Wednesday, July 16, 2008

VD = Vehicular Dragging?

Again with the partially complete "news" stories. (And again, "news" is in quotes for reasons that will become apparent.) This fresh from the folks who can't secure media jobs anywhere else so they work for, a koala, yes, a koala! A koala was hit by a car that was going 60 mph and survived! The koala was dragged about 7 miles with his head jammed in the car's grille. He has been dubbed "Australia's luckiest marsupial", according to the article. (Tune in next week for "Australia's most endowed mammal!")

Um, I'm not so sure that having my melon stuck in the front end of a rapidly moving vehicle for SEVEN freaking miles qualifies me as a member of the "Really Lucky Club". What, pray tell, do the unlucky marsupials down there have to go through? Oh, well, they might have been hit by a car and while they were being dragged for miles upon miles they were simultaneously being fondled by a kangaroo sunbathing on the hood! Now THAT would be unlucky!

The eight year old male koala has been named 'Ely "Lucky" Grills'. I like how "Lucky" is in quotes, as if it's a nickname and the koala usually goes by what's written on his name tag or sewn into his underwear, "Ely Grills". The article continues to state the obvious by telling us that Ely was "struck by an unwitting motorist", just in case you thought that some guy did this on purpose! Now you know it was totally unintentional to use this poor little guy as a furry hood ornament for 7 miles or so. The article also tells us that it was "north of Brisbane". For what purpose, I'm not sure. Perhaps in case you were thinking of taking a jaunt over that way, you'll know to look out for wayward marsupials on the roadways.

Ely was removed from the front of the vehicle after another motorist alerted the driver of the Koala Mobile to pull over. According to the spokeswoman for the Australian Wildlife Hospital, Carolyn Beaton, "To have him survive and virtually unscathed is quite miraculous." You know, not really, if you think about it. I mean, his head was stuck in the grille and, sure, that has to be uncomfortable. But really, once his ol' noggin in squished in there, what else can go wrong? Unless the "unwitting driver" plows into a wall or something, the koala is just going to be poking out and flapping in the wind (if that is, in fact, what koalas do in this sort of predicament. Flap, that is.). No harm in that.

Apparently, "Lucky" "hung on during his ordeal with one arm and his trapped head." See, I find that misleading. He "hung on" with "his trapped head" (hence the term, "trapped"). I'm going to bet that the arm had little to do with the "hanging on". The MSNBC article goes on to state that "Lucky" "was freed with household scissors used like a fireman's "jaws-of-life" to cut around the car's mesh grille with the horrified owner's permission." Hey! MSNBC folks! Could you guys BE any more dramatic? Is the "fireman's 'jaws-of-life' comparison necessary? Or TRUE? It was a MESH grille! They were HOUSEHOLD SCISSORS! Scissors have one basic purpose. They CUT things! Thus, they cut right on through the mesh. The "jaws-of-life" is basically a set of hydraulic tools which consist of a cutter, a spreader and a ram; none of which are crucial in the snipping of a mesh grille to free a tightly wedged koala bear.

See how different the two are? Really, not much comparison there, MSNBC. Thanks for the sensationalism. You may now get back to your love affair with Obama.

And here's where things start to get a little weird.

"Lucky" was in shock after this ordeal, but he recovered quickly from his shock and seemed almost perfectly normal just a few hours later. He needed some rest and some food, but the Australian Wildlife Hospital was able to provide him with all of that. But he won't be leaving the hospital any time soon. No, he'll be there for the next 45 days. To receive treatment for chlamydia. Wait. What was that?

Correct. The koala has VD. What the hell happened in that grille?! How does the koala have chlamydia?!?! And why does the freaking article END on that note??! It would be like if your evening news reported, "And the woman who was nearly killed when she crashed into a tree during the downhill slalom event at the Olympics is resting comfortably in the hospital where she will spend the next month and a half receiving treatment for a yeast infection and a scorching case of herpes. Back to you." For cryin' out loud...

Since I'd like to think I'm better than MSNBC (and at this point, who isn't, really?), let me fill you in. Chlamydia is rampant amongst the koala community down there in Australia. They must be promiscuous little marsupials, because between 40-60 percent of the koala population has VD. (Chlamydia, in case you were wondering, can also infect birds, sheep, cattle, horses, pigs, cats, and mice. That's good to know if you're currently building an ark.) One of the many half ass explanations as to how this happened in the first place was that chlamydia was introduced to koalas by other infected mammals in Australia (and here's the science) "on one or more occasions over the last 40,000 years." Sweet Mother of God, do you expect me to believe that crap?! Maybe once, at least, in the last FORTY THOUSAND YEARS??!! Oh, OK, thanks for narrowing it down to the Paleolithic Era for us. Anything else we should know?

Why, yes! Yes there is! Chlamydia causes chronic infections in koalas within the urogenital tract (I don't know what that is, but it sounds painful), the respiratory tract, and the urinary tract. The urinary tract infections lead to other conditions known as "dirty tail" or "wet bottom" (both of which would be an excellent name for a band).

Watch where you're going when you're driving in Australia. Don't sleep with a koala bear, as a lot of them have chlamydia. (Don't sleep with a koala bear even if they don't have chlamydia, OK?) Try to avoid wet bottom. Everywhere.

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