I Can't Believe It's Not All Butter

Wingnut animal rights activist group PETA is the MASTER of PR. If there is ANYTHING at all in the news having to do even just a little bit with animals, whether they're being abused or mistreated or not, PETA is ALWAYS all over a story like that with their own quirky little outcry of denouncement. This time, their target is a trifecta of "offenders; the Iowa State Fair, a one sculptor Sarah Pratt, and a whole lot of butter. The astronaut and the surface of the moon are simply extras.

According to the New York Daily News, the IowaState Fair is "known for its butter cow". In case you're wondering (and who wouldn't be) what in the heck a"butter cow" is, it is just what it sounds like it is. It's a cow. Made of butter. It's a cow made out of butter. A butter cow. Behold!

That's a lot of butter. But it's not quite as much as you might think. I needed to know more about the history of the butter cow, mainly how it would come about that someone would conceive of the idea of sculpting a life-sized cow out of the delicious dairy spread. I mean, I know there wasn't always a lot to do before the Internet rolled into our lives to suck up any amount of free time that we once had, but how bored do you have to be to occupy yourself by carving bovine creatures out of one of the many, many culinary delights that we receive from the magical cow? Pretty bored, I'm guessing. But the point here is that when I went to the Iowa State Fair website to glean more knowledge about this practice, I was disappointed to learn that it wasn't a solid cow o'cholesterol, but rather "...a wood, metal, wire and steel mesh frame and about 600 lbs. of low moisture, pure cream Iowa butter. Once inside the 40-degree cooler, layers of butter are applied until a life-size butter cow emerges - measuring about 5-1/2-ft high and 8-ft long."

So it's going to be pretty thick, but it's not going to be solid. I don't see why they can't just start from a big blob of the stuff and then carve away. Slathering the stuff on the mesh frame sounds like tedious work,but it doesn't sound like it would take as much "talent" or "skill" as it would to carve out the creature from buttery scratch. But mind you, they've done this since 1911 and not a peep out of PETA before now. But now? Oh, NOW they're peeping all right. And it's all because Michael Jackson is dead. Wait. It is?

It IS! See, for some reason, it was decided "...days after Jackson's death that they also would display a sculpture of the King of Pop." Why? I'm not quite sure about that, but it might have something to do with the butter scultpure in tribute to the 40th anniversary of Neil Armstrong walking on the moon and someone deciding that what would really kick that tribute up a notch (and confuse the bejeezus out of fair goers) is to throw a butter sculpture of Michael Jackson in the mix as well. You know, so it will be JUST like the REAL moon landing. Or not. (Apparently, the Michael Jackson connection is that it's the 40th anniversary of man walking on the moon and Michael Jackson did the moon WALK. Granted, man walked on the moon in 1969 and Jackson didn't debut the moonwalk until 1984-ish, but it's still practically the same!)

Enter PETA! Over on their blog they write "Believe it or not, the organizers of this year's Iowa State Fair are considering erecting a statue of M.J. made out of butter." I don't know that the "believe it or not"part is all that necessary. I mean, I've heard of worse. They go on to write that the problem with the butter sculpture of Jacko is that "... the notion of promoting artery-clogging butter to young passersby is quite the opposite of "healing the world"." I don't know that they're promoting EATING the sculpture! There are also OLD passerbys I would imagine as well. What about THEIR artery-clogging impressions that they will undoubtedly walk away with after catching a glimpse of Buttery Michael?

And in a move that is supposed to appear as if PETA is not a media attention whore, they suggest that the fair"...make the statue out of Earth Balance, a dairy-free natural "buttery" spread" because that will be be honoring his memory in a (cholesterol-free) way that's fit for a king." Clearly, the folks at PETA have not seen pictures of kings. Kings looked like they were FAR from concerned about cholesterol. Turkey leg in one hand, a stein of grog or ale in the other. (Yeah, yeah, I know the ale and the grog are pirate fare, but I was drawing a blank on what kings got plastered on.)

First of all, a State Fair is HARDLY The place to start trying to advocate ANYTHING that is cholesterol free. State Fairs have given us such delights as the deep-fried Twinkie,

the giant cream puff,
the deep-fried Oreo
and Fernie's Fried Chili Frito Burrito. (That's a flour tortilla stuffed with chili and Chili Cheese Fritos and then deep-fried. Good Lord. And I say that in the best possible way as it looks delicious.)

