Thursday, November 6, 2008

Flames Underneath

(Side note: You'd think that a computer is a computer, yes? That's what I'd think! But I'm using a friend's computer right now and it's not that it's difficult, it just "feels" different. Granted, the fact that I just woke up to write this and it's the middle of the night might have something to do with my current state of ineptness, but when you're not at home/where your regular computer usually is, you have to make do with what's available. And I'm doing that, yet it's just not the same. But I'm too tired to drive back to my place, so computer that isn't mine it is!)

Men are fascinated with tools. They love them. Apparently, just having a penis isn't enough. After all, the penis has only a couple of tool-like functions. The drill (power and hand) and, well, maybe that's it. I guess if you consider a hose to be a tool then that would count, but I'm not, so it won't. Regardless as to the number of tool-like functions of the penis, it certainly can't shoot fire. Thank God.

The bigger the tool is, the bigger tool the man will be. That's the rule. The more dangerous the tool is, the more likely it is that something will go horribly awry. And the farther south you go, the more the chances increase that an easily preventable occurrence will, in fact, occur. I think it has something to do with the more humid climate and the less capable grey matter of the human brain in the south. And this little tale of moronicism takes place in Georgia. Georgia shares a border with Florida. Enough said.

Welcome to Sargent, Georgia to the home of ones Galen and Tammy Winchell, likely no relation to the founder of that fabulous donut chain of yore. (I'm assuming it's yore. I couldn't get an answer earlier, but I have yet to see one anywhere, so yore it is.) Their home was apparently a haven for many, many cobwebs underneath the eaves of the exterior of the home. Now, most people, upon seeing cobwebs underneath their eaves, would desire to get rid of them. (People like to be tidy.) But then again, most people would use a broom or a Shop-Vac. You know, something that doesn't emit FIRE. You see where this is going, right?

According to the Times-Herald, Mr. Winchell, clearly the brains behind this operation, decided it would be a good idea to remove the cobwebs using a blowtorch. Had the blowtorch not actually been blowing flames at the time of the de-cobbing, his pressing need to use manly tools at all times might not have resulted in, you guessed it, fire. So not only were the cobwebs eradicated, so was one end of their home.

Now when the firefighters got there, the article says that their response "was hampered until the power company got to the scene to disconnect the power, which ran through the attic of the home." Is this protocol for every time that there is a fire? Wait for the power company? Is that why their vehicles have those orange swirly lights on top of their cars? That would be good to know because I've never been able to figure out why a power company employee needed an "I'm important, so move over" light on top of their vehicle. But considering that the fire department had to wait for the power company to show up before the fire could be put out, I'm not so sure that light is much of a factor in anything. Certainly it doesn't facilitate a speedy arrival to a building which is burning itself to the ground after being set on fire by its idiotic owner and his cobweb removing device, the handy blowtorch.

I'm pretty much thinking that if you're that moronic, you don't deserve a house. Home ownership requires just a touch of common sense, of which this guy would seem to have none. Perhaps one might use said blowtorch to remove the cobwebs from the attic in his skull where his brains should be.

What have we learned? Let's review: A blowtorch shoots out a flammable flame. You shouldn't use your blowtorch to remove cobwebs from underneath the eaves of your house. If you do, you're a moron and you will, eventually, set your house on fire and watch it attempt to burn itself to the ground long before the power company arrives. And according to a one James Gantt, a Coweta Fire Investigator , it is advised against to use one's blowtorch as a method to rid one's home of cobwebs.

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