Friday, February 27, 2009

No, That's a Coin Slot

What the hell, people? Look, I'm pretty sure that in most cities in America (this is America, after all) one can find themselves a perfectly good hooker if they need to. Now granted there's almost always a price to pay (unless it's like some sort of summer internship, I would imagine) and there's rarely a coupon to be found. Regardless, it's a human being with which you will be having all the sex. And while I'm not up on what the current rate for some hookage is, I know this much: I know that it's cheaper than being caught having sex at a car wash. With the car wash vacuum. Wait. What?

Correct. A man in Michigan was arrested last October when he was caught sexing up the vacuum at the local car wash. And I think I speak for most anyone reading this when I write: WTF?!?!?

A one Jason L. Savage was arrested on October 16, 2008 by police in Saginaw, Michigan (yes, I AM surprised this wasn't in Florida!) after there were reports of "suspicious activity at a car wash." Now, I don't know if I'd use the term "suspicious" as opposed to, say, "effing weird", but if I saw someone with his schlong in a suction hose, I wouldn't deny that would raise (no pun intended) suspicion. Would not deny it, would not doubt it, would not stop running until I had locked myself inside my home.

This guy has got to be the cheapest guy in the history of self gratification. You can't do it just by yourself, you need a little help. But you don't want to fork over cash for a hooker and you can't even go out and pick up some little toy or whatever it is that y'all do with that or those and that or....look, never mind. The point is that this guy was willing to spring for all of about seventy five cents to get a blow job from a vacuum cleaner. And at a car wash nonetheless! It's not like it's some private car wash where the vacuum cleaner is way in the back underneath a tarp or the cover of darkness. Usually the vacuums? Right in front, that is correct.

He pled no contest in court yesterday. Was I surprised he pled no contest to indecent exposure because he was caught having sex with a vacuum at a car wash? I was surprised at the whole incident, yes. (Though, I'll bet I'm not half as surprised as whoever it was that discovered him making sweet, sweet love to the suction-y appliance. And I'm positive that I'm not even a tenth as surprised as the poor vacuum.)

But you know what surprised me more? The fact that this was not an isolated incident of vacuum fornication perhaps? Well, yes. That did surprise me. It also troubled the hell out of me. But I was more surprised when I learned that the other incidents involved someone other than this freak? Yes! I was! I did not want to know that there are MORE people who see nothing wrong with placing their penis in prohibited parts of appliances in public! Good Lord. We are doomed. We're doomed now. Welcome to doom.

It's even gone worldwide, so there's no escaping it. There's no place to hide! The folks over there at The reported this on March 3, 2008:

"A builder working at Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital has reportedly been sacked, after he was caught pleasuring himself with a vacuum cleaner in the canteen. The man was allegedly discovered naked, on his hands and knees, with his rude bits in the business end of a smiling Henry vacuum cleaner. (Ooh...awkward.) The Polish man claimed to bosses that he had merely been vacuuming in his underwear, which was supposedly a common practice in Poland. Hmmm."

Yes, that's definitely not a Polish tradition that I've ever heard of. Must be from ancient Poland and all of their traditions. Yeah, that's it! So, so many things to like about that article. God bless those guys. That is fantastic reporting right there. If all newspapers wrote like that, they wouldn't be going out of business, I guarantee it. Nice job, Metro guys!

When that story broke, it prompted comedian Russell Brand to admit that he tried to sex up a vacuum when he was 14. Why would you admit that? On purpose and out loud? I don't get it, but he said that the experience traumatized him a bit. (I can imagine. I was just reading about it and I was traumatized.) Digital Spy reported that Brand said, "Perhaps ultimately the manufacturers of these sexy little appliances ought be held responsible. Who in their right mind designs a machine with the capacity for suction and then puts a face on it? You might as well put eyelashes on a toaster." Right. Because the only thing missing from a toaster that's keeping it from being sexy and attractive are eyelashes. Sure. (This is why I love the ocean. It separates me from people like Russell Brand.)

I'll agree with him that the vacuum cleaner with the face is an odd concept that someone saw to fruition. Part of me really wants to know the story behind that and I'm sure that parts of the Polish guy and Russell Brand would probably like to know more as well, only in a much different way. And I think that if you're starting to think of your vacuum or any other household appliance (that is not designed in a way that was meant for self-gratification) as being "sexy" or "attractive" or even just "a good idea", just don't. (This is the only time I think I'll advocate for getting a hooker, but if it's between a hooker and a Hoover, please! My God, man, take the hooker!)

Back in 2007, The Register ran a story of a guy who broke into his neighbor's house and rather than steal things, he "played sex games in the bathroom and constructed a sex toy from a bottle of detergent, a piece of wood and a rubber glove". When the court heard a vacuum cleaner was also discovered in the bathroom and the defense was maintaining that there wasn't proof it was used with the, uh, makeshift, um, toy? The Judge, a one Tony Rafter, didn't buy it and said, "I'm sure that your client didn't Hoover the carpets." Given the state of his device that he constructed, I'm pretty sure he didn't do that either. But the guy didn't go to jail! The judge only gave him a year of community service because he "was now a father". A father to what?!? A Dustbuster?!

Look, for whatever reason, I know you guys are really attached to your genitalia, which is why I wouldn't think that you'd want to place it inside of a device that could detach it from your nether region. How sexy is that, really? And the noise?! My God, the noise! Then again, men are pretty good at tuning things out, especially dull, loud, blaring noises that go on and on. (Like their wife. OH, but I kid!) Well, another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

Look, boys, you guys are the ringmasters of that circus that's always going on in groin. And we, as women (and society), are counting on you to keep things in line AND in your pants. We're also counting on you to not keep it in any household appliances or in any public, suction driven, cleaning devices. (I mean, something like that? It's really untoward.) And really, if you feel so drawn to such an item, couldn't you just fantasize about Rosie from the Jetsons (or the Robot from Lost in Space if that's the way you'd prefer to go...not that there's anything wrong with that!) in the privacy of your own home and take care of business that way? Now if you'll excuse me, all of this talk about suction sex has made me feel like I need a shower as the whole thing has left me feeling rather unclean.

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grannyann said...

Your writing is hilarious!! Loved the article and LOL all the way thru. What would we do without kooks like that to keep us entertained?

Mare said...

Thanks for the compliment! I'm not sure what we'd do for entertainment without nutjobs like that guy either. But I do know that I'm washing my truck at home from now on!


Anonymous said...

you know i was forever scarred when at my 10 year old birthday party a friend of a friend yelled "this vacume is ufcking great!" we all look and hes in the den on top of our pool table with this old hoover that looked like a flying saucer and his pecker balls deep in the old dirty plastic pipe (my parents wer up stairs so never found out thank god!) needless to say he was no longer refered to as "john" his nickname is still to this day "Hoover boy"