Friday, February 13, 2009

Holy Cow! Urine There?!?!

Welcome to India where the always thorough and very well written Times Online brings us the story of a one Om Prakash (Om? Like Om on the Range? Sweet Om Alabama?) who is head of the (I'm not kidding) Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, (otherwise known as the RSS) in India. The RSS is the oldest and largest Hindu nationalist group. The Hindus are real big on the cow, not so much as an animal or a tasty dish, but rather as a revered figure in the Hindu culture. Pretty much, if you're a cow in India, you're not going to have to worry about seeing the inside of a sesame seed bun anytime soon. The Hindus believe that cow products, such as dung and urine, are cures "...for ailments ranging from liver disease to obesity and even cancer." (Trust me, I do have a point here.)

"Cow dung is traditionally used as a fuel and disinfectant in villages, while cow urine and dung are often consumed in rituals to "purify" those on the bottom rungs of the Hindu caste system." Huh. Purification of the lower classes through bovine liquid waste. An interesting theory, but probably hard to present valid data on (not that anyone would ever ask, I'm just sayin'). So what better way to purify your undesirables and cure that which ails all people and get your magical cow pee into the mainstream (pun intended) by making a soft drink out of it. Wait. What?

Correct. The "gau jal", or "cow water" as they say (and cow piss as I say) is currently "undergoing laboratory tests and would be launched "very soon, maybe by the end of this year." " All of that according to Om, the brains (or should I say the bladder) behind this whole operation. "We have developed a soft drink formula with gau jal as the base and it has been sent to a laboratory at Lucknow for testing." Yeah, I should think that you might be needing some Lucknow if you think this idea is going to fly soon. (Personally, I'm thinking a more appropriate place to send this stuff would be maybe Nochancein, Hell.)

Om, cow pee proprietor, told the Times Online "Don't worry, it won't smell like urine and will be tasty too." You know, no offense sir, but, um, if it's all right with you, I think I'm going to just go ahead and worry about this just a little bit! Oh, if I find myself in a position where I would have to actually drink this myself, I'll be worrying quite a bit then! But not worrying at all? I don't see that happening.

Om also said, "'s going to be very healthy. It won't be like carbonated drinks and would be devoid of any toxins." OH, you got that straight! If it's made with cow urine, if definitely will not be like carbonated drinks! Not at all! See, my carbonated drinks are always, and I mean always, always 100% cow urine free! And that's not just cow urine that my carbonated drinks are devoid of! It's all urine that is not present in my carbonated drinks. I'm very confident that there is not a drop of pee in any of them. But that's just my preference. There could be others who don't think that way, and apparently Mr. Om is one of them. (And by the way, health? Yeah, it's kind of overrated if you're going to resort to drinking cow urine. I don't need health that badly! I'm perfectly OK with the kind of health which does not require drinking cow urine.)

Now, the RSS does try to influence the masses of Hindus in India by such means as "...when it organised a nationwide boycott of multinational consumer goods, including Pepsi and Coca Cola" back in 1994. Uh-huh. Yeah, and I can see that by the way that Coke and Pepsi have been struggling ever since to keep their companies in business, that it was a smashing success. Oh, wait a minute! Oh, that's right! Yeah, it didn't do any good. Coke and Pepsi don't care if you boycott. In fact, they'd probably run advertising FOR you announcing that your product is made from cow urine! I'd almost guarantee they'd cover the cost of your advertising to make sure that everyone know that your "gau jal" is very, very urine-y and that Coke and Pepsi are pee-free! Call them up and see what they say!

Om has clarified that the price of the "gau jal" will be that of "cheap". That's as detailed as he was about it. But for some delusional reason (perhaps, ingesting too much urine which comes from a cow! Actually, ingesting too much urine that comes from anywhere doesn't ever sound like a good idea!) he seems to think "...that it would be able to compete with the American cola brands, even with their enormous advertising budgets." Well, good! The last thing I want to see on Super Bowl Sunday is Justin Timberlake trying to sell me an ice cold can of "gau jal". Wait. Would it be served cold? 'Cause pee is warm. Eeewww... Om says that "...cow urine will not only be natural but cost-effective too." Well for cryin' out loud, I should hope so! After all, it's just urine! My urine is rather cost effective as well, but that doesn't mean I'm going to market it as a beverage.

Well, however it's served, Om feels that he and his cow urine are going to come out on top for once, as he declared "We're going to give them good competition as our drink is good for mankind. We may also think of exporting it." No, your drink is good for a "kind of man", not so much "mankind". Neil Armstrong didn't say "That's one small cow for man, one giant can of cow piss cola for mankind." And you may think of exporting your drink all you'd like to Mister Om, sir. I highly doubt the United States (nor any other country where cow piss is not a culturally accepted thirst quencher) will be first in line to get on the export list.

So to quickly recap: Some guy in India is making a soft drink out of cow urine. Seriously, do you need to know more than that? It will be called "gau jal" and I know that you don't care about that and all you want to know is if it's going to make it into the mainstream (pun still intended). Rest assured, all soft drinks in the United States are pee-free, but if you end up in India, not so much.

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Anonymous said...

hahahahahahah Gay indian, they shud respect ppls of world!

JOHN said...

well india is a land full of shit and disgusting people and they drink URINE ""Urine is a liquid waste product of the body secreted by the kidneys by a process of filtration from blood called urination and excreted through the urethra""


Kusrosh said...

Disgusting and most uneducated people!

Anonymous said...

At least it is better than eating the cow. Doctors say eating cow meat cloggs your arteries not to mention the suffering the cow goes through. what is disgusting is to see a cow try to turn around when it is in line to be slaughtered and someone comes with a tazer to make him move foward--but oh thats right Americans dont care if they hurt someone unless it is their dog or cat!I have seen people adore a walking stick outside then go eat a steak! Who has their priorities screwed up? India is full of shit but the West is full of the blood of innocents killed to feed their sensuality. Come to my website, i challenge you to go to the page vegetarianism and watch the famous slaughter videos.

Mare said...

Hey, there Last Anonymous.

I, personally, don't eat red meat. I don't need to watch a slaughter video. I know that it is an ugly process.

But thanks for reading!