The Stupidest Thing of 2012 So Far

Wow. It is only January 2nd and I have already read the stupidest thing I've read all year. And it's quite possible that it's going to win out as the stupidest thing that I read all year. The thing is that I really can't tell where the stupidity arises from. I don't know if it's from the person who wrote the article (please note my omission of the word 'journalist) or if the article was written in such a way as to appeal to the sort of soft headed moron that might be reading it. Whatever it is, there is so much wrong with it that it's hard to know where to begin. But let's see what I can do.

According to the huffy folks over yonder at The Huffington Post, President Barry has signed the defense bill "despite serious reservations". Now while that may sound idiotic, I'm guessing that the reason that he ended up signing the thing is because, like all other bills, there was a whole bunch of crap in there that had nothing to do with defense that needed to be pushed through. And actually, that part of how bills are drawn up in Washington is completely asinine. Why there is stuff in a defense bill that has to do with unemployment benefits is beyond me. But as ridiculous as all of this is, that's not the stupidest part yet.

No, that honor goes to this part of the article: "Indefinite military detention of Americans became the law of the land Saturday, as President Barack Obama signed a defense bill that codified that authority, even as he said he would not use it."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

You have GOT to be kidding me. President Barry just signed a bill that allows for the government to detain American citizens as long as they want to for whatever reason they want (or don't want) to have and I'm supposed to feel better because he said that he isn't going to do that?! Please, someone, anyone, tell me that the last part was not actually uttered and included in his justification for signing this thing as a way to make anyone feel better. Do these people realize that Barack Obama is not our king? Do they realize that eventually, whether it be this year or four years from now, someone else will be President of the United States? Do they realize that any and all future Presidents can use that authority regardless as to whether President Barry says that he will or will not? Do they realize that if that law is on the books (and it is) that someone will one day use it?! Why am I the only one flipping out over this?!

See, this isn't one of those things where the brain dead argument of "If I'm not doing anything wrong then I don't have anything to worry about" doesn't come into play at all. That's the exact problem with this law! You don't have to be doing anything wrong to have something to worry about. All you need to have is some overzealous a-hole in a position to detain you and that's it. You're screwed. You're indefinitely screwed. If that doesn't chill you to your very core then might I suggest moving somewhere a bit more oppressive than the United States? North Korea, perhaps? You'll love it there.

I cannot believe that President Barry went ahead and signed that bill with that new law in it. What good is our Constitution if there can be federal laws enacted that will essentially strip away all of our rights that are guaranteed to us under said Constitution? And while I'm mad at President Barry, I'm absolutely appalled at Congress, as voted something like 94-6 in favor of this provision. All of those people who voted for this need to be thrown out of their office on their ass as soon as possible. For God's sake, please do not vote in November to re-elect any of these jokers that are currently in office and making decisions like this. Lord only knows what they'll come up with next time.

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Well, That's Not Good

I need to figure out why this story hasn't gotten more attention in the news. I know that it's partly (largely) because the media sucks. That's a given. But I guess it could also be that it's a bad thing masquerading as a good thing. Well, masquerading to soft-headed individuals. Then again, since no one has seemed to catch on yet, maybe the masquerade is really good. Or maybe people just don't get it. Either way, a federal mandate that health insurers MUST cover birth control for women is NOT a good thing.

According to the Huffington Post, reported that the Obama administration has mandated that "Health insurance plans must cover birth control as preventive care for women, with no copays". Umm....OK. Wait. Why is this? Well, one of the reasons is because the administration wants to prevent unwanted pregnancies and for some reason, they think that the key to unwanted pregnancies lies with making sure that women can afford birth control. I guess we're supposed to ignore the fact that condoms are not exactly exorbitantly priced. Whatever. But that's not really my point here.

My point here is what is being overlooked. Woo-hoo! Everyone is just thrilled that women can have birth control for free! What a glorious day! Right?! NO! No? NO. What we have here is the federal government telling a private business what they are going to do. Shouldn't that concern people? A lot?! I think it should. But people are so freaking ga-ga over getting anything at all for "free" that they miss the overall point. (And I have "free" in quotes because someone is going to pay for this. The article says that "The cost will be spread among other people with health insurance, resulting in slightly higher premiums." Oh, good. I can't wait.)

The government shouldn't be telling a private business how to run their business! EVER. If the federal government wants to offer incentives for companies that offer free health care, that's one thing. (And I don't want to pay for those either. But I'd rather have it be an option rather than a requirement.) But to mandate that they provide birth control for women for free is out of line if you're asking me. Where does it stop? Or perhaps a better question is when are people going to realize that the government doesn't know better than they do? Anytime soon? Do you think? What's that? No? That's what I thought. We're doomed. Dooommed!

