Saturday, December 13, 2008

Oh, My God! They Stole Jesus!

It's Christmas time. And at Christmas time, Jesus is supposed to be a "big deal". (Jesus is supposed to be a "big deal" at all times, really. But this time of year for Jesus is like February 2nd is for groundhogs. Everyone can't wait for him (Translation: Christmas) to get here and if he sees his shadow then we have six more weeks of winter. (Translation: Soooo many people are going to hell. It's this way! Follow me!) But Jesus or, more accurately, Baby Jesus is really popular with some folks at this time of year. That's right. The thieves! Wait. What?

Correct. People are (wait for the!) stealing Baby Jesus! Oh, the humanity! Why would anyone want to steal Baby Jesus? Your guess is as good as mine, but they do. Steal Him, that is. With Christmas time also comes nativity scenes popping up like holy weeds all over towns across America. It used to be you could go home at night knowing that Baby Jesus would be asleep in the manger (because there was no room at the inn) when you showed up the next morning, but not any more! Now you might show up in the morning to an empty manger and a bewildered Joseph and Mary (not to mention the wrath of God someone will be incurring shortly) because someone has stolen the Son of God!

In order to combat the thieving of the Savior, churches across the land are turning to a higher power to help them combat the evil doers. Those evil, stealing doers! They're mounting GPS devices inside figures. You know, sort of like those microchips for pets, only this is a tracking device for Jesus Christ. Ah, just like in biblical times at the real birth of Christ!

According to the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review "Baby Jesus was taken from the First United Methodist Church in Kittanning two weeks ago. The new Baby Jesus will be chained to the Nativity set." They're chaining up Baby Jesus?! That's like some weird biblical slave scenario! Did they chain up Joseph and Mary and the Three Wise Men, you ask? No, they didn't. Whew!

They just bolted them to the floor. (Sounds like some sort of Abu Ghraib Nativity scene.)

When they took the Baby Jesus, He was replaced with a pumpkin. This should give you some idea as to the approximate IQ of the thieves. Baby Jesus looks nothing like a pumpkin. Not even on Halloween. Look, here's a comparison. Please note that they look nothing alike!

BrickHouse Security, which is based in New York, offered free GPS units and security cameras to guard their manger scenes and menorahs. BrickHouse Security CEO, a one Todd Morris explained, "It's sad that we have to do this, but what are the police supposed to do when someone calls and says, 'Someone stole my Baby Jesus?' " He has a point there. That is sad.

Please note how it says that BrickHouse Security is offering their product for the guarding of the Baby Jesus and of menorahs. That would seem to indicate that the Savior thefts are not targeted at a specific religion. But that shouldn't stop some members of the Anti-Defamation League from making a statement that if a menorah is stolen, then it is targeting a specific religion. That's what I got out of a statement made by a one Deborah Lauter who is the national civil rights director for the Anti-Defamation League, when she said, "As members of a minority religion, Jews are probably hit harder when their religious symbols are vandalized. "If Baby Jesus is removed, it tends to be seen as a prank. Vandalism or theft of a menorah is just more sensitive. You feel like you're really being targeted for your religion." Good Lord (no pun intended), woman. Fine. FINE! If it makes you feel better, yours is worse. Considerably worse. It's quite possibly the worst I've ever heard of. Happy now? Miserable? Whichever. (I really couldn't care any less, but it's Christmas time! I figured I'd try to appease her.)

And it's not just this one incident of the disappearing Jesus. It's all over the place. According to the AP, over there in North Richland Hills, Texas, the Herrera family put up surveillance cameras after their seesaw was stolen and were "...surprised when footage showed a teenage girl stealing a baby Jesus worth almost $500. " Five hundred dollars? Jesus, that's expensive! (Oh, like you didn't see that one coming.) "They took the family Jesus," said Gloria Herrera, 48, a Catholic (as if what religion she is makes a difference). "How can anybody do that?" Jesus stealers! That's just what they are, Gloria. It's just what they are.

But I've learned that just because someone makes off with your family Jesus, it's not necessarily just because the stealing sinners are being mean. They could just have needed a holy travel companion and have every intention of returning Christ when they return from their travels, just like during the Christmas of 2005 when John and Joan Leising's Jesus was kidnapped and treated to quite a whirlwind of sightseeing for the next eight months. Wait. What?

It's just like it says. One day, they have Jesus. The next day, Jesus is gone. The day after that, Jesus is still gone. The day after that, Jesus is still gone. Repeat that scenario for the next eight months and then go back to them having Jesus again. That's because he just reappeared on their doorstep one day, along with a small book entitled The Baby Jesus Chronicles and a note which read, "We have done the best possible job to keep baby Jesus safe in our loving arms. We meant for this adventure to be in no way blasphemous or disrespectful."

According to Joan, "There's pictures of him wearing a seat belt, there's pictures of him in the shower, they kept him clean, pictures of him camping there's a drink so he's well hydrated. They didn't go anywhere expensive and spend a lot of money on Jesus, but they showed him a really good time." See? The Christmas spirit! Always at work! Even in August. Behold! Baby Jesus touring upstate New York!

Joy to the world.

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