Welcome back, Hans!

Hans Reiser, you A-hole, what have you been doing with yourself? What have you been up to? It's been a while, hasn't it? What...like...six...seven months now? How's tricks? Oh! That's right! You're serving 15 years to life for killing your wife, Nina and then blaming it on the " former KGB, "Russian mafia groups in California" - or, more likely, 'the techno-geek S&M crowd of Silicon Valley.' " That's right! It's all coming back to me now! Man, that was one of the more amusing trials I've followed in a while. And the sketch artist that provided illustrations throughout the trial? He was brilliant in his depictions! Yeah, that's right. Good times....

Oh! And then didn't your lawyer have his closing arguments revolve around the assertion that you, you murderous, lying, weasel you, that you could be compared to the oddest of all odd ducks, the platypus? Wasn't that coined the "Duck-Billed Defense" by some? OK, by me? Yes, I believe it was! Yeah, that didn't work out so well for you, did it? Nah, it sure didn't. How's that cell treating you? Plenty of time to think? And to file appeals. Wait. What?

The folks over there at SFGate tell us that Hans, with plenty of time on his hans (sorry. Hands. Plenty of time on his hands!), " is trying to appeal his conviction and sentence on the grounds of ineffective assistance from his lead attorney." All of this, of course, comes after his being convicted in April of the murder of his wife, Nina. It also comes after when he led authorities to Nina Reiser's remains in July, and it comes after August when he admitted that he had strangled her at his Oakland hills home in September 2006 before burying her body a half a mile away near Redwood Regional Park. Appeal away, you psychotic platypus, you. Appeal away.

One would think that coming up with grounds for an appeal for something that you've not only been convicted of, but that you've admitted to and produced a body, well, would be difficult. Right up until he produced the body, I'd say his best chances might have been 50-50. But coming up with grounds for an appeal after producing the body? Those grounds I'd say would be right around slim to none, and slim just left the building.

The grounds for appeal that Hans has concocted seem to center around the effectiveness (and the sanity) of his attorney, Mr. William duBois. Mr. duBois and Hans did not exactly become BFFs during the trial. To quote from closing arguments when he was questioning why Hans' wife would marry him, he stated, "It couldn't have been out of love that she married Hans Reiser. I can't see anybody loving Hans Reiser." He also debunked physical attraction by saying, "He has to be one of the least attractive people you can imagine."

Hans has apparently decided that the only logical explanation for remarks such as those (among other things) is that Mr. duBois suffers from "oxytocin excess as described in an article in the Scientific American this year." Oh, really?

Really! "I gave him the article, and he seemed to agree that it was a bit. He mentioned resisting an addiction to revenge novels consistent with the article and seemed to feel it was a fit. Persons with oxytocin excess enjoy betraying others." (Translation: Persons convicted of murder who don't like being in jail very much enjoy filing appeals.)

Hans rambled on with, "Mr. duBois has an extraordinary facility for engendering trust in others and extraordinary people skills. (This is consistent with high oxytocin.) He also very apparently gets a charge from duping and betraying juries who trust him. In this case, I believe that the attraction of duping and betraying me exceeded the attraction of duping and betraying a jury, due to my unique personal characteristics." Once again, there is Hans' ego shining bright enough to light up an entire room cell! Because Hans is so different, that means everything is different. Up is down. Black is white. (Too bad jailed wasn't free, eh?) I guess you shouldn't have made yourself all dupe-a-licious there, Hans.

"I ask that his oxytocin levels be tested, and if they are consistent with the article, that he be found to have provided ineffective assistance of counsel that has permanently and irremediably destroyed my ability to obtain a fair trial and negotiate post conviction." Hans, sweetie, your inability to negotiate post conviction is largely due, in part, to your admitting to killing your wife and leading authorities to her body that you buried in a hillside not far from your home! I'd say that takes a bit of precedence over any imaginary conditions you'd like to believe that Mr. duBois is suffering from.

"One of my flaws is that I seem to attract people like him. He has much in common with persons I was in conflict with during my divorce and identified with them to an extent that I biased him against me enough that he wanted to betray me. He hates me. He is delusional in his insistence on believing what he wants to believe, and I needed an attorney who was objective enough for me to trust him. He biased his jury selection in part on Chinese astrology."

