Why Women Cook And Men Barbeque

About a week or so ago, I posted a picture of the cover of the game of Battleship. It was clearly the original cover version, as it had the dad and the son playing Battleship at the table while the mom and the daughter happily did dishes in the background. Naturally, that image resulted in a couple of very unfortunate comments (Scott and Mark) about women and kitchens and sandwiches. And since I really have a soft spot for both of those guys, this is for them. Enjoy!

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Say Cheese!

KFC has apparently started an ridiculous trend in restaurant fare, but they didn't do it intentionally. In fact, while I notice that KFC is being blamed for this trend, the alleged trend followers really aren't quite doing it right. That's mainly because KFC's idea was ingenious and the other guys...well, they're just grasping at straws, basically.

See, KFC introduced the Double Down sandwich a little while ago. It's a masterpiece of culinary delights. The genius of the sandwich is that there is no pesky bread to get in the way. That's right. No bread. Instead of bread, the Double Down utilizes two pieces of boneless chicken in place of the bun. In place of the "meat" of the sandwich, there are two pieces of bacon, a slice of melted Monterey Jack cheese, a slice of melted pepper jack cheese and a glob of something called Colonel's Sauce (which appears to be some sort of mayonnaise based goo that is slathered generously between the chicken pieces). What's not to love? Nothing, that's what. You love it all.

Burger joint Friendly's tried their own version of the Double Down by coming out with the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt. I don't know why BurgerMelt is one word. I don't know why it's called a 'melt' at all, really. What they have is their Friendly's Big Beef burger, but instead of a bun, they use grilled cheese sandwiches. Behold!

Good Lord. I can't tell if that looks delicious or disgusting. I'm leaning more toward disgusting. I'm definitely on the side of unnecessary. The thing is, it is nothing like the Double Down. The point of the Double Down was NO BUN. Clearly, the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt has a bun. It's a bun with cheese in the middle of it, but it's a bun. NOT the same.

Carl's Jr. is even working on something called the Footlong Cheeseburger. It is just what it sounds like it is. It's a cheeseburger that's a foot long. It look positive disgusting, not to mention incredibly ridiculous. Behold!

Is there some sort of a reason why they just wouldn't make a really wide round burger? You know, the way that burgers are supposed to look? I don't get it, but good luck with that Carl's Jr. Good luck with that.

Now Denny's has decided to get in on the act. According to Nation's Restaurant News the Fried Cheese Melt is "...made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread. It is served with French fries and a side of marinara sauce." Wait. It's what? Between what? And you're supposed to eat it? For reals? For reals. Behold!

Wow. OK, then. I would have liked it if they had kicked it up a notch and made the bread two grilled cheese sandwiches. That would really helped the heart disease to kick in super fast. And don't get me wrong. I enjoy cheese as much as the next person. (Seriously, what's not to love. It's cheese, for cryin' out loud.) But this just isn't going to work.

You know as well as I do that the thought of deep fried mozzarella sticks is a fabulous idea. But if you don't bite into one of those things within about 5 seconds of having them served to you, it's all over. Aside from the fact that the cheese solidifies way too fast, you can't eat it when it's at the tongue scalding temperature that they are intended to be enjoyed at. And here enters the conundrum. If you don't eat them right away because you don't want to burn off all of your taste buds (not to mention the majority of your tongue flesh), then the breading starts to get soggy. Have you ever tried to reheat a deep fried mozzarella stick? It's disgusting. It's like someone rolled some string cheese in a soggy piece of Wonder Bread.

And I anticipate that this sandwich will be similar to that. The mozzarella cheese breading will become immediately soggy, rendering the sandwich into a simply disgusting and completely inedible pile of goo with a gross breaded center. Someone really should have thought this one through a little bit more. Then again, it's Denny's. There are a lot of things that they should have thought through a little bit more.

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Stop Using Food As A Weapon

Quite frankly, I'm embarrassed to be the one to tell you this, but it has finally happened. That's right. IT. And it didn't take all that long, either. Yep, just a few short months for the Florida food as a weapon of choice trifecta to be completed. Wait. What?

People who live in the Southern states are referred to as "Southerners" or they are referred to by the state that they are living in. So people from Alabama are "Alabamans". People from Mississippi are "Mississippians". Thus, people from Florida are what? Morons, that is correct.

