Sunday, November 23, 2008

Moob Over, Bro

Remember the Seinfeld episode where Kramer and George see George's Dad without his shirt and the man had breasts? (According to Kramer "These were real hooters.") Kramer concludes that "...Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around. He should wear something for support." Now, he might have been referring to a bra, but he called it "The Bro." (It was basically a sports bra. But the suspension of disbelief element of television is really what makes stuff like that work.)

Now, I am in no way claiming that I am an expert on men's breasts. (Women's breasts? I don't know if I'd go as far as to say "expert", but I know my way around.) But even with my lack of knowledge about the breasts of men (otherwise known, in some areas and by people whom I do not associate with, as 'moobs'), I really can't imagine that men would be interested in a bra. A lot of women aren't even all that keen on it (but you gotta keep the girls in place otherwise it's just downright painful) and it's commonplace for them! But men? A bra? A man bra? You see where this is going, right?

Where else but in freaky, anime-crazed Japan would the Man Bra be a hit? Nowhere else. Just there. In Japan (which is, thankfully, far, far away). According to a news report on this subject, "If you thought bra wearing was the preserve of men, get ready to think again because men all over Japan are hitching up their 'moobs', finding out their cup sizes and getting in touch with their feminine side." Feminine side? Or fetish side? I know not everything translates literally into English, but I see this as being a little bit more of a 'fetish' thing and a little bit less of a man's 'feminine side' thing. One of the customers in the news report states, "I like this tight feeling. It feels good." See? What did I tell you? Fetish.

I don't know about you, but that ad above gives the whole thing sort of a drag-queen-y air about it, you know what I mean? That guy is either a) looking for a man bra as an accessory to one of his costumes for his nightly gay burlesque show he puts on in Vegas, or b) he's incredibly turned on by the thought of another man wearing the man bra (which is why he's taken off his shirt (and probably his pants) while in the store with the mannequins perusing the selection). He also does not strike me as the type of guy that would have 'moobs'. He seems like his pectoral areas would be rather taut and firm, but it's hard to tell because he's hugging himself in order to keep him from fornicating with one of the displays.

A woman named Akiko is the individual responsible for this atrocity. She's been selling the man bras (or Men's Premium Brassiere) from her online store The Wish Room. Her motivation and reasoning for designing and trying to sell such a product? "I think more and more men are becoming interested in bras. We've been getting feedback such as "Wow, we've been waiting for this for such a long time. So I think there was a substantial customer base that was waiting to see this kind of product."

OK, look, men have always been interested in bras. They just haven't been interested in wearing them! They've been interested in how to get them off of women, but that seems to be where the interest stops. (The interest in the bra, that is. Once they get the bra off, there's still plenty of interest, it's just not in the bra anymore. No, no, at that point, there are far more interesting things of which to pay attention to. Far more interesting. Spec-tacular even. :::sigh::: Oh, whoops. Sorry. I digress. Or happily remember. Your choice.) I don't think that their interest in the female undergarments is because they want one for themselves. Unless, of course, they're in Japan.

Akiko has high hopes for her man bra. She seems to think that "As well as smoothing the male silhouette and starting a new trend, Akiko is hoping that her man bra will achieve what so many women's magazines have been trying for so long: By giving men a better understanding of how it feels to be female so that they end up becoming gentler and more caring ." Yeah, that seems smart to set your hopes and expectations pretty low like that so that you're not disappointed when it doesn't happen, because it never will. You think you're going to get men to become "gentler and more caring" because they're wearing a little silk? I'm thinking that if it does cause the men to become "gentler and more caring" they're going to be doing so with other men if the man bra has anything to do with it!

Akiko's man bras cost about 30 USD and they come in black, white or pink (for those men out there looking to tap into their ultra-feminine side). The news report says that "they'll keep your 'moobs' under wraps even in the most unforgiving of outfits." What kind of a man's outfit would be unforgiving? Are they also learning how to do the Hustle in German discotheques and they need to wear those super tight, shiny shirts? (You know, like how Tiger Woods makes his shirts look now that he's all buff.) If so, 'moobs' are the least of their problems.

Look, I'm all for a man who can be caring and gentle. Sure, that sounds grand. But I'm here to tell you, I like my men to be men. I like men in general to be men. I don't want a bunch of overly sensitive, excruciatingly caring men running (or skipping) around. They're men! They're supposed to do man things! Like move heavy objects when we need them moved! Like fix things and get all dirty and then do commercials for Irish Spring soap! Men! You know what men become when they stop acting like men? That's right. They become women! And the last thing that a bunch of women need is more women, let alone men who act like women. We want manly men who are nice and protective and don't wear our lingerie or anything that resembles our lingerie. (Another one of the last things that a bunch of women want to do is to have to share the sink and the Woolite with a guy while he rinses out his 'delicates'. Ugh! I can't even think about it without feeling slightly nauseous.)

Below is the video of the news story so you can see this nuttiness for yourself. I'm sure that the man bra is very supportive, but I just don't think that I can support the man bra. I think I'd prefer it if men were braless and just stopped eating pork rinds and drinking beer to get rid of their 'moobs', rather than embracing them with pink lingerie.

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Anonymous said...

OMG, that was one of your best posts in a long time. Tears are streaming down my face I laughed so hard.


Mare said...

Finally! Bringing someone to tears in a good way! I knew if I kept at it long enough, it would happen eventually!

Excellent. Thanks!