A Whole New Kind of Holiday Fruitcake

What is the last thing that anyone needs in these few weeks before Christmas? What is the last thing that anyone needs during this, the holiest of all seasons? A Michael Jackson sighting in Beverly Hills, that is correct.

This is supposed to be the time of year for celebrating Jesus Christ, not shouting out, "Jesus Christ!" when one encounters.....um.....effing Zorro? WTF? I present to you, your Christmas fruitcake! Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That is, apparently, a one Michael Jackson, aka Jacko, aka Whacko Jacko who was, according to The Daily News, was out on Friday in Beverly Hills doing a little "shopping". "Shopping" is in quotes because he went to a doctor's office as part of his "incognito" excursion. ("Incognito" is in quotes because, well, just look at him!) Here he is leaving his doctor's office with a small lime green bag. It's the kind of bag that is usually distributed to young girls and contains samples of feminine hygiene products. Yep, that's the sort of bag he was walking out of his doctor's office with. Would I be the only one not surprised to learn that Michael Jackson has finally started menstruating? Of course I wouldn't.

After the doctor's office, Zorro Michael had his driver, butler, houseboy, entourage, whatever they are, take him shopping. He went to an antique store and at least one other store which wasn't mentioned in any of the articles that I read, presumably because folks were still in a bit of a daze after gazing at his outfit (which kind of has the sense of a Smurf Bandit. If there was such a thing as a Smurf Bandit, that is.). It doesn't appear that he bought any antiques, however. He was seen walking out of somewhere in the picture below, holding a DVD of the reality television show "The Jacksons Are Coming", made about his brothers and their move to Devon last summer." (They couldn't have given him a case for the DVD? Do you really think he's capable of acting like a grown-up and not scratching it? Of course not.) Huh. Somehow, I was blissfully unaware about his "move to Devon last summer". There is a God.

Then he's seen walking out of somewhere else while sporting a black parasol in one hand and something I can't quite identify in his other hand. It's very pink, I can tell that. Maybe a My Pretty Pony Pop-Up Book? I'm not sure. But then he gets into his vehicle and look what he has in there! Behold!


On the floor, that appears to be a puzzle with a picture of Michelangelo's "The Creation of Adam" in the Sistine Chapel. And on the seat? In that bag? That appears to be something with a photo of several scantily clad babies (if clad at all. They're babies, you know. They're not clad much.). It seems to me like I've seen that photo or a photo similar to it somewhere before, I just can't quite place where that would have been. Maybe Parenting Magazine? The side of a Fisher-Price box? Something at your ob-gyn's office? I'm not sure. (If you happen to know, could you clue me in? Thanks.) Wherever it's from, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I really don't think that Michael Jackson should have it in his possession. He shouldn't have photos of anything or anyone that is not fully clad, preferably in parkas and ski masks. And definitely no photos of anyone under the age of 83. I'm just sayin'! Some basic guidelines could really be beneficial for him, that's all.

No word on where his children were. You remember his children, don't you? There's Prince Michael, Paris and little Dust Ruffle, er, Duvet Cover, um, Pillowcase, I mean, Blanket! Little Blanket! Yeah, they weren't around. And that's probably just as well. Would you want to be around your Dad when he's out in his robin's egg blue jumpsuit that he borrowed from one of The Supremes? Of couse not. Oh, but hey, speaking of little Blanket, here he is now! Behold!

Huh. I see. So, Jacko just borrowed the mask from little Down Comforter Blanket there? Or do you think they have matching masks? Ick. Well, like father, like son, I'm afraid. (I'll tell you this much: If, one day, any of his three offspring are able to string together consecutive sentences that are coherent and are able to detail what it was like growing up with the Human Bedazzler, I'd buy that book in a second. There are a whole lot of different kinds of crazy, but I don't know that the world has ever seen Jacko's kind of crazy before. And I hope we never do again.)

