Monday, February 2, 2009

It's Not Fashion

You have most likely never heard of John Galliano and that's OK. I really can't imagine that you would have needed to know who he is at any point in your life. Trust me, if you did need to know who the guy is and what he does, you would have. From what I can tell, the guy has definitely carved out a niche for himself and it's a good thing that niches, as a general rule, are quite small.

John Galliano is a designer. He designs "clothing". I've quoted "clothing" there because I suppose that whatever one is wearing is considered "clothing", however it is not the kind of apparel that I (or you I'm hoping) would consider "clothing". It is the kind of apparel that I would consider burning.

The Paris Fashion Week Fall/Winter 2009/2010 was last week. (Already?! I know! I couldn't believe it myself! It seems like I was just talking about this....never.) A whole week devoted to fashion? Hmmm. I'd say that the amount of time I spend thinking about my own personal fashion each day would be 30-35 seconds. Tops. (I sleep in sweats in case I'm running late in the morning and don't have time to get dressed.) I cannot fathom who could spend an entire week thinking about fashion. I can't fathom why such an elusive individual would do such a thing either. And I realize 'to each their own' (or some crap like that), but this is "clothing". Thus, if someone else is going to be wearing something and I am going to be around that person, I am going to have to see the clothing and therefore I will be affected by the clothing that they're wearing. That is why this John Galliano character and the whole Fashion-Palooza deal has me concerned. Behold! Concern:

Oh, what the hell is that? That is a satyr. A satyr is a creature that is half goat and half man. According to the Greeks, the satyr is a frolicking fellow who dances about whilst playing some sort of pipe and chasing nymphs of the female persuasion all the live long day. (It has all the makings of the outdoor forest version of the Playboy Mansion.) John Galliano's "creation" there uses the satyr as it's inspiration. Or as the object which to exactly model his creation after! Is it for Halloween? What's with the cards on his forehead? Is he on his way to play poker with the undead? The goated? What's with the blonde, curly, Brazilian goatee? I've seen stuff like this only in nightmares that I've had after consuming just a bit too much Taco Bell. WHO, who, who is going to wear that? I don't even think a goat would be wearing that, let alone the man (and the man is the one with the opposable thumbs, which come in handy when attempting to dress oneself).

Oh, but wait. There's more to the goat man than meets the eye. Behold! Full-body shot goat-man with cards on his head!

Are those feathers? On his legs? Why do we need those? Is it for Muppets? Ladies, does your man have a hankering to walk around looking for dogs to play poker with the cards on his head? All the while powdered down from head to toe in wig dust and sporting a lovely flat toed golden boot on his foot? Then do I have the outfit for....what? No? Huh. Interesting. You'd think the way that they're talking, there would really be some demand.

Of course, as I continued to read about this spectacle, the one thing that the articles focused on was the "poor economy" and the subsequent speculation as to whether that will have an effect on the show and the way that people look at the "clothing" that has been designed by Galliano and host of other creative souls. Why does it have to be the economy that would stop people from attending these shows and buying those things? (I'm still not convinced anyone has ever bought a one of these outfits. I'll need to see a receipt before I'm fully on board with that concept.) Why can't common sense kick in once in a while and realize that those outfits are crazy?! It's not too much to ask, is it? Let's see...would you rather have common sense and not have this worn or no common sense and this atrocity. Behold!

Ah, yes. The perfect out fit for the man in your life that just loves a rather large, mesh bow that is roughly the size of Kansas jutting out from the side of his neck! Yes, expect Brad Pitt to be sporting one any day now! (And probably along with that ridiculous newsboy cap he's always wearing. That oughta turn some heads...away.) That outfit is clearly the cousin of Aretha Franklin's hat.

The look of the Galliano is an oddly diverse one that I am at a loss to explain why it even exists. Again, it begs the question: Who is wearing this stuff? I haven't seen it! ANYWHERE! I watch TV! And for whatever I miss, I have an excellent source that keeps me up to date. I have seen none of these. Oh, but please! If you have seen them somewhere, do tell! Point me in the direction where you last saw this walking down the street:

You think that it's foreclosures that bring down housing prices? You try having that strut across the front lawns of suburbia and see what happens to housing prices then. Foreclosures have got nothing on the, uh, the...crack pirate there or whatever he is. That thing on his head? I think that's the bird that flew into the engine of the USAirways plane a couple of weeks ago! He really should have gone with a parrot instead.

Galliano seems to have a thing for men's underwear as well. (Yeah, that's a real shock. The dude's name emblazoned on the front of men's brief. A complete surprise!) Here are some of his underwear themed creations that will scare the holy beejeezus out of most people. Behold!

I cannot tell what the design is on the guy on the left. The one wearing the swim cap from 1932 and a tuxedo collar, that is correct. It appears to be some sort of odd three pronged homage to the male unit, but I can't really tell for sure (and I'm OK with that). The middle dude? Um, I'm guessing the only reason that this is the image that was released of this item is because, due to what appears to be a lack of sufficient girth, the model did not want to be identified. Either that or he felt it best to highlight the brief with only his muscular arms clad in a less than muscular (and far from masculine) netting fabric. As far as the guy on the right who stole the tuxedo collar from the guy on the left (and quite possibly his powdered wig thing from the legs of the goat-man above), was that his inauguration outfit? I don't know what the front of his brief says either. What is with this Galliano guy and the reading material on the frontal regions of the male undergarments? Listen, if I'm in a situation where I can get close enough to read that, I'm pretty sure that I've got other things on my mind at that moment. (Like how I got myself in a situation where I can get close enough to read that!)

He also seems to have some sort of anger toward the Revolutionary War era as he has come up with these designs as well! (Act now! Call today! Operators are standing by!)

The guy with the satchel there on the right? Is he the look of the Pony Express for the New Millennium? And that hat! Aretha, baby! You've gotta call this Galliano guy next time you're in the market for a hat that is shaped like a boat and that you can see from space. He'll do you right, I promise!

They all look rather angry, don't they? I suppose I would do if I found myself wearing a powdered wig and knee high boots. That's enough to make anyone cranky, really. But if you do see someone all angry and powdered up like this (and looking for his horse to deliver the mail), let me know! Or at least ask to see a receipt. (And make sure that they're not wearing a sandwich board and ringing a bell at the time you've seen them. That could explain a lot. It couldn't explain all of this, but it could explain that. Carry on.)

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La Belle Canadienne said...

This post had me roflmao...

Sadly I have heard of Galliano because there is a show hosted by this Tim guy that comes on tv..half naked toothpick teenyboppers wearing weird shit nobody in real life wears...

The goat man...priceless...

U know ur gonna buy an aretha chapeau don't u

Mare said...

"wearing weird shit nobody in real life wears..." Yep, that about sums it all up right there.

And NEAU, I am NOT going to buy an Aretha CHAPEAU! (I wouldn't KNEAU where to GEAU to find one even if I did want the freaking HAT!)