Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Stop Using Food As A Weapon

Quite frankly, I'm embarrassed to be the one to tell you this, but it has finally happened. That's right. IT. And it didn't take all that long, either. Yep, just a few short months for the Florida food as a weapon of choice trifecta to be completed. Wait. What?

People who live in the Southern states are referred to as "Southerners" or they are referred to by the state that they are living in. So people from Alabama are "Alabamans". People from Mississippi are "Mississippians". Thus, people from Florida are what? Morons, that is correct.

Meet Matthew Rubin, the final piece of the Florida Food Trifecta. According to 10Connects.com in Tampa Bay, Mr. Rubin was arrested after he "threw the sandwich at his girlfriend's face during an argument. Rubin then hit the top of her head with his fist before taking off". So first he mistakes her face for a waste receptacle in which to forcibly discard his sandwich and then he mistakes her head for one of those Whack-A-Mole moles and gives her a hearty thump on top of the ol' melon. Nice catch there, sweetie. Your parents must be so proud. And hopeful for your future, too! ::::sigh::::

The police report also states that "Rubin admitted to throwing the food, but not hitting her. He was arrested Friday and faces a battery charge." Right. Because hitting her would be wrong. Luncheon meat hurling? (Which I hear will be an Olympic event in 2012.) Perfectly acceptable.

But here's where things start to get weird. Or they finish getting weird. Hard to say which one, but its probably both. Mr. Rubin is the third, yes third, the third person in Florida in just over a month to be arrested for throwing a sandwich at his girlfriend. So, by definition of the word "third", that means that two other individuals, presumably from a gene pool that closely resembles that of Mr. Rubin, threw their sandwich at their girlfriend AND were arrested for it.

10Connects.com had also reported the story of a one Vincent Gonzalez, a 22-year old who is unwilling to control his temper and who has an apparent dislike for cheeseburgers as a food item, but holds a fondness for them as weaponry. According to the police report, Mr. Gonzalez and his girlfriend (who is just as proud as can be to be his woman, I'm sure!) "....got into an argument as they sat in a car in front of their home." I do wonder what they were arguing about, as those with walnut sized brains could be capable of arguing about just about anything and I really want to know how stupid it was.

And while we don't learn what the initial argument was about, we get an idea of where it went as we learn that "Gonzalez would not let her out of the vehicle so the woman threw his drink out of the car. In response, Gonzalez allegedly grabbed her arm and smashed the cheeseburger into her face." I see. That seems like just a tad bit of overreacting there, sir. And ma'am, don't do things like that. I'm not saying you asked for it and I'm certainly not saying you deserved it. But one of the two of you is going to have to pretend like they're the grown-up in your relationship and throwing his drink out the window (when he was no doubt quite parched. After all, it is Flori-duh, it's very humid down there.) is not the way to do that.

But that's not all! Before either Matthew or Vincent decided to become sandwich throwers, there was 19 year old Emmanuelle Rodriguez who "...was riding with his girlfriend...when he became angry as she drove and hit her in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off." And strangely enough (and as you just read) the weapon of choice was the beloved sandwich. What is up with that? You might be mad as hell, but it's still food! There's no need to waste!

And as if that wasn't enough, "The victim nearly lost control of the car because she couldn't see the road and Rodriguez then allegedly ripped off the rear-view mirror and used it to shatter the windshield." After that, she managed to exit the Interstate and "...told him to get out, leaving him for his mother to pick him up." Nice. The police report also said that "Rodriguez admitted to police that they were arguing and he didn't want to hit her, so he threw a sandwich in her face instead." Of course. Because that would be better. How that is better than, say, not hitting her with anything at all is hard to tell. Oh, did I mention that their 7-month old son was in the car at the time? Yeah, he was. OK then.

Sure. That seems normal. In fact, I was just about to ask, "I wonder why he didn't just rip off the rear-view mirror and bash in the windshield with that? That seems like the only logical thing to do in that situation." (Careful! Don't want to get any of that sarcasm that's oozing from that last sentence all over you. It's hard to get out and sometimes stains.) What is wrong with you, sir?! Actually, never mind. Screw you. You're a hopeless sandwich hurler. What is wrong with you, ma'am? What on Earth are you doing with Tempery Temperson over there? Leave! Leave now! Find your glasses amid the crushed glass of the windshield, wipe off the smeared condiments, gather your things and leave!! You can do better! We ALL can do better than HIM!

And as weird as all of this is, it's about to get weirder. These three are just the sandwich hurlers.(Kind of like The Three Amigos, only without the hats and fringe.) In 2008, there were scads of assaults in Flori-duh with the weapon of choice being a food item OR with the reason for the assault being a food item. Go figure. Oh, wait. They're from Flori-duh. They can't figure. Never mind. The Flori-duh Food Arsenal of 2008 was stocked with:
  • Hot sweet potato pie, which a man in Indiantown, FL "threw....in his girlfriend's face on Thanksgiving because he didn't like the food."

  • 3-pound package of Polish sausage, which a man in DeLand, FL "threw at his mother's head." Authorities said that alcohol may have been involved. (Shocker!)

  • In Fort Pierce, FL. a man did not like it when his girlfriend opened his cans of sardines and Vienna sausages and proceeded to "punch her over the head several times."

  • In Tallahassee, "A customer unhappy when his fish sandwich came with tartar sauce rather than ketchup started a confrontation that escalated from a shouting match to a fight to a bump-and-go car chase to a machete attack."

  • In Orlando, "A woman who was upset because her french fries were cold allegedly shot out a window at a McDonald's."

What the hell, Florida? What the hell?

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