Now, seriously, what is the purpose of that get-up? Because you can think he is as whacked as whacked can be (and I do), but you cannot tell me that he thinks that his little outfit there is either a) normal or b) going to help him not get recognized whilst out on the town for a Christmas time shopping excursion. It's Christmas, for cryin' out loud. It's not like the streets and stores are going to be empty! (Oh, stop it with the 'recession' stuff. Look, if I go to the mall and I can't find a parking space, then there is either NO recession or there IS a recession, but everyone is just doing it all wrong. When I have trouble parking, then you come to me with all of your 'recession' talk.)

He does not look well. As much of a holiday fruitcake that I think that he is, I'd almost feel bad for him. But I don't. You know, because of all of the molesting and what not. If it weren't for that sort of heinous behavior, the guy might have my sympathies. He looks like hell. I mean, here's a question: What's up with his teeth? Or maybe I should say "where are his teeth?" because some of these angles seem to indicate he's missing a chiclet or two.

I still have no idea what "the look" is that he was going for there (assuming it was not intended to be "escaped mental patient"). I could guess. He might have been going for the "Zorro" look. Or, as I suggested earlier, he could have been leaning toward some sort of Smurf Bandit. But I think I'd probably put my money on Secret Squirrel. The resemblance is uncanny.

Consider this your first taste of yuletide fruitcake.

Joy to the world.

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Suit Yourself

Lots of modern technology available to those in law enforcement these days. Lots of it. Did I say lots? I meant lots and lots. And apparently the German police want nothing to do with it. No, they seem to have their own secret weapon in the fight against crime. That's right. Tree suits. Wait. What?

Apparently, over there in Germany in Bochum in North Rhine-Westphalia, there had been a bunch of burglaries in a short period of time. Now, the details on all of this are a little sketchy, just so you know that I'm not leaving anything else. (Please. Me? Leave something out?!), but according to Bild, "A passer-by had earlier discovered bin bags containing laptops, clothes and tools for breaking in. It was immediately clear what it was – a burglar’s lair!" Now, it doesn't tell the reader what the passer-by was passing by, nor does it mention how one who is just 'passing by' discovers all of the 'bin bags' (which I am assuming is fancy European talk for 'trash bags') filled with loot. It also leaves out the most important item, that being that apparently in Germany they still use the term 'lair'. But you now know as much as I do.

The passer by alerted the cops to the lair loot, who then had to come up with a way to nab the bandit. (Bild tries to make this sound just as exciting as it can be, but it's not all that exciting to begin with, so the noble effort falls a little short.) The article says, "Inspector Michael L. (27) was keen to catch the crook red-handed. He said: “I discussed with my colleague how we could camouflage ourselves in the forest. Then we discovered the suit in a mail-order catalogue and bought two for €100 each – out of our own pockets.” "

The suits to which Michael L (shouldn't there be a little disclaimer that says "Not his real name" and then a shadowy silhouette?) refers to are tree suits. Suits that look like trees. Trees that are really suits. Tree suits. Yes, those tree suits. Wait. Huh? Behold! Tree suits! Suits that look like trees!

I don't know if I'd call that a "tree". It kind of looks like vertical pond scum. I guess the German trees are of the rather mossy variety? It's certainly not what I think of when I think of "trees". But hey, what's going on over there in Germany, anyway?! What the heck kind of a catalog do y'all have just lying around with tree suits for sale in it? What else is for sale in that catalog? Flower suits? Suits that look like big bees? Gingerbread men? What kind of a catalog is this?!

Well, we never find out any more about the catalog. Next thing we know, the cops have donned the tree suits and they now look like trees. Then they waited in the forest with the other trees that were not suits. And they waited. And they waited. And they waited. All the while? Correct, wearing the suits of trees. But again, not looking so much like trees as they did just outdoor green stuff (as you can clearly see, or not see, from the photo below. They're in there!).

Finally, after eight tree-like hours, they heard a car approach. According to someone (again, Bild, not all that great with the details there, folks.) “As we jumped up from the ground, we were immediately attacked. But we were able to overwhelm and arrest the man.” OK, well, in defense of the criminal, you guys are kind of lucky to be alive. Personally, if I'm in the forest (regardless as to whether or not I'm going to my lair for my booty of hidden stash) and suddenly some trees start coming at me? There wouldn't be a calm resolution to the situation, I'll tell you that right now! If I found myself in the middle of an episode of "When Arbors Attack", I'm going to grab the nearest ill-begotten bin bag and hope that I had stolen an axe at some point during my crime spree. I can't say I blame the guy for "attacking".

