Friday, November 14, 2008

There were several things I was looking forward to when the election was over. The most obvious one was that the election would be over. Can we all come to some sort of an agreement that the next time we need to elect a President, that we not start over two years beforehand? I mean, that's a bit much, don't you think? (Of course you do! You were here. You managed to make it through the most insufferable of the insufferable. How can you not want a shorter campaign window? Sorry, Hillary.) But some of the things that I was really looking forward to have NOT happened and, quite frankly, I'm rather disappointed. I thought we had a deal. I don't know with who, but I'm pretty sure I remember some sort of a deal. (Oh, wait. That was change. Someone said that they distinctly remember being promised 'change'.) Why am I still being subjected to Joe the Plumber and Sarah 'Bible Spice' Palin?!

I have seen more of Sarah Palin since the election was decided than I have the entire time that she was campaigning. Why is it that people feel the need to speak out now about things that came up during their campaign? Wouldn't speaking out during their campaign have been a bit more timely, not to mention sensible?

She was on CNN with Greta van Susteren (who is always in soft focus. Why is that? The other people are in hard focus, but Greta gets a bit of the fuzzy treatment. A little too much on the face tightening there, perhaps? Who knows? But it's weird.). She talked about Clothes-Gate and how she did not personally go out and purchase $150,000 worth of clothing after she was chosen to be Grandpa Spice's running mate. And I believe her. Why didn't she say so during the campaign? It got way out of hand. Could she not have squashed that then so that it could be over now? I don't get it.
Now, for some odd reason, there's talk of her running for President in 2012? There is? Why? She lost, right? OK, just checking. She's hot and all (though I've seen some who are hotter. Heck, I know people who are hotter.) and I know I'm not supposed to say that, but if I say that she's hot and then follow it up with "but that doesn't mean she's qualified or able to lead", does that help? I thought so.

And I keep reading and seeing on TV that she spoke at the Republican Governor's Association meeting in Miami this week. It's being made out to be this huge deal. Do you know how many Republican governors made it to this wingding? Thirteen. Thirteen! That's it?! Oh, but it gets better. She gave her first press conference while she was there as well! It must have been rough on her. She was probably all winded after speaking to the whole baker's dozen of governors there. But she gave her first press conference and there were (wait for it) over one hundred reporters there! Thirteen governors, one former Miss Wasilla, and one hundred reporters. Good Lord, media folks. Get over yourselves and go find some real news to cover.

But then there is the most overrated, non-issue monger of the campaign, Joe the Plumber. Why am I still hearing about him? The man asks Barry one question and the next thing you know he's a groupie on the John McCain tour bus! Then he hired a publicity firm and there's been talk of him running for Congress! What the hell, people?! Oh, but wait, there's more! What is the mandatory action that all new found and unwanted celebrities or public figures must accomplish within 6-8 months of their unwarranted fame? Before you answer that, you should know that there are two correct answers and both of them count because both of them are happening. Anyone? Anyone? You! In the back! If you said 'land a book deal' and 'launch a website', you win! I mean, we lose! I mean, wait. Do we care? I don't think we do. Let's find out.

Yes, JTP (Joe the Plumber) has a book deal. Again, the man asked one question. Is this going to be a picture book? Are we sure it's a book and not a flyer or a pamphlet?

JTP's website is called Secure our Dream. It probably should have been named 'Secure the Cash Before People Forget Who I Am'. The home page has 'A Message From Joe' which I would be surprised if JTP actually wrote himself. I just can't see him using a word such as "hearkens". But then again, maybe he did write it himself. Part of his 'message' starts out with "For those of you just visiting this website..." As opposed to what exactly? Those of us moving in?

Oh, good Lord. I began mocking this before I had finished reading everything. Do you want to know 'About the Mission"? Well, I did! So I clicked. I was greeted with this: The other day, I was contacted by 72-year old man who pleaded with me to share his story with the media and politicians. He and his wife lost all of their savings in the stock market recently. They worked all their lives for this country and now they have nothing. Why? Because of corruption in Washington. That man asked me, “What do I do now Joe?" Wait. What?

