Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Just How ILL Is Kim Jong?

So, about a week ago, North Korea announced that they were going to make an announcement. They're funny like that. Speculation was that the announcement was going to have something to do with the health and/or possible/probable (the guy's probably been dead for weeks, alright?) death/demise of the bouffant haired, designer eyewear-sporting, dictator Kim Jong IL. (I like to use all caps when typing the guy's last name because otherwise it looks like Kim Jong Il and then some moron is going to call him Kim Jong the Second and I just can't have that.) Kim Jong IL, who seems to attempt to fashion his quaff after a one Elvis Presley (who was neither Korean, nor a dictator. Not that those things have anything to do with it, I'm just sayin'.), is not exactly the most normal fellow. And North Korea, as a result of his not normal-ness, isn't exactly the most normal country.

North Korea could be described as "rather secretive." They could also be described as "big, fat liars." For some reason, Kim Jung IL has apparently felt the need to apparently make stuff up on occasion and apparently expect everyone else in the world to believe it simply because he said so. Allow me to give you an example of some of the yarns spun by a one Kim Jong IL. If you're asking him, Kim Jong IL will tell you that he is a most accomplished golfer! He will claim to have scored eleven, yes eleven, eleven hole-in-ones on the VERY FIRST round of golf he EVER played. See, now I would have a problem believing that, but that's because I don't live in North Korea, I'm not North Korean and I don't plan on being North Korean. However, if I had been any of those things, I would either believe it or believe it. He's not much on options, that IL fellow.

Just a couple other illustrations of how Kim Jong IL might not be living in the here and now all the time. (Then I'll get on to the part about how Kim Jong IL might not be living. Period.) The man has:
  • He has kidnapped ordinary Japanese people off the streets in order to train his spies. (They needed to practice!)

  • He has kidnapped South Korean movie stars in order to enhance his efforts at directing films. (Can you picture that in the US? George W. Bush sends a squad of goons out to bring him Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?)

  • He considers himself to be a huge film buff with a collection of at least 20,000 videotapes. (He apparently doesn't consider himself a high tech buff, as that would explain the continued usage of a VCR and not a DVD player.)

  • He once ordered the kidnapping of a South Korean actress and her director husband so that he could tell them how much he liked their work. (Has the man never heard of Hallmark? Must the kidnapping scheme be deployed just to tell someone 'Thanks!'?)

So as you can probably gather, the man is, well, less than well. Maybe FAR less than well. How much less? Take well. Subtract well. You're left with dead. Yes, that's right. I'm making the rare leap from the edge of my reality into the completely speculated and possibly fabricated realm of suspicion and conspiracy when I say that (and remember, you read it here first) I think that Kim Jong IL isn't ill. I think he's dead.

Somewhere around August, 2008, the fluffy haired dictator supposedly suffered a stroke that supposedly either killed him or left in completely incapacitated. The alleged stroke is also alleged to have required him to have alleged surgery on his alleged brain. So, since the time when all of these things may or may not have happened, he has supposedly made a remarkably speedy recovery (quicker than most folks who have had a stroke AND brain surgery within the past three months) and he is now supposedly fine and free to move about the country. And we're supposed to buy that story? That he's fine? I see. I wonder if they performed his brain surgery on the same golf course where he hit his eleven hole-in-ones? Or perhaps they cut his noggin right on open when he was watching a soccer game. You know, the one where the players that had long hair annoyed him, so he ordered all men in the country to have short hair. That's right. He enacted a long hair ban. Wait. What?

Correct. While the bouffanted one watched the match through his very feminine and sporty framed eye wear, he ordered that all men shall be clean-cut. That information was from the most readily available source of information out of North Korea, that of the "unnamed source close to the regime." That's another thing you'll notice about North Korea and all of their "I've Got A Secret" game playing. All of the "proof" that their "Dear Leader" (Yes, that's what he prefers to be called. Dear Leader. It's like he's the successor to Dear Abby or something. "Dear Leader, I live in a Communist regime under the iron fist of a man who has hair like Elvis and sunglasses like Elizabeth Taylor.") is not dead or incapacitated is in the form of still photos, never video. All of the reports of what "Dear Leader" has done have come from "unnamed sources close to the regime". Translation: They are the regime and he's dead as a doornail. (I don't really know what a doornail is, but it does sound dead. Or, at least, not alive.)

