Welcome To Mississippi

A little while ago, I think I had mentioned that Nancy Pelosi's daughter had made a video where she interviewed folks from Mississippi about their thoughts on the current President. I don't know exactly what the goal was, but if she was attempting to reinforce stereotypes (or at least help show how stereotypes are usually rooted in at least a little bit of fact) then she did a bang up job. And don't worry! She interviewed folks who have a better opinion of President Barry in a separate video. We'll see that one tomorrow. Today we have the toothless dissenters from the south. If it doesn't show up, click here. Behold!

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The South Will Not Rise Again

We have a problem. Actually, we have two problems. They are, in no particular order, Mississippi and Alabama. Let the jokes about people in the South begin! Oh, what? You don't like that? Too "stereotypical" for you? Let me take this opportunity to point out (once again) that all stereotypes come from somewhere and the South isn't doing much to make sure that doesn't happen. And really, it's embarrassing. The rest of the country weeps for you, Mississippi and Alabama. Jesus...

According to the Huffington Post, there is a group called Public Policy Polling (PPP for short. Catchy, no?). They have released information based upon a poll that they did of "likely GOP primary voters". They surveyed 600 such folks in Alabama and 656 such folks in Mississippi. (Now, in all fairness, I don't know if that is an adequate enough survey sample to make these results statistically valid. I do know that it's a fair number of people polled. If it had been only one hundred or two hundred, I wouldn't even bother with the results. But at least six hundred seems to be a fair number.) Among the questions these rubes folks were asked was "Do you think Barack Obama is a Christian or a Muslim, or are you not sure?" The results are not encouraging.

In Alabama, 45% of the people who could figure out how to press the buttons on their phone said that President Barry was a Muslim. 45%! And another 41% were "not sure". So, over there in Alabama, 86% of the folks surveyed either think he's a Muslim or just don't know! And eighty-six percent is getting really close to the number where you can say things like "Dang near everyone thinks this." Eighty-six percent. Now, I will also point out that when asked "Do you believe in evolution?", sixty percent answered that they did not believe in evolution. (And after reading some of these poll results, I'm actually questioning how far along the evolutionary process has actually gotten in Alabama.) 13% were "not sure" of evolution. So more people either believe President Barry is or could be a Muslim than they do believe in evolution. I think I'm going to cry.

Things aren't much better over yonder in Mississippi, either. When they were asked if President Barry was a Muslim, 52% of those mouth breathers said that they believed he was. And 36% said that they were "not sure". That's eighty-eight percent for those of you keeping track. Eighty-eight percent either think he's a secret Muslim or don't know if he is or not. Eighty-eight. As you can imagine, evolution isn't faring too well in that part of the country either. Sixty-six percent of Mississippians (Mississippites?) don't believe in evolution. Two-thirds. Didn't happen. Eleven percent were "not sure". Seventy-seven percent don't believe in or are not sure of evolution, but eighty-eight percent are leaning toward a secret Muslim in the White House. Oh, how I wish that I could prove a direct correlation between the two schools of thought. (Don't get me wrong. I think we both know the correlation is there. I was just saying that I wished we could prove it.)

This is not good. This is not good at all. And I'm not actually sure which one appalls me more, the secret Muslim part or the evolution part. It doesn't seem to be something that correlates with race, as 54% of the softheads in Mississippi and 67% of the ones in Alabama think that interracial marriage is OK. (Barely over half, Mississippi? You should be ashamed of yourself. What are you afraid of? It's 2012!) I guess the only correlation is the deep south. Well, that and that most of the people that answered these questions said that they were somewhat to very conservative. That's really giving conservative folk a bad name! I'm going to say this again and I know it won't be the last time that I need to say it. President Barry is not a secret Muslim. He's a socialist. I repeat, a socialist. Now if only the southern states can pull their heads out of their collective arses long enough to hear and understand that message, then things can start getting back to normal around here. (And by the way, evolution happened. It did. If you need proof, it's called science. Now knock it off and start answering poll questions that are based in fact correctly.)

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Ahhh, The South

There wouldn't be so many damn stereotypes about the south if it weren't for hilarious incidents such as this one. This is what we have here: A woman's sister is getting arrested. The woman finds out that it will be on something called County Law (which is apparently the southern version of Cops). The woman not getting arrested gets very excited that the County Law folks are there. And who wouldn't be excited to learn that your kinfolk gettin' 'rested is gonna be on the telebishun?

Stereotypes exist for a reason. Don't get mad at people who keep using stereotypes to define or describe people when there are people like those in the video above who do nothing but perpetuate the stereotypes. In fact, can we even call it a stereotype if it's freaking true?

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You Might Be A Redneck If...

I'm pretty sure that, as far as weddings go, this wedding is about as redneck as you can get. All of the major redneck components are present and accounted for, as well as some of the minor ones (which serve as some really, really nice final touches!). Let's run down the list and see how many we can check off, shall we?

• Wedding music? Hank Williams, Jr. Check!
  
  


• Sound system? Stereo of an SUV. Check!
  


