Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What's With The Hats This Year?


There's a whole lot of different kinds of crazy. All kinds possess similar traits, mostly the ones that make up all of the crazy. But there are the kinds of crazy that are unique. A one David William Hadeen is a unique kind of crazy indeed.

Mr. Hadeen was arrested in Sacramento after he allegedly robbed an adult store (no, not a store that sells adults! A store that sells things that are for adults...provided all of the adults are of age and more than willing. OK, just willing. Fine, reluctant but in agreement and fairly compliant. There.) at four in the afternoon on February 15, so sayeth The Sacramento Bee. Mr. Hadeen entered the L'amour Shoppe (that's French for "love shop", just in case your French and your common sense were a little rusty there) "...allegedly took one of the enhancing devices, worth about $200."

Two hundred dollars?! My God, man, what does it do?? Holy cow! Two hundred bucks for an "enhancing device". For that price, it better do something above and beyond what I can do alone and for free! I love how they have to come up for alternate names for these things. After all, things might have progressed to the point that we want them to regress just a bit, but that doesn't change the fact that not many newspapers would be willing to print the word "dildo" when they can go with "enhancing device." And I think it's kind of nice to know that even in the newspaper business, there is such a thing as too much information, especially in this case.
Now, the clerk couldn't do much to stop the guy from taking said "enhancing device", as he had a weapon. Yep, he was wielding his trusty 2 to 3 foot long wooden sword. Wait. His what?

Yep, his 2 to 3 foot long wooden sword (and no, that is not a euphemism). Now, you might be thinking, "Did he think he was King Arthur? A gladiator, perhaps?" I'd have to answer "No" based upon the rest of his get up. Mr. Hadeen was wearing (now stay with me here):
  • A green shirt
  • Blue jeans
  • Tennis shoes
  • An American flag sequined hat
  • And a red cape

Aaaaaannnnnddddddd.....NOW! WTF?!?!

My, but that is quite the sex store robbing outfit you had on there, sir. He sounds like a perverted Uncle Sam-esque superhero who has gone over to the dark side and now lives a life of crime (and woodworking). You can see now why the clerk didn't approach him when Mr. Hadeen "...waved the sword at a clerk "as if to ward him off." " He doesn't appear to be a small man, so I don't blame the clerk one bit. Actually, I don't know that I'd be able to stop laughing if that walked into the sex store where I was working my shift. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.) See for yourself. Behold! Wooden sword wielding, patriotic sex store robber:

Yeah, he's got a neck like my thigh. He seems large. (And in that mugshot, it looks like he might still be wearing the cape. Either that or he wears shiny red satin clothing from time to time. Actually, in this case, I wouldn't put it past the guy. But I still think he's wearing the cape.) He must not have been too hard to track down. Apparently, the clerk saw in which direction he lumbered off and told the cops which way he went. They found him shortly thereafter "...still wearing the cape and hat. The sword was lying on the ground, along with the apparatus, which appeared to have been opened." Already opened? My God, sir! You're still in public. Then again, you're dressed like a very patriotic, very psychotic (and apparently rather horny), misguided superhero. Oh, OK. So that's about right. Carry on!

As if we needed any more indicators that this guy is not well in the head, that pretty much cements it, doesn't it? If you're still wearing your American flag sequined hat after you've run off with an "enhancing device", you're just not real bright is all I'm saying. So he was subsequently arrested, held on $35,000 bail and is supposed to appear in court shortly.

That has got to be the worst, yet the best, criminal outfit I've heard of in a while. It's definitely the most flamboyant for sure! Oh, how I only wish that there had been a picture of him in his sex store robbing costume. But thanks to Photoshop, there can be! Let's run through the list again, shall we?


  • Green shirt


  • Blue jeans
  • Tennis shoes
  • American flag sequined hat

  • Red cape

  • Long wooden sword

And mix them all together, stir, simmer and voila! The most likely of scenarios. Behold!

Man, I love technology. God bless those Photoshop folks.

My country 'tis of thee....

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