Go Away, Jennifer

I believe the day has finally come that everyone else is as sick of hearing about Jennifer Aniston as I am. And not a moment too soon, either. How do I know this? I have a most awesome example/source to share with you.

Apparently, Jen Aniston is the pitchwoman or spokeshole for something called SmartWater. Now, while I find the concept of bottled water anything but smart (how much of it really comes from the special glaciers that the company claims and how much of it comes from the tap?), I find the SmartWater people to be rather smart in that they're making their fortune off of the simpletons that buy their products. These are the same folks who make VitaminWater. VitaminWater, as you may or may not be aware, has a name that makes it sound like a good thing, but in reality, it's pretty much crap. It won't make you healthier. It will only lighten the load in your wallet. Eventually though, you might end up feeling stupider, but that's not a guarantee. Plenty of people still buy this crap, so who knows when, if ever, that side effect will occur.

But I digress. Where was I? Oh, right. The SmartWater spokeshole, Jen Aniston. She has made a marketing video (otherwise known as an advertisement) for these SmartWater charlatans and the goal is for the video to go viral. At one point in the video, she kicks a poor, unsuspecting dude right in the nuts because, as she explains to the writhing sap, "...apparently that's worth about 100,000 hits." Poor guy. At the rate that her "viral video" is "taking off" his scrotum is going to be in shreds before it gets anywhere close to 100,000 hits.

Now, I first read about this stunt early yesterday. When I went to check how many hits it had on YouTube, it was up to a whopping (brace yourself) 304. Not 304,000. 304. And as I write this, it is about 9:30pm yesterday. Upon my re-checking of the video, it has now garnered a whopping 1,014 views. Not 1,014,000 views. 1,014. It even has more dislikes(1,365) than it has views. I don't know how that works, exactly, but I think it says something.

And the something it says it that we don't care about Jennifer Aniston anymore. Yes, she's hot. But that's all she has going for her. Have you ever heard her interviews? It's like listening to a pair of teats nailed to a wooden board. Sure, they're nice to look at and all, but there's no substance. There's nothing there. And after a while, even the looking good gets old. Sure, we loved her as Rachel, but that's because she had a great supporting cast on Friends. If it was just The Rachel Show, it would have been off the air quicker than Joey was. Her movies have never been any good and I think that she should just stop trying so hard and go away for a while. That video, is never going viral. If 2,000 people ever see it, I'll be shocked. Just go away, Jen. You're beautiful and you used to be funny, but please just go away. Clearly, by the lack of hits to your "viral" video, most folks would appreciate it. Please go. Now.

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Oscar is a Little Grouchy

Huh. It kind of seems like I've been picking on the fashion (or lack thereof) choices of those who are out and about in public. And I realize that I am neither out, nor about (and I loathe the public), but that's what makes it so easy! Besides, the Oscars were last night. You don't really think that I'm going to let an entire evening of Hollywood drama and fashion go uncommented on, do you? Well, I'm not. It's so fun!

Welcome to the 2009 Academy Awards! If they ever need a motto or a slogan, they should think about going with "We're not the Grammys and the Golden Globes was merely a test run!" That's because a lot of what you see at the Oscars looks really familiar. It's as if you had just seen it and in some cases, you sort of had! You saw it at the Golden Globes just a little while ago. Also at the Oscars, you're not usually going to get a lot of the outlandish outfits that you'd see at the Grammys. Oh, you'll get some, but they're usually not on purpose. Yeah, it's sad. So let's work our way through some of the travesty, shall we?

Here we have a one Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens of the 47 High School Musical films. Um, OK, they're young, so I'll give 'em a pass this year. But the mermaid in mourning look is not my favorite. She's adorable and seems to have a shapely bod, but it's hard to get past her looking like she just came from the Little Mermaid's funeral. I'm going to guess that maybe it was Zac's first time doing his own laundry and that is why his tux looks as if it has shrunk down to some sort of formal body suit. The little teeny bow-tie, the little teeny lapel, the little teeny jacket, the tapered pants, it's like he's a leprechaun in mourning.

Heath Ledger won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar and his family accepted the award on his behalf since he couldn't be there. (He's still busy being dead. You know, from being a dumbass and OD-ing last year. Yes, it's sad, but my sympathy is limited for things that really didn't have to happen.) And here they are vying for control of the statue. That's Heath's Mom over there on the left, doing her best impersonation of the role that won her son the award.

Next is a one Miley Cyrus of.....um....Miley Cyrus, I guess. Not the best choice. She looks like a rather pale, very toothy Christmas tree. What was she thinking? Yuletide greetings from the Kodak Theater?

There's Sarah Jessica Parker who decided to come to the Oscars dressed as Tinkerbell. She is shown alongside Melissa George who decided to come to the Oscars dressed as a jellyfish.
Now, you know that just like I was, you were afraid that Sophia Loren's face was going to fall off at some point, weren't you? Look at it! In other news, Sophia Loren is still alive. And in a related story, she still has a face.

I'm thinking that after the Oscars, maybe Mickey Rourke there could help Philip Seymour Hoffman knock over a liquor or something. They both seem to have the attire for it.

There's Jennifer Aniston and Tina Fey, both doing their very best Oscar impersonation. Is it just me or does Jennifer Aniston look scared to death? Either that or she's trying not to laugh because Sophia Loren's face just fell off.

Don't the lovely Sarah Jessica Parker and husband Matthew Broderick look so relaxed and oh-so comfortable? Yeah, not so much. What's up with that? I know it's Hollywood and all, but they're looking fake even for Hollywood. (Now, I'm not one for fashion tips or anything, but this isn't really fashion so much. When one is trying to have it appear as if one's cleavage is perky and taut (and thereby defying all laws of physics and/or gravity), one might want to examine one's cleavage in said outfit and decide of Cleavage One is so far away from Cleavage Two that you'd think there were magnetic forces in each one, pushing them as far away from each other as possible. If that is the case, please either consider making them seem closer together or just get over yourself. They're not even close to being in anything close to a natural position. I want to know how many tubes of Super Glue it took to get them up there. It looks like they're on an invisible shelf. She's practically pouring over the top and then there's absolutely nothing underneath. I found it quite comical.)

There was a theme at the Golden Globes of women wearing a gown that just seemed to blend right into their skin color. You couldn't tell where the dress ended and the person began. That unattractive motif made it's way to the Oscars via Jessica Biel, Evan Rachel Wood and the lovely Anne Hathaway. Ladies, could I have your attention for a moment? I'd like to introduce you to someone. Meet....THE SUN!!

It's nice to see Sean Penn and his lovely wife Robin Wright Penn together, especially since they had filed for divorce last year but then called it off. Note to Sean Penn: Look at her. I have no idea what your differences were or are, but for God's sake man, look at her! Whatever those differences may be (and again, look at her!), I'm sure they can be worked out if they haven't been already. Have you seen your wife? Have you seen you? My point. She's excellent.

What was Whoopi thinking? I'm thinking she should have changed her name to Whoops if she was going to wear that. (Is she having octuplets? What's with the tent?)

Beyonce and her "I'm an Oscar Mermaid" dress. Was there some sort of an 'Under the Sea' theme that I didn't know about this year?

Here's the not too heavy (despite the comments of some crazy and nearsighted fashion designer) Heidi Klum and her husband, Sea Otter.

Hey! How'd OctoMom get into the Oscars?!

Oh. Whoops. Sorry, Brad. My mistake. (Yeah, that chick could have had a million bucks worth of plastic surgery and she wouldn't come out looking half as good as stoic, plastic Angelina Jolie does.)

The Oscars! 2009! Thank you for playing! Can we go back to our recession now?

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