The Future Of America

You know how I keep saying that we're doomed? It's because we are. Check out the video below and tell me differently. Some guy went and interviewed a bunch of teenagers at his school and asked them fairly basic questions along the lines of "What is the capital of Washington?" and "Who is the Vice President of the United States?" Not. Too. Tricky. Then again, I'm showing you this video, so how good could it possibly be? You're right. Not good at all. We're doomed. I mean, they really tried to think of the answer. But it just wasn't enough. We're still doomed. Behold!

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No Today Show Excuses, Please

If you have a friend or a family member who commits a heinous crime (I mean, if they're accused of allegedly committing a heinous crime) do you know what your role is in the whole ordeal when the media comes calling for your take on the matter? Let me give you a hint. It's the same as it is even if the media doesn't come calling for what you have to say on the matter. That's right. You just pipe down and say nothing at all. And if you have to say anything, you sure as hell had better not say anything in defense of the person who has allegedly committed the act in question. We don't want to hear that.

Case in point would be that of a one Wayne Treacy, a 15-year old in Deerfield Beach, Florida who has been accused (mainly because he did it) of putting on a pair of steel-toed boots, texting at least one friend that he was going to kill 15-year old Josie Ratley, bicycling three miles from his Pompano Beach home to the middle school, asking a 13-year-old friend to point Ratley out to him, and attacking Ratley at a school bus stop after she allegedly sent him a text message that made fun of his brother's death. This according to the one Sun-Sentinel. That's pretty harsh.

15-year old Josie Ratley managed to survive the attack, but the term "survive" might just be relative to the situation. As you can imagine, she's not exactly in the best of shape right now. She's in a medically induced coma and has had part of her skull removed to deal with the swelling in her brain. (And when there's the ol' brain swell, you know that the likely outcome is going to be anything but swell.) So, this must have seemed like an opportune moment for the family of a-hole Wayne to go on the Today show and give a half-ass apology interspersed with rationale for why he did what he did. Yeah, don't do that.

Apparently, a one Donna Powers, the a-hole's mother, offered up to Josie's mother/family, "I know the pain you're going through." Say what? You know the pain that the kid's mom is going through? I'm sorry, ma'am, but has your child been savagely attacked and beaten senseless by one of his peers? No? Then I don't think you should be offering up the notion that you DO know what that's like. I'm guessing you have NO clue as to what it's like. I'm guessing that anyone who has not had their child almost beaten to death by another child also doesn't know what she's going through. Why would you say that? That's just idiotic.

The a-hole's stepfather, a one Carey Smith, was also on the Today show and said that the a-hole"....would like to apologize to Josie and her family. He's real remorseful about it." Really? Remorseful? He's 15-years old and sitting in a cell at juvenile hall because he nearly killed a girl by kicking her in the head with his steel toed boots. And he's "remorseful"? What is that supposed to mean, exactly, sir? I mean, according to the folks over there at True Crime Report after a teacher pulled the a-hole off of Josie, he managed to shoot off a text to a friend of his that said "Hey, I think I'm going to prison, I think I just killed someone." Huh. I guess the remorse hadn't set in just then, eh? Yeah, probably not.

Smith went on to pretty much justify the a-hole's behavior by saying, "He had a lot on his plate for a 15-year-old. How would you like to be 15 and find your only brother hanging from a tree?" See, apparently, a-hole's brother had killed himself by hanging himself about a year ago. And allegedly what set off this whole thing was some sort of text message from Josie to the a-hole in regard to his brother's death. Sure. That's a reasonable response. Hey, a-hole's stepfather! Were you getting your stepson any sort of help for all of that stuff that he had on his plate? No? OK, then. Good parenting. Anything else?

