How Does This Even Happen?

Sometimes, I hear of a story that is just so odd that I don't know how to feel about it. On the one hand, it's probably terrible what a certain person did. On the other hand, if that person couldn't have committed their terrible act without complicit involvement from the "victims", am I still supposed to feel bad? I'm not sure. And in this case, it's so freaking weird that I'm just all confused.

Our story takes place in the quiet West Wales village of Cwmduad, near Carmarthen. Let's just call it the UK. A guy named Reginald Gill came up with a plan. Now, just because it's a "plan" doesn't mean that it should have had any chance at all of succeeding. That it did succeed is completely astounding and believe me, I will delve into that later. But according to The Daily Mail, Mr. Gill had a business that involved the peddling of homeopathic products and treatments. It was in this practice that he was also passing himself off as a doctor. And as in his capacity as a fake doctor in a store full of hokum, he came up with what I can only describe as the stupidest idea ever. Then again, it did work, so what do I know?

Here's what he did: This guy told women that they had breast cancer. Horrible, right? But then, he told them that he had a cure! Oh, yay! (Yeah, you know it's not gonna be real, right? Ok, good.) And the cure that he proposed was for him, the "doctor", to suck on their breasts for thirty minutes a day! Now, I don't know if that's thirty minutes each or thirty minutes total. I guess that it's probably just 30 minutes on the allegedly afflicted bosom. But that's not the craziest part. No, the craziest part is that at least three women agreed to this!

Listen, in the age of the Internet, why you would just automatically agree to have a seventy-seven year old dude start suckling on you like a new born calf? Actually, in the realm of consciousness, why wouldn't you, at the very least, get a second opinion? You don't think to yourself, "Hmmm. Well, that's a little unconventional. I've never heard of such a treatment. And it sounds perverse. I wonder if I should get another opinion?" That never crosses your mind? Not ONCE?! What is wrong with you?

Somehow, this gets out. I guess there was at least one woman who received a fake diagnosis and an even faker treatment plan and decided that perhaps it be best for her to alert some sort of authority to the matter. He goes to trial and is found guilty and sentenced to eight years. I don't know what the typical jail sentence is for something like this, but I'm not going to argue with eight years. And really, I'm not so sure that he should be going to jail at all. Maybe if he had played his cards better...

Wait! Just hear me out! He could have told the judge, "Look...I came up with an absolutely stupid idea. Perhaps, the stupidest idea that's ever been thought up. It shouldn't have worked on anyone ever! How is the fact that it worked my problem? This was a bad plan! It is laughable that anyone would have fallen for it! That they did, I don't see how that's my fault! Your Honor." And if he had said that, he would have been right! It takes two! How do those women, those clueless, gullible, softheaded women, how do they not share any of the blame! If you think about it, none of this could have ever happened without their help. I'm just sayin'.

And accompanying this guy to jail will be his 35-year old wife! What is her deal? She's married to a weirdo who is 42 years older than her (and not in a good way) and she goes along with this little plot?! How does that work? Does he present her with his patently stupid idea (that never should have succeeded on anyone ever) and she just says, "Let me get this straight. You want to pretend that you're a doctor and tell women that they have breast cancer when they really don't so that you can suck on their boobs when you tell them that's the cure...I'M IN!"

I'm telling ya, I'd like to talk to everyone involved in this fiasco. Just for like ten minutes each. I have several concise questions that I'm dying to ask the willing participants in this lunacy! Granted, most of them start with "WTF", but there are some variances.

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Caine's Arcade

This is one of the best things I have ever seen. I love the imagination of little kids. I also love it when I come across a little kid with ingenuity and determination and a real passion for whatever it is that the kid might be into at the moment. Caine Monroy is one of those kids. Over the summer, Caine went to work with his dad every day at his dad's used auto parts store in east LA. As a fan of those arcade games where you can win prizes, Caine set out to build his own arcade using his awesome imagination, a bunch of cardboard and a whole lot of packing tape. The only problem was that there wasn't a lot of foot traffic to his dad's store because most of the store's business had gone online. Enter a guy named Nirvan Mullick. Nirvan saw the awesomeness of Caine's arcade and asked permission from Caine's dad to make a short movie about Caine. Below is that movie. It's amazing. Simply amazing. If it doesn't play, click here.