If you didn't follow his trial, trust me when I say that the above composition is classic Hans Reiser prose. It amazes me how he can phrase it so that it appears that he is the one who is the victim to all of these horrible people that he lets into his life, only to see them dupe and betray, time and time again. ::::sigh:::: And wouldn't you think that the "Chinese astrology" comment would warrant more than just that sentence. It comes out of nowhere and that is exactly where his explanation of it is. Nowhere.

"Mr. duBois claims in his most recent letter to me that I am delusional. I believe I have a right to have both of us examined in that regard. It is a logical necessity that either I am delusional, or he is delusional. Either one is grounds for a new trial. Mr. duBois is not being light hearted in his remark that I am delusional. In matters pertaining to me, he is not sane." Finally! Something I agree with! That is correct, either Mr. duBois OR Hans is delusional. Yep, one of them most certainly is. But in matters pertaining to you, Hans? You're sane as can be. And while killing your wife is a crazy thing to do, there's a whole lot of different kinds of crazy out there and the sane kind of crazy is your kind.

Hans then goes on to say that he wishes to hold the State of California to the offer it made of a 3 year sentence. He neglects to mention that the offer was made to him in the form of a plea bargain that was contingent upon his pleading guilty. He also neglects to mention that he rejected that plea bargain because he felt he would be able to be found not guilty by a jury. Too bad that all of the duping and betraying was going on, otherwise I'm sure that would have worked out just like he had thought it would! Shame.

The judge promptly rejected his appeal, basically stating that Hans was all appealed out. He also stated that his appeal was filed too late. (The untimely filing notation might seem a bit unnecessary. But given how frustrating Hans was during the trial, it's completely justifiable.) Yep, it's all just a bit too late. And from here on out, anything filed between now and 2018 (the earliest he would be able to be paroled) will be just a little bit early. That seems like some pretty just irony right there.

Below is a video of Hans making a statement during his sentencing. Mr. duBois is seated next to Hans, who has the look of a shackled mad scientist. Upon being asked if Hans would like to make a statement, Mr. duBois replied, "Probably." He then advises Hans that it would be in his best interest to "be brief" and "succinct".

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A Platypus That Sings Like A Canary

Oh, Hans. Quirky, odd, strange, platypus-ian Hans. Even though you had been found guilty; even though you sound guilty; even though you act guilty...I don't know, I guess maybe I thought there was a small shred of hope that the man whose attorney compared him to the likes of a platypus (as the basis for the defense claim that he didn't kill his wife, Nina) maybe, possibly didn't actually kill his wife. But when you're in talks with the prosecution regarding a sentencing deal if you disclose the location of the body, well, that kind of leads one to believe that the jury got it right, you cowardly, wife killing bastard of a platypus, you.

A brief review: Hans Reiser, the creator of the Linux file sharing system which he oh-so humbly named after himself, ReiserFS (FS = file system. Clever, eh?), was accused of killing his wife Nina for reasons that people who kill their wives have as justification for all of the killing. That is to say, it doesn't matter what led him to choose to kill her, it's wrong whatever it is. I'm fairly certain that everyone who had any contact with Hans at any point ever would all say the same thing about him. He's strange. Very, very strange. So strange in fact, that his attorney's "theme" during his closing arguments was that Hans was like a platypus. Yes, a platypus. That webbed footed, duck billed mammal that lays eggs. The platypus is strange, but that doesn't mean that it's a killer. (But actually, the male platypus has a spiny little spike thing that protrudes off the back of his foot that will shoot venom into predators as a way of fending them off. So, in reality, the platypus looks weird, acts weird and DOES kill other things. Um, hello, defense attorney? Yes, meet Wikipedia.)

At the time of the platypus's trial, Nina's body had not been found. There were no weapons found. All they had to go on were Hans' strange behaviors which included, but were far from limited to:

• Removing the seat from his Honda CRX because he said the men in his family always removed seats from cars so there was more room in there for him to sleep.
  
  
• Going to Reno after his wife's disappearance to "sample the casino buffets."
  
  
• Removing batteries from cell phones so that the location of the cell phone could not be traced.
  
  
• Reading books about murder investigations because, according to him, he "wanted to know how the police behaved."
  
  
• Driving around with $9,000 in cash and his passport in a fanny pack.

And while none of these things are indicative of someone who has committed murder, when you've already been accused of the murder and these are your behaviors afterwards, it's not going to look like you didn't do it, and that's regardless as to whether you're a platypus or just a regular ol' mammal or not.

