Monday, February 23, 2009

Oscar is a Little Grouchy

Huh. It kind of seems like I've been picking on the fashion (or lack thereof) choices of those who are out and about in public. And I realize that I am neither out, nor about (and I loathe the public), but that's what makes it so easy! Besides, the Oscars were last night. You don't really think that I'm going to let an entire evening of Hollywood drama and fashion go uncommented on, do you? Well, I'm not. It's so fun!

Welcome to the 2009 Academy Awards! If they ever need a motto or a slogan, they should think about going with "We're not the Grammys and the Golden Globes was merely a test run!" That's because a lot of what you see at the Oscars looks really familiar. It's as if you had just seen it and in some cases, you sort of had! You saw it at the Golden Globes just a little while ago. Also at the Oscars, you're not usually going to get a lot of the outlandish outfits that you'd see at the Grammys. Oh, you'll get some, but they're usually not on purpose. Yeah, it's sad. So let's work our way through some of the travesty, shall we?

Here we have a one Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens of the 47 High School Musical films. Um, OK, they're young, so I'll give 'em a pass this year. But the mermaid in mourning look is not my favorite. She's adorable and seems to have a shapely bod, but it's hard to get past her looking like she just came from the Little Mermaid's funeral. I'm going to guess that maybe it was Zac's first time doing his own laundry and that is why his tux looks as if it has shrunk down to some sort of formal body suit. The little teeny bow-tie, the little teeny lapel, the little teeny jacket, the tapered pants, it's like he's a leprechaun in mourning.

Heath Ledger won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar and his family accepted the award on his behalf since he couldn't be there. (He's still busy being dead. You know, from being a dumbass and OD-ing last year. Yes, it's sad, but my sympathy is limited for things that really didn't have to happen.) And here they are vying for control of the statue. That's Heath's Mom over there on the left, doing her best impersonation of the role that won her son the award.

Next is a one Miley Cyrus of.....um....Miley Cyrus, I guess. Not the best choice. She looks like a rather pale, very toothy Christmas tree. What was she thinking? Yuletide greetings from the Kodak Theater?

There's Sarah Jessica Parker who decided to come to the Oscars dressed as Tinkerbell. She is shown alongside Melissa George who decided to come to the Oscars dressed as a jellyfish.
Now, you know that just like I was, you were afraid that Sophia Loren's face was going to fall off at some point, weren't you? Look at it! In other news, Sophia Loren is still alive. And in a related story, she still has a face.

I'm thinking that after the Oscars, maybe Mickey Rourke there could help Philip Seymour Hoffman knock over a liquor or something. They both seem to have the attire for it.

There's Jennifer Aniston and Tina Fey, both doing their very best Oscar impersonation. Is it just me or does Jennifer Aniston look scared to death? Either that or she's trying not to laugh because Sophia Loren's face just fell off.

Don't the lovely Sarah Jessica Parker and husband Matthew Broderick look so relaxed and oh-so comfortable? Yeah, not so much. What's up with that? I know it's Hollywood and all, but they're looking fake even for Hollywood. (Now, I'm not one for fashion tips or anything, but this isn't really fashion so much. When one is trying to have it appear as if one's cleavage is perky and taut (and thereby defying all laws of physics and/or gravity), one might want to examine one's cleavage in said outfit and decide of Cleavage One is so far away from Cleavage Two that you'd think there were magnetic forces in each one, pushing them as far away from each other as possible. If that is the case, please either consider making them seem closer together or just get over yourself. They're not even close to being in anything close to a natural position. I want to know how many tubes of Super Glue it took to get them up there. It looks like they're on an invisible shelf. She's practically pouring over the top and then there's absolutely nothing underneath. I found it quite comical.)

There was a theme at the Golden Globes of women wearing a gown that just seemed to blend right into their skin color. You couldn't tell where the dress ended and the person began. That unattractive motif made it's way to the Oscars via Jessica Biel, Evan Rachel Wood and the lovely Anne Hathaway. Ladies, could I have your attention for a moment? I'd like to introduce you to someone. Meet....THE SUN!!