Turns out, the guy was from Romania and only travelled to Germany just to do the burglarizing. (Geez, talk about a commute. Must have been rather profitable. At least, more profitable than pilfering other people's belongings in your own country. This is why we need border enforcement everywhere!) No word on why he chose to hide everything in a German forest rather than take it back to Romania. And really, no word on why they had to wear tree suits in the first place. Couldn't they have just, oh, I don't know....hid in the forest? It seems like they knew just where he was going to show up (albeit eight hours later, but still, I doubt it was coincidence.), so couldn't they have just planted themselves (pun intended) behind a rock or a potted palm or something and waited? Why the suits? Just to be fancy? People don't like a show off.

So what have we learned from this? Not much, which is kind of the problem. When you read a story and then you end up with more questions than you had when you started (and if you're me, that's a heck of a lot of questions), that's not exactly stellar journalism. It's annoying is what it is. Come on, Bild guys! I know you can do better, so I'm willing to give you another shot. The next time that law enforcement personnel are dressing up in suits they get from some mystery catalog (which probably has something to do with porn) in order to nab some forest bandit, try and do a better job of making sure that you've reported on all angles of the thing. Most importantly, what the heck kind of a catalog was that.

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Every Day Is Halloween For Michael Jackson

I know it's October and I am also fully aware that Halloween is at the end, the end of the month, but does the whole weird ordeal have to go on all month? I mean, you have to admit, the whole concept is strange. In a way, it sort of cancels out everything you've (hopefully) been teaching your child about safety their whole life. You spend your time telling them don't talk to strangers, don't stay out after dark, and don't ever, ever take candy from strangers. Then what happens? October 31st rolls around and all of that really good advice? Out the window. Not only does Halloween make it so you talk to strangers, it encourages it! Don't just talk to them! Go directly to their homes and knock on their door! But wait until it's really dark outside to do it! And when they offer you candy? Take it! Take all that they give you and run, run as fast as you can to the next stranger's house and repeat the process until you can't carry that bag full of stranger candy any more! Hurry! The sun is about to come up!

But the whole costume-y thing goes on all month and it just bugs me. We're not out shooting turkeys and making pies (mmmmm...pies) the whole month of November! We're not opening presents throughout the entire month of December! And Easter? Good Lord, no one understand the whole egg and bunny part of that and can't wait for it to be over! But Halloween? Halloween we cherish for every single one of the 31 days in the month. You practically have to pry the costumes off of some people (only to find out, in the most extremely unfortunate situations, that they weren't wearing a costume after all. Imagine.). But those are the people who enjoy the dressing up. They are the costumed. They are the freaks. They are the Michael Jackson family. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That would be Michael Jackson and one of his three (Yes! Three!) children at a comic book store in Los Angeles yesterday. And The Sun was there! According to The Sun, Jackson and his children (Yes! His children!) went to the comic book store under the notion that "to view the adventures of masked superheroes they covered their own faces, only removing their disguises after entering the shop through the back door." Now, from what I understand, whenever they're in public, Jackson like to have all of them keep their faces covered, whether it be a surgical mask or a scarf or in the case of his daughter there, Jason's hockey mask from the Friday the 13th movies. What is the point of this exactly?

I mean, I can understand the not wanting to be seen in public if you're Michael Jackson. You know, what with being an alleged child molester and all. And I can absolutely understand not wanting to have my children have to deal with the ruthless and relentless paparazzi. THAT is something that any child can do without. Most adults could do without it as well. But given that they all aren't wearing a surgical mask and the daughter looks as if she is about to protect the goal at a Canucks game, it can't be for filtering air particles or for protection against air-borne bacteria or anything like that. If it were for those purposes, they would all be wearing a surgical mask. I doubt the hockey mask-like accessory there is very good at filtering.

