Platypus-ian Closing Arguments - Finally

It's almost over. The trial of Hans Reiser is almost at a much anticipated and long overdue end. Prosecutor Paul Hora will finish up his rebuttal closing arguments tomorrow morning and then the judge will give the jury instructions and then....let the deliberations begin!

Naturally, there had to be just a bit more hilarity before this thing was over. Defense attorney William DuBois is sticking with his "my client is a platypus" theme and continued to project images of platypi on a screen in the courtroom. (I'm assuming he also continued referring to said platypi as "Hans", just so we don't forget that "platypus" = "Hans". While that's very considerate and thorough, I doubt anyone is going to forget that "platypus" = "Hans". Ever.)

Mr. DuBois did add an element to his description of Hans and that was that Hans is "an eccentric". And just so everyone would be clear on his definition of "eccentric", he projected onto the courtroom screen a page from Wikipedia that discusssed eccentricity, telling the jury, "I wanted to know what that was." So he read the following from the page,""This behavior would typically be perceived as unusual or unnecessary, without being demonstrably maladaptive." After that, Du Bois added, "Whatever that means." Wait. What? HE doesn't know what that meant, but he's reading it to the jury and expecting them to know what it means? Dude, back to platypus. Back to platypus!!

He continued with "Eccentricity is contrasted with "normal" behavior, the nearly universal means by which individuals in society solve given problems and pursue certain priorities in everyday life. For people who consistently display benignly eccentric behavior, there is a label: 'eccentrics'." He then stopped reading and told the jury, "Prosecutors say he isn't normal. I'll stipulate to that. He's not normal. I'm sorry Hans," he said to the platypus Hans. (Look, nothing is normal about this whole ordeal! Not Hans! Not Mr. DuBois! And certainly not the freakish platypus! NOTHING is normal. They should all be apologizing to us not each other!)

He then began to wrap up his argument by putting Hans in the not-so-favorable light that he has been known to do throughout this trial. He said, ""You may dislike him -- that would put you in the majority of people who know him -- but he didn't commit the crime." (You know, maybe I'm eccentric, but I might be starting to actually like Hans. I'm definitely not liking this defense or this defense attorney, however.)

Then Mr. Hora began his rebuttal arguments by stating to the jury what I had mentioned the other day. He told them that the platypus, while definitely odd looking and odd acting, also has that little spur on it's hind foot that has a poison venom in it that the platypus can use to attack other creatures. That clearly implied that "weird lookin' " doesn't necessarily equal "not able to kill something". He, unlike Mr. DuBois, did not feel the need to apologize to Hans. Shocking.

I have no idea how this jury is going to go on this one when they finally get the case. But I think that I know this much: I think that this jury is composed of at least twelve people and how ever many alternates that are, simply stated, the twelve-plus most patient people on this planet. To have had to sit through this for five months (thank God the platypus factor only became involved within the past week), to have had to sit and pay attention to this for five months, to have had to sit there and pay attention to this and not know that it would end up being five months and not know how long it was going to be at all and not know when (or IF) it was EVER going to come to an end....to be able to a) actually sit there, b) pay attention, and c) not hang yourself before it reached this point, well, that my friends, is the behavior of saints. And when those saints come to a verdict, whatever that may be, should be accepted and respected, if for no other reason than the ones I just stated.

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Duck Billed Defense, Day Two

Yesterday was Day Two of the Duck Billed Defense of Hans Reiser, the platypus-ian computer programmer who is on trial for the death of his (yet-to-be-found) wife, Nina. If you were unaware that a human being could be compared to a platypus (let alone be compared to a platypus as a defense to murder charges), well, you wouldn't be alone. Then again, there have been a lot of things in this trial that I was unaware of. (That techno-geek S&M crowd of Silicon Valley, for one.)