I've watched this several times. And now I can almost watch it and not want to cry! When I was little, I loved the video games in arcades. I always dreamed of having my own arcade at home. Now that I'm a "grown up", I'm slowly building that arcade in my garage. (I'm up to three games! And I'm getting ready to put in planetary carpet that glows in the dark!) I know that sort of love for something that Caine has. He says at the end of the movie that he was proud of what he had made. He should be. It's awesome.

By the way, there's also a website and there's a fund set up for donations to a college fund for Caine. So far, it's over $100,000! Obviously, I'm not the only one who finds this whole thing incredibly touching and who finds Caine to be an exceptional individual. Check it out. You won't be sorry. Way to go, Caine!

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A Real Piece Of Work

I always think that I'm not going to be surprised by people. And then what happens? You guessed it. I get surprised. And in this case, my surprise turned to anger very quickly.



Let's meet a woman named Angel Adams. Ms. Adams lives somewhere in Florida (shocking, I know) with her twelve children. That's right. TWELVE. And technically, she has fifteen, but I guess she must have misplaced the other three because they don't live with her. Now, Ms. Adams doesn't have any job or any way to support herself. She had a baby daddy who managed to father ten of those children, but he was arrested and left her to fend for herself.



When I said "fend for herself" I meant that she was left to get all that she could out of all of the social service programs and welfare programs that she possibly could. That got a little tricky after she was evicted from her apartment for (wait for it) having twelve children in there with her. She ended up at a motel and that's where the news cameras caught up with her. Good thing, too. If they hadn't, we never would have been able to see the tantrum that she throws, as she is demanding that SOMEONE be responsible for her children. Wait. What now?



Correct. SOMEONE needs to pay. Her exact words were "Somebody needs to pay for alllllllllllll my children! And my and Gary, and all our suffering and our pain! Somebody needs to be held accountable! Somebody needs to pay!” Uh, OK. See, now my first question is "Shouldn't YOU be responsible?" But of course, the guy who was doing the story didn't ask her that. Why not? Because the media sucks, that's why. What else would explain a reporter not asking the most basic of questions?! (Another thing that we don't know? What the baby daddy was arrested for. Why don't we know? Because the media sucks. Now you're catching on! But I digress.)



This woman is one of the most delusional people that I have had the displeasure of learning about in a long time. FIFTEEN children. No job. Apparently no knowledge of modern methods of birth control. And not grateful enough that social services pays her rent and her utilities. OK, then. You really need to see this woman. Below is a montage of her various appearances on the local news. The really good stuff happens early on, though. Right around 1:50-ish is where it starts to get good.

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When Suddenly...Whales

I am exhausted. This holiday stuff starts early for me for some reason. Anyway, that's the reason for the short posts lately. Unfortunately, today isn't going to be much of an exception. But I do have a boring story and an exciting video for you, so that's something!

There are a lot of whales hanging around delightfully close to the shores of Santa Cruz. I guess that there is an abundance of krill and anchovies or something like that and the whales are just enjoying the abundant buffet. I went down there last week to see if I could see the whales from the shore. I could not. But if I had been like the surfer in the video below, I would have seen the whales up close and then some. Holy canoli. I'm still trying to figure out how no one in the video yelled "Holy s***" or something like that. If the video doesn't load below, try clicking here. It really is quite extraordinary.

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Most Depressing Poll Results Ever

I know that we're doomed. I know that we're scroomed. And I've seen it coming for a while now. I just didn't realize (or didn't want to realize) how bad the doomnation has become. Today, I realized it's farther along than I thought. People are more like sheeple more than ever now. And do I have a story for you to illustrate that point.

Let's refer to the article that the fine folks over at the NYDailyNews.com put together and learn about an instance in which a 6-year old boy from Oregon stole the family minivan and went out for a drive in search of some sort of snack because he was allegedly hungry. He never did get those snacks because he ended up plowing into several mailboxes before running into a truck. Oh, and in order to pay for the snacks that he was in search of, he took some "rolls of pennies". Well, at least he wasn't going to show up empty handed. And he took it upon himself to take care of his basic needs. Seems like a real go-getter, that boy. But that's not what has me concerned.

