kid something normal (Harlow). Way to go, Nicole. (Psst! You might want to consider splitting a sandwich with Tori. Just a thought!)

Apparently when he isn't beating on women, Chris Brown likes to spend time at Diddy's compound and use the Jet Ski to relax after a long day of court hearings and public apologies (issued by a publicist) saying that he's "sorry and saddened". No, dude, you're just sorry. You're a sorry excuse for an individual.

Here's Jason Segel walking with his date, who appears to be a very drunk Blair from 'The Facts of Life'.

My friend told me that Cameron Diaz always looks like she has a secret. She totally does.

Here's Will Ferrell, seemingly trying to "hold it" until the end of the second quarter at a Lakers game.

Guess who these women are? On the right, Diane Lane. On the left? Marisa Tomei. I swear.

The cast of Slumdog Millionaire after the Oscars. Jai ho, my little overworked and underpaid actors who ended up back in the slums of India when filming was over. Jai ho indeed.

Here's Miley Cyrus. Miley's 16. She's with her boyfriend, the pretty, pretty Justin Gaston. He's 20. Here they are jogging. And shopping.

Here they are biking and dancing.

What's with the wide variety of constant activities? Are they endorsing some sort of feminine hygiene product? All we need now are horseback riding and swimming!

I halfway expect Cathy Rigby to jump out from behind some shrubbery and yell, "Don't you love being able to do all of these activities while having your period?!?!" Then she'd do a couple of flips around some uneven bars and disappear into the night.

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Oscar is a Little Grouchy

Huh. It kind of seems like I've been picking on the fashion (or lack thereof) choices of those who are out and about in public. And I realize that I am neither out, nor about (and I loathe the public), but that's what makes it so easy! Besides, the Oscars were last night. You don't really think that I'm going to let an entire evening of Hollywood drama and fashion go uncommented on, do you? Well, I'm not. It's so fun!

Welcome to the 2009 Academy Awards! If they ever need a motto or a slogan, they should think about going with "We're not the Grammys and the Golden Globes was merely a test run!" That's because a lot of what you see at the Oscars looks really familiar. It's as if you had just seen it and in some cases, you sort of had! You saw it at the Golden Globes just a little while ago. Also at the Oscars, you're not usually going to get a lot of the outlandish outfits that you'd see at the Grammys. Oh, you'll get some, but they're usually not on purpose. Yeah, it's sad. So let's work our way through some of the travesty, shall we?

Here we have a one Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens of the 47 High School Musical films. Um, OK, they're young, so I'll give 'em a pass this year. But the mermaid in mourning look is not my favorite. She's adorable and seems to have a shapely bod, but it's hard to get past her looking like she just came from the Little Mermaid's funeral. I'm going to guess that maybe it was Zac's first time doing his own laundry and that is why his tux looks as if it has shrunk down to some sort of formal body suit. The little teeny bow-tie, the little teeny lapel, the little teeny jacket, the tapered pants, it's like he's a leprechaun in mourning.

Heath Ledger won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar and his family accepted the award on his behalf since he couldn't be there. (He's still busy being dead. You know, from being a dumbass and OD-ing last year. Yes, it's sad, but my sympathy is limited for things that really didn't have to happen.) And here they are vying for control of the statue. That's Heath's Mom over there on the left, doing her best impersonation of the role that won her son the award.

Next is a one Miley Cyrus of.....um....Miley Cyrus, I guess. Not the best choice. She looks like a rather pale, very toothy Christmas tree. What was she thinking? Yuletide greetings from the Kodak Theater?

There's Sarah Jessica Parker who decided to come to the Oscars dressed as Tinkerbell. She is shown alongside Melissa George who decided to come to the Oscars dressed as a jellyfish.
Now, you know that just like I was, you were afraid that Sophia Loren's face was going to fall off at some point, weren't you? Look at it! In other news, Sophia Loren is still alive. And in a related story, she still has a face.

I'm thinking that after the Oscars, maybe Mickey Rourke there could help Philip Seymour Hoffman knock over a liquor or something. They both seem to have the attire for it.

