Sunday, July 6, 2008

Bite Me

From my favorite English news about the Swedish, The Local, we learn that a 23 year old woman managed to escape from a rapist by biting that of his which does all the raping. Correct. Lorena Bobbitt with teeth.

Over the weekend, the woman was sitting outside of her apartment and somehow became involved in a conversation with the man. At some point, she left. (It's unclear on where she went, being as how she was outside of her apartment, I'd think they would have said if she just went inside. But they didn't so I'm not sure. This sort of shoddy reporting is highly unusual from The Local, in English or in Swedish. They're usually quite on top of their game. That's why I love them.) He, however, did not leave and waited for her outside. Shortly afterwards is when all of the attacking began.

As attacks like these seem to go, the approximately 30-year old man tried to force the woman to, um, go all Lewinski on him. (Yes, yes, oral sex. I'm trying to be witty. It's tough with a topic like that, lemme tell you. And this would be a family blog if it weren't for all the penis talk. I'm just trying to keep what small shred of dignity I have left in tact, all right?) She had other ideas. None of them involved sex with the attacker. And the idea that she finally settled on was to just bite the bejeezus out of it and get the hell out of there. And good for her.

Now, she apparently inflicted quite the mandibular compression upon the attacker's unit. And good for her. (I don't know that this is the recommended method of defending yourself or trying to get yourself out of that situation, though. That's sort of my own, "Don't try this at home, kids!" warning there. Because really, if you're biting...that I'd imagine it's really going to make it's own quite mad. And that could lead to even more bodily harm for you, the woman, inflicted by him, the bite-ee. So if you're in this situation and this method pops into your head as something to try, I think that you'd better make sure you bite that thing hard enough so that when you're bolting out of there, you're looking like a Springer spaniel on the first day of hunting season retrieving the duck, if you know what I mean.)

But here's the part that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. According to The Local, we learn (in English) that, "Investigators believe that the man was injured severely enough that he will need to seek medical care, which could provide leads in the case." Huh?

Could? COULD?! It could provide leads?! MORE than ONE lead?! Really? How so?? How could that provide you with multiple "leads"? The "lead" that you NEED is right there and it's missing a penis!!

Why is it "could" and not "would", as in "which would indicate he was the perpetrator."? How many severed schlongs are they seeing on a daily basis over there in Sweden? Given that sentence, you'd almost have to assume multiple ones, especially if the best that they can get from it is that it "could" help them out. What would that conversation be like? "Yeah, I know it looks like someone ripped it right off with their teeth as if they were tearing meat from a spare rib at a family picnic, but it might NOT be the guy they're looking for. What about Spanky over there? Same thing. How do you know it's not HIM?"

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