Like a lot of news stories online, there was a little poll next to the article. And, like a lot of polls next to news stories online, this poll seemed asinine to me. Here is the question: Should cars have more safety precautions to prevent kids from taking joyrides? Uhh...what? Like what sort of safety precautions? I really can't even imagine because it's a ridiculous question. How about you try to teach your kid not to drive the car when they're six, all right? OK, then. But let's look at the choices anyway, shall we?

You may choose from one of the following answers:

Yes! Kids are getting too smart these days thanks to technology. Keys are not that hard to figure out.

No. Parents should be responsible enough to keep car keys out of kids’ hands.

I'm too stupid to decide. (OK, I this one up. The real choice was "I'm not sure".)

Am I the only one who found the first choice to be not only ridiculous, but contradictory as well? Technology is making kids too smart, yet keys are not that hard to figure out. Well, if the keys are not that hard to figure out, then what does technology have to do with it? And I'm not so sure that I buy that technology is making kids too smart. It's definitely not making adults too smart, I'll tell you that. But, then again, I digress. Just to see what the percentages were, I went ahead and participated in the poll. I clicked on "No. Parents should be responsible enough to keep car keys out of kids' hands." Then I clicked "Vote" so that I could see the results. I wish I hadn't. I wish I had just walked away in my blissful ignorance and kept thinking that more people would think that people should be responsible enough to keep their car keys out of the hands of their small children. But I didn't walk away.

No, instead I looked at the results and almost totally lost it when I read that ninety four percent of the people that took the poll thought that cars should have more safety precautions to prevent kids from taking joyrides because technology is making kids too smart and that keys are not that hard to figure out! Ninety four percent thought that. Ninety four percent did not think that parents should be responsible enough to keep car keys out of kids' hands. Ninety four percent. What in the world is wrong with those people?

I want those people studied. More importantly, I want them sterilized. Now. If they can't do anything to prevent their underage kids from taking their vehicles because keys are not that hard to figure out, then it's over. We're done. There is nothing left to do but to continue to take up residence in my walled off compound and hope for sweet, sweet victory of death to overtake me. Ninety four percent of people believe that there is nothing that they can do to change or mold their children's behavior. Ninety four percent. We're scroomed.

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Late To The Party

This has been plastered all over the Internet at this point, so I feel like I'm a little late to the party on this one. Then again, being late has never stopped me before. The video below is of a guy named Ted Williams. (No, not the baseball player who had his head lopped off and frozen in some cryonics lab somewhere.) He is homeless, seemingly due to drug and alcohol problems that plagued in him the past. He claims to be two years sober and is now looking for work. What makes him different from all of the other homeless guys that accost my vehicle at the off ramps? Well, this guy actually has a marketable talent that he's hoping to let people know about so that he can find his way off of the street and back into regular life. The video is below. His talent will become obvious as soon as he opens his mouth. For some reason, folks have taken to calling him the Man With The Golden Voice. I don't know what a golden voice would sound like, but it's pretty amazing regardless.

Update on this story: The Cleveland Cavaliers have offered him a full-time job and a free house. I believe that he has accepted. Congratulations, Ted! Now get to work.

Update Part Deux: Originally, when posted on YouTube, this video had garnered over five million hits. This man's story is everywhere. Naturally, that's why the video was taken down due to a copyright claim by The Dispatch, the newspaper that broke this story (I think). What gives, Dispatch? A copyright claim? Are you serious? Wow, good thing that his story got out there before you and your copyright claims took the video down. Maybe if you had done that a little sooner, the guy would still be homeless and no one would know about him. Good idea. Thanks for nothing, Dispatch.

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A Little Diversity, A Lot of Coordination

Somehow, in the last post, whilst doing all the mentioning of Susan Boyle and how she came in second place in "Britain's Got Talent", I neglected to mention who she came in second place to. She finished runner-up to a group called Diversity. They do some dancing. And when I say "some dancing" it's about the same as if I had said the ocean is a little damp. These guys are pretty amazing. Granted, I can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, so I'm easily impressed at just the slightest hint of coordination. And these guys have plenty of it.