There's Jennifer Aniston and Tina Fey, both doing their very best Oscar impersonation. Is it just me or does Jennifer Aniston look scared to death? Either that or she's trying not to laugh because Sophia Loren's face just fell off.

Don't the lovely Sarah Jessica Parker and husband Matthew Broderick look so relaxed and oh-so comfortable? Yeah, not so much. What's up with that? I know it's Hollywood and all, but they're looking fake even for Hollywood. (Now, I'm not one for fashion tips or anything, but this isn't really fashion so much. When one is trying to have it appear as if one's cleavage is perky and taut (and thereby defying all laws of physics and/or gravity), one might want to examine one's cleavage in said outfit and decide of Cleavage One is so far away from Cleavage Two that you'd think there were magnetic forces in each one, pushing them as far away from each other as possible. If that is the case, please either consider making them seem closer together or just get over yourself. They're not even close to being in anything close to a natural position. I want to know how many tubes of Super Glue it took to get them up there. It looks like they're on an invisible shelf. She's practically pouring over the top and then there's absolutely nothing underneath. I found it quite comical.)

There was a theme at the Golden Globes of women wearing a gown that just seemed to blend right into their skin color. You couldn't tell where the dress ended and the person began. That unattractive motif made it's way to the Oscars via Jessica Biel, Evan Rachel Wood and the lovely Anne Hathaway. Ladies, could I have your attention for a moment? I'd like to introduce you to someone. Meet....THE SUN!!

It's nice to see Sean Penn and his lovely wife Robin Wright Penn together, especially since they had filed for divorce last year but then called it off. Note to Sean Penn: Look at her. I have no idea what your differences were or are, but for God's sake man, look at her! Whatever those differences may be (and again, look at her!), I'm sure they can be worked out if they haven't been already. Have you seen your wife? Have you seen you? My point. She's excellent.

What was Whoopi thinking? I'm thinking she should have changed her name to Whoops if she was going to wear that. (Is she having octuplets? What's with the tent?)

Beyonce and her "I'm an Oscar Mermaid" dress. Was there some sort of an 'Under the Sea' theme that I didn't know about this year?

Here's the not too heavy (despite the comments of some crazy and nearsighted fashion designer) Heidi Klum and her husband, Sea Otter.

Hey! How'd OctoMom get into the Oscars?!

Oh. Whoops. Sorry, Brad. My mistake. (Yeah, that chick could have had a million bucks worth of plastic surgery and she wouldn't come out looking half as good as stoic, plastic Angelina Jolie does.)

The Oscars! 2009! Thank you for playing! Can we go back to our recession now?

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Fashion for What Kind of Men?

So Miley Cyrus, one of the offspring of the founding father of the mullet, a one Billy Ray Cyrus, has been dating a guy that apparently Daddy Ray introduced her to. Now, Miley is 16. The dude is 20. Now, I can understand why a 16 year old would want to date a 20 year old. That I get. I don't necessarily get why a 20 year old would want to date a 16 year old. I mean, I know why they would want to be with a 16 year old, but date a 16 year old? Whose father is Mullet Ray? My impression of Billy Ray is a guy who is a little bit more redneck than he is aware of, but who is also the kind of protective Dad that every girl should have. You know, the kind that will literally hunt down any boy who is out of line or in her pants and beat the hell out of him explain to him that he doesn't want to see him around his daughter again. That is a fine quality, the one of placing eternal fear in all would-be suitors of your daughter, for a father to have.

That being said, I thought it was a tad bit odd to read that ol' Tank Top Cyrus there is the one who got daughter Miley hooked up with a one Justin Gaston. You'd think that he'd know better than to take a fairly good looking, 20-year old male with raging hormones and place him in front of his 16-year old daughter with raging hormones. And one article I was reading somewhere asked the question, "Should Billy Ray be worried about Miley and Justin?" Well, considering that he was the one that got them together, I'm guessing the question doesn't really matter, as he didn't seem to be worried about it beforehand. But if you didn't know that, it seems like a fair question. I needed to know more about this Justin chap first, though.