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Scared Smokeless

I've had kind of a long day and I'm really kind of tired right now, so I'm going to make this one a little short. I just learned that over in Australia, they have made new regulations for what cigarette packages can look like. They're trying to deter young people from starting to smoke. They're method of doing this seems to be to try and scare the holy crap out of kids by making the packages downright scary.

The Federal Government down there in Australia has made it so that companies can no longer display their logo on the packages. The color of the background has to be an ugly olive green color, as someone's research has determined that ugly olive green is the least attractive color to smokers. (I don't know that research was all that necessary, as I think most people are turned off by ugly olive green. Hence the term "ugly".) The name of the brand has to be in a specific font. (They don't mention what the font is, though. From the looks of it, it could be a variation of Arial or the beloved Helvetica. But I only mention that because I'm a nerd and I don't get to throw out my font knowledge...um...ever.) There also have to be huge warnings on the sides and on the front. Also included on the front, a scary ass picture of something horrible that will happen to you if you smoke. The folks over there at news.com.au were kind enough to provide a picture of what the new scary ass cigarette packages will look like. Behold!

Holy S! My God! Why is his eye held open like that?! Shouldn't there be a picture of a seeing eye dog or something else?! Why not a German Shepard?! Oh, right. Because they're trying to scare the holy bejeezus out of folks. Hey, it worked with me. I can't believe that with images like that, they were seriously concerned about whatever font they were going to use. I can tell you right now, I have no idea what any of the wording on the package says. And I am not going to know what it says ever because I will never look at that package again. I will not be smoking in Australia or anywhere else. Granted, I wasn't planning on smoking anywhere to begin with, but that image did deter me from ever thinking about it. Holy crap. I hope I can sleep tonight.

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How Old IS Al Davis?

I enjoy sports. So I pay attention when changes go on in sports. I especially pay attention to any time the owner of the Oakland Raiders makes an appearance in public. Al Davis is at least 130 years old and he's not wearing it well. The other day, he gave a press conference to introduce his new head coach and to try to explain some of why he fired the previous coach. All of that has nothing to do with what I found to be the more interesting (and frightening) aspect of said press conference. And that would be Al Davis' general appearance these days. Brace yourselves. It's not pretty. (Al's the one sitting down.) Behold!

Oh, good Lord! What the hell is that?! That is Al Davis. I think. It could be Nosferatu. Let's see if we can spot a difference between the two.

Hmm. Yeah, they might be the same person. Wow. What the what? Should he be out during the daytime? What's the deal with his head? Why isn't he having someone else do the speaking for him? He's scaring the children. Maybe they just photographed his bad side. Maybe he has a...a...good...side? Maybe? (I know! I know! I'm stretching it! Geez! YOU try and think of something to say in this situation. It ain't easy!) Where was I? Oh, that's right. Behold!

Oh, for cryin' out loud! It got worse! How could it have gotten worse?! Is there anything worse than that? (You know that I already know the answer to that, don't you?) Brace yourselves again. It's about to get real. Real scary.

My eyes! MY EYES! Kill it! Kill it with fire! NOW!! And if you're not going to kill it with fire then someone needs to make sure that his one eyeball doesn't pop itself loose because that's exactly what it looks like is about to happen. Would it hurt you to smile once in a while there, Al?

Holy crap. Wow. Yeah, it looks like it might. Never mind. Just go away and it will be like we never brought it up, OK? Good. Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go bleach my eyeballs.

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I Think I Understand, Mel

Oh, Mel. Mel, Mel, Mel. What have you done now? What hasn't he done? Well, what hasn't he said is probably a better question. Mel Gibson is kind of on the outs with his Russian hottie that he left his wife of almost 30 years for. Yeah, "on the outs" is kind of an understatement. He has completely lost his mind. And look, I'm going to get into this in more detail in a couple of days, but I'm going to say this right now. I've listened to the tapes that his Russian hottie made of him screaming at her on the phone. Yes, he sounds like a crazed lunatic. Yes, in one of them, he sounds like he's on a Stairmaster because he's breathing so hard. Yes, I found it hilarious that he wants someone to make his bed. All of those statements are true. But I'm just going to say this right now: I think I understand. I'm not saying he's right. I'm certainly not saying that it is justified. I'm absolutely not saying that he had the right to say anything that he said to her in the manner that he said it. But if she's the gold digger that I think that she is (and that Mel, somehow, was oblivious to), I understand why he's pissed.

The audio of his rants are below. They're courtesy of the nosy folks over there at Radar Online. Someone has to do this, I guess.