So on April 28, Hans was found guilty of first degree murder by a jury who had to sit through 5 months of testimony which included 11 days of excruciatingly painfully detailed testimony from Hans. (By the way, during the 5 month trial, Hans pretty much succeeded in pissing off everyone in that courtroom at least once, including the judge and his own lawyer, who did not hold back his disparaging remarks about Hans, even during his closing arguments. You really have to wonder about how things are going to work out for you when your own lawyer is telling the jury that you're "an asshole".) Hans is scheduled to be sentenced in a couple of days on July 9. First degree murder in California carries a penalty of a mandatory 25 years to life sentence.

But wait! There's more! According to the fine folks over yonder at Wired.com, Hans had been in talks with the prosecution in the latest episode of Legal Let's Make A Deal! It's as if the prosecutors have said to him, "Here's the deal, Hans. You tell us where Nina's body is and we will recommend that your conviction be reduced from first degree murder to second degree murder. (2nd degree murder in CA carries a mandatory penalty of 15 years to life.)" So, Door Number 1, Door Number 2 or Door Number 3. One of those doors contains your deal, Hans. The other two contain cinder block jail cells and a roommate named Bubba. Choose wisely, Hans.

Hans has chosen wisely as of this afternoon. Or, at the very least, Hans has chosen the path that he thinks will net him the greatest reward as he led authorities to Nina's body this afternoon. It was in a bag, off of a trail, in the Oakland hills, only about a couple of miles from the Reiser household. (And now, as we think back to when one of Hans's children said that he had "a dream" that he saw Hans carrying a big bag with his Mom in it, we hope the child ends up on the saner side of "a little bit off", as it's about 50-50 for however the kid will turn out in life after witnessing something like that.)

So much for the S&M techno geek crowd of Silicon Valley. So much for the Russian mafia. So much for all of the "oddities" that Hans exhibited that were supposed to just be "oddities". So much for taking the car seat out of the car to make it more comfortable to sleep in. So much for hosing out the inside of the car because that's what your family does. So much for traveling to Reno after Nina went missing so that you could sample the buffets. So much for your Dad defending you in court and in the media. So much for your defense attorney's argument that you are like a platypus, odd and strange but not a killer. So much for all of the crap that you tried so hard to make everyone else believe. Actually, I think you tried to make yourself believe it more than you tried to make everyone else believe it. The difference is that it worked on you. I don't think that a lot of us who were following your ridiculously long, tedious and drawn out trial were leaning on the side of "He's an innocent platypus." Quite the opposite.

This will be the last time that anything positive can come from Hans Reiser. It makes me a little bit nauseous to know that the length of his sentence had to be used as a bargaining chip in order to retrieve Nina's body and to give her friends and her family at least a sliver of peace. But then again, just because his sentence gets reduced, that doesn't mean he has to be let out. Thanks for finally doing the right thing, Hans, you cowardly, weasel you.

And I know that you've been labeled as a 'platypus' throughout this whole ordeal. And I know that, although quirky and odd, you're really not like a platypus at all. And it is for that reason that you can think of yourself as a platypus all you want (if you even do), but I will always think of you as the rat bastard who killed his children's mother.

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That's One Guilty...Platypus?

The verdict is in....Hans Reiser, aka The Platypus, has been found guilty of murder in the first degree of his wife, Nina. (Just to clarify, he's not a superhero. The Platypus is not his secret identity that he uses when fighting crime. Or predators trying to steal eggs from this mammal who lays them. The Platypus is in reference to his defense attorney's closing arguments in which he likened Hans to a platypus. Both weird, both odd, both allegedly didn't kill their wife. The real platypus, however, will not be spending at least the next 25 years in jail.)

Hans wasn't looking so great when he was in the courtroom. Yeah, he looked like he was about to vomit. (Hey, I would too if I knew that my future rested in the hands of 12 men and women who just heard my lawyer, over three days, tell them that I was a platypus. I'd probably be expelling fluids in more ways than just the vomit-in-ous kind.) His tie and his collar were on all funny looking. Hmmm...I guess a platypus wouldn't know or care what his tie nor his collar looked like. Here's a pic of a somewhat nauseous looking and slightly disheveled Hans

Yeah, I've seen that fashion style sported before. "Fashion style" meaning the not very well put together tie-shirt-jacket combo with the really big knotted, rather loose fitting tie. You can accomplish that look by taking a pre-knotted tie and just yank it on over someone's head to get it on them as quick as possible. Usually used with small boys going to church or other places where you don't get the tie on until the last minute. Also often used in court settings where the defendant is whisked into the courtroom from jail with not a lot of time to primp before his fate is read aloud. He doesn't look well.

