Wednesday, December 3, 2008

It's a Recession! Everybody Have Sex!

Today, what many people have known for quite some time (and what others have been trying to avoid accepting as fact) was officially confirmed: The United States is in a recession. (In other news, water? Still wet. The sun? Still hot. Back to you.)

Oh, and this recession didn't just pop up the other day or anything. No, apparently, the US has been in troubled times far longer than we were aware! We've been destitute since December 2007! The nerve of them not telling us for an entire year! We wasted 12 months of panic time! We've just lost an entire year of over-hyped media coverage portraying the situation as ten times worse than it is! That's stuff we'll never get back, you know. Never. It's gone. Those days are over, my friend.

And it's not just in the US where problems are just running amok. Britain isn't having all that great of a time either (despite being called "Great Britain"! The irony!). But if the British papers are any indication of how the Brits are coping with their own economic debacle, it comes down to two things: Humor and sex. (Sometimes, those are easily one and the same. But this time they really are two separate subjects!)

Over there at The Sun, we learn about a one Andrew Shaffer, an artist who says that, “Humour is essential to make it through tough times." (Again, just a reminder, this is separate from the sex! That's not what Andrew is referring to here. Hard for some to imagine, I know!) So Andrew has created some greeting cards with themes straight from the Great Depression! Wait. What?

He designed this fine card, guaranteed to make any destitute acquaintance of yours have a good laugh, just before his home is foreclosed on.

He also designed this winner, giving the recipient a moment to pause and reflect upon what their life without solid food will be like.

Right about then is when I got off on my little sex tangent. (It doesn't take much. Obviously, if I ended up there after reading Great Depression cards.) In the sidebar of "Interesting Stories" was a link that read "Top Ten Reasons to Have Sex". (There are nine other reasons besides "It's SEX, for cryin' out loud!"? Who knew?) Who the heck needs reasons? (I barely need permission!)

I didn't bother to click on it. (Again, no need for reasons. "I want to have sex" is reason enough.). But I did want to read about where sex fits in during these troubled, troubled economic times. And according to The Sun, if you're in Britain (and The Sun is, so you'd think they'd probably know), "Britain humps through slump." Dear God, I love the foreign press.

They make that statement based upon the recent revelation that sales of condoms have really gone up. (Yeah, yeah, pun intended. What hasn't gone up? Not much if they're buying all of those condoms!) "Experts reckon the reason is that a night in under the covers is cheaper than a night on the tiles." (It's also much more comfortable that way as well. Tile is cold and you're always slipping around or getting your head knocked into the side of the tub when you're....never mind. What were they saying about condoms?) Another expert surmised that "...another reason was that people were becoming concerned they couldn’t afford more kids." Oh, can we only hope and pray that concern spreads to the US? Soon! Please?! What a novel thought! Being able to afford the children that you expel out of your uterus when the creatures are done using you as their alien host. Brilliant!

And this "stay at home and have sex instead of going out" theory isn't just based on the fact that condom sales have increased. "Further proof is our tea light candles are up 50 per cent, champagne 20 per cent and oysters eight per cent and slippers and dressing gowns 22 per cent.” Wow. So not only are these guys staying home instead of taking their potential sexual partner out, these guys are having to convince their partner at home as well! Always a trade off, I suppose. (But here's a tip guys: Chicks aren't that into oysters. They look like snot. And they don't taste much better. Slurping down a shellfull of snot is not going to get many ladies "in the mood". Just so you know.)

According to an adult retail establishment in London, Private Shops, sales have been phenomenal lately and they are attributing it to the crappy economy. Seems Londoners are now staying in and doing it a whole lot more than when they had a bunch of money to toss around. And what money they do have, they're spending on "accessories" for their romping. According to a one Sally Barker ”With all the uncertainty over jobs, mortgages and savings, men are clearly turning to sex to have some fun." How nice. Now if only the women could have a little fun at the same time,eh? ”Our London outlets have seen the biggest sales spike. We've had to bring in extra supplies to cope. Sales are up 420 percent across the capital." Holy crap! 420 percent?! What are they buying? Sex can be fairly accessory-free (for the most part. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for a little accessorizing. I'm just pointing out the frugal aspects during these troubled, troubled times.). ”French maid and fireman outfits, nurses uniforms, rubber and leather - they are all flying out of the stores." Wow! Flying nurses in rubber and leather?! That must be a sight! (Why am I reminded of the Wizard of Oz? Fireman and nurses and maids! Oh, my!) Oh, my indeed.

Another headline in The Sun that caught my eye read: "Pair having sex in the woods were beaten by shaven headed yobs." Good Lord, I don't even know what a "shaven headed yob" is, but it doesn't sound good. And while I may be in the dark about that, I do know what being beaten is and I know that isn't good! The photo below accompanied the story and had the following caption beneath it: "Attacked - Keely Hill was attacked while romping." There ya go! Tell it like it is, Sun guys!

And finally, just when things seemed to be going so well during the times of recession in the land of British sex, I then had to read the whole dealio of the guy who had sex with a horse! But again, The Sun does not disappoint as they inform us that "A PERVERT has been jailed for having sex for a second time with the same HORSE." I found it interesting that they chose to capitalize both "pervert" and "horse", as I would have thought that the emphasis would have been on something like "second time." Having sex with a horse, in and of itself (not literally, for God sakes!), implies that someone is, in fact, a pervert (as does have sex with a horse the first time, but we needn't quibble). Emphasize the "second time" and now you've painted a picture of a whole different kind of pervert. The kind that's all stable-rific.

Oh, but about the pervert. It would seem that one pervert, a 46-year old Leeroy Le Gallais had been on probation for "molesting a gelding." (He was caught after leaving his underwear in the stable of a horse named Calico. See, that's the one good thing about perverts. They're not real bright. Makes it easier to catch them and that gets all of us one step closer to having our street pervert free!) "But the drunken weirdo returned and committed further indecencies with the same horse."

I would pay good money for one, just one, US newspaper to use "the drunken weirdo" in a story. (You want people to read what you write? String some words like those together and you're off to a good start.)

"Calico’s owner found a mounting stool (My God! They have special stools for that in Britain?!) next to the animal the next morning. Calico was also “box walking” — moving sideways — a sign of stress." (It is also the sign of an unfortunate encounter with a drunken weirdo, it would appear.) "Le Gallais said he meant to go home but went and “played around” with Calico." Meant to go home?! But instead your found yourself fornicating with an equine beast?!?! It's hard for me to imagine how those two things ended up as options for one another! Look, I went to the store the other day and I meant to get Diet Coke, but I mistakenly ended up getting regular Coke instead. See how that works? I didn't go to the store and mean to get Diet Coke but ended up fornicating with a horse instead!!

"He admitted having sex with a horse and was jailed for three years." Well, at least there was a semi-happy ending. Well, probably not for the horse.

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