His unsubstantiated remark about the long haired heathens went something like, "I think it is untidy and not befitting for athletes to grow long hair." He is also alleged to have said, "What kind of haircuts are these? If things are like this, you cannot tell whether this is a men's football match or women's," said the Communist dictator from behind his tinted ladies sunglasses. The folks I've never heard of over at the AFP reported that Dear Leader became frustrated and "stopped watching the match after the first half." Of course, the unnamed ones in the regime couldn't bother to mention whether he was actually there at the game or whether he watched it somewhere else. (Now, you do see what we're dealing with here, right? Slightly crazy, possibly dead, definitely odd, Communist dictator. I just wanted that to be clear so the rest of this doesn't sound more nuts.) But then, lo and behold (brother and sister to flora and fauna), lo and behold, then came the pictures!

Look, I don't know one way or the other if the guy is alive or dead, incapacitated or capacitated. All I know is that these photos have been retouched and edited more than the models in a Victoria's Secret catalog. (Oh, right! Like people really look like those women! You know what else? When a group of women all get together for their 'Ladies Night' once a month, they don't strip down to their bras and panties and have pillow fights either! So there!) Seriously, look at these:

The photo above is supposed to be Kim Jong IL at the long haired soccer game.There's just something odd about it. But it's so subtle, I think it might be easy to miss. Like the proportional sizes of Kim Jong IL and the other folks. It's just not quite right. He's also very focused (you won't hear that about him any other time except when someone is referring to a photo, I'll tell you that much.) and the folks that aren't that far away from him are much more out of focus when compared with how focused he is (again, only in pictures).

He's supposed to be at a soccer match. And I realize that there are different ways of doing things in different countries, but where is the field supposed to be and why are there all of those trees outside? Is that a remote control on the shelf in front of him? What is he remoting? The players? It's not electronic foosball, Dear Leader! And why does he look like he's sitting in one of those overstuffed easy chairs made out of the back of a Cadillac?

Now, if you click on these pics, they're supposed to get bigger. And that's a good thing, because they're hard to see the way they are. In the one below where I have circled his fluffy hair, you can see where his hairline is just a little too straight and neat. Also, the discoloring on his face is just weird. Yeah, the guy is a fruitcake who kidnaps actresses to tell them "Nice job!" But it's just not normal, even for a fruit cake. But look at the other part I circled. It looks like it's supposed to be part of a chair or something, but where's the rest of it? Again, click it, make it bigger and then tell me what the heck that is.

And in this one, if you could identify the area circled in yellow, I'd appreciate it, because it's weird looking. It's supposed to be a bunch of trees, I guess. But when you look at it when it's larger, it's a weird reflection of something or something is covered up strangely, but it's not a tree. Or if it is a tree then I ask again, where are they playing soccer? I don't get it.

The one below seems to have more glaring problems than the one above. It would appear that he's giving directions, but I can't imagine where to. They're in North Korea. Where are they going to go? Like the one above, the proportions are wrong. The guys are lined up and they just look funny. I can't explain it better than that and that's unfortunate because it sounds lame. But look at them! They look like they were cut out of a magazine, all sharp edged and all.

But here's a more clear illustration of the proportions being off. In the section that I chopped out below, his finger appears to be right on top of his face. You can tell there isn't any depth in between the two. AND on top of that, the hand and finger look HUGE compared to the head.

Here is a little collage of all of the left hands in the picture. Where are all of their fingers? Why do they all have the same hand?

Then there are the heads. No, not like Mount Rushmore. The North Korean heads. The face below has obviously been edited onto that head. It looks like he's wearing a mask. That is not his face and it may or may not be his head. But that face definitely does not go with that head. Or anything else attached to it. Presumably.

And the same thing is true for the dude below. That face does not fit right on that head and/or neck. The hair looks like a helmet that was placed atop his Communist melon as to prevent future injury.

This guy could be the next North Korean Two-Face if Batman ever moved to Gotham City, Korea. Look at his eyes. It's half and half. Half one guy's face, half another guy's face, no clue as to whether or not either face goes on that neck or body, but that's two faces. And again, the face is colored differently than the neck, not to mention the big, round discoloration right above his cheek bone that seems to follow an odd pattern for a random skin blotch. Oh, but that's right. That's because it's not.

Again, I don't know if Kim Jong IL is actually ill or if he's actually dead. But I do know that everyone in a picture should not be missing all of their fingers (unless it's some sort of documentary which follows the fingerless), faces should not look like they're Halloween masks (I'm surprised they didn't have Nixon standing there as well!), and if you're watching a soccer match, you should see soccer players and not trees on the field! And if he has croaked, just remember, I was the first one to say "Liar, liar, pants on fire." Or something equally as poetic.

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