Saturday, December 27, 2008

Missing: Toothless, Tattooed Toddler

It's a Christmas miracle! Well, not really. But that sounded a whole lot better than "It's Christmas time stupidity!" Since I know that the folks who are reading this aren't morons, here's a little tip for them to pass along to people that they know who are morons. We all know some. I'll even phrase it as if the moron is right in front of me. "Moron, sit down. Now, listen Moron, if you ever come up with an idea that involves deceit....what's that? What does 'deceit' mean? Oh, right. You're a moron. Sorry, I'll try to keep the vocabulary down. Moron, if you ever think of an idea that involves tricking other people and you think that you can pull it off because you're just soooo smart, please don't. Just don't. You might think you have a foolproof plan there, Moron, and no one will be able to crack your code. But see, you're a moron. So if you think you're smarter than everyone else, well, you think so not because you actually are smarter than everyone else, but because you're a moron. So just forget about all of the trickery and try something else. Something less tricky."

Enter Florida! Christmas time idiocy was in full swing on Christmas. According to CBS 4 in Miami, whose report on this story could be interpreted as its own form of idiocy as well, the parents of a six-month old child (who was last seen by them with his nanny on December 23rd) reported said child missing on the 24th of December. The woman, Meagan McCormick, said that she last saw her child, a one Riley Archer Buchness, on the 23rd when the child was being cared for by the nanny. The nanny, who had babysat for McCormick for several months and was deemed "responsible" by her, is a woman named Camille who, according to McCormick, "is about 20 to 30 years old with an unknown last name and speaks with a heavy French accent. She is a white, 5 feet 5 inches tall, 130 pounds, very long brown hair, brown eyes, and a gap between her teeth." Uh-huh. Oh, did I mention that she knew what street the "nanny" lived on, but had never been to her house? Yeah, that's what was said. Do you see where this is going? Maybe. Maybe not.

The child was described as being "...about a foot tall, white...wearing a white onesie with blue jeans. His hair is in a mohawk style, he has one tooth, and a fake tattoo on his left arm of an anchor." Uh-huh. He sounds kind of like a trailer park, midget version of Popeye. A foot tall? Twelve inches? That's IT?! How did this farce make the news in the first place?! The average length of a human when it's finally forcibly expelled out of the uterus of the female host is between 17 and 22 inches. This kid was supposed to be six months old and was a towering twelve inches? Why, yes! Of course he was! (By the way, is it just assumed that everyone, including myself, is going to know what in the hell a "onesie" is? Because I have no clue. None. If it's some sort of one piece outfit that babies wear, then tell me that! They don't have to go getting all "cutsie" on us and calling it a "onesie". After all, we're NOT the child. You can give it a more grown up (or common) name and we'll catch on!) If the picture that was circulated is any indication, he's also armless as well! Behold!

Now, so far we have a nanny without a last name, that lives on a street (that much has been determined) and "for months" has babysat this woman's six-month old, twelve inch tall, mohawk sporting, nearly toothless child with a fake anchor tattoo. Had the woman practiced this story out loud before she told it to the cops, she might, just might have heard how ridiculous it sounded and thought of something else. But she didn't. Fortunately, with a story that whack-a-doo, it didn't take long for the cops to figure out she was lying. I know! What a shocker!

So what was her motive? Well, fortunately (for once, it seems) she didn't kill the kid. That's because (wait for it......) there never was a kid. Correct. She made the whole thing up. Oh, she was pregnant at one time, but she miscarried. The problem was when she told her estranged boyfriend, who was living up in Boston, that she had the baby and all was fine in La La Land! Basically, they had broken up and he wanted the relationship to stay that way. She, on the other hand, didn't like that very much and figured that a baby would lure him back. What an ingenious plan! Once that he's back, then all you have to do is get yourself a baby! It's brilliant! Oh, wait. No it isn't. Where was she planning on getting a baby, you ask? Well her plan "....was to stall Buchness (he'd be the Dad) until she could adopt a little boy and pass him off as their son." Of course! The ol' adoption/fake-out/switcher-oo/ruse plan. I should have guessed!

McCormick "...went through great lengths to make her story believable, buying baby clothes and sending herself text messages from a second phone, pretending to be the kidnapping nanny." OK, look, there are a whole lot of different kinds of crazy out there and crazy over a failed relationship is just one of them. But when you start wandering over into the delusional world creating kind of crazy and then start dabbling in the inventing of small (very small) children and kidnapping caretakers, that's an entirely different kind of crazy. That's the kind of crazy that, even though I'm sure the guy is at least a little upset that this child that he thought was his for the last six months never existed, the guy should be relieved that he actually did NOT make another human being with this woman. Please don't be mad, sir. Just be relieved that, for now, the chain of crazy stops.

She's been arrested on a misdemeanor charge of filing a false police report and is being held at the Miami-Dade County Jail. One could hope that she is getting a bit of psychiatric help, but I'm going to guess that she is not. I'm going to guess that she's just sitting there in her cell and that's unfortunate. Although she said that her plan was to adopt a kid before anyone caught on to her scheme, let's think about what she would have done if she couldn't adopt a kid. I can't see that stealing someone else's child would be out of the realm of possibilities for this woman. Whenever she goes before a judge, if the judge has any sense and can see this for what it is, there will be some sort of psychiatric intervention as part of her sentence. Screw any fine and instead have her pay for all of the manpower that was spent on freaking Christmas Eve and Christmas Day looking for a child that never existed.

Yeah, this could have ended a whole lot worse than it did. Hopefully, with appropriate intervention, it won't get worse and there won't be a "next time". But unfortunately, this happened in Florida, so I'm not holding my breath.

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