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Hans Reiser, you A-hole, what have you been doing with yourself? What have you been up to? It's been a while, hasn't it? What...like...six...seven months now? How's tricks? Oh! That's right! You're serving 15 years to life for killing your wife, Nina and then blaming it on the " former KGB, "Russian mafia groups in California" - or, more likely, 'the techno-geek S&M crowd of Silicon Valley.' " That's right! It's all coming back to me now! Man, that was one of the more amusing trials I've followed in a while. And the sketch artist that provided illustrations throughout the trial? He was brilliant in his depictions! Yeah, that's right. Good times....
Oh! And then didn't your lawyer have his closing arguments revolve around the assertion that you, you murderous, lying, weasel you, that you could be compared to the oddest of all odd ducks, the platypus? Wasn't that coined the "Duck-Billed Defense" by some? OK, by me? Yes, I believe it was! Yeah, that didn't work out so well for you, did it? Nah, it sure didn't. How's that cell treating you? Plenty of time to think? And to file appeals. Wait. What?
The folks over there at SFGate tell us that Hans, with plenty of time on his hans (sorry. Hands. Plenty of time on his hands!), " is trying to appeal his conviction and sentence on the grounds of ineffective assistance from his lead attorney." All of this, of course, comes after his being convicted in April of the murder of his wife, Nina. It also comes after when he led authorities to Nina Reiser's remains in July, and it comes after August when he admitted that he had strangled her at his Oakland hills home in September 2006 before burying her body a half a mile away near Redwood Regional Park. Appeal away, you psychotic platypus, you. Appeal away.
One would think that coming up with grounds for an appeal for something that you've not only been convicted of, but that you've admitted to and produced a body, well, would be difficult. Right up until he produced the body, I'd say his best chances might have been 50-50. But coming up with grounds for an appeal after producing the body? Those grounds I'd say would be right around slim to none, and slim just left the building.
The grounds for appeal that Hans has concocted seem to center around the effectiveness (and the sanity) of his attorney, Mr. William duBois. Mr. duBois and Hans did not exactly become BFFs during the trial. To quote from closing arguments when he was questioning why Hans' wife would marry him, he stated, "It couldn't have been out of love that she married Hans Reiser. I can't see anybody loving Hans Reiser." He also debunked physical attraction by saying, "He has to be one of the least attractive people you can imagine."
Hans has apparently decided that the only logical explanation for remarks such as those (among other things) is that Mr. duBois suffers from "oxytocin excess as described in an article in the Scientific American this year." Oh, really?
Really! "I gave him the article, and he seemed to agree that it was a bit. He mentioned resisting an addiction to revenge novels consistent with the article and seemed to feel it was a fit. Persons with oxytocin excess enjoy betraying others." (Translation: Persons convicted of murder who don't like being in jail very much enjoy filing appeals.)
Hans rambled on with, "Mr. duBois has an extraordinary facility for engendering trust in others and extraordinary people skills. (This is consistent with high oxytocin.) He also very apparently gets a charge from duping and betraying juries who trust him. In this case, I believe that the attraction of duping and betraying me exceeded the attraction of duping and betraying a jury, due to my unique personal characteristics." Once again, there is Hans' ego shining bright enough to light up an entire
room cell! Because Hans is so different, that means everything is different. Up is down. Black is white. (Too bad jailed wasn't free, eh?) I guess you shouldn't have made yourself all dupe-a-licious there, Hans.
"I ask that his oxytocin levels be tested, and if they are consistent with the article, that he be found to have provided ineffective assistance of counsel that has permanently and irremediably destroyed my ability to obtain a fair trial and negotiate post conviction." Hans, sweetie, your inability to negotiate post conviction is largely due, in part, to your admitting to killing your wife and leading authorities to her body that you buried in a hillside not far from your home! I'd say that takes a bit of precedence over any imaginary conditions you'd like to believe that Mr. duBois is suffering from.
"One of my flaws is that I seem to attract people like him. He has much in common with persons I was in conflict with during my divorce and identified with them to an extent that I biased him against me enough that he wanted to betray me. He hates me. He is delusional in his insistence on believing what he wants to believe, and I needed an attorney who was objective enough for me to trust him. He biased his jury selection in part on Chinese astrology."
If you didn't follow his trial, trust me when I say that the above composition is classic Hans Reiser prose. It amazes me how he can phrase it so that it appears that he is the one who is the victim to all of these horrible people that he lets into his life, only to see them dupe and betray, time and time again. ::::sigh:::: And wouldn't you think that the "Chinese astrology" comment would warrant more than just that sentence. It comes out of nowhere and that is exactly where his explanation of it is. Nowhere.
"Mr. duBois claims in his most recent letter to me that I am delusional. I believe I have a right to have both of us examined in that regard. It is a logical necessity that either I am delusional, or he is delusional. Either one is grounds for a new trial. Mr. duBois is not being light hearted in his remark that I am delusional. In matters pertaining to me, he is not sane." Finally! Something I agree with! That is correct, either Mr. duBois OR Hans is delusional. Yep, one of them most certainly is. But in matters pertaining to you, Hans? You're sane as can be. And while killing your wife is a crazy thing to do, there's a whole lot of different kinds of crazy out there and the sane kind of crazy is your kind.
Hans then goes on to say that he wishes to hold the State of California to the offer it made of a 3 year sentence. He neglects to mention that the offer was made to him in the form of a plea bargain that was contingent upon his pleading guilty. He also neglects to mention that he rejected that plea bargain because he felt he would be able to be found not guilty by a jury. Too bad that all of the duping and betraying was going on, otherwise I'm sure that would have worked out just like he had thought it would! Shame.
The judge promptly rejected his appeal, basically stating that Hans was all appealed out. He also stated that his appeal was filed too late. (The untimely filing notation might seem a bit unnecessary. But given how frustrating Hans was during the trial, it's completely justifiable.) Yep, it's all just a bit too late. And from here on out, anything filed between now and 2018 (the earliest he would be able to be paroled) will be just a little bit early. That seems like some pretty just irony right there.
Below is a video of Hans making a statement during his sentencing. Mr. duBois is seated next to Hans, who has the look of a shackled mad scientist. Upon being asked if Hans would like to make a statement, Mr. duBois replied, "Probably." He then advises Hans that it would be in his best interest to "be brief" and "succinct".