Reiser's attorney, William DuBois (the father of the platypus-ian defense, a tactic that is sure to be questioned studied for years (or at least hours) to come.) responded to questions about his reaction to the jury's verdict by saying, "We're disappointed, but we're not completely surprised." (No, you really couldn't be, could you? Not after Hans' antic filled 11 days on the witness stand that resulted in his own attorney calling him an "asshole" at least five times one day. Granted, it was to "clarify" a point Hans had made, but you could tell there was a bit of joy every time DuBois repeated something to the effect of, "So you're saying you're an asshole?" )

Even still, DuBois didn't think that having his platypus client take the stand was the problem. Well, not the entire problem. "It's not one thing, it's a series of things." (Now that's about the most accurate statement that you'll hear all day. Possibly all week. And it's only Monday.) "They misread him and didn't give a lot of stock to his disorder. ("Disorder" referring to his social ineptitude.) I'm sure he negatively impressed the jurors." (Well, he negatively impressed everyone else, including the judge who , at one point, told him, "Mr. Reiser, I have about had it with you. You are rude. You are arrogant. There's not enough words in the English language to describe the way you are. You have made a mockery of everything about this proceeding. If you continue to disrupt the courtroom, I will have you removed from this courtroom." Yeah, so I don't see why the jurors would be excluded from being negatively impressed.)

Both DuBois and Paul Hora, the prosecutor, spoke with the jurors after the verdict. (The jurors weren't interviewed, but I don't think that they could have been. At least, not until the sentencing part is done. I have the feeling that they'll be giving their very honest opinions about Hans when they do.) Hora told a group of reporters after the verdict, "We have a body; we just don't know where it is." Wait. What? I think he's been listening to Hans for too long. (During his closing arguments, Hora had told the jury during that, "He's got motive coming out of his ears." I found that to be an interesting way of putting it. He's just oozing motive. Yep, right out of the auditory orifices. Motive out the ears.)

Hans was ordered to be removed from the courtroom immediately after the verdict was read. As Hans didn't act up or do anything else to get himself removed (very unlike him. Must have still been a little stunned), I'd have to say it was an anticipatory move. As a bailiff grabbed his arm, Reiser said, "I've been the best father that I know how." (Um, Hans, if you killed your wife and that's the best you know how, you might want to get a parenting book or something. I really think that "murder" as "parenting" could be improved upon.) His next statement was, "Can I speak to my attorney?" At that moment, he couldn't. You're not going to be getting your way for a while, Hans. Better get used to it.

The next question in light of the verdict, aside from how long ol' Hans gets to spend in the slammer (The minimum is 25 years. What happens to a platypus after 25 years in jail? I don't know either, but it can't be pretty.), is what happens to Reiser4. Yes, Reiser4. It's a software file system that Hans named after himself (naturally). ReiserFS (File System) is built into the Linux kernel and is used in many of the top Linux distributions. (I don't know what that means. Whizzy-whirls built-in Linus zorbt thwogs, that's what I heard.) Reiser4 is the successor the ReiserFS, but without Hans, it's either not happening or it's going to have to be taken over by others (who say that it's just not the same without ol' Hans and I can believe that. That's probably the 2nd most true statement you'll hear all day. And it's still Monday!).

And when you read quotes from some of the programmers that knew Hans and had to work with him, you get a feeling that the guy that you saw/read about in the courtroom was a pretty accurate depiction of the guy himself. Ted Ts'o is a top Linux kernel developer and works on the file systems that compete with Reiser's. His impression of Hans is that "he is a talented programmer whose work was overshadowed by his temperment." Go on.... “Hans was not the easiest person to work with and and it’s ironic that by having some of these folks (those working on the Reiser4, sans Hans) interacting with the Linux community it allows Reiser4 to make more of a focus toward mainline inclusion simply because Hans was his own worst enemy and had questionable social skills. Hans was technically brilliant, but socially not at quite the same level.” (Correct, 3rd and 4th most true statements you'll read all day. Correct again - still Monday.)

Stay tuned for what may be the final installment of this odd, odd story where a human and an egg laying mammal become intertwined as one in a saga of murder, deception and justice. Or maybe just keep an eye out for "The Platypus Goes To Prison".

