Gettin' Knotty

This one is odd but, sadly, it's not the first time we've heard of something like this. That probably indicates that it won't be the last either. Huh. Unfortunate.

Let's go over to Airdrie, which is in the United Kingdom (in some place called Lanarkshire, possibly North Lanarkshire) and read what the Scottish Sun has to say about one 21-year old and old enough to know better William Shaw. It would seem that Mr. Shaw managed to get himself banned from a public park. Not all public parks, just one park in particular. He was banned from Central Park in Airdrie for demonstrating behavior that's really not appropriate for a park. Actually, it was behavior that really wouldn't be deemed appropriate anywhere. However, most of those places would be outside and since a park would also be outside, it's really not going to make much of a difference that he was banned from A park because he can just go to another park. Or a forest. Or an arboretum. There are a multitude of places that Mr. Shaw could go to engage in his untoward behaviors. What's that? The behavior? Oh, I'm sorry, I almost forgot. Yeah, he was having sex with a tree. Wait. What now?

Correct. A tree. He was having sex with a tree. Fornicating with nature. (WARNING: A multitude of puns, some bad, some even worse, will be forthcoming. Be prepared.) He must have really been pining for something like that. (See? And that's only the beginning.) According to the article, this whole thing started growing roots last September when it was alleged that "...he dropped his trousers and underpants and exposed himself while in the visitor attraction." Um, I don't know about you, but behavior like that is not much of an attraction for me. No, more like a distraction at the very least. Offputting as hell is what it is.

I'm assuming that since the tree couldn't come bark to his place with him that it's what led him to allegedly try "...to have simulated sex with the tree while his trousers were around his ankles." Now, look, while I really don't need to dissect thing thing from top to bottom, I have to ask where in the hell else his trousers would have been if he was, in fact, doing what it was alleged that he was doing! I mean, sure, it's a tree and all, but the sex part is still the same and you've gotta have your pants off (from what I can remember).

He was released on bail "...on the condition that he stays away from Central Park." And again I ask, how in the world is that going to help?! It's a tree! It's knot like you can't find another tree somewhere, right? I mean, I wouldn't find another tree! I wouldn't find A tree in the first place. But apparently Mr. Shaw wood!

"Last night Shaw was unavailable to discuss the allegations at his flat." Um, I don't think that "unavailable" is the most accurate term. Unless by "unavailable" he means "unwilling" in which case it's exactly the same thing. Fortunately, there was a neighbor that was available for comment who stated "I have seen him about and he seems a quiet lad."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

Um, how loud and/or quiet is one supposed to be before they will be labeled as an obvious tree humper?! I'm not so sure that the decibel level of ones voice and/or other body functions that make noise is any sort of an indicator of this sort of behavior. In fact, I'm pretty darned sure that it's NOT! AT all! What is wrong with you people who are the neighbors of weirdos? Why is that the only damn thing that you ever have to say?

Seriously. It doesn't matter if you're a tree lover (quite literally, in this case) or a serial killer, if your neighbors are interviewed they're always going to say "They were pretty quiet." Or "I didn't really know them that well." Well, of course they were and of course you didn't. Because if they weren't quiet and if you did know them well, you'd find out that they were the sort that likes to fornicate with flora! THEN would you be happy?! I don't think you wood!

Just once I'd like to hear someone say something like, "Oh, that fruitcake? Humpin' a tree, you say? Oh, well, that doesn't surprise me in the slightest. The other day I caught him fondling my azaleas for the umpteenth time! He's always out in his yard, pleasuring himself with the pansies. One day I caught him stroking that tree over there, calling her a 'dirty birch' or something like that. I asked him to leave." You never hear that. (Actually, I'm kind of glad that we never hear stuff like that. Carry on. You were saying? He was a quiet lad...)

I just have a couple of questions. One, how did this guy avoid getting splinters? I'm thinking that if you're going at it with a tree of all things, you're going to be running a fairly serious risk of getting stabbed in your grundle on more than one occasion. And two, if he felt like getting really knotty, do you think he'd have a treesome?

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Suit Yourself

Lots of modern technology available to those in law enforcement these days. Lots of it. Did I say lots? I meant lots and lots. And apparently the German police want nothing to do with it. No, they seem to have their own secret weapon in the fight against crime. That's right. Tree suits. Wait. What?

