Saturday, December 20, 2008

AND He's Crazy!

I love me a good scandal. Ooh! And a political scandal? The best. Simply the best. When one of those politician scumbags finally gets busted for finally being busted for the lying, cheating, scheming weasel that he or she is, it just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. That's because with a majority of scandals, you're always going to have some degree of tawdriness. And as much as I love me a good scandal, I sure do love me a good scandal with a hearty helping of tawdry on the side. But if they're all out of tawdry, I'll be perfectly happy with some hilarity, ill-advised fashion choices or just good old fashioned crazy. Now that's a scandal with something for everyone! And these days, you can get yourself a big ol' helping of scandal over there in Illinois, compliments of Governor Rod Blagojevich.

Blagojevich (pronounced BlogOY-a-vich. If you need to remember that in the future, pretty much everything except for the 'B' is silent.) was arrested at his home on Dec. 9 and charged federally with more than one count of corruption, accepting/receiving bribes, conspiracy, you know...your basic Tony Soprano lineup of crimes. Now, I had never heard of this tool before December 9, but when I first caught a glimpse of him, I knew it was going to be good! First things first, dude...what is with the hair?! You look like a Fisher-Price toy. Either that or one of those Lego men. Do you think we ("we" as in "everyone except for you") can't tell that's a piece? That it's a rug? That you're hoping to be the next President of the Hair Club for Men? It's horrible. It does, however, have a sort of mobster look to it, which is what he was going for, apparently.

Whew! Glad I got that out! It's been bugging me for days! So, he's the sitting Governor of Illinois and he's arrested on charges that are really unbecoming of a politician. Naturally, there's immediate talk for him to step down, to resign, to get the hell out of Dodge. But does he? Oh, no! No, he stays! Not only does he STAY, he goes to WORK, as the freaking Governor after he was booked and released on bond. Oh, how I wish I could have been there to get the reactions from his staff when he strolled into the office! (I wonder if any of them had the guts to ask him, 'Um, sir? What in the hell are you doing here?' I'm guessing they didn't, and not because they were wimpy, but because no one wanted to be seen talking with him or associated with him. Can't say that I blame them. I wouldn't want to be associated with him just for that hair alone! The corruption would be secondary to that hair.)

Now, admit'd be disappointed if this story didn't have an equally allegedly crooked, possibly crazy wife to provide us all with some amusement fodder, wouldn't you? Of course you would. Deeply disappointed. But you can turn that frown upside down because there is a wacky wife! Patti Blagojevich, who is heard (on FBI wiretaps of the Gov's conversations) using the F-word as if it is a preposition. F-this. F-that. And moreso, F-them! Those effers! F-it! She sent out a little memo/note to all of their neighbors in an attempt to apologize for the "barrage" of media coverage. (Barrage? I love me a good barrage now and again!) I'll translate along the way.

Dear Neighbor (I have no idea what your name is): My husband and I would like to apologize to you (kiss your ass) and your family for the media barrage (pesky reporters) that descended on our neighborhood (staked us out day and night because my husband is a lying, cheating weasel. Allegedly.). While we signed up for this kind of attention by choosing a life in public service (We're attention whores), you didn't. All you did was choose to live in our wonderful neighborhood (Made more wonderful my our presence.).

We are very sorry (We really don't give a fat rat's ass) for any inconvenience this has caused you. We hope it will soon subside (He's guilty as sin, but false hope gets us through our delusional day), not only for the sake of our children (do you think I want to be taking care of them by myself while he's up the river? Hell, no!) but also for you and your family (whoever they are.). We wish you and your family a wonderful holiday season (Burn in hell if you tell the press about the time you saw me wearing Blago's toupee) and a healthy and happy NEW YEAR (don't get too drunk, you lush). Sincerely, Patti Blagojevich.

