Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Slow News Day In China

Slow news day in China, apparently. Hence the headline: "Most Beautiful Bottom In The World". (Yes, of course there's a photo. Behold! Beautiful bottoms!)

According to the folks over there at China Daily, it is Brazil's Melanie Nunes Fronckowiak and France's Saiba Bombote who have honed or grown the Most Beautiful Bottom in the World. (I'll give the Chinese points for using the term 'bottom'. You know darn well that if this was in the US it would be the "Baddest Booty Call" or "Number One Ass In America" or something else that sounded just a little less polite. Politeness is important, you know.) And judging from some of the photos of the "event", it seems to be a pretty big deal. (Kind of odd for a Communist country, but maybe it's the New Communism.) Just look at all of That can't be the press, can it? The coverage? Look at all of the coverage? isn't a whole lot of that either. I don't get it.

That photo up there just kills me. What are those? Disposable cameras? Clearly those folks are at the low end of the paparazzi food chain. And for a contest whose title makes it clear that it's for the most "beautiful bottom", the paparazzi seem unaware that the "bottom" that is the most "beautiful" is on the side of the contestant that they are not photographing. This may be one of the reasons we've never heard of this contest before. (That and a lot of good luck!)

So, clearly this is an odd competition to say the very least. And thankfully, the likes of which are possibly only seen in China. (Though it's starting to make a little more sense with all of the Communism. Perhaps this is the only sort of odd contest that is based upon physical appearance that they allow). And the photo below? What the hell is she doing? Is that a pH test strip?! Why is acidity important in this competition? Is it a Far East thing? So many questions.

Here we have all of the contestants facing the wrong way. Does it matter what their face looks like? Just wondering. I mean, you could have a great ass, er, bottom, but if your face looks like you got hit with the Ugly Stick one too many times, can you still win? I'd guess that you could, because the chick below is the one who won and she's wearing high heels and socks, a fashion never before seen outside of Billings, Montana.
And some things are just universal, I suppose. There she is, all happy to have won and looking at the press (which I'm guessing, judging from the looks of the photographers earlier, consists of two guys with pocket sized spiral notebooks and a crayon) and there's the guy next to her. Checking out her ass. Typical.
But here's what's not typical, for China or anywhere else I would imagine. (And it's one hell of a segway into the rest of this post. It's not often one can combine a Best Ass contest with carps and ducks. Just in case you overlook the smoothness of transition between the subjects, I had to point that out.) So to give you an even clearer picture of just how slow of a news day it actually was, here's more content from China Daily, this time about nature. It's media coverage of "Duck v. Carps". Wait. What?

Correct. Here we have the lone duck. It is a duck without a cutesy media-given nickname, which is the practice here in the US. If there is a story about an animal, the animal or animals must be given names. Especially whales. Man, if a damn whale goes the wrong way and ends up in someone's backyard pool or something, that thing has a name within nanoseconds of being spotted by a human.

But back to the duck. The caption about this poor waterfowl reads "A duck attempts to attack a fish in a park lake in Changsha, Hunan Province November 16, 2008. Then, swarms of carps surrounded and counterattacked the duck, and the duck fled away." If that's how a "duck attempts to attack" anything, it's a wonder he's made it this far as a duck. The duck might want to set his sights a bit lower in the future, perhaps.

But look at all the damn fish! It's like a koi pond in hell. You kind of have to wonder what in the world the duck was thinking. Actually, he probably saw all of those fish there and was thinking, "Buffet!"

Kind of makes me think that the duck (or ducks, since they rarely travel alone unless they're lost or stupid) has visited that section of the pond a couple of times before. And judging from the reaction of the carp, they seem to have tired rather quickly of members of their school getting eaten. (And really, I can't blame 'em for that. It would get old kind of fast.)

It's a good thing the bird was able to get out of there. Otherwise, he would have been ducked.

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