Tuesday, November 18, 2008

TMI

Fair warning here: This post is the epitome of TMI. Too Much Information. And yet I'm still posting it, presumedly with all of the information that is deemed (by me) as that of "too much". Interesting. I just figure that, since it's not my information, a warning seemed like a sufficient enough measure to take which will enable me to continue doing whatever it is that I please here. (Hmmm. Maybe that was TMI as well.)

Do you remember Manuel Uribe? Does the name Manuel Uribe sound familiar? Largely familiar, perhaps? If so or if not, allow me...Manuel Uribe is also known as the World's Fattest Man. He's known as that because he is, in fact, the World's Fattest Man. (See how that worked?) Actually, he's known as the World's Fattest Man because that's what people know him as AND he is quite large. Currently, Manuel tips the trucks scales at around 793 pounds. Now, if that sounds absolutely enormous, it's because it is. But if you consider that at the very peak of obesity (can you have an obese peak? They'd kinda just slump down wouldn't they? A mound, perhaps, rather than a peak. But I digress.) he weight an unfathomable 1234 pounds, well, then 793 pounds is sounding rather svelte.

Manuel has lost the weight as part of his quest to obtain another Guinness World Record title. That of the person who has lost the most weight. And really, I'm thinking the only way you're going to have a really good shot at that title is if you are first the person who has the most weight to lose. And if you look at it that way, it's probably not really worth it. But good for him. It's good to have goals. Lofty ones even. I say that because Manuel had always wanted to get married, but considering that he hasn't been able to leave his bed in six years, the chances of that happening were calculated at just under "slim to none" and then "slim" left the building. But "slim" must have re-entered the building oh-so briefly, as in August, Manuel wed his girlfriend, yes girlfriend, he wed his girlfriend of the past four years.

How did that happen, you stammer ask? Manuel and a one Claudia Solis (aka, the girlfriend, aka the wife) met four years ago at the funeral of a morbidly obese friend. Go figure. She was also previously married to a friend of his. Go figure some more! Somehow, she ended up being his caretaker/nurse person and they fell in love. Somehow. Then somehow, they became engaged and were married. Somehow. Actually, I know the "somehow" on that part. According to the good chaps over there across the pond at the Times Online, Uribe "...was transported to the wedding on his specially-reinforced four-poster bed, draped with cream and gold and adorned in bright sunflowers, on the back of a truck." That part about "draped with cream and gold" would refer to the sheet that covered his lower body while his upper body was covered with a white shirt. It apparently also referred to the canopy that covered "his specially-reinforced four-poster bed", the very same bed that he has not been able to leave for the past six years. (Do you see where this is going? If so, keep reading! I'll get there!)


Soooo....what now? They're happily married. Or just married, I really have no idea if she has any sort of an angle on this thing or what. You can't blame me for wondering that, can you? You thought it yourself. "Who in the world 'falls in love' with and married the World's Fattest Man and why?" I don't know either, but I hope that she isn't some shady lady who is looking for....actually, I can't imagine what could possibly be in it for her if she didn't love him and was really looking for some sort of gain. She won't be getting any 'gain' from him; he's losing weight, remember?

But back to the marriage dealio. Usually, when two people get married, there is the process of consummating said marriage that usually takes place as soon as is humanly possible after the wedding. (Many times, it would have taken place at the wedding itself if it wouldn't have been socially awkward for others in attendance.) So here's a guy who hasn't left his bed in six years. And that might have been a huge advantage when it came time for all of the consummating if it weren't for the fact that he hadn't left his bed because he couldn't due to the fact that he weighed over half a ton! And if you can't leave your bed because you're too large, how are you going to do all of the consummating if you're that large? (How is either one of them going to find...it when you're that large? I'd imagine it would involve some fairly strenuous, possibly tedious work to locate the unit.)

Apparently, that's what friends are for! According to the gossipy folks over there at The Daily Sun, Manuel's friends "constructed a three-foot ramp, reinforced with concrete, allowing him to raise the lower half of his body." That, in turn, "...enabled his new bride to have greater access to his private parts." Right about now is when you should be screaming, "My eyes!" or "TMI !!"

Manuel commented on all of the consummating by saying, "“We have finally had sex and we are a true couple in the eyes of God. We feel like we are in heaven here on Earth.” (I don't know if even God would want to see that. No offense, I'm just saying.) And one of his friends confirmed Manuel's sentiments by saying, "“He and Claudia are very happy with the love ramp and, for the first time, being in bed has become fun for Manuel.” I see. TMI !! TMI !

Those are some pretty innovative friends you have there, senor. How did they think that one up? Turns out, "The idea for the ramp came from US company Liberator, which makes a variety of bouncy ramps so regular-sized couples can try new sex positions." Oh, really? Naturally, I had to know more. Behold! The Liberator sex ramp!


Huh. That's it, eh? (I understand the concept, sure. I mean, there are certain...things for which that would come in handy. Like when you're about to....never mind. You know what I mean. And if you don't, feel free to ask. Or make an appointment. Whichever.) Yeah, that wouldn't work for Manuel y bride. He would need something way more substantial. I was thinking of something more along the lines of something found at a skate park, like this:


But back to the Liberator. That thing is $150. Couldn't you just use a pillow for a heck of a lot less and still get a similar result? Not for Manuel there, but for people who can get out of bed. You can creatively arrange and re-arrange plenty of stuff around you if you really feel the need at the time. (Or maybe you need to creatively arrange and re-arrange stuff around you because you really don't feel the need at the time. Either way, the goal is still the same.) And you can do so for a heck of a lot less than $150.


So what have we learned? Plenty! We've learned that even if you're as big as a house and haven't even left yours in six years, you can still find some chick that will want to marry you. And as odd as that sounds, we've also learned that she won't just want to marry you, she'll want to have sex with you! Once we've learned that, we've learned that we've learned too much, but we keep reading because we figure that our eyes can't burn much worse than they already are. We've learned that sometimes, your friends will go to great lengths to help make it possible for you to have sex. And we're not talking something simple like just getting you a hooker once in a while. We're talking gravel and sand and cement all mixed together with love and concern to build you a concrete sex ramp for you and the Missus. (They're going to find little pieces of gravel in places that they didn't even know that they could get gravel in.) Now that's friendship. Too much information, but definitely friendship.

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