Of course there was something else. "According to Powers, the beating was out of character for her son, who she believes snapped during the argument." So, let me get this straight. Your son doesn't make it a habit of hunting people down and kicking them in the head with his steel toed boots? That's NOT normal for him? Oh, OK. That makes sense then. Wait. NO! It doesn't! She also said, "That's not Wayne's nature. He's not a bully." Yeah, see, no one said anything about being a bully. What we're talking about is being an a-hole. And bully or not, it doesn't matter at this point. What's done was done by your son and there really isn't anything that you can say or should say that would justify it or explain it because it is, in just about every sense, completely inexplicable that someone would do this.

Smith added that "...his stepson is a "good kid" and a "normal 15-year-old boy" who is "well liked in the neighborhood" and had never lashed out at anybody before the beating." Yeah, see, you're wrong, sir. Your stepson is obviously not a good kid. He is obviously not a normal 15-year old boy. And you have a lot of audacity to even suggest such a thing. What is wrong with you? Plenty, I gather.

If your kid does something like this, it's really best if you just keep your ass off of the Today show. If your kid does something like this, it's really best if you just say nothing. But in the case where you feel compelled to say something, what say you don't make excuses for your kid, OK? What say you just apologize profusely and then slink away? But really, we'd all appreciate it if you'd just pipe down and not go on national television offering half-ass apologies for the actions of your offspring, OK? OK, then.

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For That, I'll Skip Breakfast

I'm happy to announce that I'll be able to squeeze in one more "scientific study" before the year is over. Yipee! (Does the fact that I have "scientific study" in quotes give you any idea as to how scientific I deem it to be? Not very, that is correct.)

Perhaps the folks over there at Reuters actually found this "study" and it's "findings" to be newsworthy. Or maybe it was a slow news day. This is going to be one of the few, very few, times that I'm really hoping it was due to a slow news day. Otherwise, look forward to similar "studies" in the future with similar interpretations. (Translation: Crap.)

What we have from a government-backed Japanese medical researcher is that "Teens who skip breakfast as middle school students tend to have sex at an earlier age than those who start the day with a proper meal." Sooooooo.....yeah. We're blaming it on breakfast now? I've blamed having sex on a lot of things before. Alcohol, stupidity (usually induced by alcohol), loneliness (usually induced by alcohol), extreme horniness (usually induced by alcohol). So, basically, just alcohol. (OK, so my list isn't vast. It's a list!) But I've never blamed having sex on not having breakfast when I was in 8th grade. Or 7th. Or any grade, really. That's because it sounds ridiculous! (I prefer to blame having sex on things that make more sense. Like the alcohol reasoning. Now that's a sound excuse for just about anything right there.)

According to the study, "The average age of first-time sex for those who said they ate breakfast every day as a middle school student was 19.4, while for those who skipped breakfast, the average age was 17.5." Aw, this gets worse as I go along. 17.5?? Years old? Now they're blaming not having breakfast 4 to 5 years before someone managed to get someone else in the sack for all of the sack getting in the first place? Am I the only one who thinks they're stretching it just a tad here? I didn't think so.

"The fact that people can't eat breakfast may show something about their family environment," said a Japanese scientist who could not be any more vague with that statement. "Before blaming individuals for having sex at an early age, it may be necessary to look into the sort of homes they are from." Right. The sort of homes. OK. So, we're looking for what? Breakfast-less-ness? And lots of sex? (Alright, this is starting to get silly.)

I could see it maybe if they wanted to draw the conclusion that people were having sex for the first time at a younger age because they were doing that instead of having breakfast. I could buy that explanation. Barely. But I'd still buy it. (I'd skip a meal for sex. Hell, I'd fast on every day that ends in "y" for sex.) But this is saying that they're still not having sex until years after they've missed breakfast and quite frankly, if you're hanging onto this "not getting breakfast" thing for years, you should probably stop having sex and go find yourself a good therapist or a mental institution to check yourself into.

