Oscar is a Little Grouchy

Huh. It kind of seems like I've been picking on the fashion (or lack thereof) choices of those who are out and about in public. And I realize that I am neither out, nor about (and I loathe the public), but that's what makes it so easy! Besides, the Oscars were last night. You don't really think that I'm going to let an entire evening of Hollywood drama and fashion go uncommented on, do you? Well, I'm not. It's so fun!

Welcome to the 2009 Academy Awards! If they ever need a motto or a slogan, they should think about going with "We're not the Grammys and the Golden Globes was merely a test run!" That's because a lot of what you see at the Oscars looks really familiar. It's as if you had just seen it and in some cases, you sort of had! You saw it at the Golden Globes just a little while ago. Also at the Oscars, you're not usually going to get a lot of the outlandish outfits that you'd see at the Grammys. Oh, you'll get some, but they're usually not on purpose. Yeah, it's sad. So let's work our way through some of the travesty, shall we?

Here we have a one Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens of the 47 High School Musical films. Um, OK, they're young, so I'll give 'em a pass this year. But the mermaid in mourning look is not my favorite. She's adorable and seems to have a shapely bod, but it's hard to get past her looking like she just came from the Little Mermaid's funeral. I'm going to guess that maybe it was Zac's first time doing his own laundry and that is why his tux looks as if it has shrunk down to some sort of formal body suit. The little teeny bow-tie, the little teeny lapel, the little teeny jacket, the tapered pants, it's like he's a leprechaun in mourning.

Heath Ledger won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar and his family accepted the award on his behalf since he couldn't be there. (He's still busy being dead. You know, from being a dumbass and OD-ing last year. Yes, it's sad, but my sympathy is limited for things that really didn't have to happen.) And here they are vying for control of the statue. That's Heath's Mom over there on the left, doing her best impersonation of the role that won her son the award.

Next is a one Miley Cyrus of.....um....Miley Cyrus, I guess. Not the best choice. She looks like a rather pale, very toothy Christmas tree. What was she thinking? Yuletide greetings from the Kodak Theater?

There's Sarah Jessica Parker who decided to come to the Oscars dressed as Tinkerbell. She is shown alongside Melissa George who decided to come to the Oscars dressed as a jellyfish.
Now, you know that just like I was, you were afraid that Sophia Loren's face was going to fall off at some point, weren't you? Look at it! In other news, Sophia Loren is still alive. And in a related story, she still has a face.

I'm thinking that after the Oscars, maybe Mickey Rourke there could help Philip Seymour Hoffman knock over a liquor or something. They both seem to have the attire for it.

There's Jennifer Aniston and Tina Fey, both doing their very best Oscar impersonation. Is it just me or does Jennifer Aniston look scared to death? Either that or she's trying not to laugh because Sophia Loren's face just fell off.

Don't the lovely Sarah Jessica Parker and husband Matthew Broderick look so relaxed and oh-so comfortable? Yeah, not so much. What's up with that? I know it's Hollywood and all, but they're looking fake even for Hollywood. (Now, I'm not one for fashion tips or anything, but this isn't really fashion so much. When one is trying to have it appear as if one's cleavage is perky and taut (and thereby defying all laws of physics and/or gravity), one might want to examine one's cleavage in said outfit and decide of Cleavage One is so far away from Cleavage Two that you'd think there were magnetic forces in each one, pushing them as far away from each other as possible. If that is the case, please either consider making them seem closer together or just get over yourself. They're not even close to being in anything close to a natural position. I want to know how many tubes of Super Glue it took to get them up there. It looks like they're on an invisible shelf. She's practically pouring over the top and then there's absolutely nothing underneath. I found it quite comical.)

There was a theme at the Golden Globes of women wearing a gown that just seemed to blend right into their skin color. You couldn't tell where the dress ended and the person began. That unattractive motif made it's way to the Oscars via Jessica Biel, Evan Rachel Wood and the lovely Anne Hathaway. Ladies, could I have your attention for a moment? I'd like to introduce you to someone. Meet....THE SUN!!

It's nice to see Sean Penn and his lovely wife Robin Wright Penn together, especially since they had filed for divorce last year but then called it off. Note to Sean Penn: Look at her. I have no idea what your differences were or are, but for God's sake man, look at her! Whatever those differences may be (and again, look at her!), I'm sure they can be worked out if they haven't been already. Have you seen your wife? Have you seen you? My point. She's excellent.

What was Whoopi thinking? I'm thinking she should have changed her name to Whoops if she was going to wear that. (Is she having octuplets? What's with the tent?)

Beyonce and her "I'm an Oscar Mermaid" dress. Was there some sort of an 'Under the Sea' theme that I didn't know about this year?

Here's the not too heavy (despite the comments of some crazy and nearsighted fashion designer) Heidi Klum and her husband, Sea Otter.

Hey! How'd OctoMom get into the Oscars?!

Oh. Whoops. Sorry, Brad. My mistake. (Yeah, that chick could have had a million bucks worth of plastic surgery and she wouldn't come out looking half as good as stoic, plastic Angelina Jolie does.)