Hardly the place to be on the no-cholesterol kick. Besides, it isn't like anyone is going to be EATING the Butter Cow. I highly doubt that you're allowed to get close enough to it that you could just lap out with your tongue and take a long hearty lick of it. And I'm going to assume that it will be that way with the Buttery Jacko sculpture as well. No one is going to be able to lick him either. Wait. Um...yeah. Too soon? Onward.
But of course, because Michael Jackson is and seemingly forever will be in the news, PETA had to latch onto this story and now PETA is in the news. They're in the news being mocked and laughed at by most, but again,when you're a media attention whore like PETA, you don't care. You're just happy you have followers who believe your drivel. And speaking of drivel, in the PETA blog post, there were some folks who left comments. Allow me to share with you some of the wisdom of those who read the PETA blog. Behold!

"Sounds like a good alternative to me. A statue made of butter probably sends the wrong message for MJ." And what message would that be? HOW is a statue of butter sending the WRONG message for Michael Jackson? What would be a better medium for the sculpture that would send the RIGHT message? Make it out of silicone like the majority of his body parts? Construct something out of used syringes? I don't get it.

"WHY NOT SOME THING WITH FLOWERS? I BELIEVE HE WOULD LIKE IT MORE IF HE WAS A LIVE" Um, if he were a live what?

"Build a statue out of metal thats a replica of the one in the promo video for his canceled This is It tour, put it in Gary Indiana, and let it be the end of all this madness. If it worked for Freddie Mercury it will work for Michael Jackson." Wait. If WHAT worked for Freddie Mercury? Queen? Death? And while I have NO idea what this person is talking about in regard to the promo video, I don't know that a hulking metal statue of Michael Jackson in Gary, Indiana is going to signal the END of madness!

"They should have built it out of recycled tins (: You get more colour and its good for the enviroment. :D " Recycled tin what? And how exactly are tin sculptures of recently deceased pop stars "good for the environment"? I don't get it.

Yeah, they're geniuses. Or is it geniuii? Whatever it is, those are the sort of folks who listen to the PETA folks.Those comments alone should tell you plenty about the PETA organization and its followers as a whole. PETA. It should stand for Please End The Asshattery. It'd be more accurate.

I don't know that anyone should care about whether or not there is a sculpture of Michael Jackson made out of butter or anything else for that matter at the Iowa State Fair. You want to have a big butter cow next to a big butter Neil Armstrong next to a big butter Michael Jackson, have at it. I'm not going to go home and slather myself in butter because I saw those things at the State Fair. (No, I'm going to go home and slather myself in butter because that's just Friday night in my household.) I'm SO not disturbed by the fact that butter comes from cows and they're going to make a sculpture out of the cow production product. However, I AM quite disturbed by this fact: "Much of the butter is recycled and reused for up to 10 years." Wait. What?

TEN years?! REUSED?!?! Why is THAT not news?! Why am I hearing about a Buttery Jacko when the butter that is going to be used could be the same butter that was used at the fair in 1999?!? Shouldn't we be hearing about THAT?! Where do they store it over the years? One would think that 600 pounds of used fair sculpture makin' butter takes up a lot of room. That you can keep the used butter and keep on using it for up to TEN years is more of a reason for me to not want to consume butter than telling me that butter isn't a good way to honor Michael Jackson because he deserves better than butter or some crap like that. Tell me that butter is kept and used for up to ten years for this little oddity of Americana and then you'll be gettin' somewhere with me. THAT sort of logic I will listen to.

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How Now California Cow?

Oh, where to begin? I suppose a California fiscal doom scenario update is probably in order seeing as how I've already mentioned that, while the state amasses more debt by having to issue IOUs (which pay the amount owed PLUS 3.25% interest when they're finally redeemed), the legislature has been busy bickering about what constitutes "real honey", what IS 100% pomegranate juice and how should the blueberries of the state be regulated.

(I swear, if ONE single person currently in the legislature manages to win their re-election we might have to seriously consider going back to the voting rules of yore. You know, the ones where you had to be a land owner in order to vote. The theory behind it being that you're invested and will therefore be informed on the issues to make the proper voting choice. Lately, people are not invested. People are morons. And since I've heard that we can't shoot them, nor is the deserted island (upon which to exile them to) available, a way to keep them out of the voting booth definitely needs to be looked at. And if that happens, hey, don't rule out all of the shooting! I'm just sayin'.)