• Cigarettes? Lots of smokes. Check!
  

• Obesity? At least 75% of the attendees overweight. Check!
  
  


• Nervous bride? She's smoking as she gets ready. Check!



• Supportive bridesmaid? She's smoking too. Check!
  
  


• Southern groom? His name is Bubba. Check!
  

• Fun loving guests? Lots of T-shirts with witty sayings. Check!
  
  


• Appropriately dressed guests? New shoes and all. Check!
  
  


• Decorations? Lots of tattoos. Check!


• Location? Parking lot of the Waffle House. Wait. What?

Now that is one hell of a list there. And if you have a list and someone else can check everything off of your list, well, that's a pretty good start right there. (At least, it's supposed to be.) Right up until that part about the Waffle House. That's when things start to get a little bit weird.

Down in Dacula, GA, right there at the GA Highway 316 and US Highway 129 interchange, there's a Waffle House diner. It's where Bubba Mathis and Pamela Christian both work and have worked together for the past three years. They've been together for the past nine years. For several years, the couple has tried to get married on July 4th (which is apparently the day that they met), but it seemed that she was always scheduled to work. (Hard to say why she didn't ask for time off in advance, given as how weddings usually require a little bit of planning.) But then she got the day off at the last minute, but then HE had to work. That's when they both decided that they would just get married after he got off work. And they'd do it AT work.

According to the fine folks down south at the Gwinnett Daily Post, "The result was what a NASCAR tailgate might be like if Hank Jr. himself stopped by with all his rowdy friends: Loud and proud - country music, storytelling and plenty of Dale Earnhardt paraphernalia - and not an iota of pretentiousness." Yes, I have no doubt that "pretentiousness" was noticeably absent from this affair.

The Waffle House Wedding was held under a shade tree out by the parking lot. With Hank Williams Jr. wafting from the sound system of an SUV as cigarette smoking guests looked on, the festivities began. As soon as vows were exchanged, it was back inside to cut the cake! That's right about when William Christopher, the father of the bride, started wondering if anyone had videotaped the ceremony. He wants to sent it in to CMT. (That's Country Music Television for those of you who aren't quite redneck enough to catch on to that.) Hey, I'm not the one who brought up the term "redneck". HE did. He said, "I think it's pretty redneck myself, but I'm a redneck anyway, so." So. So, indeed, sir.

In explaining why the Waffle House, Pamela said, "Waffle House is as much a part of our life as our kids are. (Ah, yes, the youngins. Little IHOP and Denny's, our pride and joy!) And we, together, we've been working at Waffle House together for almost three years now. So, when he had to work, we knew then that we were just going to have it here. We tried thinking about having it somewhere else but it didn't really work out. (It's unclear what didn't work out. The "having it somewhere else" part or the "tried thinking" part.) We didn't think it would be as good as having it at the Waffle House. (Because if you don't have waffles, you don't have squat.)"

Hey, you know, good for them, right? They seem happy. Committed. That seems like plenty, really. And if you can't like them for that, at least like them because they're a couple of people who have been together for nine years, who have a couple of kids and who live in the south and have actually had a JOB for the past three years. Hell, half of the people eating at Waffle House don't have jobs! So, hey, enjoy folks! Congratulations.

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It's All In The South

The other day, I was bagging on the South. Specifically, Arkansas. And while I hold to my assessment of the South in general, I probably shouldn't have used Arkansas for the overall example to typify the general behavior of the southern denizens of this country. Because with the Arkansas situation, there was just the one situation. Granted, everything about it screamed, "It's in the SOUTH!" (It also screamed, "ALCOHOL may be involved!" but that's almost always the case when your 12-year old drinks your beer, steals your truck and crashes it at 2:30 in the morning. Almost always.) But I really like it when there's more than one example given to exemplify a point. So, welcome to Florida.

Now, you're getting quite the bonus here. I could, easily, stretch this out into at least five different posts. But they're all going to be crammed into this one post to really illustrate the Southern goodness of the US. These were the "Most Popular" stories in the Northwest Florida Daily News on Monday:

• Couple steal beef jerky, threaten witnesses


• Women yell profanities at Spring Fling


• Man claims he was 'only talking' in park'


• Woman robbed at her home

Now really, that seems like plenty. But I'm going to elaborate because, well, it's funny. First up, The Beef Jerky Duo. So, Leigh Stephen Cann Jr., age 22, stole three packages of beef jerky from a convenience store. His wife, Shannon Kelly, age 26, was with him at the time. After stealing the chewy, dried meat, he threatened the witnesses that were in the parking lot. They, naturally, fled. He, unnaturally, chased them down--all the way to the police station where this ingenious escapade was topped off when he punched through a car's window and was yelling at the occupant of the vehicle while his lovely, lovely wife began punching the witness. When confronted by a deputy, Cann Jr. proclaimed, "I tried to pay for the beef jerky, but the (insert expletive of your choice here) clerk wouldn't take my money." Well, OK then. Of course that really doesn't explain the chasing of non-clerks, nor does it explain any of the punching and yelling. (It certainly doesn't excuse it, for cryin' out loud.) Oh, and when his wife was being arrested, she hit the officer. Shocking, I know! Then she apologized. After that she begged to not be taken to jail. Welcome to Florida. Next!

