Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Best List of All the Lists

Not only do I love a good list, I love craigslist. If nothing else, it definitely brings out those in society whom you would otherwise never encounter. Sometimes, that's a good thing (a very good thing). Other times, well, I get the feeling like we might be missing out. Not on much, mind you, but something. Probably some short lived humor that would wear thin after about five minutes. Tops.

I'm also pretty sure that the people behind some of the posts on craigslist would make for an interesting documentary of some sort and if I can ever figure out a way to put something like that together in a coherent fashion, by God, I'm going to. Again, if nothing else, it would certainly amuse me. There is a section of craigslist that I get the feeling not a lot of people know about. (NO. Not the erotic and exotic services. EVERYONE knows about those and EVERYONE pretends not to. Well aware. Well. Aware.) Over on the left hand side of your main page, there are a bunch of different links and one of them is for my favorite feature, "Best of Craigslist". The cream of the crop of the wild, the odd, the wacky, the inexplicable postings that have made it onto craigslist at one point or another rise to the top and are placed in the "Best of Craigslist" section as an homage to their brilliance.


Thus, I present to you a sampling of some most excellent posts from craigslist. (I did not edit/correct the spelling and punctuation in the posts and it damn near killed me. But I figured that you really have to read them just exactly how they were wrote and posted. It adds to the humor. It also adds greatly to the mental images you will, no doubt, come up with in your mind as to what some of these folk look like.)

Date: 2008-04-17, 2:31PM MDT

three pink plastic lawn flamingos, the momma, the daddy and two babies. in good shape except the momma has a bullet hole. will trade for a good dog or weed eater, will also consider any kind of alcohol as long as it ain't been opened up.

And they even included a picture of the fam! See?! Come on! How great is that!? As I was flipping through the various craigslist sections tonight, a few postings jumped out at me. Mostly because...well, they're either really ridiculous or just really funny. Though there are the ones that have me wondering how in the hell the person who posted it even figured out how to turn their computer on to do so. They just don't seem like the brightest bulb on the tree, you know?

********
Date: 2008-11-20, 10:25AM PST

HI everyone, i need help editing my paper i am a student and the paper is only 2 pages...4 double spaced (the way it will come to you) If someone could help me I'd appreciate it preferably someone with an English background. I also need this done as fast as possible my class starts at 1130. Thanks

Oh, well, I'm glad that the dude planned ahead and gave any potential respondents an hour and five minutes before he had to be IN class!

******
Date: 2008-11-20, 12:15AM PST

Need someone who is currently in college or high school.. that had finished calculus(I) with atlease (A-) grade. I need your math skill for a few hours. to help with some math problems. Will pay you in cash for your time

The poster could also use your "English skill". I like how he's not overly choosy, just as long as the person is currently enrolled in some sort of educational system. High school or college. So, 15 or 45. Whatever, just as long as you know your stuff.
******
Date: 2008-11-17, 12:46AM PST

I am looking for someone to write a creative recommendation letter for me. It can be completely fictional, filled with embellishments. The most important aspect is that the letter be creative.
This could be perfect for someone who is in human resources or in an admissions review position and has a ton of fun letters they've seen.


I wish the poster had specified what is was that he was needing to be recommended for. Filled with embellishments. I like that. (Translation: Lie your ass off PLEASE!) A ton of fun letters that they've seen. Clearly, this individual has had NO experience IN human resources.

******
Date: 2008-11-15, 10:06AM PST

I need a business plan tell me what is your fee.

No wonder this guy needs a business plan. He can barely write the post. Can you imagine his struggles with the business plan itself? Brevity is not always the best solution.
******
Date: 2008-11-14, 1:17PM PST

I am writing a Book on Obama. It will become either a fact related or a" If " related story. I am a good movie maker back in India. For last many years working as a Project manager. Writing skills particularly in English has deteriorated. If you are really creative and inspiring we will co author the book. I have some publishers who have shown interest in the book.The profit , we will make out of that will be shared.

If you do not have instincts at least in this subject , i will give the base line and basics of the story / article and you will have to develop. I will pay for it depending on your skill and contribution.

I am straightforward & ethical person had 11 employees in India and they were happy to work with me and still in touch today, too.

I have a registered company and you will get a certificate for your future employment or academics.

thisis a writing job , so remote working is possible. Will talk more after receiving your reply and preferably original writing sample. One of my friend also want some one to write good professional letters to companies to market a product.

-- Raj xxx xxx xxxx after 9 p.m. only

"The Grand essentials of happiness are something to do Something to love and something to hope for. "

It will either be fact related or NOT. Oh, but it's about Obama (who, last time I checked, WAS fact related and has facts that are related to HIM.) I really liked how flexible the guy is. If you don't have any instincts for a book that may or may not be about Obama, he'll give you something else to do!