First of all, if this alleged 72-year old is asking Joe the Freaking Plumber about what he should do now, then that is probably one indication of how he lost all of his money in the stock market in the first place. (Not the brightest bulb on the tree, if you know what I'm saying.) But corruption in Washington is why the stock market tanked? It is? There has always been corruption in Washington. There has been a lot more lately, but that's not the point. How is the corruption in Washington tied to the stock market? What about that whole housing market thing? You know, where the banks made all of the loans that they knew that they were never going to be paid back for and then people stopped buying houses and paying for them and the whole market went in the crapper? Was that not a big deal? Oh, not as big as the 'corruption in Washington', of course, but kind of big?

I guess not because as I continued reading "About the Mission" I read "So, here’s my promise to Robert and the other Joes and Janes out there who have been failed by their politicians. I have formed this organization to bring together individuals who want to help others, while at the same time ensuring our government keeps answering our tough questions." Wait. What? The politicians failed this Oh, right! The corruption. Got it. I'm a little slow. Perhaps there's more for me to read and learn about! Oh, good! There is!

"With your help, we can stop the government and banks from taking peoples' homes away. We can stop our elected officials from selling our children into debt with our enemies. We can help each other far better and faster than the government has ever been able to." Make it stop. Make it stop now, please. This is the first I've heard about the government and the banks just arbitrarily taking away peoples' homes for, apparently, no reason whatsoever! It's not like they fell behind on their payments because they bought a house they couldn't afford or anything like that. It's not like all of those sub-prime mortgages were given out to people who don't understand the concept of a 30-year mortgage and how adjustable interest rates work. No, none of those things happened. It was the corruption in Washington.

I have no idea what the part about the "elected officials selling our children" means. There are child sellers in Washington?! I had NO idea! Sounds bad. But by far my favorite part is at the bottom of "About the Mission". "If you are an individual, business or organization that is interested in joining or donating to our soon to be established non-profit organization, please click Joe's Friends to email us and we will contact you soon." Well, they covered just about everyone who they wanted to know were eligible. What's wrong with 'If you are interested'? Are they trying to make it clear that they exclude animals? But seriously, "soon to be established" just kills me. If you want to give us money for something that we haven't got all together yet and can't tell you what we'll be doing with your money, please, call now! Operators are standing by! WTF, JTP? WTF?

The "Joe the Forum", "Joe the Media" and "Joe the Blogger" links are all under construction and we are told 'thank you for your patience'. Uh-huh. The one section that does have content is the "Shop Joe" link where you can pre-order his pamphlet flyer book AND get a year's membership to his website along with a one year subscription to the "Joe the Blogger" newsletter (Newsletter? Why is it "Joe the Blogger" and not "Joe the Newsletter Writer"?) AND free shipping on all "Shop Joe" merchandise! All for the low, low price of only $14.95! (Paperback book slated for release December 1, 2008. Mark your calendars now!) And that $14.95 is quite the bargain because as a member of the JTP Super Special Club, you will be charged an annual membership fee of $19.95! Yeah, but is he going to fix my leaky pipes or what for that price?

The site claims to have already had "tens of thousands" of individuals who have "...expressed your desire to join this movement." Really? WHOIS data shows that the domain name was registered on Oct. 23, 2008. Today is Nov. 14. So, 22 days? "Tens of thousands?" According to the folks over there at Alexa, the average percentage of global Internet users who spent time that they will never get back on the Secure Our Dream website was 0.000148%. The average number of daily global Internet users that I could track down was about 250,000,000. Don't get up, I'll do the math. That amounts to around 37,000. And while that is "tens of thousands", there's a reason they went with "tens of thousands" instead of just saying 37,000. They should have gone with "a lot". I wouldn't have checked up on "a lot". But I'm still glad I did because it helped alleviate any fears that I might have had about this guy actually getting elected to Congress.

The election is OVER! John McCain understands that! I haven't heard a peep out of the guy (not including when he was on Leno earlier in the week. And he was funny, so I'll cut him some slack on that one.). How come these other two won't go away? It's over. Go home. Shoo!

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