Thursday, December 4, 2008

The War With Christmas

Well, so much for the War Against Christmas. Apparently for some, it has been replaced by the War With Christmas. Tree, that is. Christmas tree. Wait. What?

Don't reel back in shock when I tell you that this took place in Flori-duh. According to the masters of the obvious (and yet still unclear on the concept) over there at the Herald Tribune in Sarasota, Florida, one 37-year-old (and clearly old enough to know better) Thomas Edward Lackie "was arrested on a felony assault charge after he used a Christmas tree as a weapon in an attempted attack on his father." OK, look, you either attack or you don't. If you attack and you miss your target, you have still attacked! That hasn't changed. Your success rate as an attacker has gone done, but you have still attacked. You just missed.

But you know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. So "...he then tried to use the steel base from the tree to strike his father." Ah, persistence. The sign of determination. He's going to make it in this world. I can tell!


His parents, apparently not impressed with the Festivus-like display of his feats of strength, were able to "....grab Lackie’s arms to prevent the attack". Again, the attack is already happening. The only thing you're going to prevent at this point is injury from said attack. The police report also stated that the attack " ....could have caused serious injuries because the metal base weighs about five pounds." Um, the attack could have caused serious injuries because, by definition, that is the purpose of an attack! The attack also could have caused serious injuries because a piece of metal, when flailed about wildly in a controlled or uncontrolled manner, will do damage to objects less sturdy than the metal itself. Flesh, for instance, is one substance that is significantly weaker than metal. It does not hold up well to attack with said metal.

Of course, the alleged would-be Yuletide assailant denied trying to strike his father. And of course, an incident like this would not be complete without the inclusion of one of the phrases that accompanies such hilarity: "No reason for the attack was given."

Once again, allow me to offer my assistance to those in the "no reason" camp. There is a reason. It can be any number of words which are a variation on the theme of "he's nuts". Because what would a reason be? Isn't a "reason" the rationale for why you're doing something? I don't know that a "reason" other than "he's nuts" is necessary. That seems like reason enough. Need more? OK, how about "he's a 37 year old loser who lives in Flori-duh with his parents and is unwilling to control his own anger to the point that he will assault his parents with whatever he has handy when he is enraged and then deny everything afterwards." How's that? That's a reason! No, that's the reason.

How many more days of this do we have? Twenty two?!?! Are you sure? Woo-hooooo! This is going to be great fun! Stay tuned, won't ye?

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