Still Not A Winner

Hey, guess what happened? The Mega Millions winner in Maryland came forward and guess what? I know this will shock you, but it turns out that it was NOT that possibly mentally ill woman who called herself Mirlande Wilson on the news, but who goes by Sheila Paraison on Facebook (for reasons that I still cannot ascertain). Shocking, I know!

Seriously, this woman has been going around for at least a week and telling everyone that she won. Well, that was at first. Then it was that she won, but she hid the ticket at the McDonald's that she worked at. (How that McDonald's was not torn apart McNugget by McNugget is beyond me.) After that it was that it was in her house somewhere, but she couldn't find it. (For some reason, her 15-year old daughter had been asked about this and she responded that Mirlande/Sheila wouldn't let the kids (she has SEVEN of them) look for the ticket and the girl said she was crying because "it's a lot of money". Yes. Yes, it is. Sorry to say that you won't be getting a lot of money. Also sorry to say that your mom is a bit of a cuckoo bird.) I think after that it was in God's hands. (That didn't make any sense to me either, because God can't cash it in. Why would he have it?) And the worst part about that whole fiasco is that she had gone in with a bunch of her McDonald's co-workers to buy a bunch of tickets and basically said that she won, but that she wasn't sharing because she bought her ticket separately. Yeah, OK, then.

But yesterday it comes out that the winners have claimed their prize in Maryland and (spoiler alert!) it was not Ms. Wilson/Paraison. The winners were three Maryland public school system employees who have chosen to remain anonymous. That's a little different than the woman who had been claiming that she won. Looking back, considering that she didn't win, the anonymous route probably would have saved her a little bit of humiliation. Well, that is, if she understood that she really didn't win.

See, she's still denying that she didn't win. According to the New York Post, she "...insisted yesterday that she didn’t lie when she told her lottery pool co-workers — and the world — that she had hit the Mega Millions jackpot." But...but...she didn't win. They didn't give her the money. And she was saying that she won...sooooooo....what now? I don't get it either. But after the lottery folks announced that these other three people had actually won (and apparently had the ticket, and now the money, to prove it), she said “I don’t know who lied. I’m not the liar!" But...but...you are.

Tell me something. What do you think that this woman was thinking was going to happen with this little story of hers? Did she think that the lottery people were just going to give her the money simply because she said that she won? I think that's why they make you actually show the ticket. And what about all of her co-workers at McDonald's? How did she think that this was going to go over with all of them? Can you imagine how tense things must be around that deep fryer these days? She's going to find herself minced up in one of those God-awful Snack Wraps one of these days I'd imagine. Just one more example of how I just don't get people. I don't get this crazy line of thinking. Oh, wait. That's right. She's crazy. Never mind. I got it. Carry on!

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I Don't Think She Really Won

I have figured out what the deal is with the Mega Millions "winner" that I discussed yesterday. Yes, after reading several articles about this situation, there is only one conclusion that I can come to. She's nuttier than a fruit bat.

I'll start with the obvious. This woman's name is Mirlande Wilson and she works at McDonald's. She has seven children and is not married. But for some reason, she goes by Sheila Paraison on Facebook. Other revelations from her Facebook include her working at "United Nations". (Yep. Plural!) Granted, there can be a rather diverse community converging upon the McDonald's from time to time, but I don't know that you can qualify that as being the "United Nations". Then again, considering that I'm pretty sure she's never worked there, I guess it doesn't matter what she calls it. She could have put that she worked in Narnia. The end result would be the same!


But my favorite revelation from her Facebook page? Her favorite TV shows are The Jerry Springer Show and Maury! I couldn't have made that up if I tried! So this is a woman who enjoys a program where the audience has been known to break out in raucous chants of "Mid-get Fight! Mid-get Fight!" All rightee, then. It's only going to get better from here. (And don't get me wrong. I have a few guilty pleasure TV shows that I enjoy with the lights off and all of the curtains drawn so as not to draw attention to the disaster that I am watching unfold on purpose. But you don't see me advertising it on Facebook!)