The survey "...also showed the average age of first-time sex was lower for those who found their mother annoying." Now there you go! That's some science I get fully back! Doing anything in spite of an annoying mother? SURE! I'm not saying that I believe people are thinking, "Man! I can't believe she grounded me for that! It was nothing! What a bitch! I'm going to show her! In a few years, I'm going to have sex! Just wait! You'll SEE!" No, that's not it. I'm just all for blaming mothers for anything. It's easier and believable in a lot of cases. (Disclaimer: There are a couple of exceptions to the blanket statement I just made about mothers. You guys know who you are. And one of them is not my mother.)

The scientist who, in the future, may be looking for different sources for research funds, said that, “Those unhappy with their parents — such as for not preparing breakfast — may tend to find a way to release their frustration by having sex." Again, I ask the question, "YEARS later?" You know what I do when I don't have breakfast prepared for me? I don't wait 4-5 years and then have sex with someone for the first time. No, I make my own damn breakfast!

Also noted was that, "If children don’t feel comfortable in their family environment, they tend to go out.” Go out...and....have sex? Well, yes! I don't know that the "family environment" is really the most "comfortable" place for anyone to be having sex! I'm glad they DO leave! I would hope that they would want to! And if they didn't, I sure as hell would ask them to!

If it wasn't for the delayed reaction time between not having breakfast and having sex for the first time, I might buy into the notion that there is something that is missing in the home environment that manifests itself without a morning Pop-Tart and leads to trampiness. But that 4-5 year window really isn't bolstering that theory very much. And actually, I'm a little surprised that they're complaining (if they are actually "complaining". It's kind of hard to tell what they're doing; other than just making stuff up) that the average age that someone first has sex over there is 17.5 years old. Seventeen and a half? I can't imagine that in the US it would be higher than that. (Have you seen how girls are dressing in the US? It's like the entire population of Whorevania exploded and made its way across the country.) Back to the survey questions, Japanese scientist guys! You have to come up with something else that you've derived from your data because this missing-breakfast-makes-you-have-sex-thing isn't quite cutting it. (Hey....does skipping breakfast make you have sex? If that's the case, I'm denouncing breakfast forever! Bring on the sex!)

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The World's Biggest Sink

When I have to start things out like, "Doesn't this sound familiar?" or "Here we go again" you know it can't be good. No, in fact, you pretty much know that, once again, a product of some mutated gene pool has fulfilled their destiny. And this case is not exception.

Remember the moron (aka Timothy Tackett) that took a bath in the Burger King sink? It was his birthday and, for some unknown reason, he felt that the most appropriate way to celebrate his birthday was to strip down to nothing and hop in the utility sink and utilize it that way. Not good. Not my expectation of "having it my way" if ever I were to lend my patronage to a Burger King.

With that vivid image fresh in our minds, let's make our way over to Anderson, CA. Anderson, population 11,000, is about 10 miles south of Redding, CA in northern California. I don't know a lot about Redding thus, I know even less about Anderson. But I know that a town with a population of 11,000 is no place that I'd turn for a day of excitement, I'll tell you that. I'm guessing that it was that factor coupled with a slightly less than average intelligence quotient of two, make that three, three teenage girls who decided to take a bath in the sink at a KFC. Then, taking a page straight from the glorious conveyor of stupidity, the Internet, they posted the photos where? On MySpace, that is correct! (Hey, you're getting good at this!) Oh, how I bet their parents were just beaming with pride!

Rub-a-dub-dub, three dips in a tub! Behold!

"A KFC manager said the young woman who quit expressed an interest in taking a bath in the sink, but the manager told her not to do it." Well, might I just start off with give that manager a raise! She told her not to do it! Congratulations! Funny, but really, I would have expected nothing less than her telling her not to do it. I actually would have expected a little bit more, perhaps something along the lines of, "Are you effing nuts?" But I'm glad that the manager told her not to. That's definitely a step in the right direction.