So what's the problem now? Simple (an answer that both answers the question AND describes those working on the problem). More of the same. Only this time they've branched out. Instead of not working on the budget and focusing on fruits and condiments, now they're looking at cow tails. The tail of a cow. The cow's own tail. What now? Yep. Behold!

No! No! No! I said COWS TAIL. Not COW TALES! Again! From the top! Behold!

That's better. OK, so I got wind of this one when I read an article over yonder at JoinArnold.com that quoted the Governator as saying,"“In the midst of the biggest budget crisis we are having a debate about cow tails. So ask the legislators to stop debating about cow tails and let's do the budget.” Good Lord, what?

Here's the scoop: Apparently, there is something called "tail docking" which involves cutting off up to 2/3rds of a cow's tail. According to the text of SB 135, it's author, a one Dean Florez, writes that "tail docking is arcane...and that there is no benefit to tail docking normal healthy tails in dairy cattle based upon peer-reviewed scientific studies and governmental sponsored research." OK. That seemed reasonable. Right up until I read the analysis of the bill, that is.

In the analysis, a survey done earlier this year reported that ..."89.3% of the dairies are not docking tails and 86.2% of the cows are in dairy operations where tail docking is not practiced. The advisor concluded that the results from this survey suggest tail docking is an uncommon practice in California." Are they kidding? Of course they're not.

Let me get this straight, Mr. Florez. You can't talk about the budget right now because you're too busy trying to get some bill passed that only applied to 13.8% of the dairy cows in the state? I say "dairy cows" because in the beef industry they don't dock tails AT ALL unless the tail is injured! (How does a cow injure its tail exactly? They're not a very raucous animal, it seems odd that they'd sustain an injury of any sort. Dusty hooves, maybe. Other than that, hard to imagine.) So the total number of cows in the California that would be affected by this bill would hover somewhere around the neighborhood of less than 10%. I don't know that we need laws that are geared toward: A) Less than 10% of anything, and B) Laws about the the tails of cows!!

How much more do you plan on regulating this state, oh-sagelike Representative there? Seriously. You can't do ANYTHING in this state without it falling under some sort of guideline and regulation and/or requiring a permit and/or a fee! NOTHING! And it's always under the futile threat of up to $1,000 fine and/or six months in jail. Right. That happens ALL the time. (Tail dockers busted! On the next episode of COPS - The Bovine Beat!)

Regardless as to the over-regulation that has made your wannabe utopia more regimented than a German prison camp, don't you have other more pressing issues to deal with first? Let's say you're at home and your house is on fire. You rush for a phone to call 911, but before you do that (and as your house is STILL burning) you decide to call 1-800-DENTIST because that upper tooth on the left has really been sensitive lately and you've really been wanting to get that taken care of. Does THAT MOMENT seem like the best time for that?! NO! I understand your tooth hurts, but what say you wait until you're out of the burning building first, all rightee?

Are these people morons? Have they all sustained some sort of cranial injury which causes them to think and react like mildly retarded four year olds with just a touch of ADHD? Oh, and if the name Dean Florez sounds familiar to you, well, thanks for reading! But it's because Rep. Florez was the one who felt like The Governator was overreacting when he told the Representatives to stop bickering over the age old question, "What is honey?" and get back to work on the damned budget. Rep. Florez is the one who said, "He should really, really take a course on fundamental government on how the legislature works. The fact that he doesn't understand these things worries me." The fact that he is more concerned about honey and cows REALLY worries me. (And makes me question how he spends his free time.)

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Holy Cow! Urine There?!?!

Welcome to India where the always thorough and very well written Times Online brings us the story of a one Om Prakash (Om? Like Om on the Range? Sweet Om Alabama?) who is head of the (I'm not kidding) Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, (otherwise known as the RSS) in India. The RSS is the oldest and largest Hindu nationalist group. The Hindus are real big on the cow, not so much as an animal or a tasty dish, but rather as a revered figure in the Hindu culture. Pretty much, if you're a cow in India, you're not going to have to worry about seeing the inside of a sesame seed bun anytime soon. The Hindus believe that cow products, such as dung and urine, are cures "...for ailments ranging from liver disease to obesity and even cancer." (Trust me, I do have a point here.)

