Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Coffee Isn't Coffee, But Dumb Is Still Dumb


Here's what we have: We have a large family in a rural area of this country. Five kids, all of different ages and all with "different' names. (I used to work with a woman who once told me that there are two ways to spell a person's name. There's the regular way and there's the welfare way. And so far, she's right (and she told me this at least 15 years ago, so that's a pretty strong basis right there). But back to my scenario. OK, family, rural, lots of kids that are named after buildings or seasons or trees or something else that you normally don't name your kid after. Now, to that mix we're going to add a knocked up teenage daughter and her high school dropout boyfriend (I refuse to use the term "baby daddy". Good Lord, people.). Oh, also a finger tattoo here and there. And, as if that wasn't enough, we're going to throw in the boyfriend's drug dealing mother who gets busted by the Feds. Sounds like a great episode of 'COPS' or something, doesn't it? Actually, it would probably make a great episode of 'COPS'. If only it wasn't the First Family of Alaska we were talking about here.

Enter the Alaska Governor Sarah Palin family! You remember Caribou Barbie, don't you? Vice-Presidential running mate of Grandpa Old Man John McCain? Hottest governor, coldest state? Her husband, Todd, the First Dude. Their children: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig (named for their favorite math subject? I don't know.) Oh, those are just the first names! Apparently, it's Track Enfield, Trig Paxson Van (as in Van Palin. You know, because they're Van Halen fans. I swear.) and Piper Indy. No word on Bristol's or Willow's middle names, so nice job keeping those under wraps in today's media, ladies!

Now normally I'm not one for thrusting the children of a public figure into the spotlight, but when they're adult children they're kinda fair game. So, I might rip a little bit, but since that's not my main point, it won't be extensive ripping (for once). It's ol' Bristol (who turned 18 a couple of months ago and is now fair fodder for the blog) who allowed herself to get a little over romanced and subsequently pregnant by her boyfriend, self-proclaimed "effing redneck" Levi Johnston. Johnston summed himself up on his MySpace page (before the entire world would want to read it and he would realize that he needs to take it down) by stating, "I'm a f**kin' redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes. But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some sh*t and just f**kin' chillin' I guess. Ya f**k with me I'll kick ass." This potential 'COPS' episode keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?

(Side note: Apparently Bristol gave birth at 5:30am on Dec. 29 in Palmer, Alaska which, surprisingly, is not going to be the child's name. The baby boy was 7 lb. 4 oz. and was named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Yeah, they're in for a trip alright. Congrats, Bristol and Levi. Good luck.)

Where was I? Oh, right, the scenario. OK, enter the mother of Levi Johnston, a one Sherry Johnston. Sherry is the one that just brought all of the pieces of this puzzle together to form one incredibly large redneck tale of dim bulbs and half wits. Sherry (who will be Sarah Palin's in-law one day) was allegedly supplementing whatever income she had (if any) by dealing drugs. Oxycontin to be exact. Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

Your son's girlfriend's mother (why is this starting to sound like the scene in Ferris Bueller's Day Off when Ferris is sick and it's explained that "Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.") is running for Vice-President of the United States against a guy named Barack Obama and you decide that it would still be a good idea to continue to deal drugs out of your home. In Alaska. In small town Alaska! While the press is hovering outside your front door 24/7! Oh, sure. No problem there. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, IF Ms. Johnston had asked herself that very same question, she might have realized that plenty could go wrong. For instance, after a package containing several OxyContin pills was intercepted going to her house and having been mailed from....the...OxyContin....mall? (I don't know where this stuff comes from! Do I look like Amy Winehouse? The extent of my drug origination knowledge is that you grow pot because it's a plant, meth gets made in a bathtub and that's all I've got! I don't know where it comes from to start with.) Yeah, that's bad enough. But then when other people that are involved in your dastardly deeds end up getting busted, that's when you really have to worry because they will be offered a deal.

The "deal" that those who were busted during the package intercept procedure will be a lot different than the "deal" that Sherry Johnston was doing. Their "deal" involved them becoming informants in exchange for something else (usually lesser charges or just having the charges dropped altogether). There is no loyalty in Drug Land. None. If someone gets busted and they're asked to roll on someone else in exchange for keeping their own ass out of jail, they're on it! They will sing like a canary until someone tells them to shut up. And they often do. They did in this case.

So right in the middle of Palin-palooza, this Johnston woman initially had the right idea, though she had the wrong way of getting that message to the recipient. She decided it would be a good idea to text the following to one of her customers:“Hey, my phones are tapped and reporters and god knows who else is always following me and the family so no privacy. I will let u no when I can go for cof.” "Cof" is supposed to be short for "coffee" which is supposed to be code for "OxyContin". CoffeeContin. The thing with people who do drugs is this: They think they're being all smart, but they're really just on drugs! They're not smart at all! You can say "coffee" all you want, but if you mean "OxyContin", it's not going to matter that you said "coffee", you're still going to be in trouble! But drug people think that if they talk in their code that no one can crack that they'll just fly under everyone's radar. Little do they realize (and because why? Because they're high as can be, that is correct.) that they're so not flying under the radar. They don't realize that they've flown directly into the radar and that everyone else is watching everything they do. Brilliant they are. Brilliant.

Oh, but that wasn't her only text message that was intercepted by the do-gooders of law enforcement. She sent this one as well: “… there’s only so many times I can go for coffee a month. The rest of the time I need to have it at home!” Again, "coffee" = "OxyContin". And, again, "Sherry Johnston" = "not the brightest bulb on the tree". She knows that she's being watched and on top of that, she knows that her son's girlfriend's mother is running for Vice-Freaking-President and that there are people everywhere, giving her virtually NO privacy at all even if she wasn't dealing drugs! So she knows all of this and yet she decides it would be a good idea to continue on with business as usual. Sure! What could possibly go wrong? (Oh, wait. I already asked that didn't I? Was that before or after I mentioned that she was arrested? Before? I haven't got to that part yet? Oh, well, read on!)

She ended up selling OxyContin on three occasions that the informants participated in by wearing wires when they went to meet her. She received $800 for ten OxyContin pills. (TEN?!?! $800 for TEN?? My GOD, I have got to get some of that stuff! Holy cow, it must be phenomenal!) Oh, and they videotaped her making the transaction on one occasion as well. Can you say "She's effed"? Makes it hard to get out of things when you're on audio tape doing it and on video tape doing it. Seriously, what are you going to do? Pretend like you're eight and say, "Nuh-uh!! That's not me! Liar!" Yeah, that won't work so well when you're not eight. Hell, that won't work so well when you are eight.

She was arrested and charged with 5 or 6 felony counts of sale or possession of a controlled substance. Somehow, her bail was only $5,000 and she bailed out rather quickly and will return to court on Jan. 6. That's not a very high bail for 5 or 6 felony counts. What the heck is going on up there in Alaska anyway? Oh, that's right. Nothing. Never mind. Carry on.

Yep, if all of this wasn't Sarah Palin's family, you'd swear that this little tale took place down there in Flori-duh, wouldn't you? I would. Perhaps the Johnston family might want to consider relocating to be closer to the other members of their tribe.

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