Sunday, February 15, 2009

This is Why They're Really Fat

Last week was rough. I've got OctoMom information coming out the wazoo! (And if you've ever had anything coming out the wazoo, you know that's quite a feat, not to mention very surprising!) So really, what would rather see right about now? These photos of OctoMom on her way to get a manicure and of her getting said manicure? And doing so with zero children in tow, I might add. (She has fourteen, by the way. Fourteen children! How does someone with fourteen children manage to go by themselves to get a manicure?!?! A manicure that is paid for with taxpayer money!!!) Behold!

(Huh. Maybe I should go get a manicure. After seeing those pics, I'm feeling the need to utilize one of my fingers right now, so I'm thinking that they should look nice. You have got to be kidding me. I can't take it any more. Just shoot me. Well, wait until I'm done with this first. I'm on a roll.) Or would you rather see pictures of things from an awesome website called This Is Why You're Fat? Behold!

Good! Things full of fat (like you will be after you eat them) win!! Yay!

So have you been over to This Is Why You're Fat yet? If not, that's totally understandable, as it's only been online for a few weeks from what I understand. According to a one Cindy Casares who wrote an article over there at, the site was the brainchild of two individuals who are protecting their identity by remaining anonymous at this time so that they can “keep it about the food.” All right then. Those folks "...say the site evolved naturally from the amount of gross food items pictured on the Internet. “There are many food blogs out there but none seem to really capture the beauty of true gluttony.” " Congratulations, for if that's what you set out to do, "capture the beauty of true gluttony", then mission accomplished.

There is enough grease and oil in the food over there to oil and lube my truck once a day, every day, for weeks! Part of me doesn't think that anyone actually eats a lot of the food that is depicted on the site. (Oh, don't get me wrong! I am well aware of how fat this country is. But some of that stuff, I just don't know about. It's not like I haven't been to a county fair or two. If you ever want to see first hand why people are fat, take a stroll through the fairgrounds one warm summer evening and look around. If you hang out for at least an hour I will guarantee that you'll see at least two, probably more, people who are driving around a motorized Rascal because they're too damn fat to walk. Guaranteed. One hour. I swear. I mean, good Lord, people are huge...and I'm not referring to Jessica Simpson who looks awesome. Anyone who thought that she looked fat should have their head examined. Or kicked. Hard.) But I could be wrong. I'll let you decide. Or vomit. It's really a toss up as to which one comes first after seeing some of these alleged edibles.

Let's begin with the Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt. Mmmm. What's in it? Your basic two, four-ounce beef patties, with cheese and bacon (naturally) and then three bacon stuffed grilled cheese sandwiches act as the bun! Ta-da!

I think I'm gonna be sick. I think I just was. Grilled cheese sandwiches for buns? My God! It's genius, man!! Sheer genius!

You want to know why you're fat? It's the fat! As in deep fried in fat. Mmmm...mmmm....good. Fat is like the tastiest thing ever. That's why it's bad for us. Here we have the deep-fried trifecta of a deep-fried Twinkie, a deep-fried French fry covered hot dog and a deep-fried Mars bar. Behold!

Just in case you're holding out hope that these things don't make you fat, here's a photo of a deep fried s'more. I think you see the point. Or lack there of.

One thing that apparently makes people fat is a nice, warm, glazed Krispy Kreme donut. By itself it does the job just fine. But some folks take it to a whole different level. We're talking the Krispy Kreme Bacon Donut:

The Krispy Kreme Donut Sloppy Joe:

And the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburgers:

If Homer Simpson saw these (and if he were real), I'm pretty sure he'd think he'd died and gone to fictional, donut loving cartoon character heaven. (By the way, it is not necessary to say "Mmmm....baaaaaaaa-cooonnnnn" every time that you read the word "bacon". I heard you and I'm clear over here!)

Calling Michael Phelps! Calling Michael Phelps! These chaps have fashioned themselves a sixty, yes sixty, a sixty pound Rice Krispie Treat.

Look at how big that is! It's huge! You wouldn't even need a plate or a napkin or anything. You could just walk up to it and bite a chunk off. You could just keep right on biting chunks off. You could do that right up until you blew those chunks after realizing you'd just noshed on approximately ten pounds of Rice Krispie Treat. Those dudes rule!

And they're really big on pizzas over there. Not your normal pizzas (as if you couldn't have figured that out by now!). No, these are definitely variations on the theme of the pizza. Here we have a Chicago Deep Dish pizza that looks to be about 3 or more inches tall and below that we have a pizza slice covered in gravy. Behold!

Now, listen...I know that the pizza with the gravy would likely taste absolutely disgusting, but for some reason, it looks like it would be fabulous! I'm kind of ashamed to admit it, but it does! Ugh. I can't even think about it. And if I can't think about that, I certainly can't think about a corn dog pizza or, for those who can't decide, a Happy Meal Pizza. Behold!

Oh, what the hell are those? Just what I said! The top one is a corn dog pizza. The bottom two are pizzas topped with burgers, chicken nuggets and French fries. And contrary to my thoughts about the gravy pizza, these do not look good at all, nor do they sound like they would be good. They just make me want to hurl.

That's some good stuff right there. It's like a train wreck. You know you shouldn't look, but you just can't help yourself. And there is plenty more where these came from. Go over and check them out. You're guaranteed to either lose your appetite or start mixing up 60 pounds of Rice Krispies.

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1 comment:

Grannyann said...

Oh my gosh!!! Just looking at all that food made me gasp. Had to hurry and slip through all that grease. I too wondered about OctaMom and her fingernails. I noticed them when she was touching the babies in the hospital. I think she planned all along to let everyone else pay for the care of all her kids.