The video of their performance during the Finals of "Britain's Got Talent" is below. I know it says that it's like 5 minutes long, but really, the "little dance number" that they do is less than 2 minutes, just so you know. (Maybe you're pressed for time. I don't know! Just trying to be helpful. And also trying to give you at least some reason to take the time to watch it. If I'm going to be watching a YouTube video, I've come to the conclusion that I can easily commit to one minute. Two? Perhaps. Anything longer than two minutes and I'm going to need some convincing. There's a lot of crap out there and I don't need to waste my time watching it.)

Behold! Diversity!

What'd I tell ya? Not bad, eh? Holy smokes!

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This is Why They're Really Fat

Last week was rough. I've got OctoMom information coming out the wazoo! (And if you've ever had anything coming out the wazoo, you know that's quite a feat, not to mention very surprising!) So really, what would rather see right about now? These photos of OctoMom on her way to get a manicure and of her getting said manicure? And doing so with zero children in tow, I might add. (She has fourteen, by the way. Fourteen children! How does someone with fourteen children manage to go by themselves to get a manicure?!?! A manicure that is paid for with taxpayer money!!!) Behold!

(Huh. Maybe I should go get a manicure. After seeing those pics, I'm feeling the need to utilize one of my fingers right now, so I'm thinking that they should look nice. You have got to be kidding me. I can't take it any more. Just shoot me. Well, wait until I'm done with this first. I'm on a roll.) Or would you rather see pictures of things from an awesome website called This Is Why You're Fat? Behold!

Good! Things full of fat (like you will be after you eat them) win!! Yay!

So have you been over to This Is Why You're Fat yet? If not, that's totally understandable, as it's only been online for a few weeks from what I understand. According to a one Cindy Casares who wrote an article over there at Guanabee.com, the site was the brainchild of two individuals who are protecting their identity by remaining anonymous at this time so that they can “keep it about the food.” All right then. Those folks "...say the site evolved naturally from the amount of gross food items pictured on the Internet. “There are many food blogs out there but none seem to really capture the beauty of true gluttony.” " Congratulations, for if that's what you set out to do, "capture the beauty of true gluttony", then mission accomplished.

There is enough grease and oil in the food over there to oil and lube my truck once a day, every day, for weeks! Part of me doesn't think that anyone actually eats a lot of the food that is depicted on the site. (Oh, don't get me wrong! I am well aware of how fat this country is. But some of that stuff, I just don't know about. It's not like I haven't been to a county fair or two. If you ever want to see first hand why people are fat, take a stroll through the fairgrounds one warm summer evening and look around. If you hang out for at least an hour I will guarantee that you'll see at least two, probably more, people who are driving around a motorized Rascal because they're too damn fat to walk. Guaranteed. One hour. I swear. I mean, good Lord, people are huge...and I'm not referring to Jessica Simpson who looks awesome. Anyone who thought that she looked fat should have their head examined. Or kicked. Hard.) But I could be wrong. I'll let you decide. Or vomit. It's really a toss up as to which one comes first after seeing some of these alleged edibles.

Let's begin with the Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt. Mmmm. What's in it? Your basic two, four-ounce beef patties, with cheese and bacon (naturally) and then three bacon stuffed grilled cheese sandwiches act as the bun! Ta-da!

I think I'm gonna be sick. I think I just was. Grilled cheese sandwiches for buns? My God! It's genius, man!! Sheer genius!

You want to know why you're fat? It's the fat! As in deep fried in fat. Mmmm...mmmm....good. Fat is like the tastiest thing ever. That's why it's bad for us. Here we have the deep-fried trifecta of a deep-fried Twinkie, a deep-fried French fry covered hot dog and a deep-fried Mars bar. Behold!

Just in case you're holding out hope that these things don't make you fat, here's a photo of a deep fried s'more. I think you see the point. Or lack there of.