Mel Screaming Part One
Mel Screaming Part Deux
Mel Screaming Part Three
Mel Screaming Part Four
Mel Screaming Part Five

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Not So Baffling Chimp Attack

I keep seeing headlines and story lines like "Animal Experts Baffled by Chimp Attack" and "Chimp Attack Puzzles Investigators". Both headlines and ones that would be similar are in reference to a one Travis the chimp who attacked his owner's friend and was subsequently shot dead by police after the shoveling beating and the cleaver stabbing failed as his owner attempted both as means of getting him to stop ripping apart her friend's face. (And kudos to WLNE-TV 6 out of Rhode Island with their idiotic headline "Chimp Attack: Is Having an Exotic Pet a Good Idea?" What's next? "Burning Buildings: Is Too Much Heat a Bad Idea?" "Electrocutions: Should You Really Dry Your Hair in the Bathtub? Film at 11." Morons.)

Now, I am not an expert on animals. I'm not much of an expert on much, really, but certainly not on animals. However I, unlike the investigators and experts, I am not baffled or puzzled or stumped by the chimp attack. I can give you the most plausible, most logical, most likely reason for why the chimp attacked. I'll try to phrase such a complicated answer in a way that's easy to understand. Ready? Here we go. The reason why the chimp attacked is: It's a chimp. Did I go too fast? Too many big words? Should I start over?

A bit of background on the aforementioned chimp attack. Travis the chimp is, as his name implies, a chimpanzee. But he was a chimpanzee living in Connecticut with a lonely widow who treated him...well....a little bit too much like a human being for my tastes. Travis was 14 (and in chimpanzee years, that's 14) and had lived with a one Sandra Herold for many years, at least 10. Travis had "...starred in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola, made an appearance on the "Maury Povich Show" and took part in a television pilot." Well, at least he had a job. (What's the country coming to when Travis the chimp has a job and a woman with fourteen children does not? What's wrong with that picture?)

Now, let's just remember that this is a chimpanzee we're talking about. It's a wild animal. I don't care how long it has lived with people, I don't care how long it has lived with Ms. Herold, it is still a wild animal and, just like their name says, they should probably be in the wild. And if they're not in the wild, I'm going to be that all of their animal instincts that they use in the wild are still fully in tact even when they're living in the 'burbs. Thus, if the animal feels threatened or confused or scared or whatever, it's going to do what animals tend to do in that situation and attack. It's going to do that because, once again, it's an animal.

Ms. Herold's friend, a one 55-year old Charla Nash, had come over to Ms. Herold's house and had her hair done differently than she usually does. Someone thinks that's important because Ms. Nash had been to the chimp house several times and knew the chimp and, presumedly, the chimp knew her, thus the chimp might not have recognized her with her new 'do. She got out of her car and Travis attacked her. Her injuries have been described as "life-changing, if not life-threatening." That's not good. That's not good at all. When your life is changed by a chimp, someone had better be asking, "WTF?"

Now, here are a few things Travis could do, as he was obviously not your normal chimp (if he were, he would have been in the jungle where he belongs). Travis was toilet trained (that would be my first requirement of any chimp in my home), could dress himself (even though animals don't need clothes because they're animals), take a bath himself and eat at the table. (He was fed things such as steak, lobster, Italian food and ice cream. Geez! No one feeds me steak and lobster!) Travis "...drank red wine from a stemmed glass. He also brushed his teeth using a Water Pik, logged onto the computer to look at pictures, and watched television using the remote control." Hold on, one more! "Each night, Sandra Herold and her beloved chimp, Travis, would share a glass of wine before snuggling in bed together." Oh, my God!! WTF?!?!

Let me get this straight. You've got a buzzed monkey snuggled up next to you in bed each night?! OK, that was never on Wild Kingdom! I never saw that in National Geographic! That's because it's not normal! It's a freaking chimpanzee!! And you don't know why he attacked?! Come on!

I'm thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, the woman had convinced herself that Travis was a bit more human than he really was (and he wasn't at all!). And after reading the bit about her snuggling up to the drunken monkey, I'm starting to wonder if there wasn't a little monkey business going on as well (pardon the pun, it had to be said). Unfortunately, I think that there's a lot more to this story that might be coming out. Eww.

Here's a thought for those of you who want to have a pet chimp and teach it to do fun things like Travis did. How about one of the first tricks you teach these creatures is how to freaking talk! Once you can do that, once you can communicate with the creature by talking to it. That way you'll know what's wrong with it before it attacks your friend. Then later you can show it how to do all sorts of other things. (I would suggest you try to make them useful things. Mow the lawn, take out the trash, stuff like that. Using the Water Pik is cute and all, but does it really do anything for you? No, not so much. Manual labor is the way to go if you're going to own an animal that will one day rip off your face.) Now I suspect that teaching the chimp how to speak will take a while, but that's good! Maybe then you'll give up on the ridiculous idea of keeping one as a pet.