Meet Matthew Rubin, the final piece of the Florida Food Trifecta. According to 10Connects.com in Tampa Bay, Mr. Rubin was arrested after he "threw the sandwich at his girlfriend's face during an argument. Rubin then hit the top of her head with his fist before taking off". So first he mistakes her face for a waste receptacle in which to forcibly discard his sandwich and then he mistakes her head for one of those Whack-A-Mole moles and gives her a hearty thump on top of the ol' melon. Nice catch there, sweetie. Your parents must be so proud. And hopeful for your future, too! ::::sigh::::

The police report also states that "Rubin admitted to throwing the food, but not hitting her. He was arrested Friday and faces a battery charge." Right. Because hitting her would be wrong. Luncheon meat hurling? (Which I hear will be an Olympic event in 2012.) Perfectly acceptable.

But here's where things start to get weird. Or they finish getting weird. Hard to say which one, but its probably both. Mr. Rubin is the third, yes third, the third person in Florida in just over a month to be arrested for throwing a sandwich at his girlfriend. So, by definition of the word "third", that means that two other individuals, presumably from a gene pool that closely resembles that of Mr. Rubin, threw their sandwich at their girlfriend AND were arrested for it.

10Connects.com had also reported the story of a one Vincent Gonzalez, a 22-year old who is unwilling to control his temper and who has an apparent dislike for cheeseburgers as a food item, but holds a fondness for them as weaponry. According to the police report, Mr. Gonzalez and his girlfriend (who is just as proud as can be to be his woman, I'm sure!) "....got into an argument as they sat in a car in front of their home." I do wonder what they were arguing about, as those with walnut sized brains could be capable of arguing about just about anything and I really want to know how stupid it was.

And while we don't learn what the initial argument was about, we get an idea of where it went as we learn that "Gonzalez would not let her out of the vehicle so the woman threw his drink out of the car. In response, Gonzalez allegedly grabbed her arm and smashed the cheeseburger into her face." I see. That seems like just a tad bit of overreacting there, sir. And ma'am, don't do things like that. I'm not saying you asked for it and I'm certainly not saying you deserved it. But one of the two of you is going to have to pretend like they're the grown-up in your relationship and throwing his drink out the window (when he was no doubt quite parched. After all, it is Flori-duh, it's very humid down there.) is not the way to do that.

But that's not all! Before either Matthew or Vincent decided to become sandwich throwers, there was 19 year old Emmanuelle Rodriguez who "...was riding with his girlfriend...when he became angry as she drove and hit her in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off." And strangely enough (and as you just read) the weapon of choice was the beloved sandwich. What is up with that? You might be mad as hell, but it's still food! There's no need to waste!

And as if that wasn't enough, "The victim nearly lost control of the car because she couldn't see the road and Rodriguez then allegedly ripped off the rear-view mirror and used it to shatter the windshield." After that, she managed to exit the Interstate and "...told him to get out, leaving him for his mother to pick him up." Nice. The police report also said that "Rodriguez admitted to police that they were arguing and he didn't want to hit her, so he threw a sandwich in her face instead." Of course. Because that would be better. How that is better than, say, not hitting her with anything at all is hard to tell. Oh, did I mention that their 7-month old son was in the car at the time? Yeah, he was. OK then.

Sure. That seems normal. In fact, I was just about to ask, "I wonder why he didn't just rip off the rear-view mirror and bash in the windshield with that? That seems like the only logical thing to do in that situation." (Careful! Don't want to get any of that sarcasm that's oozing from that last sentence all over you. It's hard to get out and sometimes stains.) What is wrong with you, sir?! Actually, never mind. Screw you. You're a hopeless sandwich hurler. What is wrong with you, ma'am? What on Earth are you doing with Tempery Temperson over there? Leave! Leave now! Find your glasses amid the crushed glass of the windshield, wipe off the smeared condiments, gather your things and leave!! You can do better! We ALL can do better than HIM!

And as weird as all of this is, it's about to get weirder. These three are just the sandwich hurlers.(Kind of like The Three Amigos, only without the hats and fringe.) In 2008, there were scads of assaults in Flori-duh with the weapon of choice being a food item OR with the reason for the assault being a food item. Go figure. Oh, wait. They're from Flori-duh. They can't figure. Never mind. The Flori-duh Food Arsenal of 2008 was stocked with:

• Hot sweet potato pie, which a man in Indiantown, FL "threw....in his girlfriend's face on Thanksgiving because he didn't like the food."