One thing that apparently makes people fat is a nice, warm, glazed Krispy Kreme donut. By itself it does the job just fine. But some folks take it to a whole different level. We're talking the Krispy Kreme Bacon Donut:

The Krispy Kreme Donut Sloppy Joe:

And the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburgers:

If Homer Simpson saw these (and if he were real), I'm pretty sure he'd think he'd died and gone to fictional, donut loving cartoon character heaven. (By the way, it is not necessary to say "Mmmm....baaaaaaaa-cooonnnnn" every time that you read the word "bacon". I heard you and I'm clear over here!)

Calling Michael Phelps! Calling Michael Phelps! These chaps have fashioned themselves a sixty, yes sixty, a sixty pound Rice Krispie Treat.

Look at how big that is! It's huge! You wouldn't even need a plate or a napkin or anything. You could just walk up to it and bite a chunk off. You could just keep right on biting chunks off. You could do that right up until you blew those chunks after realizing you'd just noshed on approximately ten pounds of Rice Krispie Treat. Those dudes rule!

And they're really big on pizzas over there. Not your normal pizzas (as if you couldn't have figured that out by now!). No, these are definitely variations on the theme of the pizza. Here we have a Chicago Deep Dish pizza that looks to be about 3 or more inches tall and below that we have a pizza slice covered in gravy. Behold!

Now, listen...I know that the pizza with the gravy would likely taste absolutely disgusting, but for some reason, it looks like it would be fabulous! I'm kind of ashamed to admit it, but it does! Ugh. I can't even think about it. And if I can't think about that, I certainly can't think about a corn dog pizza or, for those who can't decide, a Happy Meal Pizza. Behold!

Oh, what the hell are those? Just what I said! The top one is a corn dog pizza. The bottom two are pizzas topped with burgers, chicken nuggets and French fries. And contrary to my thoughts about the gravy pizza, these do not look good at all, nor do they sound like they would be good. They just make me want to hurl.

That's some good stuff right there. It's like a train wreck. You know you shouldn't look, but you just can't help yourself. And there is plenty more where these came from. Go over and check them out. You're guaranteed to either lose your appetite or start mixing up 60 pounds of Rice Krispies.

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Is There Anything Animals Can't Do?

I was going to wait until my consultant for all things that are water had gotten back to me before I went ahead with this post, but I couldn't wait. This needed to be addressed NOW.

Apparently, there is a Naval Base Kitsap-Bangor. Clearly, it's a US Navy Naval Base. Not so clear is where it's located, but I learned it was across Puget Sound by Seattle. The Navy feels the need to have the waters around the Naval Base patrolled. That sounds reasonable to me. Now, being as how it is a Naval Base I assumed that it would be the (stay with me here) Navy that did the patrolling. Not so. Not so. The Navy, the one that I thought would do all of the patrolling and protecting, has a different idea. They feel that the waterfront should be patrolled and guarded by (wait for it).....dolphins and sea lions. Wait. By dolp...and...what? WTF?

Oh! It gets better! Trust me! They're going to have a meeting in February to discuss this. Yes. It's actually up for discussion to have Flipper and Friends keep our country safe! According to the unbelievable article over there at the Kitsap Sun, "The Navy is considering five options: California sea lions and Atlantic bottlenose dolphins; just sea lions; combat swimmers; remotely operated vehicles; and no change. The sea lions-only option was added after the public suggested it in 2007, said Navy spokeswoman Sheila Murray." The "sea lions only option was added after the public suggested it"?!?! This is why you don't leave things open to the general public to just throw out ideas! We all know the public is chock full of morons! They'll say anything! "Sea lions" "Sea lions ONLY!" "What about Shamu? Is he available?" "Get the big seahorse that Aquaman rides on!" "Get Aquaman!" What the hell is the US Navy doing listening to the public anyway? Good Lord, we're doomed.

Apparently, not doing anything "...wouldn’t comply with terrorism-related requirements". They don't specify what those requirements are, but I'm guessing that they're something along the lines of "Do Something." And that works for me, really. Well, it did. Until I learned that "something" included "dolphins and sea lions" being in charge. But I'm just slow, I guess because "The Navy’s preferred alternative is dolphins and sea lions. It has used them for 40 years." Um, it's the Navy's preferred alternative to what? People?! I'm sorry, I didn't realize that there was an alternative to people. And I certainly didn't realize that it meant animals. (Though they could be a suitable alternative for bloggers. No one would notice, really.)