It's nice to see Sean Penn and his lovely wife Robin Wright Penn together, especially since they had filed for divorce last year but then called it off. Note to Sean Penn: Look at her. I have no idea what your differences were or are, but for God's sake man, look at her! Whatever those differences may be (and again, look at her!), I'm sure they can be worked out if they haven't been already. Have you seen your wife? Have you seen you? My point. She's excellent.

What was Whoopi thinking? I'm thinking she should have changed her name to Whoops if she was going to wear that. (Is she having octuplets? What's with the tent?)

Beyonce and her "I'm an Oscar Mermaid" dress. Was there some sort of an 'Under the Sea' theme that I didn't know about this year?

Here's the not too heavy (despite the comments of some crazy and nearsighted fashion designer) Heidi Klum and her husband, Sea Otter.

Hey! How'd OctoMom get into the Oscars?!


Oh. Whoops. Sorry, Brad. My mistake. (Yeah, that chick could have had a million bucks worth of plastic surgery and she wouldn't come out looking half as good as stoic, plastic Angelina Jolie does.)

The Oscars! 2009! Thank you for playing! Can we go back to our recession now?

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5 comments:

La Belle Canadienne said...

Wow..I thought I was the only 1 that kept thinking what's with the mermaid outfits..glad 2 know it wasn't just me...WTF?

I thought JSP looked like she was wearing a wedding dress with a belt...again WTF? Miley cyrus just stepped off the plantation. Where was mullet head Achy Breaky when she picked this concoction out.

Beautiful Heidi..why wear the assymetrical thing.

Worst looking actress: Hands down Reese Witherspoon..she's still young but she is not ageing gracefully...her eyes were all squinty looking and that chin gets pointer by the minute...give it back 2 Jay Leno girlfriend...her dress was a beautiful colour...my fav. actually..love that blue...but again what's with the assymetrical 1 or 2 armed sleeves?

U 4got the ever so gorgeous Alicia Keyes...woman is breathtaking and the dress was perfect on her. Same with Halle...woman is in her 40s and she's a knockout...she needs 2 give Reese some beauty tips...Jake is gonna dump her soon if she doesn't get some eye cream

Hilarious cuz again I thought I was the only 1 who noticed that Sean Penn was acting like he was at the Oscar's alone...that donkey's a$$ Sean Penn thanked his best friend and not his wife. And she kissed him after he won and it looked like all he wanted 2 do was wipe his mouth and tell her 2 get lost. She looked so happy 4 him and 2 be with him..didn't he have an affair...All I can say is...somebody else should have won..maybe he's having an affair with his best friend..who apparently is NOT his wife! Loser!

La Belle Canadienne said...

Oh and I 4got 1 thing...when did Anne Hathaway of princess diaries become worthy of being nominated?

did they run out of names? Also, I agree with u about the Sun. She in particular looks like an ALBINO. With dark lipstick...it looks creepy. Use that fake spray stuff or go sit under some cancer-causing bulbs or something...

Grannyann said...

You need to do the comments on the Red Carpet - you're funnier than the ones doing it. Whoopie was talking about the dress today on the View and said it sure was comfortable. Guess someone else picked it for her. She took a bus from NY to CA both ways since she doesn't fly so guess someone had to do it for her. "Sea Otter" LOL......

Alice Amplified said...

I love love LOVE SJP's dress. The bodice does exactly what it's supposed to do! She looked beautiful in it. And Zac Ephron was doing the Cary Grant thing, which is back in with a vengence.

Im shaking my head at you Mary Mary Quite Contrary.

Mare said...

I don't know how I missed Reese. And I also missed the always hot Alicia Keys as well. I'm quite disappointed at both of those. And I have no idea where Anne Hathaway even came from, but all of a sudden, she's right up there with the rest of them! What was she in again? See? No one knows.

Yeah, Whoopi's dress looked like she was headed off for a parachuting safari. I don't know how she ever managed to talk her way onto The View, but I'm glad she did.

If Zac Efron was doing the Cary Grant thing, why was he under the impression that Cary Grant was an elf or a leprechaun? Can't he do the Cary Grant thing with a tux that fits? I can't help it if it looks too small! It does! So you can shake your head all you'd like, as long as you keep commenting.