Say Cheese!

KFC has apparently started an ridiculous trend in restaurant fare, but they didn't do it intentionally. In fact, while I notice that KFC is being blamed for this trend, the alleged trend followers really aren't quite doing it right. That's mainly because KFC's idea was ingenious and the other guys...well, they're just grasping at straws, basically.

See, KFC introduced the Double Down sandwich a little while ago. It's a masterpiece of culinary delights. The genius of the sandwich is that there is no pesky bread to get in the way. That's right. No bread. Instead of bread, the Double Down utilizes two pieces of boneless chicken in place of the bun. In place of the "meat" of the sandwich, there are two pieces of bacon, a slice of melted Monterey Jack cheese, a slice of melted pepper jack cheese and a glob of something called Colonel's Sauce (which appears to be some sort of mayonnaise based goo that is slathered generously between the chicken pieces). What's not to love? Nothing, that's what. You love it all.

Burger joint Friendly's tried their own version of the Double Down by coming out with the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt. I don't know why BurgerMelt is one word. I don't know why it's called a 'melt' at all, really. What they have is their Friendly's Big Beef burger, but instead of a bun, they use grilled cheese sandwiches. Behold!

Good Lord. I can't tell if that looks delicious or disgusting. I'm leaning more toward disgusting. I'm definitely on the side of unnecessary. The thing is, it is nothing like the Double Down. The point of the Double Down was NO BUN. Clearly, the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt has a bun. It's a bun with cheese in the middle of it, but it's a bun. NOT the same.

Carl's Jr. is even working on something called the Footlong Cheeseburger. It is just what it sounds like it is. It's a cheeseburger that's a foot long. It look positive disgusting, not to mention incredibly ridiculous. Behold!

Is there some sort of a reason why they just wouldn't make a really wide round burger? You know, the way that burgers are supposed to look? I don't get it, but good luck with that Carl's Jr. Good luck with that.

Now Denny's has decided to get in on the act. According to Nation's Restaurant News the Fried Cheese Melt is "...made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread. It is served with French fries and a side of marinara sauce." Wait. It's what? Between what? And you're supposed to eat it? For reals? For reals. Behold!

Wow. OK, then. I would have liked it if they had kicked it up a notch and made the bread two grilled cheese sandwiches. That would really helped the heart disease to kick in super fast. And don't get me wrong. I enjoy cheese as much as the next person. (Seriously, what's not to love. It's cheese, for cryin' out loud.) But this just isn't going to work.

You know as well as I do that the thought of deep fried mozzarella sticks is a fabulous idea. But if you don't bite into one of those things within about 5 seconds of having them served to you, it's all over. Aside from the fact that the cheese solidifies way too fast, you can't eat it when it's at the tongue scalding temperature that they are intended to be enjoyed at. And here enters the conundrum. If you don't eat them right away because you don't want to burn off all of your taste buds (not to mention the majority of your tongue flesh), then the breading starts to get soggy. Have you ever tried to reheat a deep fried mozzarella stick? It's disgusting. It's like someone rolled some string cheese in a soggy piece of Wonder Bread.

And I anticipate that this sandwich will be similar to that. The mozzarella cheese breading will become immediately soggy, rendering the sandwich into a simply disgusting and completely inedible pile of goo with a gross breaded center. Someone really should have thought this one through a little bit more. Then again, it's Denny's. There are a lot of things that they should have thought through a little bit more.

Sphere: Related Content

You Found Jesus WHERE?

How is this possible? I just did a post about Florida and the inhabitants thereof. And where do you think that the next wacky thing I read about was? You got it. Florida! Where everything is possible! Including the impossible!

Headline, Florida:

South Florida Man Finds Jesus In His Toast

My head.....my head....::::sigh:::: Aw, geez. Alright. Fine! Fine! Jesus in the toast. Got it. Wait. WHAT?!

According to the folks over at First Coast News (It's not news! It's Florida!) "A south Florida man believes he's found Jesus at the breakfast table." Yeah, yeah, and I found Satan in my hammock, what else is new?

It would seem that a one Troy Eckonen was enjoying some French toast at Mack's Cafe in Pompano Beach (the most likely place for Jesus to return to, of course) and on the last piece of French toast, there it was! Troy saw the face of Jesus on his French toast. (Never mind that Jesus wasn't French. He saw it!) Behold! French toast-y Jesus!

We learn that "After studying the toast Eckonen says he and friends also see Christ's left arm raised and holding a cross, as well as two birds over the left shoulder." Right You've got Jesus, Jesus' arm, a cross and a couple of birds on your French toast. How big was this piece of toast anyway? I'm surprised he didn't also see the Last Supper on there as well. What are you doing looking for the Son of God on your toast anyway? It's not like it's a Where's Waldo platter, is it? Find Jesus and get 50% off?

They felt the need to tell us that Troy is "a bodybuilder and owner of Pompano Beach's Tropical Gym". (OK, I get it. It's not get 50% off. It's "Find Jesus and get free advertising." Sure, that makes sense.) Then we learn that Troy "says he isn't planning on selling the toast, and hopes that the image will help "renew the hope and faith" of those who see it." Was he planning on eating the toast? Because there are children around the world who are starving to death, you know. They would love to have your Jesus-y toast there, Troy!

I had difficulty finding pictures of Troy looking like a normal human being. You know, the kind that would be out eating French toast in public. I wasn't very successful, as all I seemed to come up with were body building pictures of him and I don't know how recent they are. There is a recent picture of the French toast on his gym's website. The caption reads "Out of 140 asked, 139 saw Jesus. What do you think? See more pictures and add your comments!" Fortunately, only 17 of those 140 have left comments so far.

Wait. He hopes that hope and faith will be renewed of "those who see it"? How are they going to see it? Is the toast planning a world tour? Is the toast booked on Oprah? Does the Pope know about the toast? (I don't know if you have to tell the Pope when you find Jesus in your French toast, but I'd guess he'd probably like to know. And he is the Pope, don't want to keep him waiting. Call him after you're done with Oprah and fill him in.)

Of course this reminded me of another Florida resident (shocking, I know!), a one Diana Duyser who put a grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary on it up for sale on eBay in 2006. The highest bidder and lucky winner of the sandwich (which was 10 years old and preserved in a plastic box atop cotton balls for some reason. She didn't have a Ziploc? What's up with that?) was the Golden Palace Casino. They felt the need to encourage this sort of religious-figure-in-my-food-sighting phenomenon that rears it's head in Florida a couple of times a year, by paying $28,000 for the damn sandwich and another $6,000 for the pan in which the image of the Mother of Christ was grilled to a toasty brown goodness. These pics should tell you more than enough about decade-old sandwich vendor and Florida resident (just in case you forgot which hellhole of the nation we were visiting today) Diana Duyser.

Oh, but it gets a little bit better! It wouldn't be Florida without a tattoo, now would it?! That's right. After pocketing her $32,000 (suckers!) she felt the need to have a full size tattoo of the sandwich tattooed on her breast at Miami Ink. That woman had $32,000 (likely the most money she has ever had at one time in her entire life. It was like the dairy product lottery for her I'm sure.) and she decides to use it to get a tattoo of a sandwich on her breast? Why a tattoo? Why not teeth? Maybe a new Rascal scooter? Why the tattoo?

This is why Florida has hurricanes.

Sphere: Related Content