Saturday, November 8, 2008

Shame On The Axe Murderer

No one really enjoys being embarrassed. It's not fun. But you know, it is preferable over some other things that one could be in lieu of being embarrassed. Take death for example. Death after being hacked with an axe for the purpose of sparing you 'embarrassment'. Yeah, that seems a bit worse than the embarrassment itself. But apparently not to the axe hacker, it didn't.

A one Reinhard Steinbauer of Austria had what I'll call fairly strong feelings about embarrassment, especially those feelings about his family members who would have been shamed and embarrassed due to his actions. See, ol' Reinhard there had lost right around €300,000 euros (That's $574,000 in US declining in value dollars.) by investing in high risk speculations. Therefore, he concluded that in order "to spare them 'the shame' " ('them' being his family members) the most logical thing to do was to hack all five of them to death with an axe (which seems like more of the 'high risk' behavior that got him to the place he was at in the first place). Wait. What?

Correct. Reinhard is described as a "freelance public relations consultant". He clearly could not have been very good at his job, as hacking your family to death with an axe isn't exactly a tried and true way of improving public relations. Ending them, perhaps. But, then again, it does say that he was "freelance", so perhaps that was the niche that he carved out for himself (oh, pun SO intended there. SO intended.). So on May 13th of this year, he went out and bought himself an axe. Then he used it (and not to chop wood). Five times too many.


Reinhard the Hacker went to his home first and killed his wife and 7-year old daughter. Before leaving to hack up other family members, Reinhard "called the Finance Ministry (where his wife worked) and told her bosses that she would not be coming to work due to illness." Of course, because he wouldn't want her employers to worry about her or anything like that. How considerate of him. (Due to illness. Um, yeah, she's had a, um, de-nogginization and really needs to rest.) Then, feeling the need to abolish shame and embarrassment everywhere, he drove about 111 miles to where his parents were. (So, that would be about 2 hours of driving. You've just killed your wife and child and now you're going to drive for two hours to kill a little bit more. That's dedication to your craft, I'll give him that. Lunatic.) Not wanting to continue on with the mayhem on an empty stomach, he proceeded to have lunch with his mom and dad and after lunch, the dessert was axe a la mode as he killed both of them as well. And let's not forget the extended family in this bizarre, travelling massacre! Let's drive a little bit further and axe up the father-in-law as well, shall we? Well, we shall not. Reinhard there shall. And did.

So now what? You've just killed all five members of your fairly immediate family with an axe.You've already eaten, so you're not really hungry, even with all of the exertion that it must require to kill five people with an axe all in the same day. So what to do, what to do? I know! How about you make a quick stop over at that brothel over there, Hacky? And so he did. He stopped in at the whorehouse, presumably got himself a whore, whored her, and then left. That's when he attempted to kill himself and failed. Wait. What?



So, he can hack five people to death with no problems what so ever. But trying to off himself? THAT is trickier? How so, you sick and twisted coward? How so? Axe a little dull after slicing through the flesh and bones of five others, is it? You, sir, are an ass, to put it extremely mildly.

When all of the killing of self didn't go so well, he went down to the police station, covered in blood, and turned himself in. A police spokesman, a one Michael Braunsperger, made this statement: "It is not possible to conclude whether he is suffering from some mental disorder, but one would assume that a normal person would not be capable of committing such a crime in cold blood.” Oh, you think?! Mental or not, I'm fairly certain that there's some degree of disorder present with this guy! But thanks for the update there, Captain Obvious.




They must do things fairly quickly over there in the Austrian legal system, as The Lopper was found guilty today and sentenced to life imprisonment, a sentence which he had asked for himself. (I'm guessing that was a pretty easy request to accommodate.) At some point during the sentencing phase, the prosecutor, a one Michael Radasztics, told Reinhard, "You had neither the right nor the obligation to kill them. You take yourself for a god in whom you don't even believe." Um, what? I am familiar with the usual courtroom berating speech of "You had no right..." Yeah, yeah, we know that. I'd like to know more about the circumstances in which someone would have "the obligation" to kill someone else. Or five someone else's. The number isn't so much the issue as it is "the obligation" which, apparently, might have been an option over there! Is there paperwork involved with that obligation? I'm so confused.

So, what have we learned? The world is full of some sick and twisted individuals. What else have we learned? A lot of them live in Austria where there may or may not be an obligation for one individual to kill another individual or five. I think we've also learned that shame or embarrassment, no matter how great, isn't really all that bad when compared to getting hacked up by a family member. Bring on the shame!

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1 comment:

Oba said...

I think what I learned is that shame causes mental disturbance.