So if it's not for a health reason, you'd have to assume it's so that they don't get noticed and/or recognized. And while I can understand that motivation, I'm going to have to say that the best way to not get noticed is to do something that isn't noticeable. Walking around with a big mask of any sort on your face is a pretty good way to draw a bit more than the normal amount of attention to yourself when you're out in public, I would think. Mike, you're going to want to work on "blending in" a bit more. And no, I don't mean your skin color.

Apparently during the outing Michael Jackson wore a hoodie jacket and kept his mask and his dark glasses on the entire time. His oldest son, Prince Michael, appeared "to look like a normal kid" once he took off the mask. (Well, no kidding ! Yeah, if you take a mask off of just about anyone, underneath, they're going to look a little bit more like a normal person (that is to say, someone without a mask) than they are with the mask on! Almost every time. Almost.) His daughter, Paris, took off her mask to look at the comics. Good idea. And then his youngest child, Prince Michael II, had his mask off to reveal that he looked remarkably like his dad, only without the sunglasses and the surgical mask. Behold! The one that they call Blanket!

What is with that name? Blanket? I mean, how does one get "Blanket" from "Prince Michael II"? (Actually, how does one get Prince Michael II when the kid's brother is Prince Michael? It's like the Motown version of Larry, Darryl and Darryl.) I don't get it. "This is my son Blanket. Over here is his sister, Dust Ruffle. And over there is his brother, Throw Pillow." So odd.

Apparently, Michael Jackson usually insists that his children (Yes! His children!) wear veils as protection against kidnap threats. Again, small people wearing veils in public? Not going to blend right in. Nope. That just makes them easier to find. As far as the protection part goes...are they magic veils? They're not going to protect you from much, other than insects and the sun. But if that's not the goal then you really need a different plan.

I wonder about his children (Yes! His children!) and whether or not they're going to end up being mentally OK with being the child of Michael Jackson and all that goes along with that or if they're going to end up being just like him. And I really can't choose which one of those I think would be better. Well, however they turn out, I'm glad they got to at least go out! I can't imagine that happens very often. Or maybe it does, but with all the masks and the veils, I just didn't see them, so maybe those are pretty good disguises after all.

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$14 Million And A Doodle Disguise

Quiz time! Quick!:

If you won $14 million in the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?

1. Quit your job


2. Buy a new car


3. Go to Disney World


4. Draw a beard on your face with a marker before your press conference

Normally, if you had answered '4', I'd say you were a moron. But in this case, sadly, you wouldn't be a moron. No, you'd just be 51-year old Michael Perez of Queens, NY. (If you answered '3', you must have misunderstood the question to read "What is the second thing you would do after winning the lottery.")

Mr. Perez had taken some of his income-tax refund (I'm guessing that "some" = "more than half") and bought lottery tickets. All six of his numbers hit and he won $14 million bucks, of which he netted just barely over $5 million after taxes. (That's a freaking rip-off if there ever was one.) He was presented with a gigantic fake check at a meaningless prize presentation ceremony. He accepted the enormous fake check right after he drew a beard and moustache on his face with a marker to conceal his identity. Wait. What?

Apparently, Mr. Perez lives in a less-than-safe area of the Bronx. (Translation: It's only yours until someone steals it.) He called it "crime-ridden" and wanted to remain unrecognized so that "thieves couldn't prey on him and his Mom." Just in case the drawn on goatee wasn't enough, Mr. Perez took the added precaution of wearing a hat and sunglasses (which one might have thought would have been enough of a disguise without sporting a Magic Marker beard.)

Mr. Perez said that he wants to take care of all of his debts. Then he added, "But before I do anything serious, I've got to go to Disney World." He also said that he'd like to move his Mom out of the "crime-ridden Bronx", but he doubted that she would go because of all of the family and friends she has in the "crime-ridden Bronx". (He might be surprised. And I really hope he is. Get out of there, woman! Your son just won five mil! Pack it up!)

Well, I guess I'm glad that he didn't consider drawing on a beard to be "serious". I'm a little concerned he thought it was necessary, but glad it wasn't "anything serious".

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