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Platypus-ian Closing Arguments - Finally

It's almost over. The trial of Hans Reiser is almost at a much anticipated and long overdue end. Prosecutor Paul Hora will finish up his rebuttal closing arguments tomorrow morning and then the judge will give the jury instructions and then....let the deliberations begin!

Naturally, there had to be just a bit more hilarity before this thing was over. Defense attorney William DuBois is sticking with his "my client is a platypus" theme and continued to project images of platypi on a screen in the courtroom. (I'm assuming he also continued referring to said platypi as "Hans", just so we don't forget that "platypus" = "Hans". While that's very considerate and thorough, I doubt anyone is going to forget that "platypus" = "Hans". Ever.)

Mr. DuBois did add an element to his description of Hans and that was that Hans is "an eccentric". And just so everyone would be clear on his definition of "eccentric", he projected onto the courtroom screen a page from Wikipedia that discusssed eccentricity, telling the jury, "I wanted to know what that was." So he read the following from the page,""This behavior would typically be perceived as unusual or unnecessary, without being demonstrably maladaptive." After that, Du Bois added, "Whatever that means." Wait. What? HE doesn't know what that meant, but he's reading it to the jury and expecting them to know what it means? Dude, back to platypus. Back to platypus!!

He continued with "Eccentricity is contrasted with "normal" behavior, the nearly universal means by which individuals in society solve given problems and pursue certain priorities in everyday life. For people who consistently display benignly eccentric behavior, there is a label: 'eccentrics'." He then stopped reading and told the jury, "Prosecutors say he isn't normal. I'll stipulate to that. He's not normal. I'm sorry Hans," he said to the platypus Hans. (Look, nothing is normal about this whole ordeal! Not Hans! Not Mr. DuBois! And certainly not the freakish platypus! NOTHING is normal. They should all be apologizing to us not each other!)

He then began to wrap up his argument by putting Hans in the not-so-favorable light that he has been known to do throughout this trial. He said, ""You may dislike him -- that would put you in the majority of people who know him -- but he didn't commit the crime." (You know, maybe I'm eccentric, but I might be starting to actually like Hans. I'm definitely not liking this defense or this defense attorney, however.)

Then Mr. Hora began his rebuttal arguments by stating to the jury what I had mentioned the other day. He told them that the platypus, while definitely odd looking and odd acting, also has that little spur on it's hind foot that has a poison venom in it that the platypus can use to attack other creatures. That clearly implied that "weird lookin' " doesn't necessarily equal "not able to kill something". He, unlike Mr. DuBois, did not feel the need to apologize to Hans. Shocking.

I have no idea how this jury is going to go on this one when they finally get the case. But I think that I know this much: I think that this jury is composed of at least twelve people and how ever many alternates that are, simply stated, the twelve-plus most patient people on this planet. To have had to sit through this for five months (thank God the platypus factor only became involved within the past week), to have had to sit and pay attention to this for five months, to have had to sit there and pay attention to this and not know that it would end up being five months and not know how long it was going to be at all and not know when (or IF) it was EVER going to come to an end....to be able to a) actually sit there, b) pay attention, and c) not hang yourself before it reached this point, well, that my friends, is the behavior of saints. And when those saints come to a verdict, whatever that may be, should be accepted and respected, if for no other reason than the ones I just stated.

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Duck Billed Defense, Day Two

Yesterday was Day Two of the Duck Billed Defense of Hans Reiser, the platypus-ian computer programmer who is on trial for the death of his (yet-to-be-found) wife, Nina. If you were unaware that a human being could be compared to a platypus (let alone be compared to a platypus as a defense to murder charges), well, you wouldn't be alone. Then again, there have been a lot of things in this trial that I was unaware of. (That techno-geek S&M crowd of Silicon Valley, for one.)

When we last left the really, really f-ing weird closing arguments being given by the defense, William DuBois was clinging to a stuffed platypus and likening the egg-laying mammal (one of only 5 mammals that lay eggs) to his client, Hans Reiser. I suppose the analogy was supposed to be something like, "This is a weird duck. He is a weird duck. Weird ducks are innocent." It didn't really come across like that. It kind of came across as an old attorney holding a stuffed animal in court whilst making berating comments about his client in his unique and strategic attempt to show the innocence of his client.

