Saturday, November 1, 2008

JTP Needs A Staff

Will someone please put Joe the Plumber back underneath a leaky sink somewhere? This is getting a bit out of hand. The guy asks one, yes one, one question of Barry and the next thing you know, the guy is everywhere and he's also now an authority on...something. I guess. But now it would seem, that his presence is in high demand with....well, I'm not sure exactly who all are clamoring for a chance to have Joe the Plumber, uh....um....well, I don't know what they would want him for, actually. But whoever "they" are, "they" do want him for whatever and there must be a lot of 'em, because he's hired a publicity firm to take care of all of his now ever present media scheduling needs. Wait. The plumber guy? What?

According to the folks with limited information over there at the Associated Press, Samuel Joseph "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher (otherwise known by me as "JTP") has hired a publicity team from Nashville called The Press Office. Some of their other famous clientele whose hectic schedules they manage would include the likes of rockers Grand Funk Railroad and Eddie Money, just to give you an idea of how popular Joe the Plumber is these days. He's right up, er, over, um, I mean, down there with Grand Funk Railroad! Um, Grand Funk Railroad hired these folks as their publicity team? I don't know if that is exactly a testament to how well those folks do their job, as I was unaware that Grand Funk Railroad was still together, still performing, or still doing anything at all, really. Why does Grand Funk Railroad need a publicity team? So that someone can flip the coin when they have to decide between playing at Harrah's in Vegas or at the Rio in Vegas? I don't get it.

But back to JTP. Somehow, some softhead out there decided that Joe the Plumber needed to do his own bus tour around Ohio so that he could campaign for the Republican ticket. Wednesday, he even made an appearance with Bible Spice, aka Sarah Palin. From what I can tell, he introduced her. So he's a flash-in-the-pan, semi-famous, newly crowned emcee, is that what they're getting at? Because I have yet to hear him utter any statement about anything having to do with this election that would make me or (I would think) anyone else give a fat rat's ass about what he has to say. When JTP was in Sandusky, Ohio earlier this week, Grandpa John McCain said of JTP, "He deserves our appreciation. Thank you for your courage." Courage? What courage? Did he snatch a baby from the jaws of death? Did he leap tall buildings in a single bound? What in the heck are you talking about John? Courage to have the guts to associate himself with your fledgling campaign? (A campaign which has taken on many of the same characteristics typically seen in a wandering Alzheimer's patient, might I add.)

But the crowd in Sandusky (pop. 25,000) went wild (all twenty of them, from the looks of the pictures) and then JTP took the stage. He took the microphone and he uttered this sentence that will surely resonate for years to come (or not). He said, "I didn't prepare anything, but one thing I did (want to) say is just get out and get informed, really know what you're talking about when you're talking about it." Well, that sounds like we should really be anticipating some wonderful insight from him next, yes? Let's see. He continued with, "Get involved in the government, that way we can hold our politicians accountable.” By doing what? Oh, wait, never mind, that was it. He's done now. Yep, those were his words of wisdom that is making his presence so high in demand that he hired a publicity firm. Know what you're talking about when you're talking about it. And get involved in the "Holding Accountable Department of Government". Are you kidding me?

Tell me something, who is paying this guy? Don't get me wrong, I don't think I can fault him too much for taking the gig on. But I am not a big fan of how campaign money (or money in general) just gets tossed around. Granted, I know that we're just printing it by the boatload these days (yeah, that won't hurt the overall value of the dollar in the long run at all! Just because the dollar's value has plummeted every other time the market has been flooded with extra currency, that doesn't mean that it will always happen, right? No.), but how much money was thrown at JTP if now, the man who owes back taxes for whatever, can now afford to hire a publicity firm to handle his "hectic schedule"? If he was worried about being taxed more before he became Joe Every-Dolt of the campaign trail, he might really start to worry about it now. As I see from The Press Office brochure, they claim that they will get you exposure. And with exposure comes money. "Exposure that adds great value to your name, trademark, recording project and/or event by booking and securing valuable national media opportunities worth, in many cases, millions of dollars over the life of your project." We'll learn how much this cost through campaign spending reports, won't we? Sure, sure we will. And it won't be good, will it? No, no it won't. But it would have been worse if McCain had won, wouldn't it? (Yes, I am presuming he has already not won.) Yes, yes it would have.

But wait, there's more! More? Yes, MORE! Turns out that there has been talk of a (wait for it) book deal for JTP. How long of a book, is what I want to know. He only asked ONE question. And he asked it because he clearly didn't know the answer. What is his book going to be about? The Big Bald Book of Presidential Candidate Inquiries? He's also considering running for Congress, proving that anyone, yes anyone can become a member of Congress. Am I the only one who realizes that JTP didn't DO anything?! That he hasn't DONE anything?!

The man asked ONE question. And Barry kind of answered the question, but he also kind of didn't. (For those of you who think that President Barry will be different than all of the other politicians, you're in for a treat. He's a politician. He's just smarter about it than the rest of them. That's why he's going to be President and why John McCain is going to be trying to remember where he parked the Buick.) And then John McCain tried to roll with JTP (Good Lord, no! Not literally! NO one wants that!) and that went nowhere fast and it's gaining speed by the second. Yep, it's the John McCain-Joe The Plumber-Hey, Where'd Sarah Palin Go-Bus Tour Express! And it's coming to a screeching and grinding halt soon near you!

And the clip below simply illustrates how John McCain's entire campaign has been going lately, more so since he's tried to catch a ride on the JTP Express. Yo, John! If you're going to try to get a crowd pumped up for your message and your platform (whatever they both may be), you must, absolutely must, you must finish your sentence! When you say, "All of you stand up and say..." and then the crowd starts cheering? Yes, I know it's loud. Yes, I know it's hard for you to hear (even without the cheering). But you have this newfangled device in front of you called a microphone. It transmits sounds at considerably louder levels than without it! Yes, it is somewhat of a miracle! Because with that microphone, those people in that cheering crowd will still be able to hear you! But only if you finish your sentence! Instead, you said, "All of you stand up and say....(and here you switched over into Grandpa Simpson voice)....I thank you...." WHAT?!! Say what?! What were they supposed to say?! John! Wake up, John! Say WHAT?!?!



:::: s i g h :::: That wasn't good. Did he just not remember that JTP wasn't going to be there (or wasn't there). Yeah, he tried to wing it, but as you just saw, that didn't go over so well. He really needs to drop the "old man fade out" noise at the end of a lot of his sentences. I think of Grandpa Simpson every single time I hear him trail off with "Eeehhhhheeehhhhhhhh...."


To briefly paraphrase a bit from Jon Stewart, "...in a recent Field Poll, when compared with a Rasmussen Poll, you'll see that LET'S JUST EFFING VOTE ALREADY! is leading." Finally! Polling I understand.

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