Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Only In Florida

People amaze me. Actually, the people in Florida really amaze me. How do those people manage to keep themselves alive day after day? They don't really seem to have the mental capacity, nor the means to do so. Of course, that's just my conclusion that I've come to after reading one too many "news stories" about the antics of those in the Sunshine State.

From Panama City, Florida (and the NWF Daily News) , we learn that a man had seen two people having sex in a "nearby wooded area". We also learn that when the police showed up and spoke to the voyeur, he said that he "couldn't give police a description of two people he had seen having sex, because they were nude." Huh?


OK, I can possibly understand not being able to provide an estimate of the public fornicators heights. The article doesn't mention if they were vertical or horizontal, but even if they were vertical, there's quite a bit of contorting that has to take place in order for that to work out the way you'd like it to. You need to be fairly bendy. So I've heard.


The officer who was lucky enough to respond to this call said that the witness had "described seeing a man and woman, both totally naked, engaged in sexual activity in a nearby wooded area." I'm glad they put in the part about how they were both "totally naked" whilst they were having all of the wooded area coitus that they were. Actually, now that I think about it, they were clearly very committed to following through with this activity. That's some commitment to strip all the way down in public. A lot of folks? Probably very content just so slide their baggy gym shorts over to one side. So I've heard.

"He was unsure of any description since they were nude. He could only describe them as a light-skinned black man and a white woman." Now, that sounds like a "description" to me. I wouldn't expect the lad to be able to give eye color or anything like that. But I'm thinking he could at least go with hair color, average weight, degree of agility, things of that nature. The 'no clothes' part, however, you'd think would make the 'suspects' easy to track down, yes?

Well, something made it easy to track them down because after the officer poked around the area for a while he managed to find a couple matching the description. Both coital partners were arrested because they had warrants that were issued for a failure to pay fines. Now, I was wondering if they were clothed when they were arrested or if they were still sans clothing and that was how the officer knew it was them that he was looking for.

Turns out, they were clothed when the officer located them. The article doesn't specifically say that they were clothed, but I gathered that they were when I read the final sentence (which I did not see coming, by the way. Never saw it coming.). "Both were arrested, and the man was found to be carrying a steak knife in his pants." WTF?!?
Well, perhaps that explains why they were completely nude. "Baby, let's ditch these gym short because not only am I happy to see you, I've got this steak knife in my pocket." Good Lord.....

And, as always, the NWF Daily News headline links on the side of the page provide me with brief and comical insight, as well as a reminder that the gene pool in Florida is looking rather shallow these days. Florida headlines include:
  • Suspects write expletive in road, leave out a letter (They forgot the 'k'. Oh, and they wrote it with a fire extinguisher.)


  • Woman uses counterfeit bill to buy French fries (In JULY. Just now reporting it. Way to stay on top of things, Florida.)


  • Milton man struck and killed by train while fishing (While fishing? A train? They're doing it all wrong!)

  • Boy starts fire with lighter (In other news, man starts flood by turning on tap.)


  • NWF State College Women down Lurleen B. Wallace (I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for Lurleen or very happy for her.)


  • Fort Pierce man accused of punching woman for opening sardines and Vienna Sausages

What the hell, Florida? What the hell?

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2 comments:

irritated said...

Ironic that someone living in America's wang couldn't give a description.

Mare said...

Good point.

Florida - America's Wang. Not as catchy as Canada - America's Hat, but it does have a certain ring to it.