When the defense's closing arguments continued on Thursday, the platypus theme was still present, although the stuffed animal had been replaced by an image of a platypus projected onto a screen in the courtroom. That followed with Mr. DuBois reminding the jury that "the platypus is Hans." (Not words I would want to hear my attorney say in my defense at my murder trial. But that's just me.) He said, "This is what they actually look like, but you get the idea." Um, actually, no I don't. This guy is that duck thing again why?

Then Mr. DuBois reminded the jury of why Hans was a platypus. (That seems like the most logical thing to start with, if you're asking me. Because if he doesn't explain it, there will be questions. ) DuBois smiled at the jury and said, "Did you know that the platypus is the only mammal that lays eggs? I was trying to think recently how a platypus could even evolve. It must have been a genetic mistake. That's why it reminded me of..." That's when Mr. DuBois's voice sort of trailed off and he glanced over at Hans. Ah, yes, the old "my client is a genetic mistake" angle. Then things start to get a little weird.

DuBois continued to explain to the jury why his client, the innocent, pseudo-egg laying mammal, would not have killed his wife with his children in the house. He explained that the children could have witnesses such a killing by being present, and if someone did not want to get caught, they wouldn't kill their spousal platypus with their platypi offspring (I swear, more than one platypus = platypi.) in the home. Or den. Or whatever they live in. He said, "Even for a platypus, that one's hard to believe." (I'd have to imagine that all platypi are, at this very moment, finding all of this "hard to believe". Either that or they have absolutely no clue whatsoever that there is a murder trial going on. One of the two.)

This was the basic line of reasoning that Mr. DuBois continued with throughout his closing arguments (which, by the way, he did not finish. Day Three of "The Platypus Is Innocent" will continue on Monday. They're taking Friday off. Shocker.) He explained repeatedly why "a platypus" acts the way it does. He was also a bit dismayed that twice during his arguments, the image of the platypus disappeared from the monitor for no apparent reason. Both times caused him to ask, "What happened to Hans?" Yes, he has started calling the platypus 'Hans'. I guess that's to continually remind the jury of his freakishly weird defense theme of 'egg laying, fur bearing mammals indigenous to Australia." (Yeah. It'd be hard to remember that all the time. Thanks for the refreshers there, Bill.)

And I'm not a lawyer, I don't play one on TV and I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but there was a point when I'd have to say that Mr. DuBois got a little carried away with his platypus analogies. He got carried away to the point where he clearly didn't realize how wrong what he said must have sounded (and that's just to those in the court who knew what in the hell he was talking about. If you had just poked your head in the courtroom 30 seconds before this part, you'd have been really confused and probably horrified.).

It was when DuBois was stating that he thought that Hans was getting a raw deal by being charged with his missing wife's murder in the first place. That's when he said, "I just know this is one of the great screw-jobs of what happened to Hans Reiser. It's easy to screw a platypus." Yes, of course it is. Wait. What? (Did he just say it was "easy to screw a platypus?" WTF?!)

Even after THAT, he kept talking and he said, "I don't know how they stay away from predators. They must taste terrible." Now, maybe he didn't know he was speaking out loud and that other people could actually hear him. I don't know how else to explain THAT. It's the closing arguments in a murder trial and the defense attorney just told the jury that it's easy to screw a platypus and that they must taste terrible. Aside from not seeing the hidden legal precedence in those statements, they're just wrong on so, so many levels that I can't even go there. And I'd appreciate it if, in the future, if you didn't go there either, Mr. DuBois.

The prosecution will get to speak to the jury after the defense finishes it's platypus-ian closing statements. That should be interesting. Web-footed mammalian rebuttals. Stay tuned, won't ye?

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Duck-Billed Defense

Well, here's a defense that you don't hear in court every day. Or any day, from what I can tell. I've never heard it before. But, then again, this involves Hans Reiser, the guy who is on trial for the murder of his wife (who has not been found, alive or dead) who claimed that the techno-geek S&M crowd in San Francisco could be the culprit. That is correct; technology geeks who like to have S&M sex. (I guess with each other, but I doubt that any techno-geek would be all that discriminate about who he has sex with, really.) I didn't know that one could be topped, but it might have been.

The trial is finally at the closing arguments stage. The thing has been going on since at least November. There have been at least 60 witnesses. Hans himself was on the stand for eleven days. It would have been considerably shorter if his incessant rambling and his need to insert every miniscule detail possible into his testimony had been curtailed a bit. But it wasn't. Thus, five months later, here we are. And after five months, five months, that the defense has had to prepare for this moment, what do they come up with as their parting words to the jury before deliberations? That's right. He's a platypus.

