Sunday, November 2, 2008

Price Check, Bingo Aisle!

It was inevitable, but this time I don't necessarily know that it could be considered a bad thing. Well, the concept isn't bad. No, the concept is highly amusing. The premise, on the other hand, could be considered...sad. At best. Mainly because it's so true.

You know that all week long, you are dreading the weekend shopping excursion out to the local Wal-Mart. You'd never set foot in there if those corporate conglomerate bastards didn't have such low prices! (Damn their worldwide dominance! Damn it to hell!) It doesn't even matter where the Wal-Mart is, because as far as the typical Wal-Mart clientele goes, it's kind of like McDonald's. No matter which one you go to, no matter where it is, you always know what to expect and it's always the same. Whether it be Big Macs or white trash, you know what to expect when you're patronizing one or the other. (Sometimes, you can even expect both.)

What you need to liven up those jaunts into trailer park resident shopping hell is to something to take your mind and the minds of your family members off of the homeless guy who was aggressively panhandling as you walked past the red kettle into the 'Mart. But not something that will prevent you from fulfilling your shopping needs, not that will distract you from paying attention to your surroundings. (Those who are more alert are more likely to survive an attack and free themselves from their attacker. I think I learned that on Oprah.) So to beat the doldrums (and fear and disgust) of shopping at Wal-Mart, do I have the solution/distraction for you!

If you're looking to add excitement (and more!) to your bargain shopping days, I present to you Wal-Mart Bingo! Behold!




It's the classic parlor game with a modern day, capitalist, voyeuristic and very sarcastic touch! It's Wal-Mart Bingo! Fun for the entire family! (Sterile latex gloves sold separately.) The concept is simple. Each member of the shopping clan gets a card. When you spot any of the items on the card, you get to mark off that spot. You can mark off the spots with a pencil, a pen, a crayon, pieces of old chewing gum that will be scattered throughout the store at various locations, whatever you choose, really. First one to get five in a row wins!

As I looked at both of the cards shown here, I realized that, theoretically, you could go through several games just lickety split! You might get five in a row before you get six feet past the old man greeter in front. (After this Tuesday, if the next Wal-Mart greeter that you see looks like John McCain, don't be surprised if it is. But do say hi and offer your condolences to him and Caribou Barbie for their loss in the Presidential election to Barry. Ooh, but offer those condolences from about 2 feet away. He tends to snap and bite when angered or irritated. Don't want to lose a finger now! You'll be rendered indistinguishable from many other Wal-Mart patrons should that be the case.)

And while both of the above are fairly clever, come on, let's be realistic, shall we? They're rather plain. If you're going to enjoy this, it really needs to be in the Wal-Mart spirit. No, not the craptastic kind of spirit. You know...the other kind. You know....my kind! Behold!


That's better. Now we're talkin'! First one gets to wait in the car WITH the radio on! Be careful and don't knock over Grandpa McCain as you sprint out the door. Now hop to it!

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