It wasn't hard to find too much on the guy. He's one of those pretty boys who seems to make a good model for products where they need someone to stare directly into a camera lens and look like they haven't blinked since that afternoon that they spent staring at the sun back in 2003. They also appear to look good when spritzed with water and photographed in black and white. VMAN magazine calls him Mr. Miley. Ugh. But then I saw a picture of him. And that's when I called him A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that?! Dude, Flashdance is out! OUT!! I guess he's not wearing a top because he tore the sweatshirt too much while trying to get that off of the shoulder look that Jennifer Beals wore so well? What the hell is that?! Do we have anything else of this lad, you ask? We do! Behold! It's no different!

Yeah, dude, that doesn't look gay at all. Nice. So, would you also say that nine out of ten times you're holding up the peace sign with no shirt on and wearing a bandanna around your head? Nothing says manly man like...well...like....well not like that! Are you sure you're not stuck in the 80s? Or are you just really, really wanting to be Corey Haim? Behold!
I'm finding all of this very odd. Up there he has this 80s teen heartthrob looking that he's trying, all the while it looks like he might have been poked in the eye by his Flock of Seagulls hair-do. (By the way, at this point, it's a pretty good bet that ol' Daddy Ray there has nothing to worry about. Nope! It's fine. NO problems there. Uh-huh!)

These photos were in the VMAN magazine. VMAN appears to be some sort of fashion magazine, but the sort of fashion is exactly what I'm unclear on. Behold!

OH, what the hell is THAT?! "Fearless Men's Fashion"?? You'd have to have ZERO fear to wear something like that and not be afraid that you were going to get the hell beat out of you by a real man! Are you kidding me?! "Spring is Looking Bright"?? For who?? Gay breakdancers?!

Here is one of VMANs photos of Gucci clothes that are being sported by what I can only surmise to be the VMAN version of New Kids on the Block.

I really don't know what to make of that. There's the guy on the left wearing his sister's pink My Pretty Pony pants. The dude over there on the right could easily be the spawn of the kid that starred with Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles. Next to him is a guy with a cereal bowl on his head (he's clearly the challenged one). And the guy in the middle is doing the most feminine version of Angus Young's one legged guitar hop that I've ever seen. So put a bowl on your head and run out and get yourself some Gucci quick!

OH, sure! Nothing says 'brawny' like having your man and his buddies dress up like a bunch of geishas in that photo below! "No, honey! I don't have time to watch the Super Bowl! I'm soaking my kimono in Woolite!" "No, you're going to have to go to the Monster Truck Rally next Saturday without me!"
OK, now someone is just being silly! Why is that in a fashion magazine that is supposed to be for men?! (Wait a minute. What does that "V" in "VMAN" stand for? I'm leaning toward "vagina" in this case. Well, I might lean toward it in cases other than this, but definitely this!)
And while the caption for the photo below says that it is clothing from the Calvin Klein collection, I still have questions. The first question is, who is collecting clothing like that? The second question is, "That guy on the far left looks like Doogie Howser with a jockstrap on his head. Why is that?" Just looking at the picture has caused a little song to pop up in my head. You know the tune! Sing along! "One of these things is not like the others! All of those guys...look kind of gay!" I can't help it! It keeps repeating!

These guys all look fairly young. Do you think that they knew that people would see these pictures? I'm having a hard time believing that they would have known that and then, of their own free will, gone ahead and let someone take pictures.

I guess my point here has been that Daddy Ray Redneck has nothing to worry about with his daughter hanging out with Pretty Boy VMAN there. (Granted, I'm not thrilled about a 20-year old hanging out with a 16-year old, but I think I am less concerned about it in this situation than I would be with others and for fairly obvious reasons which I think I have clearly illustrated with illustrations!)

Look, there's a reason for men. And it's so that they can look like MEN! (And move heavy objects from time to time! What?? They like to do it!) I don't need a bunch of men that look like the Miami Vice wardrobe on crack. I need men that can move an armoir without worrying if they're going to break a nail! Where are all of the men that look like men?!?!