Next, um, "Expressed an interest in taking a bath in the sink?" OK, first of all, why would that interest someone? "You know, I've been working here for quite some time. I'm very familiar with all of the various parts of a chicken, which ones are tasty, which ones not so much. I've concluded that parts are parts. But all of my knowledge of the delicious flightless fowl aside, you know what has really started to interest me during my time with the Colonel? That sink over there! I'm really interested in bathing in it! Who do I talk to? Who's in charge of things like that?" Good Lord....Aim high, sweetie. Aim high.

But, second of all, why would you express that interest to anyone at all? I'm sure that there are plenty of us (Translation: All of us) who have an interest in "something" that is, say, not mainstream. Whether it be grape jelly on your cottage cheese or goat lovin', everyone has a quirk or two. And that's the great thing about being human. We can realize that these quirks are just that...quirks! And we can keep them to ourselves once we realize that, hey, if someone finds out about this, I could be mocked and ridiculed for at least a good hour and a half. (It's the Internet age. Nothing lasts forever. The whole world is ADHD now. An hour and a half is at least a lifetime for someone.) So why you would ever mention that your interested in public restaurant sink bathing is beyond me. Unless you're a moron. Oh, I get it. OK. That makes sense. Onward...

You know how when you're in a job interview and they ask you the question, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I'm going to make a public plea to those young, budding morons and beg them to not go with, "Well, my goals are really....heyyyyy! That's a nice sink you have there! Five years from now? I'd definitely like to be bathing in that puppy there!" Please. Don't. It is not a good goal to have, nor is it a good goal to express an interest in having.

The MySpace phenomenon amazes me. I just don't get it. And judging from the pictures, it seems rather clear to me that these young, clueless lasses are trying to be sexy. (Utter the following in a dull monotone voice for the full effect of how "sexy" others may interpret this stunt as: Oh, baby, how hot. You are in a sink used to wash off greasy chicken dishes. I'd sure like to get me a piece o' dat!) I can think of very few things that are much more less sexy than three sturdily built, shielded from the sun teenagers in the dish sink at a KFC. (And from the looks of it, that's a really big sink! Where does one get a sink that big? It's obviously industrial, which could have been another adjective used to describe the bathers, but you could wash a Volkswagen in there it would appear. Forget about the pictures of them in the sink. Someone call Guinness! World's Biggest Sink! World's Biggest Sink!)

According to the folks over there at the Redding Record-Searchlight, "One of the girls bathing in the sink at the Anderson Kentucky Fried Chicken posted the photos on the Internet and after management learned of them, all three were suspended today, said Cheri, assistant manager at the restaurant. She declined to give her last name." Declined to give her last name? You're in a town with a population of 11,000 that the rest of the world has never heard of. I'm pretty sure that anyone who you're worried about knowing who you are, already knows Cheri, the assistant manager over there at the Kentucky Colonel's.

“The girls are being reprimanded for it,” Cheri said. Well, I should hope so! What else would happen? Would they just be given a strongly worded lecture? Wait a minute. Reprimanded?! Fired!! FIRED!! I want the Chicken Sink Bathing Trio of Anderson FIRED!!! Not reprimanded!

After immediately posting their photos on MySpace (for the entire world to engage in the ol' gawk n' mock), "The photos had been filed under a gallery called “KFC moments.” Well, it does appear it was a moment. Not exactly a moment of inspiration, but a moment. ::::sigh::::: Idiots. We're surrounded by idiots and now they're in our sinks.

A KFC spokesman, a one Rick Maynard wrote an email as a response to this incident, which read, in part, “KFC has zero tolerance for violations of our operating standards, and our franchisee has taken immediate action by terminating the employees who were involved." Apparently, someone felt the need to ask Rick if "...there had been similar situations at other KFCs. He replied, “Of course not.” " What in the hell kind of a question is that? "Do you frequently have employees bathing in utility sinks at your restaurants?" "Oh, all the time! We can't keep 'em out of there!" Seriously! Have you heard about this happening in other KFCs? Because if this incident is any indication, you would have!! Who asks that kind of a question?