I will commend the chimp owner (or common-law wife, as the case might be) for not being more attached to Travis than she was to an actual person. That she tried to get Travis to stop attacking her friend by stabbing it with a butcher knife and whacking it with a shovel and then calling 911 and telling them to come shoot it, that's probably the most appropriate way that this woman has behaved in regard to this chimp the entire time she's had him.

So in conclusion, don't keep a chimp as a pet. They're not pets. They're wild animals (who should not wear clothes) and they will kill you if they get mad at you. They look all nice and cute (and very cuddly to some), but they're really quite mean and don't give a fat rat's ass about you or your friends. Keeping a chimp for a pet is not a pleasant experience for the chimp. Please realize that before you get a chimp (and then decide not to get one) rather than while your face is being clawed off.

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They're Not Dogs! Are They?

DISCLAIMER:

• It's been brought to my attention that the photos contained in this post are really disgusting. Now, I knew they were disgusting when I put them here. (That's half of the reason why I put them here, actually.) However, I failed to take into account that, aside from all six of you who read this reeling in shock and horror, the photos could, in fact, induce a "reversal of fortune" should you be eating while reading (Multitasking. I like that.) or should you have eaten recently, say, within a day. (Nutrition. I like that too.) I have just tested this theory by re-reading this post whilst eating a bowl of Crunch Berries. Sure enough, when I got to the pics, well...let's just say, berries every-where. BOTTOM LINE: The photos will not cause you to feel warm and fuzzy all over. And if they do, it's only because you will be expelling "warm and fuzzy" shortly. Act accordingly.

The reigning "World's Ugliest Dog" has been dethroned. Yes, it's true. There is a new World's Ugliest Dog! (There's a new World's Ugliest Dog each year. Just so you know, so that you don't think that the previous World's Ugliest Dog was overthrown via a coup or something like that. Nope. Just the natural succession of things.) Meet Gus, the World's Ugliest Dog!

Sorry. I guess I probably should have warned you or something. (It scared the hell out of me and I knew it was coming!) This grotesque creature is Gus. Gus is a 9-year old hairless Chinese Crested. I should probably also point out that Gus is (I swear) a DOG. It's hard to tell what it he is, actually. But he's a dog. He's a dog who had been neglected and abused for a year before his owner, Jeanenne Teed, found him and took him in. (Yes, he was butt ugly and she STILL took him in. What a woman.)


But it's not just his face that was beaten with the ugly stick. He is missing a rear leg due to skin cancer which also affected one of his ears. (No, I don't know which one. How am I supposed to be able to tell from that picture which one is the "normal" ear?) And he lost an eye when it was scratched out by one of his owner's cats. It would also appear that at some point, Gus was turned inside out, but that's purely speculation on my part, really.


These pictures just frighten me. I like dogs. But I don't know if these are really dogs. But I guess that the judges at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma, CA where the World's Ugliest Dog Contest is held every year, would know. And what do they look for when making a decision as to which canine is the most repulsive on the planet? According to the emcee, Brent Farris, "Big buckets of drool get extra points." Lovely. Anything else? "So do missing limbs." Sorry I asked.

Now, if you're wondering if Gus had competition, the answer is yes. Actually, the answer is, "Oh, my God, yes!" It was like a canine leper colony over there. Let's take a gander at some of the runner ups, shall we? (Warning: You might want to have some eye bleach handy. This isn't pretty.) Remember, don't look directly at them. The damage could be irreversible.

Here is Princess Chelsea. I know, I know, just what you think of when you think of a 'princess'. Yep. Me, too.

Next up is Rascal. And it wouldn't surprise me one bit if Rascal came from the same defective gene pool as the Princess above. (Ooh! Maybe he's Prince Rascal! Could be royalty there! Of course, there could not.)

The main problem with this next dog is that it's just too damn human looking.

It's like a cross between one of those velociraptors from Jurassic Park and Richie Sambora.

Here we have, "Honey, I Overcooked The Dog."

Twice.

This is Elwood. Elwood was last year's winner. (Instead of Elwood, it's more like Elwon't. What's with the tongue?)

Actually, Elwood looks a little bit like Bill Erwin, who played the old man, Sid Fields, on an episode of Seinfeld (it was the one with the goiter). See what I mean? They're like twins!

This is Squiggy.

Squiggy looks, strangely enough, a lot like, well, Squiggy.

This dog seems to be what the Taco Bell dog would have looked like if it was on crack. And turned inside out. Yo Quiero Cuter Dogs.

The whole freak show will be shown on Animal Planet in October. I'm just glad this thing is only once a year. I can only hope that this will one day be followed up with "Extreme Animal Makeover."

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