She sounds like a peach, doesn't she? But back to the Governor. He's been about as defiant and defiant can be since this whole thing broke loose. During his attempt to go for a jog the other day, he told the throng of reporters (who were stuck on Blago-watch detail) that he was "dying" to tell his side of the story! Excellent! I love it when people are "dying" to tell their side of the story! That means they either a) won't, or b) will! The thing is, if those who are doing all of the "dying" to talk actually end up talking, they always seem to be telling you what appear to be obvious lies, yet they're acting like you're so stupid that you're going to believe their incredulous tale of how incredibly unlucky they are to be in the predicament that they're in. Those sorts of people can also be prone to just spouting things out of their mouth that...well...seem a bit "odd" at the time. And afterwards. According to the Chicago Daily Herald, as he stood on his front steps to his home, he told the reporters, "Hang loose, to quote Elvis. Hang loose." Hang loose?? WTF?

OK, so now the hair makes a little more sense. He's channeling his inner Elvis and he's doing it through his scalp! Well, hey, Blago, allow me to throw out a quote. To quote Bugs Bunny, "What a maroon."

But today was the day I was waiting for the the crooked Governor did not disappoint! Today was his press conference that he was just "dying" to have. What a freak. I watched it numerous times just so I could see if my initial impression would stay with me after more than one viewing. And, for the most part, it did. Does he think he's JFK? I think he does. But you judge. I'm all judged out for a moment or two.

So does the guy look like a hyperactive 8-year old or what? Did he have to pee while he was giving that speech? Seriously, I'm wondering if the guy's doing drugs. I don't know what kind, but speed, definitely. Coke, perhaps. It tends to give one an overly inflated sense of themselves and he definitely has that. He simply could not stand still! He looked like he was wearing someone else's pants and had them on backwards at that! All of the shifting and leaning back and forth as if he had an atomic wedgie going on. And he said absolutely nothing! (Another indicator of perhaps some cocaine use, as those on coke tend to blather on and on about absolutely nothing, yet they are convinced that they're just achieved world peace.)

But it's when they start quoting poets that you know that they have lost it. Kipling? (Why is it that whenever I read the name "Kipling", I think of some greeting card with a guy and a girl sitting beneath a tree and the guy asks her, "Do you like Kipling?" and the girl responds, "I don't know. I've never Kippled." I don't even find it particularly funny, but it always pops into my head when I read the name "Kipling". I don't know why. Odd. Somewhat annoying. But I digress.)

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself, when all men doubt you and make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting; Or being lied about, don't deal in lies; Or being hated, don't give way to hate.'

It doesn't even rhyme! I thought poems were supposed to rhyme! Where is Dr. Seuss when we need him? (If you're really wondering where Dr. Seuss is, well, Seuss is dead. Dead I said. Down in the ground with dirt on his head.) Aside from the incredible gall that it took for him to read that, I loved it when he said, "I'll tell you what I'm not going to do." Then there was a pause as he sifted through his note cards to figure out what he was not going to do! (Dammit, I know it's in here somewhere! Not going to do, not going to do....something....something!) And then the, "I intend to answer every allegation that...." Yeessssss? "That......." We're waiting! ".....comes my way." Ah! OK, I'm with you now. Did you forget that part, Governor? It's the same at the end when he's giving thanks to everyone who has supported him (he's talking to no one). "Patti and I cannot express......" and then it's like he changed his mind or another personality took over or what, but after about 2-3 seconds of saying nothing he finishes with, " you."

He sort of has a kind of Mike Brady air about him when he's giving his Holier-Than-Thou oration there. Well, Mike Brady if Mike Brady had an evil twin that was just a dickhead. (And if it was the Mike Brady before he started perming his hair. So, not the really gay looking Mr. Brady, just the closeted looking Mr. Brady.) "But I have on my side the most powerful ally there is, and it's the truth." He was just so smug when he said that. And it was really quite Mike Brady-esque. I halfway expected him to follow it up with, "Now, you boys go get those leaves out of the backyard. I'm going to go shopping with your mother."

He is about the most narcissistic individual that I've seen in public in a long time. My God, he's full of himself. So what else have we learned from all of this? Well, if you watched the video up there, you know that the best part is that he might be crazy as well as a jerk! But as far as I can tell, there won't be any sex! I know! Sad, but true, I think the tawdriness is missing from this politician scandal. Weird, eh? The guy might be crazy, could be on drugs, is clearly the most crooked politician the public has been made aware of in a long time, and yet despite all of those "shortcomings", he seems to be loyal to his wife, the Carmella Soprano wannabe over there.

Go figure.

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