Despite all of this hooplah and pretending to win the lottery, she's managed to find some time to update her status. Sometime on Tuesday she wrote "All my true friend know im not greedy a person i don't want da money it made my life a living hell already im gonna give it all to rebuild haiti yall can chase all want my life and, my children it more important for money." Wow. OK. I guess I appreciate that she chose to throw in a random comma there at the end, so I guess I can't bitch about no punctuation. I'm not even really sure what that means considering that she doesn't have any of the money yet. And all of this "hell" she seems to have brought upon herself. Later, she changed her status to "It nutting to me yall calls the to my house my job why it supposed to be secret now I cannot laid in my bed in im gonna put in for donation we all lost" OK, I don't even know what half of that means. But I will say that if it was "supposed to be secret", perhaps someone should give her a little refresher course on how to keep secrets. (Step One: Do not tell the entire world about it. Step Two: Calling press conferences outside of your home are a no-no.)

Next, she called a press conference outside of her home yesterday. She was late to show up and when she did show up, do you know what she told the throngs of reporters out there? According to the New York Daily News, she told them to go home. That's right. She called a news conference to tell the reporters to go home "...so she and her children can go back to a normal life". You know how I go about having a normal life? Well, I start by not calling news conferences in front of my own home! Then you know what I do? I don't claim that I have a winning lottery ticket when I most likely do not. That's how I go about a normal life.

Yeah, she still hasn't produced the "winning" ticket. I don't know if she's still sticking to her "some of the numbers looked familiar" story or what. And just because no other winner in Maryland has come forward, that doesn't mean anything. No one has come forward in the other two states either. The only real difference here is we have a crazy person in the mix. Oh, and get a load of what her lawyer said about this. He said, "I cannot say with any certainty this ticket exists." OK. Well, he's the lawyer. Shouldn't he ask to see it? According to him, "I have not seen the ticket, nor do I want to see the ticket," Wait. You don't...you don't want to?! You just want to continue to represent a crazy person? OK, then. So, he's nuts too, apparently. Interesting. They seem like a great match. Well, until he finds out that he's been had. But Fox News says that "Maryland State Lottery Director Stephen Martino announced a 2 p.m. press conference on Thursday at which officials said he would discuss the "status of the winning ticket," among other things." Ooh! I'm SO looking forward to the "among other things" that will be discussed. I just love these sorts of things. Makes my day is what it does!

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Vaguely Familiar Numbers

It's time for a crazy lottery story. As you may or may not be aware, the Mega Millions lottery got ridiculously large last week. We're talking second-world country big. It was over six hundred million dollars. And with so many people buying tickets because every one of them expected to win, it was almost inevitable that someone would win. And someone did. Three someones, actually. And one of them appears to be fairly crazy, so that's good.

Our story begins in Maryland. That's where we meet a one Mirlande Wilson. Now, according to the folks over at the New York Post, Ms. Wilson works at McDonald's where, in addition to providing delicious Chicken McNuggets for hungry consumers on the run, she joined a lottery pool with at least fifteen other employees. The deal was that they'd all chip in some money and she would buy the tickets. If a ticket won, they all won. Well, wouldn't you know it? A ticket won! But she says that they didn't all win. No, she says that she won. That's right. Just her.

Ms. Wilson claims that she bought tickets on her own separate from those that she bought with her probably former friends at this point. "I was in the group, but this was separate. The winning ticket was a separate ticket,” the single mother of seven said as she and her fiancé left her home in the squalid Westport neighborhood to attend church." Wow, there's a lot to like in that sentence. First of all, thank you New York Post for describing her neighborhood as "squalid". That paints quite a picture. Next up, does that say seven children? AND she has a fiance?! Did she have the fiance BEFORE she "won" a squintillion dollars? If so, I'd like to know more about him, please. Really. I'd like to know more about the kind of guy who is engaged to a woman who has seven children and lives in a squalid neighborhood. I'd like to know his story AND their story. I'm sure I'd enjoy it.