• 3-pound package of Polish sausage, which a man in DeLand, FL "threw at his mother's head." Authorities said that alcohol may have been involved. (Shocker!)


• In Fort Pierce, FL. a man did not like it when his girlfriend opened his cans of sardines and Vienna sausages and proceeded to "punch her over the head several times."


• In Tallahassee, "A customer unhappy when his fish sandwich came with tartar sauce rather than ketchup started a confrontation that escalated from a shouting match to a fight to a bump-and-go car chase to a machete attack."


• In Orlando, "A woman who was upset because her french fries were cold allegedly shot out a window at a McDonald's."

What the hell, Florida? What the hell?

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It's Easily Explained

Sometimes, people try to explain what may seem like the inexplicable by stating that it is just that; unable to be explained. That's unfortunate because in many such cases, what it is that they are trying to explain is totally explainable. And the explanation is usually the same in almost all cases. And that is that the person who had the behavior being reported, is crazy.

OK, perhaps "crazy" is a bit harsh. (Translation: It's not.) But I was shying away from "angry lunatic", "drunken wife beater" and the likes thereof. I guess I could have gone with "unwilling to control themselves" or "unwilling to act in a civilized manner", but don't you think that "crazy" adds a bit of zing to it all?

From the AP news wire, we learn that "A 32-year-old man was booked and jailed for investigation of reckless endangerment and fourth-degree assault on Friday after allegedly throwing a wrench at another vehicle on a highway." Uh-huh. I see.

"The tool broke a vehicle's driver's-side window, showering glass inside the vehicle, and struck the driver in his left shoulder on State Highway 16." Why the exact location is always so important in stories like these I'll never know. It's not relevant to the incident. It's not like a certain stretch of State Highway 16 is prone to airborne hand tools.

But here's where the "trying to explain" part comes in. "Witnesses traveling westbound on the highway told troopers the man had been passing vehicles and traveling at a high rate of speed when he threw the wrench 'for no apparent reason.' " No kidding? For "no apparent reason"? Tell me, what would be "an apparent reason" for a human being to hurl a metal wrench at another human being on the freaking highway?! (Was he shouting, "Those bolts aren't just going to unscrew themselves, you know!" as he hurled said wrench? Did anyone hear him yell, "You forgot this!" right before he hucked it? I don't think anyone did.) Are you telling me that there in fact ARE "apparent reasons" for such behavior? I don't think there are other than, as I alluded to earlier, crazy!

And this particular article tries to get around the obvious explanation, not once, but twice. "The State Patrol said investigators were unable to determine the reason for the assault." Guess what? I'm not! I AM able to determine the reason for the assault! The guy is nuts! And then he threw a wrench! Case closed! What is so difficult about that?!

Naturally, you'd expect this to happen next: "The man was arrested at his house. " Yep. Throw a wrench on the freeway, get arrested at your house. Sure, that makes sense.

Then we have this item from the fine folks (who I think I really am growing to like) over at Seattlepi.com: "A man faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving on Interstate 95 on Friday." See? Again with the location. Watch out for assaultive luncheon selections when on Interstate 95. Take special precautions if it's a Friday. (Will it surprise you to learn that this took place in Florida? Of course it won't.)

"Police said the 19-year-old man became angry and hit the woman in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off." See, now that's not just someone who "became angry". That's someone who is mentally ill and has an anger management problem. I think that most of us, at one time or another, have "become angry" and have managed to do so without turning perfectly good food into projectile weaponry.

"The victim nearly lost control of the car because she couldn't see the road and the man then allegedly ripped off the rear-view mirror and used it to shatter the windshield." Good Lord, man! Anger management issues, perhaps? Now she can't see the road AND can't properly back up! Well, that's just great! I love the neutrality of "allegedly ripped off the rear-view mirror". Yeah, the windshield is shattered, the rear-view mirror has been ripped off, it's now embedded in a pile of broken glass, the driver has sandwich imprints on her face, and it's "alleged" that it was the guy who just happened to be the only other person in the car at the time who ripped off the mirror. Right. Because the benefit of the doubt is so important in cases where it's blatantly obvious that the guy is a maniac.

And here's the part that, while totally unnecessary, is extremely welcomed. It's also the reason why I think those guys over there at Seattlepi.com are doing just a bang up job.

"Police haven't said what type of sandwich was involved."

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