******
Date: 2008-12-03, 2:52PM PST

I'm looking to hire someone with a monkey to visit my house and show off their pet monkey for half hour or so. I have someone who's always wanted to meet a monkey and I thought it might make a nice Christmas gift. I can't find a place through Google, hence this shot in the dark. Also, I know monkeys bite and can be rambunctious so I absolve you and monkey of any biting or trashing of my house the monkey may do.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsCompensation: $150

This is quite possibly the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. It seems so sincere. I'm dying to know if it is. I might have to send a response. First, I'll need to do a little research on monkeys. But once I'm all monkeyed up, well, then the fun shall begin.
******
Date: 2008-12-05, 9:35AM PST

I am making a movie, and I wanted to have a couple interesting skull or unique morbid screen prints. I bought an outfit for actress that ended up turning down the movie, but I realized it would be better to have a print I can make on several shirts, so that I have the usage rights but also because there going to be getting messy a lot in the movie. So I can make several of the same outfit. This would have to be done this next week.

Of course you would be credited too, and get a lot of screentime as they don't change outfits much. I don't have the setup to screenprint, so I would have to ask you to do it or I would have to go to a business that does it.

And don't worry it's just for the movie, I won't run with your design.

I don't understand what this chap wants. A couple of skull? Why not plural? And how exactly are...whatever it is getting messy in this movie of his? I'm intrigued.

******

Date: 2008-12-03, 6:47PM PST

I'm in San Francisco and am very much part of the web 2.0/social media circus and...it seems like a natural extension to look at starting a podcast about...something.
I got a European accent so you'd have to be comfortable with that :)
I can't decide on topic...maybe we could brainstorm?
For instance, I love Twitter, Yelp, gadgets, etc and am also an avid gamer (PC) of MMORPGS, Strategy, FPS, etc.
So, got some experience and want to team up to find a corner of the podcasting world we can conquer!? :)
Sounds like it could be fun?

The dude wants to podcast about something. Anything. He doesn't seem real particular and is open to suggestions, as long as you can deal with his European accent. I've had to deal with a lot worse than someone's accent, but I don't know if I've ever had to deal with anything worse than a podcaster who doesn't know what they want to podcast. That would be trying.

******
Looking for the lead female role for our movie ASAP (San Francisco)

Date: 2008-12-02, 7:41PM PST

The movie's called Aberrant Behavior, a term the Motion Picture Association of America uses to describe any content in a film that isn't classifiable as violence or sexuality but is bizarre enough to warrant a severe rating and this one has tons of it. It's about two street kids suffering from pica, a rare psychological disorder that, in real life, compels people to ingest things that aren't actually edible like dirt, coffee grounds, nails, etc. But we take it to a fantastical level with the main characters getting high off anything they can get their hands on like drano, bleach, antifreeze, etc. and use it as a metaphor for drug addiction and alcoholism. The main characters fall into a codependent and self destructive relationship using each other to exercise their demons of alienation from society but ultimately destroy themselves in the end. Think Leaving Las Vegas if it was a Troma film, Sid and Nancy on acid...you get the picture.

I'm going to assume they mean a fanatical level and not a fantastical level. It may be fantastic, who knows? But I don't know if that's the word they wanted. And as far as the street kids getting high off of anything they can ingest and calling that a metaphor? Yeah, see, it's not so much of a metaphor when it is what it is. But it sounds fascinating. Aberrant, definitely.

******
Date: 2008-12-02, 3:07PM PST

I am looking for some snails or slugs from somebody's garden, for an art project. They will not be harmed in anyway and will be returned just as they were. Let me know if you can help!
If you would like to charge a small fee for the use of your snails or slugs, please let me know. I am open to that.

I can assist this person as long as they are in need of snails. There are a bazillion over here and every single one of them is gross and disgusting. Take them all. Please! And I do not want them back, thanks!
******
Date: 2008-12-05, 4:48PM PST

helllo i am going to take Algebra 2 next semester, and need help alot. i am a 19 year old man, and am looking for a hot women tutor age 18 to 30. i am tired of all those old tutors. will need help once a week. and i can come to you for help. so contact me soon so i can get ready for the semester
Compensation: we will talk about it


I'll give the guy points for creativity and not just for spelling 'hello' with three L's, either. "I am tired of all those old tutors." I hear you, dude. I hear you.
******
Date: 2008-11-30, 5:06PM PST

i need an official appraisal of my house for the city so that i can claim my house is now worth 500k rather than the 720k that the city says its worth, so i can reduce my property tax payment. let me know when you can do this and what your rate is.

Yes, please let the guy know what your rate is for fraud.

I love craigslist.

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2 comments:

Eileen said...

I have two pet monkeys and I get requests like that every once in while. I wouldn't allow someone to come to my home to see my monkeys, but have referred them to some persons with USDA license that do encounters. Its their business. So yes, people do ask this of others.

Mare said...

Wow. Really? You should contact the guy, as he seems sincere in his desire to share a monkey with his friend for Christmas.

I'm going to have to look into what sort of 'encounters' a USDA license would cover, as I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn that I have never heard of such a thing. I don't doubt that it exists (why would you lie?), I just haven't heard of it.

Very interesting. Thanks!