But back to Ms. Wilson. Of course, her co-workers are not happy with these developments. “She can’ t do this to us!” said Suleiman Osman Husein, a shift manager and one of 15 members in the pool. “We each paid $5. She took everybody’s money!” Strong words coming from folks who make $7.50 an hour and might be getting screwed out of millions of dollars. But wait! Perhaps they all weren't quite so lucky after all! Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn!

Here's where it gets a little wacky. I guess after her big announcement, as she was continually pressed for more information, she lets this out: "I don’t know if I won. Some of the numbers were familiar. I recognized some of [them]...I don’t know why people are saying differently...I’m going to go to the lottery office [today]. I bought some tickets separately.” Wait a minute. What now?

She doesn't know if she won?! Look, I understand that she's a Haitian immigrant (what I don't understand is what exactly that means, but that's a completely different post) and might not fully grasp some American customs. But I'm having a hard time believing that the lottery is one of those customs. She doesn't know if she won? Well, shouldn't she figure that before, oh...I don't know...perhaps telling everyone that she won?! And SOME of the numbers were familiar? Well, I should hope so! After all, they ARE numbers! But I usually reserve comments like that for when I look at calculus problems. "Hey! I recognize some of those numbers!" But it rarely happens in day to day situations, much less when it comes to winning the lottery. I wonder which numbers weren't familiar?

I have no idea if this woman won or not. The whole "Some of the numbers were familiar" bit could just be a highly ineffective way of trying to throw the other possibly rightful winners off of the money trail. But she does seem a little shifty. And doesn't seem like she makes the best of decisions. (Yes, I drew that conclusion from the fact that she has seven children, isn't married and works at McDonald's. Like you didn't?) She said that she's going to the lottery office on Wednesday. Can't wait to hear how that turns out! If I had to guess, I'd go with she didn't win at all and she's just a little nuts. It is going to make for an awkward return to work if that's the case, though. Very awkward.

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Times Are Tough

I have a cold or something. All I know is that I can't stop sneezing and that I'm exhausted. Therefore, my duties today will consist of just trying to make you angry. And it won't be hard and won't require a lot of effort on my part. That's because I'm going with a clip of a one Amanda Clayton. Amanda resides in Michigan. She played the lottery last fall and she won! How fortunate! Congratulations, Amanda! Oh, but wait. Your happiness for her (what little shred there was, if any) is about to flutter away when I tell you that she is still getting AND using food stamps. She won a million freaking dollars! Oh, but get this: She justifies her still using food stamps because (wait for it) she isn't working right now. Oh, no! Poor thing! Did I mention that she used some of her windfall to buy at least one house? Yeah, she has two houses (and she makes that point known), so you know...times are tough! More on this tomorrow, but for now, what say you get yourself good and agitated by watching this. If it doesn't load, please click here.

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We Won

I don't write about my personal life here very much. But I'm going to briefly do so today. And with good reason. I have been a San Francisco 49ers fan my entire life. I love that team so much. The past eight years that we have missed the playoffs because we've sucked have not been fun. I was seriously worried that yesterday's playoff game could potentially end in disaster. And just when I would think that we were ahead enough that we could win, the Saints came roaring back to push our imminent shot at victory aside. But in the end, it was the 49ers who prevailed in spectacular fashion. And in the video below, you can relive that very spectacular fashion. And pay attention to the guy who caught it and how he's just bawling his head off afterwards. Those are some mighty manly tears of relief and happiness. It was just awesome. One of the best things I've ever seen in my life. I still can't believe that we flipping won!

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A Little Diversity, A Lot of Coordination

Somehow, in the last post, whilst doing all the mentioning of Susan Boyle and how she came in second place in "Britain's Got Talent", I neglected to mention who she came in second place to. She finished runner-up to a group called Diversity. They do some dancing. And when I say "some dancing" it's about the same as if I had said the ocean is a little damp. These guys are pretty amazing. Granted, I can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, so I'm easily impressed at just the slightest hint of coordination. And these guys have plenty of it.