A platypus is a freaky looking semi-aquatic little mammal that lives in Australia. It is also known as the duck billed platypus because it sports a duck-like bill (clever). Behold! A duck-billed platypus:

Now, just so we don't get too far off track with all of the legal analogies being made to Australian mammals, behold! Hans Reiser:

Yeah, I'm just not seeing it. But I'm not his attorney, William DuBois is. And he told the jurors, "Hans' conduct can be interpreted as being guilty. It can also be interpreted as innocence, and a product of his own platypus-ian personality, as we will see. He is odd in every way." Dude, he's not the only odd one there. May I just ask what in the hell is a "platypus-ian personality"? Are you saying he is one of only five mammals that lay eggs? Are you saying that he is so revered in Australia that he is featured on the Australian 20 cent coin? What else?

"He is odd in every way. Odd in the way he carries himself. Odd in the way he acts. Odd in the way he speaks." Yes, this is all very, very odd. He got that right. DuBois continued with, "Why did he act the way he acts? He does not understand social cues. He shows almost no emotion is because he has no emotion." And that makes him like a platypus? Well, yes, according to Mr. DuBois who continued along the same odd mammalian line with, "He is the duck-billed platypus of criminal defendants, the duck-billed platypus amongst some of his peers, the duck-billed platypus amongst normal people. Yet he must get the same consideration under the law." The same consideration as what? People who are not being compared to a platypus?! ("That Hans. He always was the duck-billed platypus of the group.") Oh, and as DuBois was telling the jurors this, he was HOLDING a stuffed PLATYPUS. Yes. I guess it was so the jury could see just how ridiculous it is to be comparing anything, other than another platypus, to a platypus! In fact, here:

Please note the drawing of the male sitting behind Mr. DuBois. I don't know who he is supposed to be, but I have the feeling that the expression drawn on his face would have to sum up his (and other's listening to the "web-footed, duck-billed, Australian mammal defense") feelings on the matter (which appear to be, "WTF? Did he say 'platypus'?")

Now, I question this defense mainly because, well, it's freaking odd. But also because Mr. DuBois and Hans have not exactly gotten along just swimmingly over the course of the trial. No, there was the time when Hans referred to himself as an "asshole" and Mr. DuBois seized that opportunity to make sure that he understood that Hans was saying he was an "asshole" at least five times. So that's just another reason to question this defense tactic (not that you really needed another reason after you first heard 'platypus'.)

Mr. DuBois continues his "defense" closing arguments by going over how Hans and Nina met in 1998 in Russia when he picked her out of European Connections, a mail-order bride catalog. (She was "5279 Nina". Catchy.) He then showed the picture of her that was included in the catalog and he mentioned that she also included that she wanted to "meet a good man." DuBois said, "She missed the mark there, with all due respect," he said to his client.

What he was getting at (in the oddest of all odd platypus-ish ways) was that Nina had ulterior motives by marrying Hans. He was suggesting that she wanted to marry him in order to obtain American citizenship and when she had her citizenship, she would want to leave him. He flat out said that there was no way she could love Hans. He told the jurors, "She had an ulterior motive to marry Hans. It couldn't have been out of love that she married Hans Reiser. I can't see anybody loving Hans Reiser. He has to be one of the least attractive people you can imagine, and she's a doll." This is HIS attorney who is defending him! (I figured I should point that out because it's really hard to tell, I know.)

"My client is an ugly and unlovable platypus who did not kill his wife." That's really not the kind of thing I want to hear my own attorney say in his closing arguments about me as a way of trying to get me acquitted of murder. No, I'd prefer something a little bit more, um, flattering? Positive? Nice? How about nice? Nicer would a huge improvement at this point. But that didn't happen. No, instead we got, "My client is such an easy person to dislike. He just comes across so lousy."

DuBois resumes his closing arguments on Thursday (perhaps by then, he will have come up with some sort of pouched marsupial to compare Hans to.). I hope he uses the time in between to do a little bit more thinking about this defense strategy that he's come up with. You know, the male platypus have these little spur-like things on their heels (it's like they're just built for bein' cowboys!). They're hollow and they are connected to these sacs in their legs that contain poison which is lethal when the platypus uses his toxic spur-claws against smaller rodents or small fish. So he has just compared his client, on trial for murder, to a weird-ass animal that has the hidden ability to kill other things when it wants to. What could possibly go wrong?

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