When we last left the really, really f-ing weird closing arguments being given by the defense, William DuBois was clinging to a stuffed platypus and likening the egg-laying mammal (one of only 5 mammals that lay eggs) to his client, Hans Reiser. I suppose the analogy was supposed to be something like, "This is a weird duck. He is a weird duck. Weird ducks are innocent." It didn't really come across like that. It kind of came across as an old attorney holding a stuffed animal in court whilst making berating comments about his client in his unique and strategic attempt to show the innocence of his client.

When the defense's closing arguments continued on Thursday, the platypus theme was still present, although the stuffed animal had been replaced by an image of a platypus projected onto a screen in the courtroom. That followed with Mr. DuBois reminding the jury that "the platypus is Hans." (Not words I would want to hear my attorney say in my defense at my murder trial. But that's just me.) He said, "This is what they actually look like, but you get the idea." Um, actually, no I don't. This guy is that duck thing again why?

Then Mr. DuBois reminded the jury of why Hans was a platypus. (That seems like the most logical thing to start with, if you're asking me. Because if he doesn't explain it, there will be questions. ) DuBois smiled at the jury and said, "Did you know that the platypus is the only mammal that lays eggs? I was trying to think recently how a platypus could even evolve. It must have been a genetic mistake. That's why it reminded me of..." That's when Mr. DuBois's voice sort of trailed off and he glanced over at Hans. Ah, yes, the old "my client is a genetic mistake" angle. Then things start to get a little weird.

DuBois continued to explain to the jury why his client, the innocent, pseudo-egg laying mammal, would not have killed his wife with his children in the house. He explained that the children could have witnesses such a killing by being present, and if someone did not want to get caught, they wouldn't kill their spousal platypus with their platypi offspring (I swear, more than one platypus = platypi.) in the home. Or den. Or whatever they live in. He said, "Even for a platypus, that one's hard to believe." (I'd have to imagine that all platypi are, at this very moment, finding all of this "hard to believe". Either that or they have absolutely no clue whatsoever that there is a murder trial going on. One of the two.)

This was the basic line of reasoning that Mr. DuBois continued with throughout his closing arguments (which, by the way, he did not finish. Day Three of "The Platypus Is Innocent" will continue on Monday. They're taking Friday off. Shocker.) He explained repeatedly why "a platypus" acts the way it does. He was also a bit dismayed that twice during his arguments, the image of the platypus disappeared from the monitor for no apparent reason. Both times caused him to ask, "What happened to Hans?" Yes, he has started calling the platypus 'Hans'. I guess that's to continually remind the jury of his freakishly weird defense theme of 'egg laying, fur bearing mammals indigenous to Australia." (Yeah. It'd be hard to remember that all the time. Thanks for the refreshers there, Bill.)

And I'm not a lawyer, I don't play one on TV and I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but there was a point when I'd have to say that Mr. DuBois got a little carried away with his platypus analogies. He got carried away to the point where he clearly didn't realize how wrong what he said must have sounded (and that's just to those in the court who knew what in the hell he was talking about. If you had just poked your head in the courtroom 30 seconds before this part, you'd have been really confused and probably horrified.).

It was when DuBois was stating that he thought that Hans was getting a raw deal by being charged with his missing wife's murder in the first place. That's when he said, "I just know this is one of the great screw-jobs of what happened to Hans Reiser. It's easy to screw a platypus." Yes, of course it is. Wait. What? (Did he just say it was "easy to screw a platypus?" WTF?!)

Even after THAT, he kept talking and he said, "I don't know how they stay away from predators. They must taste terrible." Now, maybe he didn't know he was speaking out loud and that other people could actually hear him. I don't know how else to explain THAT. It's the closing arguments in a murder trial and the defense attorney just told the jury that it's easy to screw a platypus and that they must taste terrible. Aside from not seeing the hidden legal precedence in those statements, they're just wrong on so, so many levels that I can't even go there. And I'd appreciate it if, in the future, if you didn't go there either, Mr. DuBois.

The prosecution will get to speak to the jury after the defense finishes it's platypus-ian closing statements. That should be interesting. Web-footed mammalian rebuttals. Stay tuned, won't ye?

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