Perhaps someone like a one Fern Hastings, a "...senior environmental health specialist for Shasta County’s Environmental Health." "Looking at the pictures, she said the girls are violating state Health Code 113971 — which details that restaurant workers are required to wear clean clothes." Wait! It gets better! She said, "Obviously they are not wearing clean outer clothing." Um, ma'am? They're not wearing any outer clothing! But this woman is master of the obvious. You can tell when she says, "You just don’t think someone is going to get in there....it’s definitely not made for humans.” Well, of course it isn't! It's a sink used for dishes! Hence the term, dishes! What is wrong with people?

But here's how this way too long, sad, sad, saga comes to a close. Whichever one of the Sinkettes had the MySpace page where the photos were posted, has since set her page settings to "Private". And while you can no longer view her pictures on her MySpace page (and why would you need to, as they're all over the Internet), she did leave a little message for....I guess maybe the media? It's hard to say. It's odd, though. It reads (and I am not correcting grammar, etc.), "Its a sad world when one has to stoop low enough to go through ones dirty laundry....one womans trash is anothers treasure! —Thanks alot for having good respect how can you live knowing the little bit of money you made was made hurting someone!”

(Well, she shouldn't have been doing her laundry in the sink, either.) Spare me. What did she think was going to happen after she posted those photos? You can't tell me that she had not heard about the guy in the Burger King sink before her and her cohorts pulled their little stunt. Maybe she was hoping for a sitcom? Wow. Welcome to the real world, honey! That's the world where, when you do dumb things, people make fun of you! Most people know a dumb thing when they see one and they treat it as such. They do not think you're cool, no matter how much you'd like to think that you are. They think you're a moron in the sink of a KFC. (By the way, just a tip, you probably shouldn't be getting too riled up at others for not "having good respect" when your "respect" wasn't all that "good" when you climbed in the sink at the Kentucky Colonel's. Not so much. "Hello, Kettle? This is the Pot. You're black!") But for now, since you've been fired and won't be working, might I suggest an English class? Perhaps English Composition 101? Or even just a basic English Grammar 101? That little paragraph of yours there is horrendous.

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Avoiding Comas Through Vomit

They seem to be having a problem with teenage drunkenness over there in Germany. Oh, wait. They're having an 'epidemic' of teenage drunkenness over there in Germany. When you're talking epidemic, you've definitely left the realm of 'the problem'. You're into a whole new territory when you have an epidemic on your hands (and a drunken one at that). Far be it from the Germans to ever sit around and let something get so far out of control that there's no stopping it. (Well, with the exception of that World War II thing and that dictator guy who got a little overzealous on occasion. Aside from that incident, the Germans are on top things.) So, according to my favorite source for all of my German news in English, The Local, "A new campaign to combat an epidemic of teenage drunkenness in Germany will distribute 1.5 million beer coasters with pictures of teens passed out in puddles of vomit." I see. Wait. What?

The rationale behind this idea, it would seem is that "The graphic images on beer coasters are supposed to remind teenagers of the consequences of over-imbibing." Funny. When I see pictures of people passed out in puddles of vomit, it reminds me of how much I dislike vomit. Mine, yours, anyone's really. Not a fan. I doubt it would encourage me to under-imbibe (nothing else has).

The campaign is apparently using what they consider to be "... the English-language slogan "Don't drink too much - Stay Gold". Is that an "English-language slogan" because it's in English? or is that an "English-language slogan" because they think that we say that? ("We" being those of us who speak English, I guess.) If it's the latter, um, we don't. Speaking strictly for myself (and everyone I've ever met in my life) I have never once uttered the "English-language slogan" "Don't drink too much - Stay Gold." Never. (Stay gold. Isn't that from the SE Hinton book "The Outsiders"? "Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold." I think it is. I think that the one guy said it right before he died. And it was to remind Ponyboy to stay the way that he was; an innocent youth. Nice choice, German campaign organizer guys. Nice choice. This may not end well.)