That's not exactly what I had in mind.

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Sexless In The City

Miley Cyrus, the daughter of backcountry, mullet sporting, Achy Breaky annoyance Billy Ray Cyrus, has told the completely useless (thanks to the onscreen cable guide), television schedule publication, TV Guide,"I'd love to do a younger, cleaner version of Sex and the City." Um, WHY?

Cyrus, who plays the over-idolized TV character Mikado Colorado Hannah Montana, continues with, "I like to think of myself as the girl that no one can get, that no one can keep in their hand." (I'm having trouble figuring out if that's a good thing or not. "That no one can keep in their hand"? What is she, a parakeet? And actually, at 15, most guys don't care if you're in their hand or not. Oh, they want you somewhere, all right. But let's just say that "in their hand" isn't at the top of the list.)

Cyrus then goes on to say that if she were to do something along the "Sex and the City" lines, it would be without the sex. So, what are we talking here? "Petting on the Porch?" "Groping in the Ghetto?" The show is about all the sex! Without the "sex" all you have is "the city" and frankly, we can watch the Travel Channel for that.

Apparently, Cyrus wears a purity ring. I'm not sure if it is anything other than symbolic, but it seems like it would be a lot easier to ditch than the chastity belts of yore. Hey, and don't get me wrong. I'm all for teenagers not having sex. (I can say that NOW because I'm not 15 any more. If I were 15, well, I highly doubt I'd be advocating for my own celibacy....on purpose.) Miley says, "Even at my age, a lot of girls are starting to fall. And I think if [staying a virgin] is a commitment girls make, that's great." Yes, that is great. And now if you could get boys to make the same commitment, it would be a lot easier for the girls to keep their commitment. (I'm just saying.)

Again, while I appreciate and commend the concept of not having all of the sex when you're a teenager, I really wish that when someone was advocating this, that they would also explain WHY it's important AND provide activities or projects or something to do INSTEAD of having all of the sex. (Because if you're fifteen and you decide you're not going to have sex, it's not like you're never going to WANT to have sex. Thus, if you're not having sex, you're thinking about sex. I don't care who you are or what decision you make regarding sex as a teenager, because you are constantly horny, all the live long day, regardless. Oh, and each day seems like it is at LEAST 48 hours long. 48 hours of daily, celibate torture.)

Well, OK then. I still don't see how a sexless SATC is going to work. Oh, and don't get me wrong, Miley could probably do a sex-filled SATC just fine. She's fairly attractive, although too cute-sy for anything too raunchy ("like Sex and the City"). Remember the Vanity Fair photo shoot? Me neither, really. I mean, I heard about it, but I tried to avoid hearing too much about it. After all, it's Miley Cyrus. And I, as a technical "adult" (with "technical" meaning "I am, but I'm not particularly thrilled about it"), really had to make a concerted effort to not scour the Internet looking for information about Miley Cyrus. I need to save whatever dignity and pride I may have left. (And I'll tell you, it's not much! Therefore, I must conserve!)

I did find some of the pics and I'll tell you, um, that chick had no problem going from "bore" to "whore". Holy canoli. Look:

Yeah, see, I can't decide which I approve less of. That picture where she looks like she just rolled out of bed with Robert Kennedy (which is an odd choice, I will admit) or the other picture where she looks like she's just about to hop into bed with Billy Ray (which is an even odder choice). He's her DAD! Ugh. What was anyone thinking?!? (And why weren't they thinking THAT?!) Well, I'll tell you what Miley was thinking after. She said, "I want to be a positive role model (for who? Hookers?), so we just try to keep [that stuff] as much not talked about as possible. I don't dwell on the negativity." While I commend the notion, it's probably a little hard to "not talk about" something that was in Vanity Freaking Fair Magazine!

Good luck with your Sexless City and Me project. Please have different advisers than the ones that you did for your photo shoot. Otherwise your little show is going to end up on Cinemax.

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