Monday, December 15, 2008

The List of Complicated Lists

All I wanted to do was write a post about the Top 10 Google searches of 2008. How hard could that possibly be? Well, I should have known that while it would be simple to get A Top 10 list, that wouldn't necessarily mean that I would only have ONE to choose from. And God bless those Google boys, because I just love 'em, but must everything they do be so danged all encompassing? There needs to be an option on the Google home page for what kind of search you'd like to perform. Retard, Basic, Normal, Advanced, Geek, and Google-boy. Then the number and variety of your results would be filtered and you would come up with something that you didn't have to sift through (unless you're a sifter and enjoy a daily sifting. Some do. Who am I to judge?)

Ah, but then I found the Google Zeitgeist (bless you) 2008. A "zeitgeist" is defined as "the general intellectual, moral, and cultural climate of an era." Google, however, defines "zeitgeist" as "the spirit of the times." That's a little simpler, but it sounds kinda folksy. And when Sarah Palin didn't win and went back to Alaska, folksy went back with her. But if you're speaking strictly of that "spirit" Google says that they "reveal this spirit through the aggregation of millions of search queries we receive every day." How spirited of them, yes? Well, let's get into that spirit and start listing zeitgeists (or something like that). Here we go...

The 10 Fastest Rising Searches Globally:
  • 10. Jonas Brothers
  • 9. Euro 2008
  • 8. Wer Kennt Wen
  • 7. Nasza Klasa
  • 6. Obama
  • 5. Heath Ledger
  • 4. Tuenti
  • 3. Facebook login
  • 2. Beijing 2008

And the Number One Fastest Rising Search around the world was for:

  • 1. Sarah Palin

OK, I even don't know what half of those are.


  • Wer Kennt Wen is apparently a German social networking site. (Wow. I would have expected it to be Chinese or Indian, because there are a heck of a lot of people in those countries and that would make sense for it to be the Number 8 search around the world. But Germany? Really? Who knew?)

  • Nasza Klasa is a large social networking platform for people in Poland. (Again, who knew? Aside from the people in Poland. Anyone? Anyone? I thought so.)

  • Tuenti is a what? A social networking site, that is correct! It's out of Madrid and it's been called what? The Spanish Facebook, that is also correct! (Now, how come Tuenti is the Spanish Facebook, but Wer Kennt Wen isn't the "German Facebook" and Nasza Klasa isn't the "Polish Facebook"? That I don't get at all.)

Another thing I don't get (that's actually related to this post) is Number Three, "Facebook login". Perhaps all of these folks who are doing a search for "Facebook login" should make their next search terms be "bookmarks for your web browser". I don't get it. That many people would rather take the time to go through Google and search for "Facebook login" than they would just, on a whim of fancy, try Facebook dot com and see what the heck happens? I'm confused. Not as confused as those folks, but confused none the less. (Don't get me wrong. I know there are a ton of morons out there. But now they're morons with computers and they're trying to find Facebook. That means they'll be able to socially network with other computer using morons! Naturally, their headquarters will be located where? Florida, that is correct.)

What else do we have for 2008 searches? The questions, oh, the questions! The "What is?" The "Who is?" The "How to"? All of which are presumably asked by people who can't find Facebook to login. Let's see how they fared in these categories, shall we?

Top Ten Google Searches Asking "What Is....."?

  • 10. Art
  • 9. 3g
  • 8. Lupus
  • 7. Autism
  • 6. Scientology
  • 5. RSS
  • 4. SAP
  • 3. JAVA
  • 2. Life
  • 1. Love
More people want to know what love is than want to know what life is. That's telling. It's also amusing that the top "What is" question is one that doesn't really have an answer. Which leads me to the alternate number one question: "Why bother?" (With the question, that is. Go ahead and bother with love all you want. I hear it's fabulous. Actually, I kid. It is absolutely fabulous. )

The Top Ten Google Searches Asking "Who is....?"

  • 10. Martin Luther
  • 9. Biden
  • 8. Chris Brown
  • 7. Jonas Brothers
  • 6. Dolla
  • 5. Miley Cyrus
  • 4. Lil Wayne
  • 3. Palin
  • 2. McCain
  • 1. Obama

Wow. How I envy those who had to ask who Miley Cyrus was. What a life you people must lead! I am definitely jealous of that. (I really wish that the Lil Wayne question had been "Just how lil is he? What are we talking about? One foot? Two feet? Six inches? How lil?)

Top Ten Google Searches asking "How to...?"

  • 10. Spell
  • 9. Paint
  • 8. Cite
  • 7. Run
  • 6. Hack
  • 5. Tie
  • 4. Cook
  • 3. Write
  • 2. Kiss
  • 1. Draw

You people want to know what love is so badly that you made it Number One up there, but "How to kiss" is only Number Two on this list?! I'm not saying that knowing how to kiss is going to help you figure out what love is, but it isn't going to hurt. I'm just saying. Because if you can't kiss, you're going to have a hard time finding a date, let alone finding out what love is.

For the Top Ten Sports Searches of 2008, they only listed 5 teams for each of the five semi-major sports. (Come on! Soccer?!?! It's hardly a major sport in the US unless you're 11.) Here are the Top Five Baseball Team Searches for 2008:

  • 5. Mets
  • 4. Phillies
  • 3. Cubs
  • 2. Yankees
  • 1. Red Sox (Yes, I listed the baseball ones just for you. I couldn't list the football ones! My Niners weren't on it!)

Here's what I find the most fascinating about all of these end of the year lists. From what I can tell, the Internet serves three general purposes and/or functions. Those three things are 1) News and Information, b) Social Networking (apparently, given the lists above) and 3) Porn. Porn, porn, porn! That's all you ever hear about and it's half of what you see online! Porn! Yet there is no mention whatsoever in any of these lists about porn. (Go ahead. If you want to call "social networking" the same as "porn" you can. I'll still think you're a moron, but you can call it that if you'd like. Moron.) I mean, my question right now is the same question that I would have thought would have been the Number One Question! That would be "Where's the porn?!" Seriously! I did a Google Image Search for "Google Searches" and what was my first result? THIS:

I'll be more interested in the Google Zeitgeist (bless you) during a non-election year because so many things were centered around that and all it involved. (Take one hot Governor from the middle of the frozen tundra, spoof her up on Saturday Night Live for a few weeks and the next thing you know? BAM! Suddenly everyone has election fever!) Of course, that won't be for another year and by then, I'm sure that Google will have tweaked their Zeitgeist (bless you) to where it will show us what our own personal Top Ten searches were. THEN we'll see the search results for all of the porn. I guarantee it.


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