I wanted to know how big of a problem/epidemic we were talking about here and fortunately, a one Jörg Schönbohm, who is the Interior Minister of Brandenburg (and seems to have knowledge about this situation), has said that “The boozing goes on until they hit a coma." In which case, I'd have to agree that "a coma" is problematic. Now, I've never "hit a coma" from drinking (I've hit the floor a couple of times, but never a coma), but if you're a teenager who is drinking a lot, it would probably be easier for you to "hit a coma" than it would for me. And that's a shame because those teenage years should really be coma-free for the most part.

Part of the problem with all of the teenage drinking is something called a flat-rate party. (By the way, those lucky Germans get to drink beer and wine when they are 16 and the hard stuff when they are 18. Man, I could have used some laws like that in high school, I'll tell you what.) A flat-rate party is when you pay a set price and can you can drink yourself silly until you "hit a coma" if you'd like. It's like an all-you-can-drink buffet. Apparently, "In 2007, 26 percent of German children consumed more than five drinks in a row, the definition of binge drinking, up from 20 percent the year before. More than 20,000 German youth were hospitalized for binge drinking in 2007." 20,000?? Good Lord, people. Slow down. You don't want to get so drunk that you don't end up having ill-advised drunken sex later on in the evening!

And the solution to all of this drunken mayhem in Germany (in English) is coasters with disgusting images of those who have "over-imbibed" (and, from the looks of things, definitely won't be doing any drunken fornicating). "One coaster has a picture of a teenage boy, dancing at a party and showing off his washboard abs. The flip side of the coaster shows the same teenager, passed out after wetting his pants." Behold!

"Another coaster shows a drunken football fan sitting in a pool of his own vomit." Lovely. I mean, behold!

Oh, that is off-putting. These are quite a bit different from the US Ad Council's awareness campaign about underage drinking. It's subtle, but I think you'll get it.

Yeah, that is definitely different than this:

Now, I'm not saying that nothing should be done about this problem. But come on....do you really expect a bunch of teenagers to use coasters for cryin' out loud?

Jackasshattery

If the following incident that I am about to describe (and mercilessly mock) involves your child, please, I'm begging, please do not bail your child out of jail. Please get your boy some professional psychiatric help immediately or relinquish all of your parental rights. One of the two. Both, if you'd like. But this is a problem.

The child I'm concerned about is a 14-year old boy who hails from North Falmouth, which is apparently in Maine. He was arrested after he decided that "it would be funny" if he pushed a 71-year old man off of a dock. Yes, off of a dock and into the ocean. Hmmm. Doesn't sound all that funny. Maybe there's more to this story. (Actually, there's not. In fact, sadly, there's probably less.)

So the 71-year old guy was fishing off the dock with his grandson. That picturesque scene was just enough to provoke the 14-year old jackass to run up behind him and shove him off the dock and into the water.. The guy ended up with cuts on his knees and he lost his prescription glasses. And although the article doesn't mention this, I'm going to assume that the 71-year old also ended up pretty pissed off.

The 14-year old asshat then fled "into the woods by the Talk of the Town Diner", according to the fine folks over there at Cape Cod Times. Well, the "Talk of the Town" wasn't named that for nothing, apparently. A bunch of people saw him flee and knew who he was, so they called police. And the police ended up arresting him. Oh, if only I could say that it ended here. Sadly, it does not.

See, because if it ended here, it would just be another blurb about an idiot 14-year old who did something stupid and we can all hope that he'll learn the stupidity of his ways. But since it doesn't end here, you can just go ahead and start assuming that it's highly likely that he will ever learn anything (as he doesn't seem to have learned much up until that point, I don't know why we'd assume that he'd start paying attention in the future.)