The Oscars! 2009! Thank you for playing! Can we go back to our recession now?

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Olsen Twin Immunity

Mary Kate Olsen, who was the first person called by the masseuse who found Heath Ledger "unresponsive" (translation: croaked), has apparently not been all that cooperative with authorities who would like to interview her. This according to the fine, witty folks over there at The New York Post No, the waif-life, insect eyed, former child star of Full House has asked for "immunity from prosecution" before she will talk to the police. Hmmm. Interesting.

See, now I don't know why this has taken so long. After Heath turned up all John Belushi and stuff, and as the story came out, a lot of things just didn't make sense at first. Things like the masseuse calling Mary Kate Olsen before dialing 911. And while that DOES sound odd, you have to think about it in the context of rich people who party and use drugs.

First of all, apparently Mary-Kate and Heath knew each other because they had something in common. Partying. Oh, and they both smoked Marlboro Reds, which I'm sure is relevant in some circles. Partiers, the hard core partiers, have an unspoken code that is as strong as 'Semper Fi' is to a Marine. That code is to always cover each other's ass. Hard core partiers are like the MacGyver's of the Underworld. They can know that a fellow party buddy is in trouble and concoct just about any type of situation, story or device that will help out said buddy. And they must have a phone tree system in place that rivals the best of them. If a fellow druggie is in need, they can get in touch with each other in a flash. It's amazing.

But the point is that Heath had, allegedly, had "issues" with "substances" before and there was a lot of ass covering going on in previous instances. So, this might just have been, "Oh, great. Heath won't get up. Here we go again. I know the drill. Where's that phone tree list?" Next thing you know, the troops are over cleaning him up and sending him on his way. Only that day, it didn't go quite like that.

Think of it like this: Masseuse goes in, there's her client. Naked. Lying there. Could just be sleeping soundly. (Remember, you're not expecting him to be dead. Sleeping is the first thing that would come to mind.) Sleeping that soundly is a little strange. Maybe something is wrong. But what if it's not? How close can she get before it gets weird? Tries to remember the protocol for situations when it's appropriate to approach and possibly poke a naked client to determine responsivity. Draws a blank. What to do? What to do? Sees dude's cell. Looks for something or someone. A-ha! Mary-Kate! That Olsen twin. I'll call her!

Now, while that may sound nuts, at that point, you're really searching for anything that is familiar and normal to grasp onto. And I realize that "familiar and normal" doesn't exactly describe Mary-Kate Olsen to a tee, but you'll take what you can get at times like those. (She could also be described as being difficult "to grasp", but again, you'll take what you can get.)

And it was Mary-Kate's security folk (the rich, former child stars of the world always have security folk at their beck and call, don't you know?) who actually arrived before the paramedics did. They might not seem like the most useful people to have show up immediately, but you have to understand the mind of a druggie and how things work in DruggieLand.

They're a sorry bunch all right, but they look out for each other. They are constantly cleaning up after one another. If someone stays out too late partying and then someone else can't wake their ass up in the morning, they call the druggie friends and they come over and help get the druggie up. Because if they don't help them out, then it could get out that the druggie is a druggie and that's never good for anyone. And if the druggie is famous and wants to avoid being known as the famous druggie, then situations like a guy not waking up for his massage become a little more urgent.

There's a lot of secrecy in the drug world as far as what goes on in there. There's not a lot of secrecy that those involved IN the drug world are on drugs. Oh, THEY think that they've fooled everyone. But as we were all looking at Mary-Kate Olsen a week before she went into treatment for an eating disorder when she appeared to weigh approximately 45 pounds soaking wet, her people all said, "She's fine. She's just tired." Yeah, I'd agree. DEATH does look tired like that, I'll give them that one. Spare me. From what I can tell, before she went into treatment, that girl's diet must have consisted solely of dust and Chiclets. Oh, but she's fine! OK. Whatever.


I guess ol' Heath had some Oxycontin that was obtained "illegally" and they still haven't found out where he got it. Hmmm...Hey, Mary Kate....do YOU know where Heath got the Oxycontin? Whaaaattt? You want immunity from prosecution? Oh, well, I'm sure that you had NOTHING to do with it and you'd probably be of little or no help to our investigation at all. Next!" I wonder if SHE asked for the immunity or if she has a lawyer who asked for her. I'd give her credit if she did it on her own, as it doesn't look like a single coherent idea could go through that brain once a week, let alone at a time when it would be appropriate. Oh, wait, I take some of that back. She probably knows where all of the Starbucks are. That might be useful.

Hey, what if they arrested Mary-Kate? They'd have a problem on their hands, that's for sure. I mean, for starters, they'd probably have to lock her in a closet or something because she could just walk right through the spaces between those bars and out of her cell. They'd never be able to contain her in a regular cell. Do they have children's sized handcuffs? Because her wrists are about the same thickness as pretzel sticks and I can't see regular cuffs doing much in the way of containment there.

This can only get more interesting as more stuff comes out. Stay tuned, won't ye?

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