Tats Gone Wild

I am fan of the tattoo. I am a fan of my tattoo. Tattoo. As in singular. As in "one tattoo". I'd like to get another, but I just can't figure out what to get because, unlike some people, I tend to put a bit of thought into something that I am going to be stuck with for the rest of my life. I'd like to enjoy it rather than regret it. It's not just my regret that concerns me. I'm also a bit (but not quite as much) concerned about what someone else (who would have to be privileged enough to see it, as I don't plan on it being in an easily accessible location) might think about it. If I was dating someone who had, say, a tattoo of the Alamo that covered their entire back with the phrase "Never Forget" tattooed underneath it, that would definitely effect my overall impression of the freaking weirdo person. And again, that's a concern of mine for a tattoo that the majority of people, provided all goes well, will not be seeing. Oh, how I wish that could be a concern for others who have joined the ranks of the tattooed.

Allow me to introduce you to a one Michael Campbell of Colorado. The folks over there at The Smoking Gun have provided a photographic history of Mr. Campbell's face and tattoo progression over the last 5 years. Mr. Campbell is a criminal who has been arrested numerous times for numerous offenses. Let's go back to 2003 when he was arrested for theft. His mugshots from that arrest are below.

Yeah, he's about what you'd expect. Those who make their living thieving other people's belongings tend to have a certain look to them. They're usually rather pasty looking (not out in the sun a lot, I guess. Must be all of that sneaking around at night to kife other people's things. Get a job, loser.), have a rather vacant gaze that always seems to be fixated on some far away, mysterious object, tend to be in need of some dental work and tend to sport poorly inked tattoos. You know the type. You were just looking at the type!

But somewhere along the line between 2003 and about six weeks ago in 2008, Mr. Campbell decided to kick it up a notch or two in the tattoo department. And at the same time, he also kicked it up a whole bunch of notches in the "menace to society" department and in the "I will never hold a job" department. There were not enough notched for the area that received the most obvious increase; that being the department of the mentally disturbed. Behold! A facially transformed criminal!

Oh, what the hell is that?! I'm sorry and excuse me for asking, Mr. Tough Guy, but is that a polka-dotted bow tie you are currently sporting on your neck, right about some sort of dog-demon creation? And the upside down pentagram right there on the top of your noggin? Brilliant. A stroke of sheer genius, I tell you. Oh, well, I don't need to tell you! You're the one who had it done, sir!

Are we sure that he didn't lose a bet? A BIG bet? Because what the hell? (Perhaps he was hanging out with the guy on the left here, whose face is covered in Magic Marker.) I've seen the heavily facially tattooed individuals before and none of them are attractive in the slightest way, but this guy has set a new low standard for how badly you can deface your face. It's like he had passed out and some guy on crack with a Magic Marker or two went to town. (That must have been why he went with the bow tie. You want to look pretty spiffy for a night on the town, don't you know?) Good Lord, sir. What in the hell is wrong with you?

Should mental health coverage for this individual be difficult to have approved? I'm thinking not. If that doesn't just scream out "I'm going to kill someone at some point and I'm getting closer and closer to that point!" I don't know what does. I am quite curious as to why he has not incorporated his ears into his masterpiece. They don't seem to have been branded yet and it gives him a rather freakish elf sort of look. Granted, with both ears not tattooed, it is symmetrical (I like symmetry), but it's really not enough for me to condone any of it. I just want to know why. (Here's my guess: He's too much of a pansy ass to stand the pain. The ears are rather thin and extremely sensitive. It would hurt. A lot. Wuss.)

Let's take a gander at some of the other little darlin's who have felt the need to improve upon the natural look of facial skin, shall we? We shall. (But before we do, I'm not saying that everyone with a full blown facial tattoo is a criminal or a freak. But y'all do have to admit, it's a little different and it's rather off-putting. But frankly, as long as you have a way to support yourself (that isn't through public assistance because you can't get a job looking like that), then have at it, I suppose. I think it's a huge mistake, but it's your face. If you want to treat it like a one-time use sketch pad, you can, but I'd advise against it. I'd especially advise against the one below. (Is that supposed to be some version of 'X marks the spot'? Here you are...MANVILLE! From the looks of it, he took a wrong turn at Idiotland.)

Below we have a one Curtis Allgier. Curtis is a white supremacist who was already serving time at the Utah State Prison when he allegedly shot and killed a corrections officer when he tried to escape back in June, 2007. In case some of the wording is difficult to read (and really, why wouldn't it be? It's writing on his face for cryin' out loud. Most people read books.), allow me. The very top of his forehead reads "Property of Jolene" (a statement which, I'm sure, makes Jolene very, very proud to have him as her "property") and the one underneath that reads, of course, "Skinhead". Under one eye is "5150" and under the other eye it reads "Style". Oh, yeah. Because you've got "style". Sure. Um, next....above his upper lip it reads "hatebreed" and on his chin is the summation of his disposition, the word "fun". And yes, that is Adolf Hitler inked into his chest there.

In case you were curious, here's a Before and After shot of Curtis that I put together.

I'm not sure what the look was that the chap below was going for. It's sort of like a lame Alice Cooper homage, but the key word there is "lame". It's also hard to tell from this particular photo whether or not he's attempting to sport the handlebar moustache, so he can join the ranks of the facially tattooed morons and the mustachioed facially tattooed morons.

This woman seemed to not be quite clear as to where she wanted her hair to end and her tattoo to begin. Or vice versa. I really couldn't tell you as I'm having trouble coming up with the words that would describe exactly what I'm thinking about this. I think it's just going to have to suffice for me to say that she's clearly a piece of work. Probably one in progress.



I don't know what the story is behind checkerboard head there. But I do know that if you're ever on a long car trip with him and you get bored, you can always use his head as a game board and pass the time after you've tired of the License Plate Game. Even with all of the little squares covering his face, he doesn't exactly strike me as looking like the sharpest tool in the shed. Seems a little vacant.

This is Bruce Potts. Bruce is sporting a lovely, multi-colored, full-face tribal tattoo. Bruce, in a surprising sort of way, teaches Public Speaking at the University of New Mexico. He says that, 'I have had very few negative reactions. People have been amazingly supportive." He also says that he hasn't "....had trouble getting a job, because success is all about how one presents him or herself and doesn't solely depend on appearance." Well, OK then. He has a job. He's good. He's different looking, but he's good.

And finally, there's this guy. This one I just don't get. It would appear that he has the words "Fuck you" tattooed there on the side of his neck. Either that or someone just scribbled that on there with a ballpoint pen, as that is really what it looks like. I'm not sure what the lines represent, but it does appear that he has little spikes coming out of the top of his bald melon there so perhaps they are the guidelines for when he's weaving potholders on his head or something like that. (You know, just in case the loom is out of service or whatever.) I'm not sure of what the purpose is. I do wish that was just ballpoint pen ink on there. (And I really wish he didn't have little spike-y things poking out of his head also.)

Why did he go with the 'hastily scrawled' font for the "FU"? It's definitely one of the many, many signs that perhaps he should have thought it through just a tad bit more. Five minutes. Anything, really. It's definitely not very friendly, either. Not friendly at all. Rushed and rude is what I get out of that. (Is that a built-in Bluetooth headset he's got going there? No? Hmmm. Maybe questions like that are what the "FU" is directed at, eh?)

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