So they take jackass/asshat (You know, from now on, he's just going to be Jackasshat. Both terms of idiotic goodness rolled into one self explanatory moniker.) into custody and allow him to make his "one phone call". Now, I don't make it a habit of getting arrested for anything. But if I were to get arrested, I'm thinking that if I only get ONE phone call, I'd better make it a good one. And as much as I'd hate to do it, if I was 14, I'd probably call my parents to come and get my sorry ass so I didn't have to stay in jail. But that's just me. Clearly. Because Jackasshat (Yes, I like that. It stays. Jackasshat it is.) didn't call his parents. No, Jackasshat called a friend. To brag and laugh.

Brag and laugh? It would seem apparent that the purpose behind the "one phone call" was completely lost on Jackasshat. It's not a social call, you moron! And you most certainly do not want to be making a call to your loser friend to "brag and laugh" while you're standing in the freaking police station after being arrested for what you're "bragging and laughing" about, you JACKASSHAT MORON YOU!

Jackasshat is being held on $1,000 bail and, again according to the Cape Cod Times, was "transferred to a secure facility" and will be arraigned in Falmouth District Court. That may or may not be interesting. I guess I'll have to wait and see how it pans out, but one can only hope that "secure facility" means "small, locked closet underneath some stairs."

But aside from how it's may turn out, what the hell? What in the hell is up with your kid that is going around and shoving an old guy off of a fishing dock into the ocean because he thought it would be funny? And really what in the hell is up with your kid when he uses his one phone call (after being arrested) to call some loser friend of his to brag about his asshattery and laugh about it? Clearly, the boy doesn't exactly pick up on "social cues" all that well.

Again, if it's your child involved in this, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, go and find your child some psychiatric help NOW. Do it NOW before he thinks "it would be funny" to use an axe to slaughter your entire family as you sleep.

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It Takes A Village Idiot

When 17 girls at Gloucester High School in (surprise) Gloucester, Mass., got pregnant, it was four times more than the number of girls (in the school of about 1,200 students) that got pregnant the year before. Those in the softheaded department came to the conclusion that movies such as "Juno" and "Knocked Up" "glamorized" young, teenage, unwed mothers. Yeah, that's it. I'm sure there's a more ridiculous rationalization than that, but I can't think of it.

Fortunately, someone at the school was paying attention and noticed that the number of pregnant high school students was way more than it should be (and the fact that it should be any number other than zero is a sad reality). Those paying attention and not blaming the preggers boom on the Hollywood media also noticed that when some of the girls would go into the school clinic to find out if they're pregnant (What? They don't have EPT over there in Massachusetts?), some of them would seem to be upset if they weren't pregnant. Wait. What?

Now, I, for one, could not imagine thinking I was pregnant when I was in high school. But if I were in that situation, I absolutely, positively, for the life of me, could not imagine being freaking UPSET if I was NOT! But some of those chicks were. So what gives? You better sit down. And have a case of beer handy. Apparently, a bunch of girls at the school, none of whom were older than sixteen, made a pact to get pregnant and raise the babies together. WTF?

According to the principal, a Joseph Sullivan, some of the girls reacted to the news that they're going to have another human being growing inside of them (as if they were the human host of an alien creature) by high fiving each other and planning baby showers. Now, in case you're unfamiliar with what most people who are sixteen react like when told that they're pregnant, it goes something like this: Picture what those girls were doing, the high fives, etc. OK. So, it's the exact OPPOSITE of that. Usually complete with tears, more tears, phone calls to the one friend they told, more tears, and then complete hysteria. Please note the absence of any high fives, low fives, or any other kind of five.

Oh, wait! I almost forgot. Yeah, one of the fathers (translation: sperm donors) turned out to be a 24-year old homeless dude. (If you feel that the shedding of tears as mentioned in the above description for this situation would be appropriate, now would be the time to open the floodgates.)