"Cow dung is traditionally used as a fuel and disinfectant in villages, while cow urine and dung are often consumed in rituals to "purify" those on the bottom rungs of the Hindu caste system." Huh. Purification of the lower classes through bovine liquid waste. An interesting theory, but probably hard to present valid data on (not that anyone would ever ask, I'm just sayin'). So what better way to purify your undesirables and cure that which ails all people and get your magical cow pee into the mainstream (pun intended) by making a soft drink out of it. Wait. What?

Correct. The "gau jal", or "cow water" as they say (and cow piss as I say) is currently "undergoing laboratory tests and would be launched "very soon, maybe by the end of this year." " All of that according to Om, the brains (or should I say the bladder) behind this whole operation. "We have developed a soft drink formula with gau jal as the base and it has been sent to a laboratory at Lucknow for testing." Yeah, I should think that you might be needing some Lucknow if you think this idea is going to fly soon. (Personally, I'm thinking a more appropriate place to send this stuff would be maybe Nochancein, Hell.)

Om, cow pee proprietor, told the Times Online "Don't worry, it won't smell like urine and will be tasty too." You know, no offense sir, but, um, if it's all right with you, I think I'm going to just go ahead and worry about this just a little bit! Oh, if I find myself in a position where I would have to actually drink this myself, I'll be worrying quite a bit then! But not worrying at all? I don't see that happening.

Om also said, "...it's going to be very healthy. It won't be like carbonated drinks and would be devoid of any toxins." OH, you got that straight! If it's made with cow urine, if definitely will not be like carbonated drinks! Not at all! See, my carbonated drinks are always, and I mean always, always 100% cow urine free! And that's not just cow urine that my carbonated drinks are devoid of! It's all urine that is not present in my carbonated drinks. I'm very confident that there is not a drop of pee in any of them. But that's just my preference. There could be others who don't think that way, and apparently Mr. Om is one of them. (And by the way, health? Yeah, it's kind of overrated if you're going to resort to drinking cow urine. I don't need health that badly! I'm perfectly OK with the kind of health which does not require drinking cow urine.)

Now, the RSS does try to influence the masses of Hindus in India by such means as "...when it organised a nationwide boycott of multinational consumer goods, including Pepsi and Coca Cola" back in 1994. Uh-huh. Yeah, and I can see that by the way that Coke and Pepsi have been struggling ever since to keep their companies in business, that it was a smashing success. Oh, wait a minute! Oh, that's right! Yeah, it didn't do any good. Coke and Pepsi don't care if you boycott. In fact, they'd probably run advertising FOR you announcing that your product is made from cow urine! I'd almost guarantee they'd cover the cost of your advertising to make sure that everyone know that your "gau jal" is very, very urine-y and that Coke and Pepsi are pee-free! Call them up and see what they say!

Om has clarified that the price of the "gau jal" will be that of "cheap". That's as detailed as he was about it. But for some delusional reason (perhaps, ingesting too much urine which comes from a cow! Actually, ingesting too much urine that comes from anywhere doesn't ever sound like a good idea!) he seems to think "...that it would be able to compete with the American cola brands, even with their enormous advertising budgets." Well, good! The last thing I want to see on Super Bowl Sunday is Justin Timberlake trying to sell me an ice cold can of "gau jal". Wait. Would it be served cold? 'Cause pee is warm. Eeewww... Om says that "...cow urine will not only be natural but cost-effective too." Well for cryin' out loud, I should hope so! After all, it's just urine! My urine is rather cost effective as well, but that doesn't mean I'm going to market it as a beverage.

Well, however it's served, Om feels that he and his cow urine are going to come out on top for once, as he declared "We're going to give them good competition as our drink is good for mankind. We may also think of exporting it." No, your drink is good for a "kind of man", not so much "mankind". Neil Armstrong didn't say "That's one small cow for man, one giant can of cow piss cola for mankind." And you may think of exporting your drink all you'd like to Mister Om, sir. I highly doubt the United States (nor any other country where cow piss is not a culturally accepted thirst quencher) will be first in line to get on the export list.

So to quickly recap: Some guy in India is making a soft drink out of cow urine. Seriously, do you need to know more than that? It will be called "gau jal" and I know that you don't care about that and all you want to know is if it's going to make it into the mainstream (pun still intended). Rest assured, all soft drinks in the United States are pee-free, but if you end up in India, not so much.

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