Sunday, December 14, 2008

A Whole New Kind of Holiday Fruitcake

What is the last thing that anyone needs in these few weeks before Christmas? What is the last thing that anyone needs during this, the holiest of all seasons? A Michael Jackson sighting in Beverly Hills, that is correct.

This is supposed to be the time of year for celebrating Jesus Christ, not shouting out, "Jesus Christ!" when one Zorro? WTF? I present to you, your Christmas fruitcake! Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That is, apparently, a one Michael Jackson, aka Jacko, aka Whacko Jacko who was, according to The Daily News, was out on Friday in Beverly Hills doing a little "shopping". "Shopping" is in quotes because he went to a doctor's office as part of his "incognito" excursion. ("Incognito" is in quotes because, well, just look at him!) Here he is leaving his doctor's office with a small lime green bag. It's the kind of bag that is usually distributed to young girls and contains samples of feminine hygiene products. Yep, that's the sort of bag he was walking out of his doctor's office with. Would I be the only one not surprised to learn that Michael Jackson has finally started menstruating? Of course I wouldn't.

After the doctor's office, Zorro Michael had his driver, butler, houseboy, entourage, whatever they are, take him shopping. He went to an antique store and at least one other store which wasn't mentioned in any of the articles that I read, presumably because folks were still in a bit of a daze after gazing at his outfit (which kind of has the sense of a Smurf Bandit. If there was such a thing as a Smurf Bandit, that is.). It doesn't appear that he bought any antiques, however. He was seen walking out of somewhere in the picture below, holding a DVD of the reality television show "The Jacksons Are Coming", made about his brothers and their move to Devon last summer." (They couldn't have given him a case for the DVD? Do you really think he's capable of acting like a grown-up and not scratching it? Of course not.) Huh. Somehow, I was blissfully unaware about his "move to Devon last summer". There is a God.

Then he's seen walking out of somewhere else while sporting a black parasol in one hand and something I can't quite identify in his other hand. It's very pink, I can tell that. Maybe a My Pretty Pony Pop-Up Book? I'm not sure. But then he gets into his vehicle and look what he has in there! Behold!

On the floor, that appears to be a puzzle with a picture of Michelangelo's "The Creation of Adam" in the Sistine Chapel. And on the seat? In that bag? That appears to be something with a photo of several scantily clad babies (if clad at all. They're babies, you know. They're not clad much.). It seems to me like I've seen that photo or a photo similar to it somewhere before, I just can't quite place where that would have been. Maybe Parenting Magazine? The side of a Fisher-Price box? Something at your ob-gyn's office? I'm not sure. (If you happen to know, could you clue me in? Thanks.) Wherever it's from, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I really don't think that Michael Jackson should have it in his possession. He shouldn't have photos of anything or anyone that is not fully clad, preferably in parkas and ski masks. And definitely no photos of anyone under the age of 83. I'm just sayin'! Some basic guidelines could really be beneficial for him, that's all.

No word on where his children were. You remember his children, don't you? There's Prince Michael, Paris and little Dust Ruffle, er, Duvet Cover, um, Pillowcase, I mean, Blanket! Little Blanket! Yeah, they weren't around. And that's probably just as well. Would you want to be around your Dad when he's out in his robin's egg blue jumpsuit that he borrowed from one of The Supremes? Of couse not. Oh, but hey, speaking of little Blanket, here he is now! Behold!

Huh. I see. So, Jacko just borrowed the mask from little Down Comforter Blanket there? Or do you think they have matching masks? Ick. Well, like father, like son, I'm afraid. (I'll tell you this much: If, one day, any of his three offspring are able to string together consecutive sentences that are coherent and are able to detail what it was like growing up with the Human Bedazzler, I'd buy that book in a second. There are a whole lot of different kinds of crazy, but I don't know that the world has ever seen Jacko's kind of crazy before. And I hope we never do again.)

Now, seriously, what is the purpose of that get-up? Because you can think he is as whacked as whacked can be (and I do), but you cannot tell me that he thinks that his little outfit there is either a) normal or b) going to help him not get recognized whilst out on the town for a Christmas time shopping excursion. It's Christmas, for cryin' out loud. It's not like the streets and stores are going to be empty! (Oh, stop it with the 'recession' stuff. Look, if I go to the mall and I can't find a parking space, then there is either NO recession or there IS a recession, but everyone is just doing it all wrong. When I have trouble parking, then you come to me with all of your 'recession' talk.)

He does not look well. As much of a holiday fruitcake that I think that he is, I'd almost feel bad for him. But I don't. You know, because of all of the molesting and what not. If it weren't for that sort of heinous behavior, the guy might have my sympathies. He looks like hell. I mean, here's a question: What's up with his teeth? Or maybe I should say "where are his teeth?" because some of these angles seem to indicate he's missing a chiclet or two.

I still have no idea what "the look" is that he was going for there (assuming it was not intended to be "escaped mental patient"). I could guess. He might have been going for the "Zorro" look. Or, as I suggested earlier, he could have been leaning toward some sort of Smurf Bandit. But I think I'd probably put my money on Secret Squirrel. The resemblance is uncanny.

Consider this your first taste of yuletide fruitcake.

Joy to the world.

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