Seriously, what the hell? Aside from these girls not quite understanding the entire picture of not just carrying and expelling the child from their bodies (in a process akin to taking a pot roast and shoving it through one's nostril), but of raising the child and providing for the child for the next eighteen freaking years. EIGHTEEN. And girls, you're going to need a little bit more than this "It takes a village" mentality to raise these children. Yes, it takes at least one other important aspect that I have yet to hear mentioned. (Granted, there's more than just one other things these girls overlooked. I'm just trying to hit the basic and more obvious ones.) Money. I must have missed the part about which of them (who are willingly reproducing before they have entered their junior year of high school) has a job. And I'm sorry, but I guess I also missed the part about how you will be supporting these children without a job? Oh, MY federal tax dollars? Oh, OK. Um, NOT.

See, this isn't the "It takes a village" mentality at work here. No, this is the "It takes a village idiot" mentality at work here. Are they all going to move into one big commune and pile the babies up in the middle? What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours? Are you girls crazy? What are you thinking?
In case you missed it, none of them are older than 16. 16 is young to anyone who is not 16. 16 is THE age...until you turn 18. Then 18 is THE age...until you turn 21. Then 21 is THE age...until...yeah, after that you don't care any more. But when you're about 30 you start to realize how young 16 was. (You also start to realize that it is somewhat of a miracle that you're still alive somehow, given some of the stunts you pulled. And can you believe someone thought it was perfectly acceptable for you to DRIVE when you were 16? Holy crap, are you kidding me?! See, that's only one of the many, many reasons I will never reproduce. It would be too tempting for me to just keep the kid in a box in the back room of my house. "Hell, no, you're not going out there. Why? Because I went out there too when I was your age. And I know darn good and well what I was capable of and what I did. Like what? Oh, I'm sorry, that information is still classified. and will remain that way until the statute of limitations runs out on that unfortunate incident in the peach orchard involving couple of wayward alpacas.")

Another ridiculously speculative theory is that, because the high school that the girls attend is very liberal in it's treatment of teenage mothers (going as far as to provide free day care at the school for those who made the mistake of getting pregnant whilst still in high school), perhaps the girls thought they should just do this now while they have these free services that they can take advantage of, because they'd have a difficult time paying for day care later on. (Please note that at the beginning of this paragraph I deemed this a "ridiculously speculative theory". I was being kind. That is the stupidest reason I have heard yet. I don't think they were getting pregnant because of their "economic situation". If they were that aware of what was going on in the world or even just around them, I highly doubt that their response to it would be "I know, I'll have a baby!" Morons.)

A lot of the speculation (since the girls aren't talking) as to the reason for the intentional knocking up of ones 16 year old self, is that it's a small community whose economy centers around the fishing industry. No, they're not blaming the fish. Yet. (Although, if they're looking for someone to blame, they're not trying very hard. Movies. Fish. Come on, people, you can do better than that.) What they're saying is that it's one of those towns where your future is almost set in stone for you. You'll go to this high school (because it's the only one). You'll live in those houses after you graduate (because everyone always does). You'll work for this business (because everyone always has). Your whole family lives here (and continues to live here). You get the point. Thus, one of the theories is that it was a "way out" or a way to "add a little excitement" to their lives.

Wait. Why does that scenario sound familiar? Well, everything but the pregnancy part. Seriously, it sounds strangely familiar. A small town. A boring place for teenagers. Everything is always the same. Teenagers aching for something different. Teenagers trying to find a way to do something, to make a difference, to make a change. Oh! That's it! Now I remember! Sure! It's the plot of Footloose.


Why couldn't those girls just do that? You know, stage a dance in some barn somewhere. Or, since they fish over there, on some dock (away from the bait station, however). A mirrored disco ball, some tin foil stars, LOTS of glitter floating down from above, Kevin Bacon, Sarah Jessica Parker, why couldn't they do that?! It sounds better than giving birth. Maybe John Lithgow could show up with a big kettle of fish, professing the importance of sustainable fisheries and the need for protein in a daily diet. Anything, really. Anything other than intentionally getting knocked up by a 24 year old homeless guy when you're 16 or younger. Anything.

Yeah, those girls were the wrong kind of "loose". They should have been Footloose. There weren't any babies in Footloose and everyone seemed to like that JUST fine.

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