The video of their performance during the Finals of "Britain's Got Talent" is below. I know it says that it's like 5 minutes long, but really, the "little dance number" that they do is less than 2 minutes, just so you know. (Maybe you're pressed for time. I don't know! Just trying to be helpful. And also trying to give you at least some reason to take the time to watch it. If I'm going to be watching a YouTube video, I've come to the conclusion that I can easily commit to one minute. Two? Perhaps. Anything longer than two minutes and I'm going to need some convincing. There's a lot of crap out there and I don't need to waste my time watching it.)

Behold! Diversity!

What'd I tell ya? Not bad, eh? Holy smokes!

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Congratulations!

Congratulations, Barry! You not only won, you kicked some ass along the way. Your 349 electoral votes are two and half times more than John McCain's 138 electoral votes. You seemed a bit overwhelmed a couple of times when you were speaking to the crowd in Chicago. That's how I know you're going to do a good job. Or, at the very least, I know you're going to really try to do a good job. Because if you hadn't been in awe of what you'd just accomplished and if you hadn't known what you're in for really, really soon, it wouldn't have phased you. But the fact that you looked like a guy who was thinking, "Holy crap, I did it." well, that's a good thing if you're asking me.

Congratulations again, President Elect Barry. Let's look at some of the pictures from Election Day and that night, shall we?

Well, I know one thing. There's going to be a couple of really cute kids (and their new puppy) running around the White House for the next four years.

Barry and Michelle with his soon-to-be Vice President Joe Biden and his wife, Jill. No one wanted Joe Biden for President, but I guess everyone figures he can't do much damage as Vice President.

"No, Barry. I am not voting for John McCain because you think it would be funny."

The crowd in Chicago before Barry gave his acceptance speech. Yep, that's definitely a change.

For some reason, I thought this photo was really cool. Makes me proud to live in this country, even with all of the soft heads.

I'm surprised they don't have a photo of Barry texting or emailing, as I was receiving texts and emails at least twice a day the past week.

Beer? Hey, I like beer, too! He's just like me!

Your 44th President of the United States

Barack Obama

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$14 Million And A Doodle Disguise

Quiz time! Quick!:

If you won $14 million in the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?

1. Quit your job


2. Buy a new car


3. Go to Disney World


4. Draw a beard on your face with a marker before your press conference

Normally, if you had answered '4', I'd say you were a moron. But in this case, sadly, you wouldn't be a moron. No, you'd just be 51-year old Michael Perez of Queens, NY. (If you answered '3', you must have misunderstood the question to read "What is the second thing you would do after winning the lottery.")

Mr. Perez had taken some of his income-tax refund (I'm guessing that "some" = "more than half") and bought lottery tickets. All six of his numbers hit and he won $14 million bucks, of which he netted just barely over $5 million after taxes. (That's a freaking rip-off if there ever was one.) He was presented with a gigantic fake check at a meaningless prize presentation ceremony. He accepted the enormous fake check right after he drew a beard and moustache on his face with a marker to conceal his identity. Wait. What?

Apparently, Mr. Perez lives in a less-than-safe area of the Bronx. (Translation: It's only yours until someone steals it.) He called it "crime-ridden" and wanted to remain unrecognized so that "thieves couldn't prey on him and his Mom." Just in case the drawn on goatee wasn't enough, Mr. Perez took the added precaution of wearing a hat and sunglasses (which one might have thought would have been enough of a disguise without sporting a Magic Marker beard.)

Mr. Perez said that he wants to take care of all of his debts. Then he added, "But before I do anything serious, I've got to go to Disney World." He also said that he'd like to move his Mom out of the "crime-ridden Bronx", but he doubted that she would go because of all of the family and friends she has in the "crime-ridden Bronx". (He might be surprised. And I really hope he is. Get out of there, woman! Your son just won five mil! Pack it up!)

Well, I guess I'm glad that he didn't consider drawing on a beard to be "serious". I'm a little concerned he thought it was necessary, but glad it wasn't "anything serious".

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