But get this...get what they say these animals can do. Ready? You're not. Trust me. I wasn't. I'm still all a-boggle over this. First the dolphins.

• "If they found an intruder, they would swim back to the boat and alert the handler, who would place a strobe light on one of the dolphin’s noses. The dolphin would race back and bump the intruder’s back, knocking the light off. The light would float to the surface, marking the spot. The dolphin would swim back to the boat, join the handler, and they would clear out. Security guards would race to the strobe to subdue the intruder."

Oh, my God. What?!? Now hold on before you go getting all a-boggled as well. While stunningly fascinating, the sea lions dealio will really floor you. The sea lions:

• Sea lions can carry in their mouths special cuffs attached to long ropes. If they found a suspicious swimmer, they would clamp the cuff around the person’s leg. The intruder can then be reeled in for questioning.

They can DO that?!?! Really?! Since when? I want to see that! I want to see that now! I thought they were limited to that beach ball on the nose trick! (And quite frankly, that gets old after about the second time around. For me and for the sea lion, I would imagine.) I'd much rather see this!! Holy crap! Special cuffs. In their sea lion-y little mouths. Which clamp! Which they, the sea lion, clamp! Onto an intruder-y leg! Wow!

"The Navy likes the marine mammal option because the dolphins’ biosonar is better than any man has made and they’re best for covering ground in open water." The best as compared to what though? Large boats and ships that the US Navy uses? I'm not feeling quite so safe and secure as I was just about 20 minutes ago before I read this story. (Hey, I'm on a coast! It's relevant! Ah, who am I kidding? I have the attention span of a gnat. I'll forget all about this probably before I...hey! A quarter!)

As for the sea lions, well their "...sonar range isn’t as good, but they can see and hear better underwater and are better for shallower work around piers. They are reliable, available, less expensive". I'm glad that the US Navy checked to make sure that the sea lions were "available". That was considerate of them to not impose upon the daily routine of said sea lions. Very accommodating to have the sea lions check their schedule and see if they were busy or when they could squeeze in a little coastal protection duty for the Navy. I'm guessing it was probably between "swim on back while eating fish" and "lie on rock after eating fish". Boy, that's a busy day right there if you're a sea lion. And they are less expensive than say, oh, a person who might want to be paid for such a job. That's true! Sea lions almost never demand payment or sue you for back pay and wages. Rarely does that ever happen. Rarely.

So, seriously, where do I go to see the sea lion put the leg clamp on a bad guy? That's the coolest thing I've heard all year. I know it's only January, but it's going to be hard to top! The article says that there is a public comment period that runs until March 1, 2009. I'm thinking I might have to drop those folks a line and ask them where I can see this for myself. They'd have to admit that it's pretty amazing, don't you think? They'd understand why I feel the need to witness this myself. It's not classified or anything (though I'm wondering why in the world it isn't. You have these creatures that you've just plucked out of the ocean and put to work for the US Navy. That's not exactly something I'd think you'd want everyone to know...especially the evil doers. I guess it might not matter, though, because are the evil doers really going to believe it? Not until Flipper is hurling a beacon at his little dinghy would he start thinking that the United State and her mammals mean business!).

I think that I've heard of all of this before, but I don't know that I took it all too seriously. There are a lot of stories floating around out there that don't necessarily pan out into much. Lone gunman. Geometry. Lots of stuff. I guess I just figured this was one of those. Apparently not. I would still like to know when it was that we decided we were on such good terms with the ocean denizens that we could just put them to work for us. (We kind of tried that once before but in another capacity in this country. That didn't go so well.) And if I think about it, I guess I'm not surprised that the Navy would rather have the animals doing this stuff than humans. Humans are morons, so I'm kinda relieved they went with the water mammals instead. On the other hand, I am just fascinated by the fact that we can train these creatures to do this for us. And they do! I mean, I've gotta say, if it were me? I'm not so sure I'd be quite so willing. What's in it for me? Fish? Again? Hmmm. How much fish? Oh! Really? Huh. Lemme think about it. I'll get back to you.

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