Monday, December 1, 2008

Flori-duh Duhs It Again

Well, they don't call it Flori-duh for nothing. You know, when this country was founded, it would seem as if those founding guys didn't think that everyone was qualified to vote in elections. (I make that assumption based upon how only males who owned land were allowed to vote at first. They couldn't let the women vote! God forbid! Who knows what those females might start voting for, eh? Some sort of kinder, more gentler nation or some kind of crap like that.) It would also seem as if those founding guys might have known something that we didn't. (They really should have left us better notes.) They either innately knew that everyone wasn't qualified to vote or they had a vision of what Flori-duh would become some day (a debacle that if they really had foreseen the situation there, they should have just let Spain keep the darn thing).

Those in Duval County in Florida seemed to, oh, let's say "go against the flow" when it came to voting for their choice for President of the United States. I really don't see how the election process in this country can be all that complicated. You go into the booth with your ballot. You look at your ballot with the choices that you have to select from. (Your choices will also be written in just about any damn language that you would like them to be in. That's because you're only allowed to vote in this country if you are a legal citizen. And you can't become a legal citizen of this country if you do not read, write and speak English. Thus, since everyone who is voting should be able to read and write English and there is no need for ballots in any language other than English, they make sure to print ballots in every language under the sun. Because that makes sense. Usually this is where I twist off, but the campaigns dragged on for so damn long this year, I'm just too tired to twist right now. Maybe later.) And then you mark your box and you're done! Oh, if only it were that easy for the Flori-duh residents.

Can we all say "hanging chad"? Of course we can. My point. Oh, and I do realize that there may be those of you who are from Flori-duh who are reading this right now (or having it read to you because...well...you know...). Therefore, I'll type slower. Moving on....

There is a spot on the ballot for a "write-in candidate". The thing is, in order for your vote for a "write-in candidate" to count, the "write-in candidate" has to be registered. If they're not registered, your vote for someone who was never going to be elected in the first place(but who you wanted to vote for to make a point or a statement or some other Flori-duh rationale) doesn't count. And like I just implied, it wouldn't matter if it did count. When you have two guys who are the candidates for the two major parties and who are going to be receiving millions of votes nationwide, your one vote for your dog isn't going to matter even if you had managed to register Spot as an official write-in candidate. But of course, that was never going to happen in the first place. (Mainly because Spot wouldn't tell you how to spell his name on the form.)

And I guess that some of the Flori-duh voters felt the need to write-in their votes for a wide variety of unregistered write-in candidates for President. Candidates such as Stephen Colbert and George W. Bush. Wait. What?

Never mind the Colbert vote. Bush?! Yes, Bush. Two Duval County, Flori-duh voters cast their vote for George W. Bush to serve a third term. Never mind the fact that he can't serve a third term. Who in the hell would want him to serve a third term?! Who are you people?

Other unregistered write-in candidates receiving votes (but not as many as Colbert or W. Thus, one vote each.) from Flori-duh voters were :
  • Joe the Plumber (Good Lord, people...)
  • John Doe (Shouldn't that have been John D-oh!)
  • Bill Clinton
  • Theodore Roosevelt
  • Bill O'Reilly
  • Tiger Woods
  • Bobby Bowden
  • Tommy Chong (Only if Cheech is Veep!)
  • Willie Nelson
  • Homer Simpson
Theodore Roosevelt?!!? Who in the hell in Flori-duh even knows who Theodore Roosevelt WAS?!?! And Homer Simpson? Good Lord sir or ma'am, you are a bloody idiot. That's not even cute. It's just ridiculously stupid. How did you even manage to find your polling place that day is what I want to know? And you have to be at least 18 to vote, right? Sure. How has that person managed to keep himself alive for at least 18 years when they're so obviously incompetent? It's a mystery.

Some of the other write-in votes that voters wrote in were:


  • They Both Suck '08
  • May the best man win
  • None (anarchy) (The anarchy notation can be taken to mean one of three things. 1) They didn't want a candidate, they wanted anarchy, 2) They wrote in "none" when there is obviously a box that says "None" which you can select, so they felt they were being anarchical by going against that "rule", or 3) They're just a freaking moron.)

The unregistered write-in candidate garnering the most votes was Hillary Clinton (whose name is among the many, many misspellings in the article over there at the fab-ulous website of WJXT in Jacksonville, Flori-duh. ::::sigh:::: Oh, well, at least they fit the narrative.). She managed to get 234 votes over there in Duval County. That's 211 more votes than the two candidates who tied at 23 votes each. Those two? Jesus and "None of the Above". Um...."None of the Above" was voted for the same number of times that Jesus Christ was voted for? Huh. That would seem to indicate that Flori-duh is going to hell.

Who else received write-in votes from the hillbilly mecca of the universe? Well, there are those who are more of a statement or an opinion than they are a candidate. (Like the statement made by the person who wrote in their choice for "Hilary Bush". That's a statement all right.) Those would include:

  • Intentionally left blank

  • Undecided

  • Abstain

  • Against All

Cartoon (or other cartoon-ish and fictional)characters as the preferred leader (for some) to lead this fine country included:

  • Donald Duck (Donald Duck never wore pants. Pantsless-ness in the Presidency was already a problem in one administration. I don't think we need another guy who has an aversion to a nice trouser.)



  • Mickey Mouse (Mickey had a myriad of costumes, but in general, he never had on a shirt and just wore those red shorts. Again, it's just asking for trouble over there in the White House, what with all of those interns still running around.)





  • Pago Possum (which I believe is supposed to read "Pogo Possum", but I'll just add that to the list of misspellings in the news story)







  • Bugs Bunny (As if he needed to one up both Donald and Mickey, Bugs Bunny wore NO clothes.)
  • Alfred E. Newman
  • Mr. Bill

Celebrity write-in votes were cast for:

  • Bill Cosby (Bill Cosby? What the hell?)
  • Bill Nye (the Science Guy)
  • Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.)
  • Morgan Freeman (Huh?)
  • Oprah (I'm surprised she only managed one vote)
  • Weird Al Yancovic (this voter must be related to the voter who wanted Bill Cosby. Both of 'em, stuck in the 80s.)

Yeah, I had never really given a lot of thought about whether or not everyone should have the right to vote, but I'm giving it a lot of thought now!

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