Apparently, over there in Germany in Bochum in North Rhine-Westphalia, there had been a bunch of burglaries in a short period of time. Now, the details on all of this are a little sketchy, just so you know that I'm not leaving anything else. (Please. Me? Leave something out?!), but according to Bild, "A passer-by had earlier discovered bin bags containing laptops, clothes and tools for breaking in. It was immediately clear what it was – a burglar’s lair!" Now, it doesn't tell the reader what the passer-by was passing by, nor does it mention how one who is just 'passing by' discovers all of the 'bin bags' (which I am assuming is fancy European talk for 'trash bags') filled with loot. It also leaves out the most important item, that being that apparently in Germany they still use the term 'lair'. But you now know as much as I do.

The passer by alerted the cops to the lair loot, who then had to come up with a way to nab the bandit. (Bild tries to make this sound just as exciting as it can be, but it's not all that exciting to begin with, so the noble effort falls a little short.) The article says, "Inspector Michael L. (27) was keen to catch the crook red-handed. He said: “I discussed with my colleague how we could camouflage ourselves in the forest. Then we discovered the suit in a mail-order catalogue and bought two for €100 each – out of our own pockets.” "

The suits to which Michael L (shouldn't there be a little disclaimer that says "Not his real name" and then a shadowy silhouette?) refers to are tree suits. Suits that look like trees. Trees that are really suits. Tree suits. Yes, those tree suits. Wait. Huh? Behold! Tree suits! Suits that look like trees!

I don't know if I'd call that a "tree". It kind of looks like vertical pond scum. I guess the German trees are of the rather mossy variety? It's certainly not what I think of when I think of "trees". But hey, what's going on over there in Germany, anyway?! What the heck kind of a catalog do y'all have just lying around with tree suits for sale in it? What else is for sale in that catalog? Flower suits? Suits that look like big bees? Gingerbread men? What kind of a catalog is this?!

Well, we never find out any more about the catalog. Next thing we know, the cops have donned the tree suits and they now look like trees. Then they waited in the forest with the other trees that were not suits. And they waited. And they waited. And they waited. All the while? Correct, wearing the suits of trees. But again, not looking so much like trees as they did just outdoor green stuff (as you can clearly see, or not see, from the photo below. They're in there!).

Finally, after eight tree-like hours, they heard a car approach. According to someone (again, Bild, not all that great with the details there, folks.) “As we jumped up from the ground, we were immediately attacked. But we were able to overwhelm and arrest the man.” OK, well, in defense of the criminal, you guys are kind of lucky to be alive. Personally, if I'm in the forest (regardless as to whether or not I'm going to my lair for my booty of hidden stash) and suddenly some trees start coming at me? There wouldn't be a calm resolution to the situation, I'll tell you that right now! If I found myself in the middle of an episode of "When Arbors Attack", I'm going to grab the nearest ill-begotten bin bag and hope that I had stolen an axe at some point during my crime spree. I can't say I blame the guy for "attacking".

Turns out, the guy was from Romania and only travelled to Germany just to do the burglarizing. (Geez, talk about a commute. Must have been rather profitable. At least, more profitable than pilfering other people's belongings in your own country. This is why we need border enforcement everywhere!) No word on why he chose to hide everything in a German forest rather than take it back to Romania. And really, no word on why they had to wear tree suits in the first place. Couldn't they have just, oh, I don't know....hid in the forest? It seems like they knew just where he was going to show up (albeit eight hours later, but still, I doubt it was coincidence.), so couldn't they have just planted themselves (pun intended) behind a rock or a potted palm or something and waited? Why the suits? Just to be fancy? People don't like a show off.

So what have we learned from this? Not much, which is kind of the problem. When you read a story and then you end up with more questions than you had when you started (and if you're me, that's a heck of a lot of questions), that's not exactly stellar journalism. It's annoying is what it is. Come on, Bild guys! I know you can do better, so I'm willing to give you another shot. The next time that law enforcement personnel are dressing up in suits they get from some mystery catalog (which probably has something to do with porn) in order to nab some forest bandit, try and do a better job of making sure that you've reported on all angles of the thing. Most importantly, what the heck kind of a catalog was that.

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