In Fort Walton Beach, during the St. Mary's Spring Fling, two tables full of women were screaming obscenities at each other and the incident required police intervention. According to the police report, one woman was screaming obscenities at another woman on the phone with "Robert". Naturally, she refused to stop yelling even when asked to do so by the officers (because she simply must keep swearing!). That's when a different woman hurled herself at the phone woman. She was, surprise, screaming more obscenities during her hurl. Now, how this all came to be was that one of the women was dating "Robert" (presumably the woman on the phone with "Robert"). One of the other women was "Robert's" soon to be ex-wife. She and the gaggle of shrews had come to the Spring Fling because they knew that the woman dating "Robert" would be there and they wanted to confront her. Naturally, a Spring Fling in what sounds like it could be a church is a completely appropriate place to confront someone who is dating the person that you're divorcing. Sure it is. Welcome to Florida! Florida's in the South.

When an Okaloosa County Sheriff's deputy saw a truck at a park after the park was closed, he approached the truck and found a 19 year old male and his female companion. The guy told the cop that they were only talking. Then he lit a cigar. (Interesting behavior for a 19 year old. I wonder why he was smoking a cigar? Could it be so the truck would smell like cigar and not like something else? Let's find out!) They must have been "talking" in between all of the pot smoking, because the deputy saw a joint and some rolling papers just lying on the floor on the passenger's side in plain sight. Brilliant. Then the guy told the cop that he had marijuana in the back. Brilliant. He was then arrested for possession. They don't call it 'dope' for nothing. Welcome to Florida. It's really southern!

And finally, back in Fort Walton Beach, a bunch of guys who were wearing ski masks and who were also armed, kicked in the back door of a woman’s home around noon, stole her money and jewelry and then left in her car. According to the Sheriff's office, “She said there were several men, so we’re looking at probably at least three. One of them had a shotgun.” The vehicle, a 1994 Crown Victoria (you can't be surprised by the type of vehicle at this point, can you?) was recovered less than an hour later. Welcome to Florida. You just can't get any more South than this!

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It Doesn't Get Any More Southern Than This

For the most part, the various regions of our fine country have characteristics that are unique to each area. Sometimes it's a particular landscape (the California coast) or a certain tourist attraction (Empire State Building). Sometimes it's a concentrated religion (Utah has a lot of Mormons) or a popular sport (skiing in Colorado). And other times it's, well...other times it's none of those things. And those are times when you're in the South.

Now, I concede that there are some fine individuals who happen to reside in the southern United States. There are even some fine, intelligent individuals living down there (though not as many as just the fine individuals). But if you reside in one of the southern states, you have to agree that a lot of the folk down there are not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed.

You know it's true! If there is a story about a female teacher sexing up one of her young male students, nine times out of ten it's in Florida. Any story involving a tractor? In the south. Any story involving some sort of farm animal? In the south. Any story involving a ridiculous amount of alcohol? In the south (or in the UK, I'll give you that one). Any story involving stereotypical behaviors reminiscent of the Hatfields and the McCoys? In the south. This story is NO different.

Let's take a look at Arkansas. Down in the town of Hartman, AK, an individual has been charged with drunk driving. What's the big deal about that? Well, the Arkansas resident in this case is twelve. Welcome to the south. See how many southern details you can spot in the description of this event. Actually, I'll count them off for you. You'll lose count. I almost did.

The 12-year old boy (one) is facing a drunken driving charge (two) after he and his 10-year old friend (three, and welcome back to the south) drank his parents' beer (four), "got liquored up" (five), drove off in his stepfather's (six) pickup truck (seven) to find a girl (eight) they met at a rodeo (nine). He made it ten miles (ten) before losing control of the truck (eleven) and hitting a guardrail (twelve), sending the truck down a hill (thirteen) and into a forest (Oh, my God, fourteen.). But wait. There's more.

The boys got out of the truck and found a house and started banging on the front door (fifteen) at 2:30 a.m. (sixteen). Clark James answered the front door with a shotgun in his hand (seventeen). According to James, the 12-year old said, 'I'm drunk (eighteen) and I had a wreck (nineteen)," James said he looked at the boy and thought 'You're kind of young to be out drinking (twenty). And you sure shouldn't be driving (twenty one)." Master of the obvious, that Clark.

James bets that both Johnson County boys are grounded for life. Do you think? Because I don't! If you have a 12-year old and a 10-year old drinking your beer in your house (presumably. I suppose they could have been in the barn or the back of the pickup) at 2:30 in the freaking morning and they then go for a drive in your truck, I'm thinking that asserting any sort of parental control is far beyond the capability and apparent comprehension of those folks. And all it does is reaffirm many of the unflattering stereotypes about the south and those who live there. That's why, sadly, none of it really surprises me. Well, that's not entirely true. The only thing that kind of surprises me a little is that there wasn't a chicken or a pig in the truck.

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