Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I Think You Are, Senator

For cryin' out loud, I thought we had heard the last from Larry Craig months ago. Months, I tell you! Over a year! But he's back. Hopefully, this time, for the last time. Some people...I swear....do they just not get it or are they just profoundly retarded? (No offense to the retarded, by the way.) Let's review (hopefully, for the last time):

Larry Craig is currently, but not for much longer, the Senator from Idaho who was arrested by an undercover cop on freaking June 11, 2007 in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport for "allegedly" "cruising" for gay sex. (Allegedly is in quotes because he already pled guilty to the misdemeanor charge, so it's hard to say it's still "alleged", but since he's appealing and throwing quite the tantrum, I figured I'd go with the quotes. You know, for kick. And cruising is in quotes because I'm not sure it's an accurate term to use for someone who is trying to get some stranger to do it with him in a public airport bathroom stall. Seems like there isn't a whole lot of actual "cruising" going on, but that's what they're calling it, so whatever.)

Now, this guy is a Senator and was a Senator at the time of his looking for some other strange ranger to have a little personal stall time together. (Ew! More on that later. Stay tuned, won't ye?) He get arrested and is charged with a misdemeanor, to which he pleads guilty AND pays the fine. Then when it comes out in the media, then suddenly, he says he's not guilty and only pled guilty just to make it go away. Yeah, OK. Sure. And I'm the Queen for all of England!

If you're still wondering how one goes about "cruising" without ever leaving the comfort of their own personal bathroom stall, it apparently involves a series of foot-tapping, hand movements and, according to the article from the fine folks over there at the Associated Press, "other conduct". I've never understood why they have to be vague about some of this. What the heck is "other conduct"? Right now the guy is foot-tapping and making some sort of hand gestures, which makes it sound sort of like a low-budget, men's restroom version of Stomp.

But putting all Broadway musical themed pick-up techniques aside, no one can tell me that this guy, a US Senator, was really not guilty and just pled guilty to "make it go away". No way. No how. No where. If this guy was just a regular dude and not a Senator and he was really innocent, I guarantee you that he would not just plead guilty. And as a Senator, there is no way that the guy is not going to raise bloody hell and make a huge issue out of it. He's a Senator, for cryin' out loud! They make big issues out of the stupidest little things! I find it hard to believe that any innocent Senator in that position (no pun intended) would just plead guilty.

Just remember, we're talking about anonymous, gay, male sex taking place in a public restroom. You show me ONE straight male that is willing to say that he is gay just to "make it go away". There aren't any. They don't exist. And while I'm sort of on the subject, why on earth would you want to "make it go away" by admitting that you have sex in a public restroom?! A public restroom has got to be the least attractive, least sanitary, least enjoyable and least desired place that I would ever want to have sex with anyone in! I don't want to use public restrooms for the purpose that they're there for (which is not anonymous sex, just so we're clear)! They're filthy and disgusting most of the time. Oh, but what a great place to have sex?! Ew, ew, and EWWWWW! But I digress.

The point here is that after pleading guilty back in August of 2007, "Craig had initially said that he would resign from the Senate, but he changed his mind about that, too, and vowed to fight to clear his name." As I'm sure you can guess, that hasn't gone so well. "A three-judge panel of the Minnesota Court of Appeals on Tuesday rejected the Republican's bid to toss out his disorderly conduct conviction." Yes, shocking, I know. It's really hard to convince a judge or a bunch of judges that you're really not guilty after you've already said that you were guilty. Really hard. So it's something to remember! If you didn't do it, don't say that you did. A novel concept, I do realize.

I don't quite understand the need of these politicians to waste everyone's time with their pointless blathering on about how they were so wronged when, of course, they were not! And it's not just the politicians that do that, but they're the ones that annoy me the most when they do it. I just don't get how someone can totally know they're lying (and he is. Sen. Craig is lying when he says he's not guilty. He is lying.) and continue to lie. And lie. And lie. In public. LIke when he says, "I am extremely disappointed by the action of the Minnesota Court of Appeals. (Well, of course you are, you jackass. No one is happy when their appeal is denied.) I disagree with their conclusion and remain steadfast in my belief that nothing criminal or improper occurred at the Minneapolis airport." Notice how it's his "belief" that nothing criminal occurred. Shouldn't that be your "assertion" that nothing criminal occurred? I can believe (and occasionally do) that I AM the Queen of all of England. That doesn't mean that I'm "assuring" you that I'm the Queen, I'm just telling you that I "believe" that I am. See how that works? Yeah, so do WE!

I think my favorite part of his trying to "clear his name" is when he gave a press conference and said, "Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been gay." Dude, I'm not Hispanic and I never have been Hispanic. But that doesn't mean I don't like a hot and spicy burrito once in a while. I'm just saying.
But, sure, Sen. Craig. Whatever you say. You rode your magical unicorn into that restroom (pun intended) and were just tapping out a little melody with your foot there in the stall and then decided to add a few hand gestures to the mix (you know, because you're fancy) and life just couldn't be better. That is, right up until you're being arrested for something you cannot even begin to fathom and the next thing you know, you're saying "Yes, I cruise for anonymous gay sex in public airport restrooms. Where do I pay the fine?" You expect the public to believe that line of crap, Sen. Craig? I'll be the first to admit that the average American, unfortunately, is dumber than a box of hair. But I'd hate to think that the average American is so dumb that they would listen to the lies that you spew out.

Stop wasting everyone's time trying to "clear your name". If you did it, which you did, there's nothing to clear! So, please, please leave the American public alone. Please leave the Minnesota Court of Appeals alone. Please just take your lies and your unicorn and your leprechaun and your snipe and go far, far away. And take Dick Cheney with you while you're at it. It's creeping me out how much you guys look like each other.

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